Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Help me start this potentially awkward conversation

(45 Posts)
Diggingdolores Wed 13-May-15 21:31:50

In a couple of hours my BF is coming round after work and I want to ask him about our sexlife....

We've been together about 9 months. As usual, for the first several months, sex was great.

The relationship on the whole is fab, he's lovely and very kind and attentive. Just a really nice person and we have a lot of fun. I fancy him like mad! And when we're out and about and cuddling up and by the way he compliments me, I know he is very attracted to me.

He does have a few body issues and inhibitions and He has lost his erection a couple of times, which could cause some worries for him I know.

The thing with him is he has had a lot of work stress and a resulting period of insomnia so I don't want to pressure him for sex.

But the last few months it has been few and far between. He is in a better place now but sexy times show no sign of making a big comeback! I've been patient and tried to see if it would pick up again naturally.

I don't want to make a song and dance about it or make him feel defensive or emasculated but I want to let him know that for me this is an issue and I want to be able to talk about it.

IMO this is way too early to have a sparse sex life and the last few weeks I have been feeling like I am practically throwing myself at him only to get rejected. I've been in a long relationship with mismatched libidos before and I know it isn't for me.

I do want to see if there is something we can do about it though.

How do I start this as though I am not confronting him with a "problem" or blaming him?

I'd like it to be more of a conversation, but I can't think of anyway to say it other than..."can I ask you about something...why don't we have sexy very often?" Which just seems a bit rubbish.

Diggingdolores Wed 13-May-15 21:36:52

That was a typo by the way, I wouldn't call it "sexy" during the talk obviously. That would just be lame

ALaughAMinute Wed 13-May-15 21:39:06

Hmm, I think you need to tread very carefully here or it could all go horribly wrong.

Perhaps you get him to talk about his sexual fantasies or watch a sexy video together? If nothing else it would get him talking.

ALaughAMinute Wed 13-May-15 21:41:06

And I meant to say... Perhaps you should get him.

Two small glasses of wine and I can't type!

lavenderhoney Wed 13-May-15 21:41:56

Why is he coming over and spending time with you if there is no sex, this far into the relationship and you have already dtd?

Are you providing dinner etc? Convinient for his work? Does he stay over and cuddle you, kiss you, do other stuff. or are you buddies really?

I wonder if you still date ie cinema, dinner out, do nice things with each other that are all about building a relationship and have instead taken to staying over and not actually dating.

You don't have sex because he doesn't want to. Why, only he knows. You could say " you know, you stay over loads but we don't have sex anymore- I don't like being rejected and dreading you coming over to reject me. Do you want to do anything about it or shall we call it a day?" So he either gets on with it or goes home.

Diggingdolores Wed 13-May-15 21:44:59

See, I have thought about trying to seduce him more etc but I'm not sure if that would get to the root of the problem?

Asking something like that would be a bit odd given the current drought I think. It would be a bit out of nowhere! He seems to avoid opportunities. As soon as we go to the bedroom, he makes a
Point of telling me he is tired or feeling "full", so it's like it's out of the question

ALaughAMinute Wed 13-May-15 21:45:29

"You could say " you know, you stay over loads but we don't have sex anymore- I don't like being rejected and dreading you coming over to reject me. Do you want to do anything about it or shall we call it a day?" So he either gets on with it or goes home."

Lavender, I think if she said that, the poor guy would probably never have sex again! grin

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Diggingdolores Wed 13-May-15 21:49:37

lavendar I totally get your point and they are things I would ask and the answers are quite confusing!

We still do lots of fun things together, we go out all the time. We are only able to stay over once or twice a week though as I have a DD and he doesn't stay when she is here. He has met my family. We've met each other's friends.

We kiss and cuddle all the time. More than in any other relationship. We are generally pretty soppy with each other.

And he is more likely to cook for me. Our work actually makes it difficult to spend lots of time together but we both make a big effort to.

In every other respect the relationship is moving forward.

But yes, I know we don't have sex because he does to want to. I want to know why

Diggingdolores Wed 13-May-15 21:50:28

That's what I want to do need but I don't know how to start it off without scaring him

Diggingdolores Wed 13-May-15 21:52:53

He hasn't been to the doctors. I think he's be horrified, I couldn't persuade him to go for his insomnia. I wonder if it has got to the point where he needs to go? I'm pretty sure it's something in his head

letscookbreakfast Wed 13-May-15 21:53:38

If I was not having sex for whatever reason my partner followed lavender's suggestion I'd walk.

You need to talk to him OP, don't pressure him.

Diggingdolores Wed 13-May-15 21:55:00

I know, but how do you say that without applying any pressure?

Fugghetaboutit Wed 13-May-15 21:59:41

You could say 'I've noticed you started making excuses and don't seem interested in sex, is everything ok with you?'

letscookbreakfast Wed 13-May-15 22:01:38

Just say that you're not bringing this up to pressurise him but that you have noticed that the sex has been dwindling and you're wondering if there's anything stressing him out again, you could ask him if he's happy with your sex life as it is etc. Don't beat around the bush but also be tactful.

ALaughAMinute Wed 13-May-15 22:03:23

You say he is suffering from work stress and insomnia, both these things do terrible things to a man's penis. Don't whatever you do pressurise him or take it personally. It's his problem not yours!

If you are serious about this man then you need to support him in whatever problems he may be having. If you're not careful it could lead to ED, and once that has set in it can be difficult to get rid of.

Does he have any medical problems? Is he taking any medication?

Diggingdolores Wed 13-May-15 22:08:54

Thanks, this is all good stuff. I am terrible at planned conversations and am very aware that it shouldn't seem like a moan or an attack.

I just want to open a conversation so it doesn't become the elephant in the room.

No he's not on medication. He is always tired though. He isn't depressed, but his job is a nightmare and he has gained weight in the last few months. Nothing terrible, just from us going out to eat all the time, I run it off but he doesn't exercise.

Diggingdolores Wed 13-May-15 22:10:09

I worry it might be ED in a psychological way. It happened the last time we had sex

Diggingdolores Wed 13-May-15 22:11:10

Do you think maybe I should lay off and not make him talk about it for now?

Lauren83 Wed 13-May-15 22:18:48

Hello, I had this with mine, to the point he would pretend to be asleep or feign illness just before bed. It nearly destroyed me, I went through thinking I was ugly, he was gay, he was having an affair, he would clam up if I asked him about it. I did eventually get bits of info out of him like he had a low sexdrive and found sex really embarrassing and pressured, he tried blaming an ex who criticised him in bed but I don't believe that was true as I spent years building his confidence I don't believe that would still affect him. I believe he always had issues he just hid it well at the very start, if he lost his erection or didn't come it would be months before he would try again. Looking back it's only when I stopped talking about it did things slowly get better, almost when I gave up he would reluctantly make a move. It was made worse by ivf cycles and the whole stress of infertility (we werent ttc naturally so it wasn't like that added stress) I still feel now he has never been 100% honest with me about it. I have just come to accept it

BifsWif Wed 13-May-15 22:19:21

I think you need to talk about it. He knows there's a problem, you know there's a problem and avoiding it isn't the answer.

I'd do as a previous poster suggests and mention the lack of sex, you know he's been under a lot of pressure and want to make sure he's ok. Be reassuring, don't push it too hard and hopefully he'll open up to you.

ALaughAMinute Wed 13-May-15 22:27:18

I think if you're serious about this man you need to get him to see his GP.

Does he have high blood pressure because that can also be a cause?

You may not want to talk about it but you've got to if you want a future with him.

Just keep it positive and be kind to him.

JohnFarleysRuskin Wed 13-May-15 22:31:25

Don't try to seduce him, blimey.

Just say, hey, we used to have lots of sex, I liked that...what's going on now... ?

JohnFarleysRuskin Wed 13-May-15 22:32:54

Why wouldn't you talk about it? Seriously? Why wouldn't people talk to their partners about their sex lives?

deepdarkwood Wed 13-May-15 22:33:29

Could you have more of a general conversation to get things started - how does he feel the relationships going? Whats working well for him (& you); is there anything that isn't/that you both feel needs more work/attention at the mo? And then (having given him LOADS of positive strokes - 'cuse pun) you just say you'd love to have more sex - that you really fancy him, and he's great in the sack - but it feels like it's slipped down the agenda lately 'one way or another' - what does he feel?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now