Is this just another form of control?

[catkin14]

6 months ago a man walked into my life that i had history with but had not seen in a long while.
Gradually over this time he has become part of my life but lately it feels too much so, and too soon. He is very kind and has done a lot to help me but just tries to take over everything.
If i do not see him for a day he tells me how much he misses me, constantly tells me how he loves me and that he doesnt know what he would do without me.
I work very long hours and very hard work so when i get in from work i just like to chill for half and hour or so, but he is used to having his tea on the table by 6 type of chap. When I said food is ready when i get it ready he replied he would just have to help me get it ready so he had it on time..

I feel this is my home he is in and that after 10 hours on my feet i should do as i wish!
I am 2 years out of a EA marriage that lasted too long, but somehow my barriers have not been up sufficiently and he has got too comfortable too quickly.
How do i tell him, without being cruel, that I need to step back?
He wants every moment of my time and I cannot cope with this. Its like being married again..
And i feel controlled. So maybe the problem is mine.
Help anyone? or a slap?

[NameChange30]

Hi OP. You've definitely made the right decision to end things with this man. Please don't hesitate to call the police if he is aggressive or threatens you.

I agree with the PP who suggested the Freedom Programme, you might find it very helpful?

[springydaffs]

Hope it went well, op. You've absolutely done the right thing! Look at the progress - last time it took years, this time you've done it in days. Well done girl

Apple, your post sent shivvers through me! Report the break-in, even though it's months down the line. It needs to be on record even if you don't wish to proceed.

[Lweji]

Good luck. :)

[Lweji]

Sounds fine, but make sure there are lots of other people around, just in case.

[catkin14]

ok so I have sorted out what I am doing.
I have packed all his bits n pieces that are at my house into a box.
I am going to meet him in a large supermarket carpark and tell him my news.
I am then meeting my brother and RL friends know timings etc.
Looking forward to getting my life back!

[Whatamayday]

God I don't like the idea of him being jealous and possessive and owning three guns.

[Romeyroo]

Yes, cancel weekend plans with him, there must be some relative who has suddenly developed an illness and needs your care - there is NO point having locks changed tomorrow and then him coming round. Or do you mean locks changed next week? I hope not.

Come on, if he stays over, he will expect sex and you know the guy is abusive so why do that to yourself?

[Stormtreader]

Why on earth is he staying with you at all?

[Lweji]

How are you going to manage changing locks on Friday and having him around this weekend?

Why not just cancel the whole thing Friday night?

[catkin14]

Yes all my RL friends are on red alert! They are all behind me.
Locks should be changed friday.
He is expecting to stay here saturday night, and spend time with me over sunday and monday as bank hol, Im going to wriggle out of a lot of it I hope and aim for tuesday as D Day.
No Im in UK, not US..

[boxcutter]

Yes to quietly putting your own safety first.

He won't kill himself, don't worry about that.

Don't beat yourself up for getting involved with him. It's easy to get sucked in. You are very strong to have gotten out of one abusive relationship and recognized the danger in this new one.

It might be worth just paying a locksmith to do the locks right away perhaps?

Do you have some real-life friends or family nearby you can open up to? Just in case he gets nasty (especially as he owns guns) it might be helpful to have some friends in the know when you implement the break-up plan.

[trackrBird]

Perhaps try to be unavailable/too tired/non committal until the locks are changed. Firearms and controlling people are a bad combination in general, so quietly put your own safety first

[Fugghetaboutit]

Are you in the US?

[AnyFucker]

If he has guns, the police will take a dim view of his threats to use them even if the threats ate against himself

report him

[Walkacrossthesand]

Who on earth counter signs his gun licence applications? He doesn't sound like a man who should be allowed a gun... Ironically, the need not to have a police record if you want to have a gun, should make the threat of police involvement a very powerful one for him if he harasses you.

[Pispcina]

Well done for getting organised.

If my experience is anything to go by, be prepared for the angry text messages and insults (again).

It would be easier if he had someone else he was interested in so all the break up angst wasn't directed squarely at you, which is probably what will happen.

Sounds like more mouth than trousers type though. I hope so anyway.

[Lweji]

Hoping it will all go well.

Just in case, keep your phone charged with you at all times.

[catkin14]

I have a friend coming over next week to change locks...
And yes he has 3 guns.
I think once I have told him i will not hear from him again. I hope.
I can taste the freedom, but am not looking forward to next few days..
Thanks all again

[Romeyroo]

I had an ex who threatened to kill himself if I ended it; last I heard through the grapevine he was getting married and earning a nice, professional salary...

That said, I made the mistake, being young and naive at the time, of going to his flat to return some stuff; whereupon he locked me in and beat me up, so he could hurt me as I had hurt him.

Not to frighten you, but change the locks and do not meet with him, especially not in a private space. If he does anything which is not just leaving you alone, get the police involved. Make sure your DS knows he is not to come to the house or have any contact with him; and make sure someone in RL knows these are the boundaries you have set and why.

[AnyFucker]

Does he actually have a gun ?

[Applecrumbling]

I really relate to your post. My marriage broke down after 13 years together, 2 years after splitting I entered a new relationship, missing out on the learning of relationships in my 20s as was with Exh. I walked straight into what became an abusive relationship. He smothered me, I felt suffocated and anxious but thought this must be how it is now?! He would wait outside my house, even appear from nowhere like in a horror movie. Once I was getting dressed upstairs and he appeared at my bedroom door without warning (I left the front door open).. He'd turn up at my gym, he read my emails and texts and became v controlling. I tried to end it but he wouldn't leave me alone, I got dragged back in ??.. Eventually the suicide threats came, he started drinking. I was called a slag, he criticised my body. His ex wife divorced him and got hi arrested for harassment. How stupid was I? Sorry forgoing on.. Eventually he broke into my house, I didn't report it either. I'm still anxious 5 months on but haven't seen him. Don't let it escalate op, not saying it will however I get chills reading your post... Trust your instincts, if it feels controlling it probably is.

[trackrBird]

Oh yes, do change the locks. Someone who has previously made a suicide threat, is swamping you, and is now manipulating you with too many favours ('loan-sharking' as Gavin de Becker calls it) - that's someone you need out of your life. And he needs physically keeping out..

Take care, and don't be so hard on yourself.

[catkin14]

Thanks all, really appreciate the advice and help you have given.
I had also thought I would change the locks, he doesnt live with me but does have a door key.
We saw each other many years ago and when I ended it then he threatened to shoot himself so I do feel a bit uneasy.
His current relationship has also only just come to an end and I think I am just handily available which doesnt make me feel any better, especially when I asked him if his relationship hadnt ended would I have seen him again, and he said no.
What was I thinking??!!
I just dont think I am ready for a full on relationship, I was too long married to the wrong man. Not going to do that again.

[Daimgirl]

Honestly even if he was a nice man (which he clearly isn't), any man expecting me to run around after him would be sent off with a flea in his ear, especially after only 6 months.

[Stormtreader]

If he wants dinner on the table by x time on the dot then HE can make his and your dinner himself so its waiting for you when you get in then.

This reminds me of an abusive ex giving me grief as soon as I walked in the door after a 12 hour day because I hadnt done the washing up so he'd had no clean dishes to eat with. I asked him if his hands were soluble because if not he could have done it himself since he was in all day playing games on the computer!