I had an awkward conversation and now I am overthinking

[Diggingdolores]

Hi, I posted a thread a few days ago and got some really useful advice and was really grateful. The link is here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2378352-Help-me-start-this-potentially-awkward-conversation

But now a switch is gone in my head and I am not sure if I am being incredibly insecure, reading things out of nothing and just generally making 2+2=222 or whether I've hit the jackpot. I thought I would see what other people think. There's a high chance i will sound really pathetic. I'm sorry this is long.

So apart from the issue with sex as discussed above, my relationship has been generally lovely. BF has always treated me really well. He surprises me and is kind. Even though the sex has been problematic we kiss a lot, hug a lot, always hold hands and touch each other. It's the most affectionate relationship I've ever been in. I have really fallen for this man and I can really see a future with him, we talk about one a lot, which is why I want to support him through the things I wrote about the other day.

After the awkward conversation, we've seen each other a couple of times and it has been lovely. Last night we went out for a nice meal and then went to stay at his. I have told him that sex is off the table for a few weeks as I wanted to take the pressure off. So instead we just lay in bed naked, stroking each other, kissing a lot, talking and laughing until well into the early hours. We woke up this morning and did the same for another hour before I had to go.

I just felt generally in love and also very loved. And really happy and sure it would all work out.

But then a couple of little things happened and suddenly I can't help but think something is very wrong.

This afternoon I text him an "in" joke and he replied telling me I am daft but that's half the reason he likes me. It jarred with me a little bit, because I more than like him. I told him I loved him after six months and he said "Love" means big things to him, he can't say it easily unless he is 100%, but he said he felt like he was getting there and thought the world of me. I appreciated his honesty and didn't really mind as I think people have different definitions of love and his sounded a lot heavier then mine. And I understood his caution as he had a rough time in his previous relationship. I haven't mentioned it since, but I honestly have felt LOVED. But then in his text, he just put "like" and my heart sank a little after what has been going on the last few days.

A bit later I went on Facebook and he had shared a link. I may get flamed for this for being ignorant, but I realised that pretty much every thing he does on Facebook is share articles in support of gay rights and same sex marriages. I totally agree with this BTW. When we have talked about it he has said he feels so strongly about it because he hates inequality and bullying, which is very admirable. But today I wondered "why is he so interested in this issue?"

I'm not sure if I am just more upset about the sex thing then I thought or if my instinct is telling me, this man doesn't love me, he is confused about his orientation and that is the real reason why he can't have sex with me.

Am I being ridiculous? If anybody has got this far, please tell me what you think

Because we sleep with no clothes on sometimes? I'm not sure that's so unusual.

And I'm not a bunny boiler. But thanks for your input

I had a quick look at the thread link, your concern is lack of sex 9 months in, and from this post, perhaps he might be gay? The first text is neither here nor there, people come to the L word in their own time. However, I do agree with you that I don't know many hetero men who spend an inordinate amount of time posting about gay rights. Now he might be the exception, or have lots of gay friends, or perhaps you have seen two posts and are slightly exaggerating, but if he is posting a lot on this issue, I do think that's significant, although to what (bi?) I'm not sure.

I think the time for a frank chat is approaching...

I disagree completely with closer.

I wouldn't worry about the use of 'like'. Combined with the shared joke and calling you 'daft', I'd see it as a light-hearted comment. I think alluding to the other half of the reasons is a bit flirty too.

I too went to read the other thread before commenting.

I think you need to accept him on his terms, including his sexuality how ever he wants to identify it, or not at all. And 9 months with no sex meaning you choose to leave it would be perfectly understandable.

If I was in your situation I'd be thinking the same thing. The only way to find out is to talk to him. Approach the subject very gently and see how he reacts.

You definitely need to talk to him. There could be many reasons why he doesn't initiate sex, low sex drive, anxiety, depression. The fact he seems to post a lot about gay rights could be something or it could be nothing. He could be bisexual perhaps, which made but explain why he feels so passionately about LGBT issues?....however he might not be- only you can know, and if its not clear, I really think you need to broach the subject, however difficult this may be. Best of luck ?

A bit of current affairs awareness may be needed... Ireland is having a referendum this week on Marriage Equality, it's happening on Thursday. There is a lot of Facebook activity going around in relation to this at the moment, particularly if you know anybody Irish (or he does!) I have never seen as many pro-gay marriage images, articles, graphs, encouragement on Facebook as I have in the last month or so. Coupled with the Luxembourg PM getting married this last week, it's very topical right now. That probably explains why you are seeing so much of it.

FWIW I am a married straight woman, and I'm sharing all the same stuff. Don't read too much into it.

Lying in bed naked with a member of the opposite sex equates to 'bunny boiling', closer?

If you're hoping for moments of unbridled lust and red hot passion it's not going to happen with this guy, dolores. Can you live with that? I know I couldn't.

If he was a closet gay, using you as a disguise, he'd be the last person to post pro-gay marriage things on facebook and if he a gay who hasn't discovered himself yet, in my humble experience all but one of my friends who have come out as gay were previously extremely anti-gay.

So no, I don't think he is gay

I post a lot of pro-LGBTQ stuff on Facebook. An ex actually messaged me asking if I turned gay.

But yeah, don't read too much into it. If he's closet gay, that's the last thing he's gonna do.

closer is being a tit on every thread they're posting on. Attention seeking and best ignored.

Well said Nicki.

I too have just read your previous thread and now this one.

Tbh, I don't think that posting pro gay rights posts necessarily means anything, but I do think that this relationship is going nowhere, sorry.

Firstly he makes excuses for not having sex, is tired/full etc anything to avoid having sex. then he says that actually it's difficult having sex with others in the house but he still fancies you, yet he can spend a night naked with you and nothing happened? Coupled with the fact he is unable to tell you he loves you - even after nine months? Sorry but going from having an active sex life early in a relationship to nothing with no declarations of feelings is IMO more indicative of the fact that you are just not in the same place relationship wise.

He sounds like a bit of a game player to me. And he'll do just enough to keep you there, e.g. spending the night naked with you stroking and kissing etc while knowing you want him but that now you've taken sex off the cards he no longer has to make excuses not to have sex with you.

If you stay in this relationship you will be posting a couple of years down the line saying that you've been in a sexless relationship for x years and can no longer stand the rejection. Get out now while it's still early days and you've not yet made commitment to each other and most importantly, while he's not yet met your dd.

I would have immense sympathy with anyone who had a genuine issue and was able to talk about it and work through it, but someone who makes wishy washy excuses and can't be truthful? nope.