We are not 'meant' to be faithful to one person

[foodforthought]

Inspired by recent threads on having affairs with married men/women and the rage this appears to provoke...

Marriage is a constraint invented by us - it is not a natural state. Human beings are not designed to stay with one person forever. This is why people have affairs, regardless of whether children are involved or not.

Discuss.

Yeah, we're also carnivores but we've striven against our genes and generally don't eat other people. Nor do we usually condone sex with children. As notquitecockney says, we don't kill each other (as a general rule) either. We've also overcome our genetic inheritance to the extent where incest is now frowned upon; picking your nose and eating it is definitely infra dig; getting dressed before leaving the house is more acceptable even on hot days than wandering round Tesco's naked......

I've thought about it but realise that all I know & love, family, friends, life would come crashing down if I were unfaithful. Feel it would be extremely selfish & even self-destructive, even if my infidelity stayed secret. Couldn't bear the effect it would have on my dc. As my parents' constant rowing & acrimonious separation had on me. Or the effect on dh, especially since his 1st wife left him for someone else.

"meant" is irrelevant, we do/invent/change things about both our bodies and the society we live in all the time. Monogamy is unfotunately fetishized to the point of madness in present day European society: the monogamy obsession makes people treat each other in various hideous ways when a sensible separation of love from sex would generally make for happier lives all round. It's perfectly possible to love and live with one person (or, indeed, two or three) and have sex with other people sometimes. It's not how many people you do/don't have sex with that makes you a good person, it's how you treat them.

Message withdrawn

madamez, "present day European society".... I'm not so sure. It's fairly common for adultery to be tolerated by women and men in some countries in Europe (what's the French phrase for the 5 - 7pm time of day ...) and huge swathes of people in the UK at up to it at any one time, as all these threads on mumsnet show. But no one likes to be cheated on and most people won't agree an open marriage (although some do). For me it would just be too complicated which is why I reject married men. Why have that hassle when you don't need it?

madamez - whilst it would almost certainly be easier if we could seperate love from sex, most people can't do it. Whether that is the result of biology or societal influences, that is the way most people are. However I do agree that it's how thoughtfully you treat people that counts and perhaps if we weren't all so obsessed with/shocked by sex if might be easier.

Re the OP - I don't feel that my marriage is a constraint.

There are other species that have monogamous and life-long relationships.

I doubt they all got together and discussed the pros and cons - "well, we're not really designed to stay together for ever, but shall we, and see how it goes?"

There are lots of things we all do that could be dismissed as not being 'a natural state'.

I think life-long relationships can be very successful, as long as both partners have similar views about the validity of their marriage - and as long as those views don't change.

I take my wedding vows very seriously, and luckily my husband does too.

I hope that won't ever change.

Where has foodforfought gone then? madamez I saw this and thought you would have started this t.b.h

I think a lifelong monogamous partnership was realistic when people lived for only 40/50 years however as people are now living longer 80/90+ years this state of being is possibly becoming less realistic?

BTW I have no intention of cheating on my DH nor him on me right now but neither of us can honestly predict how either one of us may change or how our environment will change in the future.

I'm with Morningpaper. Well, not with Morningpaper not least on account of aforementioned stability issue, but in agreement with Morningpaper. I don't believe in a One True Love or anything like that, and I'm quite aware that masses of people I know aren't faithful to their partners (I've slept with more than one of them in the past) but these days I can't face, you know, the hassle.

Quite apart from the fact that (a) I do rather love my partner (b) I don't really want to show anyone new the havoc that two pregnancies and births have wreaked on bits of my body that would be bound to get exposed.

fifty years sex before marriage was still a cultural taboo [even though people were all doing it.] Infidelity is also a cultural taboo, but it has more personal implications - hurting the one you love. I just wish i'd had more sex before marriage, but having been brought up to believe sex before marriage is wrong, only managed two lovers before dh. I do fancy other people sometimes, but it is the thought of hurting dh [and the fact that i couldn't bear him to do the same] that prevents me from pursuing a affair. Of course it is a biological urge - it is just our brains that make sure we don't want to get pregnant thru an affair.

do affairs come with boredom or these days is it too easy to get out of a marriage that has lost it's sparkle that these days we don't work too hard to retrieve ?

I love my DP, still fancy him, we have a great relationship and yet I was very close to being unfaithful, the sparkle of the new interest was the attraction, the validation that I was still attractive, despite approaching middle age, having had children.

The opportunity has passed and I'm glad it didn't happen, but I still feel unfulfilled and can't quite put my finger on why

'do affairs come with boredom or these days is it too easy to get out of a marriage that has lost it's sparkle that these days we don't work too hard to retrieve ? '

I think they come more w/a short-sighted culture and society that places so much emphasis on instant self-gratification and so little on personal responsibility.

It's all 'I have to be entertained' that people for some reason are continually shocked that life is actually comprised of a significant amount of mundane dullness. Why, that runs so contrary to the message they got from all the media they've been plugged into from the moment of conception .

This bores many married people w/children - or those w/long-term partners and children, and, having very little in the way of self-control, personal responsibility, respect for others and maturity, they seek gratification from screwing someone else.

B/c nowadays, it's all about the bling.

So go to it!

Fuck everyone's lives! Turn your kids into damaged souls! Embarrass the hell out of your family and friends! Show zero respect for your partner and those who care about you!

Look, now you've got drama, now you've got complications, now you've got movement and action.

B/c isn't life supposed to be just like the movies?

[rolls eyes]

couldn't agree more

Sorry abuot that last bit. Didn't mean for it to come out so pointed, it was more aimed at people who just seem to do this w/no thought at all for anything.

There are many who've been on the receiving end of that on this board.

YOu didn't go there.

But so many do.

Couldn't agree more with expat.

The dream or anticipation is probably better than the reality - hence my name - especially when you are getting old and crumbly like me. Someone mentioned the current 007 earlier, he's definitely on my dream list, but I bet he's a right knob in reality. probably not, but definitely not a patch on my DH, of 12 years .

expat - you are quite right. Life isn't exciting. Doesn't mean it can't be happy or at least contented. It's coming up to Remembrance Sunday - war must have been pretty exciting? Let's be grateful that we have the chance to live a 'dull' life.

we're not "meant" to be vegetarians but some of us choose to be...

we're not "meant" to do a lot of things, but we have reason which means that we understand the consequences of doing and not doing certain things (wearing clothes, living outside etc...being faithful) and we do them, undestanding that life could be a lot worse otherwise...

If you have met the right one then why would you be unfaithful?

Its as simple as that.

Very good Expat.
Spot on.

Undoubtedly fidelity is harder as people now live so damned long.
A few generations ago they were sick or dead in their mid 40s.

True, moony.

But hey, there's nothing wrong w/a little imagination.

For some, they can parlay it into big business - write romances or porn 'literature'.

But damn, I'm here to tell ya, it ain't worth it!

Besides, like MI pointed out, it's such a bother - the alibis, the lies, the fear of being caught out.

Not to mention, I don't look like I did five years ago!

There's no such thing as "the right one" out of all the billions of people on earth, you know. Sure, some people find a suitable partner ie two monogamy fetishists hook up - and like any people with a shared fetish, can be happy together. Others find that 'loving' one person doesn't limit the amount of 'love' they have to offer. One big problem with monogamy fascism and all this rubbish about the 'right ONE' is that it makes peole feel they have to discard an existing partner if they feel powerfully attracted to another because it's the One You Love who matters...

I agree about that, madame.

'The One' is a concept designed to sell people shit.

And generally, ideals designed to make people spend money aren't good ones to live by.