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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this just another form of control?

46 replies

catkin14 · 17/05/2015 23:50

6 months ago a man walked into my life that i had history with but had not seen in a long while.
Gradually over this time he has become part of my life but lately it feels too much so, and too soon. He is very kind and has done a lot to help me but just tries to take over everything.
If i do not see him for a day he tells me how much he misses me, constantly tells me how he loves me and that he doesnt know what he would do without me.
I work very long hours and very hard work so when i get in from work i just like to chill for half and hour or so, but he is used to having his tea on the table by 6 type of chap. When I said food is ready when i get it ready he replied he would just have to help me get it ready so he had it on time..

I feel this is my home he is in and that after 10 hours on my feet i should do as i wish!
I am 2 years out of a EA marriage that lasted too long, but somehow my barriers have not been up sufficiently and he has got too comfortable too quickly.
How do i tell him, without being cruel, that I need to step back?
He wants every moment of my time and I cannot cope with this. Its like being married again..
And i feel controlled. So maybe the problem is mine.
Help anyone? or a slap?

OP posts:
britishbakeoffblues · 17/05/2015 23:56

If he wants his dinner at a certain time he can go and make his dinner and eat it at his own house!!
If he wants to eat with you, AT YOUR REQUEST, then he can eat when you want to serve dinner,
Red flag waving I thinkS

goddessofsmallthings · 18/05/2015 00:13

It's not you who needs to 'step back' - it's him and, as he sounds particularly thick skinned type of loser, I wouldn't worry unduly about 'being cruel' to be kind to yourself.

Simply tell him that he's come on so strong, it's turned you off. Wish him well for his future and make it crystal clear that you won't be in it.

I need a lot of time to unwind after work and anyone mithering me to have their, or my, dinner tea on the table by a particular time would be given a loaf of bread, a couple of slices of ham, and a tea bag and told to fuck off to the far side etc short shrift.

Jeez, who makes these self-entitled men? Is there a factory somewhere in Taiwan churning them out?

CarbeDiem · 18/05/2015 00:14

I'd see red flags too.
Don't doubt yourself, your radar seems to be working well.
6 months is quite a short time to be complaining about tea not being ready (I wouldn't accept it all tbh) and for him to be demanding all of your free time.
I think words need to be had.

BertieBotts · 18/05/2015 00:15

Accounting for every second of your time? Yes of course that is controlling. It sounds like he's really unlikely to back off, too.

Run!!

Lweji · 18/05/2015 00:20

It sounds like he made himself a part of your life, even though not necessarily asked to, and is now moving to the control and demanding second part.

He is not that kind if he doesn't realise that you have been working hard and need to rest, and further demands things from you, without a real offer to do it himself.

You are already worrying that you will hurt him and you may end up in a more serious situation through that worry. In fact, if you are not careful I think you are on course for it.

So, considering everything, I do think it's best if you get rid of him asap.

Coyoacan · 18/05/2015 00:30

He sounds horrible, but actually even if he was wonderful and you wanted rid because of the way he cuts his toe-nails, no problem.

trackrBird · 18/05/2015 00:31

That's plain old control, and quite obsessive at that.
I would gently show him the door (gently, for your sake, not his)

differentnameforthis · 18/05/2015 03:38

If i do not see him for a day he tells me how much he misses me, constantly tells me how he loves me and that he doesnt know what he would do without me.

MASSIVE red flag. Many abusive men appear to & want to commit quickly. 6mth & he doesn't know how to live without you...

Urgh...are you supposed to be flattered!?

Romeyroo · 18/05/2015 06:12

Hiya catkin, I remember your name from when you left XH as it was just after I had left my own abusive marriage

This is really controlling behaviour and it makes me feel panicky just reading it! I honestly would not stay in this relationship.

Original poster
catkin14 · 18/05/2015 06:42

wow thanks for all that! I thought it was me being unkind.
tbh since he suddenly appeared in my life again I have questioned myself, am I doing right thing etc but because of the shock at seeing him (when he had made it plain that I wouldnt) and my long work hours/being tired so much, my self defences were down.
He has been doing lots of jobs at my house for me, and I felt a need to repay him as such.

So now question is, how do I remove him without too much panic?
I feel so angry with myself for allowing this after doing so well to finally leave EA exh, get through that and finally get my own life and be happy just being me alone with my DS, and now I have to go through it all again! arrgghh!!

OP posts:
Romeyroo · 18/05/2015 07:01

Ugh, I had a 'friend' like this who made herself invaluable when I split up, I was really uncomfortable as it was unsolicited and slightly intrusive help.

He has jumped in when you were vulnerable. You don't have a long marital history and I presume he has his own house etc; so I would start with a simple 'I am sorry this relationship is not working for me, please do not come round any more', explained in a neutral location or over the phone and NOT in your house.

Whatamayday · 18/05/2015 07:15

Oh I had one like this. He used to drive around waiting for me to come home and call in pretending he was in the area. I hated it.

And when you said about the jobs. This guy did exactly the same. He would go out of his way to fix things or get me something I mentioned in passing so I would be indebted to him. When I dumped him he accused me of using him!

It is smothering. You are normal to feel like this. Your heart is not In it and it will get more difficult to end it the longer you go on.

clam · 18/05/2015 07:27

I feel smothered just reading your post, to be honest.
Why are you doing all the cooking anyway?

AlternativeTentacles · 18/05/2015 07:31

What is the situation at home? Is he actually living there?

You can tell him 'actually, this is not working for me so i am ending it here and now' - do this preferably outside of the house after the locks have been changed. You do not have to give a reason, but you can say 'i do not like being told what to do, when to do it and not to have a minute to myself in my own house and i want my house and life back again'.

Is there any reason to think he might get physically abusive if you kicked him out or asked him to leave?

Romeyroo · 18/05/2015 07:46

Oh yes, definitely change the locks!

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 18/05/2015 07:48

Is he living with you? Ugh, he sounds awful. I couldn't cope with this at all.

Pispcina · 18/05/2015 08:01

Yes he sounds like an angry man who has some sort of chip on his shoulder about women...probably his mum...he tells you you wouldn't be seeing him again? (sounds like a proper flounce!) and then rocks up again deciding he will take control of your life.

NO thank you

Be clear with him, you just aren't up for this, get out of it in any way you can.

BTW I had all that texting when you're on a day out with friends, or the children, all miserable - 'hope you are having a nice time' Sad - 'I miss you' - Oh FUCK OFF Smile

It isn't nice, it's jealousy and 'you belong to me, don't you DARE have a good time without including me'.

Honestly get shot of this wanker asap

popalot · 18/05/2015 08:12

Don't be angry with yourself - it's not your fault. You were tired and like you said, your defences were down. But it's his fault he's like this, and never forget that.

Ditto change the locks without him knowing and then tell him in a neutral place with a friend on standby. He will complain, but you must ignore. It's not your fault it isn't working out.

Lweji · 18/05/2015 09:34

What everyone else has said.
Locks changed, tell him away from your home, just end it. If you start giving reasons, he has a way back in with explanations and complaints. It's just not working out, end of.

TurnipCake · 18/05/2015 09:43

Echoing everyone else, well done, your radar is doing its job.

Change locks, and if you don't feel safe to meet him then I wouldn't. A simple text of, "This is no longer working out for me, please do not come round anymore"

Block his number and any hint of him harassing you, then consider 111

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/05/2015 09:46

catkin

This person needs to be gone from your day to day life as of now.

I would also suggest that for your own self you now enrol on Womens Aid Freedom Programme if you have not already done this previously. That will also help you going forward.

Stormtreader · 18/05/2015 15:15

If he wants dinner on the table by x time on the dot then HE can make his and your dinner himself so its waiting for you when you get in then.

This reminds me of an abusive ex giving me grief as soon as I walked in the door after a 12 hour day because I hadnt done the washing up so he'd had no clean dishes to eat with. I asked him if his hands were soluble because if not he could have done it himself since he was in all day playing games on the computer!

Daimgirl · 18/05/2015 16:00

Honestly even if he was a nice man (which he clearly isn't), any man expecting me to run around after him would be sent off with a flea in his ear, especially after only 6 months.

Original poster
catkin14 · 18/05/2015 22:21

Thanks all, really appreciate the advice and help you have given.
I had also thought I would change the locks, he doesnt live with me but does have a door key.
We saw each other many years ago and when I ended it then he threatened to shoot himself so I do feel a bit uneasy.
His current relationship has also only just come to an end and I think I am just handily available which doesnt make me feel any better, especially when I asked him if his relationship hadnt ended would I have seen him again, and he said no.
What was I thinking??!!
I just dont think I am ready for a full on relationship, I was too long married to the wrong man. Not going to do that again.

OP posts:
trackrBird · 18/05/2015 23:17

Oh yes, do change the locks. Someone who has previously made a suicide threat, is swamping you, and is now manipulating you with too many favours ('loan-sharking' as Gavin de Becker calls it) - that's someone you need out of your life. And he needs physically keeping out..

Take care, and don't be so hard on yourself. Brew

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