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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How to reassure my DD

29 replies

Untouchable · 17/05/2015 21:11

So my poor DD (8) has just told me that my husband told her he hates me and wishes he hadn't married me and one night he is going to leave. She is so upset and I have said not to take any notice as he always comes home from his golfing days in a foul mood (beer) and he doesn't mean it.
Pointless talking to him (did try) as it's all about him.
I don't want her feeling insecure. I don't know what to say.

He has no reason to say these things btw, I am a friggin saint. I put up with so much and receive nothing back in return.

Can't leave though.

OP posts:

honeyroar · 17/05/2015 21:15

Why can't you leave? This man has said awful things to your child and really upset her. Isn't that important? What are you teaching her, telling her to ignore him and he's just in a bad mood etc!

AgentProvocateur · 17/05/2015 21:16

Why can't you leave? You need to put your DD first. He is a vile piece of shit, saying that to her. If you stay, she'll be permanently damaged by living with someone who tells her he hates her.

MerryMarigold · 17/05/2015 21:19

He sounds awful. It needs to stop or you go. End of.

caravanista13 · 17/05/2015 21:24

You have to leave. You need to protect your daughter from this poisonous relationship as much as you need to protect yourself.

pocketsaviour · 17/05/2015 21:28

Is he her dad?

Why can't you leave? No child should be having to make allowances for a drunken bully :(

Original poster

Untouchable · 17/05/2015 21:28

You are all right, I know. I am in a position of no financial income due to illness. He has made it clear that I will get next to nothing from him if I go.
Schooling is dependant on my address. Self esteem is very low I know due to other factors.

I will tell him that if he continues to say poisonous things to DD that I will go. Where I don't know.

OP posts:

Joysmum · 17/05/2015 21:33

If you reassure your DD that all's well when it isn't, she won't be able to trust or rely on you.

Is it worth doing that to her?

Thenapoleonofcrime · 17/05/2015 21:39

Surely it is better for your dd to go to another school rather than live with a man who hates her mum:(

If you are financially dependent, then get onto the CAB and see what benefits you would get.

Please don't feel you need to accept this, he sounds horrendous and is now spreading that to your dd, I honestly think however poor you end up, and wherever she goes to school, it will be better than this instability and awfulness on her own doorstep.

Thenapoleonofcrime · 17/05/2015 21:40

By the way, people have a lot to say about benefits etc- in my opinion this is EXACTLY what benefits are for- to provide food and housing for people who need a helping hand, through illness or to get away from a bad domestic situation. Don't be afraid to ask for help, you really deserve it even if you don't believe you do because of the past.

Is there anyone else in rl you could talk with, just to sound ideas out?

AnyFucker · 17/05/2015 21:41

Your husband is abusing your daughter

That poor girl . Can't you find some way to get her out of this toxic situation ?. Reassuring her that everything is ok is the wrong thing to do unless you are ok with her tolerating abusive relationships just like mummy does in the future.

honeyroar · 17/05/2015 21:44

It's not up to him how much you will get from him. He has a daughter to provide for. You would get through it and come out the other side. And be in a much better place.

SmirnoffVice · 17/05/2015 21:48

I would tell HIM to go, to be fair. He sounds awful.

closer · 17/05/2015 21:51

He doesn't have to provide for a child that is not his (he is mug for doing that now but sure if the relationship break down he ain't gonna do it - its ok now the 'housewife' is there to fulfill his needs).

lunar1 · 17/05/2015 21:56

You can't reassure her while you are with him. There would be no truth in any reassurance you would give and it would teach her not to trust you too.

I really hope you find a way out.

Original poster

Untouchable · 17/05/2015 21:56

He is her Father, I don't know where I gave the impression that he wasn't?

And I'm not a housewife, I work part-time as much as I physically can. I am not kept, I go without.

OP posts:

BuzzardBird · 17/05/2015 21:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker · 17/05/2015 22:11

goddessofsmallthings · 17/05/2015 23:48

Equally

What is BuzzardBird to do with the OP? Two different entities or one and the same?

I'm glad to know that you are not a 'kept' woman, Untouchable, as this means that you are not entirely without financial resource and in the best interests of yourself and your dd I suggest that you start the process of going 'without' your h so that you can both be better off.

On the very little you've said about his behaviour, it's clearly unreasonable and there should be no bar to you petitioning for divorce.

If you 'can't leave' you can at least put an end to his golf outings by burning eBaying his clubs. Personally, I'd be following him around the green with a large placard highlighting his appalling performance off the course and would have no qualms about attaching a large banner drawing attention to his shortcomings to the outside of the clubhouse.

How DARE he say such things to his dd?!!! Wtf planet does this wanker think he's on?

Time to forget being a 'friggin saint' -channel your inner sinner and nuke the twat.

Coyoacan · 18/05/2015 00:51

OP, don't tar everyone with the same brush. Only one person has been shit on this thread, god knows what axe they have to grind or they are probably just bored and very insensitive.

Get organised and get him out of there, if possible, or if not, leave with your dd.

Joysmum · 18/05/2015 01:00

So my poor DD (8) has just told me that my husband told her he hates me and wishes he hadn't married me and one night he is going to leave

I think closer assumed he's not her father because you referred to him as your husband rather than her father, then said he regretted marrying you.

The message stands, his behaviour shouldn't he defended and he's damaging your daughter. I hope you will act to protect her.

hobNong · 18/05/2015 01:15

What a wanker he is to say that to your dd. Op I don't think you should be with this man. When you said schooling is dependent on your address what do you mean? I thought once in school the children kept their place even if they move? (Within reason obviously).

At the very least I think you need to explain to dd that daddy is not a nice man. A nice man would not speak to his child about their mother like that.

NerrSnerr · 18/05/2015 03:38

I'm sorry OP, the only way to stop her feeling insecure is to leave.

Coyoacan · 18/05/2015 05:34

Joysmum, closer is being a bitch on every thread he/she posts on tonight.

Original poster

Untouchable · 18/05/2015 09:00

Thank you everyone, I have spoken to both of them and will be talking further tonight re whether he feels that way and what he is going to do about it. He said that he said it because I asked him to read to DD at bedtime and he obviously didn't want to. In other words he was having a childish tantrum. Still not ok.

I have looked up where my nearest CAB is and will be going to find out what help I can get. My income is very low due to my capabilities. (Probably where he feels the resentment from).

The buck has to stop here.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 18/05/2015 09:04

his excuse for the emotional abuse of his daughter is that you asked him to read her a bedtime story and he "didn't want to" ?

why is this man is still in your house ?

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