We are not 'meant' to be faithful to one person

[foodforthought]

Inspired by recent threads on having affairs with married men/women and the rage this appears to provoke...

Marriage is a constraint invented by us - it is not a natural state. Human beings are not designed to stay with one person forever. This is why people have affairs, regardless of whether children are involved or not.

Discuss.

I don't want to be

The thought of shagging someone else makes me feel all horrible

i choose to be faithful to my husband. i care about his feelings, i care about our family. i can be attracted to other people but i choose to stay faithful.

I don't want to be faithful to my partner

I'd much rather be shagging everybody

However it isn't very practical is it? We compromise sexual fun for stability and companionship.

As Graham Green once said:
"At the end of what is called the "sexual life" the only love which has lasted is the love which has everything, every disappointment, every failure and every betrayal, which has accepted even the sad fact that in the end there is no desire so deep as the simple desire for companionship."

Well, if you follow that to it's logical conclusion the desire to screw around is part of the biological imperative to procreate as successfully as possibly which means a choice of the best mates - possibly several mates. But how many people embark on affairs with the intention of having children?

And as for 'meant' - by whom? Who means us to?

People get enraged because fidelity in marriage/relationship is one of the rules of the club we all belong to. If the rules of the club begin to break down what else will follow. There is also the simply human factor that people don't like people who behave selfishly with no regard for others. Many things come naturally to humans but we train them out of our children - theft, murder, even dropping litter.

I have been with dh for 10 years and don't want to have an affair AT ALL.

I am very happy with DH and wouldn't be unfaithful to him, if I found myself tempted and felt that our relationship needed work would talk to him about it rather than go elsewhere. But have the advantage / disadvantage (depends on your perspective) of having been the other woman in a relationship before I met him and know how much heartache that can cause for everyone, so the great sex and crezy headiness that comes with all the excitement of an affair is just not worth it in the long run - at all

if you look at the animal kingdom, males are driven to pass on their genes to as many different females as possible, females are driven to create a safe environment for offspring while at the same time, secure the 'best' genes, and a variety of them! this leads to much luvin'

so i guess we have to choose are we rutting beasts after the next strand of dna, or intelligent beings who see the value of a society where there are rules, structure, family.....

There is a difference between multiple relationships and being unfaithful... you can have as many partners as you like but one at a time.

actually there are some animal species which mate for life........

x posts joelallie. change my post to "yeah, what she just said" !!

We're not meant to live in houses, fly in metal birds, prevent conception, sit in front of computers all day... etc. etc.

So many things we're not "meant" to do... but we do.

except most people don't actually manage lifelong fidelity to one person. Over 40% of marriages break down, and I have read somewhere that 70% of married people are unfaithful at some time (which does seem terribly high).

whether or not we are "meant" to be faithful, people don't seem very good at it.

70%? Gosh there's a lot of busy people out there.

I'm not that surprised - relationships are hard work, sometimes the grass looks long and green and lush somewhere else

But it still has it's share of hidden dog sh*t

What exactly do people count as being unfaithful? I should imagine that for different people it means different things.

joelallie - so very true

I've thought about this before... as humans I really don't believe marriage/cohabitation with the 'one' automatically numbs you to sexual feelings towards other people as you go through life; it's what you do about those feelings that matters, i.e. you go and pursue that person/fantasise about them. (Wouldn't go there myself by the way!)

As some bloke said, "Monogamy is like good crystal - beautiful - but once you get it, all it takes is one chip and it's never the same again."

In some cultures polygamy is both acceptable and widely practised. Polyamory is a lifestyle that some choose to embrace.

Views on fidelity are largely enculturated (from the cradle), and certainly not biological.

I have found no real evidence that one position is any better or more right than any another - it's the challenge to, or conflict between, belief structures that causes the grief. Make your choice, stick with it, and let other people be.

I am perfectly happy to remain faithful to DH. I love him. I respect him. And I wouldn't want to hurt him. Same goes for my DD, who would also be hurt by me (or DH) being unfaithful.

Isnt' this whay 20 - 30% of children aren't their father's children because women settle down with dull supportive men and have sex with exciting unreliable ones studies have shown....

having affairs is too much of a hassle. i'm too lazy and old.

Message withdrawn

Xenia, those stats are a bit contested - I think they are from a study of people who had some doubt about paternity, iyswim. I think the more reliable stats are down near 5%.

And I'm pretty sure we're "meant" to bash other people over the head and take their stuff - certainly it's something humans evolved to do. But that doesn't make it inevitable, or good.