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Original poster

Dating a man with "issues" - wisdom needed please

58 replies

Toothfish · 17/05/2015 14:53

Hi. I'm not really sure whether to run away or persevere with the man I'm seeing as he's definitely got some issues.

Quick summary is that we were seeing each other a couple of months and at times he seemed really into me and looking to start a proper relationship and other times he pulled away and left me feeling confused. I think the amount he pushed me escalated. At first it went from not responding to texts as quickly to downright cancelling dates last minute without a reason that rang true.

I tried to discuss it with him and let him know it was upsetting me but he didn't listen, wouldn't explain so I dumped him. Which he never expected because I think he thought I was a soft touch.............which I am not!!!

So anyway, after I dumped him and after a week, he showed up on the doorstep asking for another chance. The quick version of what he said (I think he was brutally honest) is that he messed me around, knew full well he was doing it and this is just how he treats women and this is a side of hi that has developed because he did not want a relationship.

He said after going way and thinking about it he realised he'd fallen for me and wanted to have a proper relationship with me, and that if I give him a chance he will change completely and work at being a good boyfriend. He said he used to be a good boyfriend but his last two girlfriends cheated on him and left him commitment phobic and he wants to change and was waiting for the right girl which he thinks is me. He said he's not had a proper girlfriend for years. He seemed relatively open and honest, as what he said was not actually very nice or flattering (basically admitted he'd been playing me) and he did also get a tear run down his face at one point.

I am just wondering if I am wise to walk away from someone with such self-confessed issues with commitment and being open or if sometimes it might be worth allowing a bit of extra patience. Also of course I am a little worried that this is just another phase of the game.

I'd like to believe a bad boy can change his ways for the right girl, but is this naive? I've no wounded bird complex - never been with a guy before with "issues" but I am not sure if I am dealing with just a completely immature dick head who can't stand the fact that I dumped him or if this is a genuine person with some fears that he is trying to battle because he thinks I am worth it.

OP posts:
RagstheInvincible · 17/05/2015 16:37

I'd like to believe a bad boy can change his ways for the right girl

Well I've never seen it happen yet OP. Once a bastard always a bastard is my experience.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 17/05/2015 16:37

You'd be a total fool not to run a mile.

QuintShhhhhh · 17/05/2015 16:38

... And when he is still a manipulative shit, it is because YOU were a different woman than he thought, and if YOU change, he will too.

So, in short: RUN

jellyrolly · 17/05/2015 16:42

An actual tear, nice touch.

I would leave while you aren't too involved.

pocketsaviour · 17/05/2015 16:52

Give him a leaflet for the local Am Dram society - they're always looking for people who can cry on cue.

Then slam the door, preferably while his nuts are in the way.

Original poster
Toothfish · 17/05/2015 17:08

I read through all that and thanks for the comments. I do / did feel something was a bit off / lacked sincerity but wasn't sure if I was being too harsh when someone was trying to apologise.

He's not married, I know him and have known him for a while. He's well liked, just perpetually single but I know his ex wife and he was happily married and a good family man for 8 years.

He does appear (just from very slight changes in his voice) to hate his mother.

OP posts:
HelenaDove · 17/05/2015 17:11

Run Run silent Run hard Run deep But the key word here is RUN

LividofLondinium · 17/05/2015 18:08

"You are not his therapist. It's not your job to help him change"

Exactly. Maybe he can change, but if he has issues then he should go and get some professional help before he dates anyone, not expect them to put up with his shit until such time as he's sorted himself out. I don't think you should go back with him Toothfish.

saturnvista · 17/05/2015 18:22

I really wouldn't have anything to do with this. Even if what he's saying is true, this is the tip of the iceberg in terms of what you would experience. You want to be with someone who has spent past years treating the people around him in a decent way, or who changed and began treating them well some time ago because they realised that was who they wanted to be. He is saying that he was happy to treat women badly while there was nothing in it for him to treat them well. That's all. Don't get your heart into a vulnerable position with such a person; sooner or later, the man you choose to be with won't have all the feelings he has at the start and you will be left desperately hoping you've picked someone with good values. Which he hasn't.

Lipgloss74 · 17/05/2015 18:26

I'd walk away now with your head held high- if you can.
I just ended it with a very similar sounding man in Monday who for whatever reason told mutual friends on Friday we were still together??
It's good he has addressed his 'issues' but does not mean he can or will change his behaviour and we as human beings have needs that should be met and be made to feel safe, secure and lived in a relationship.
We deserve the best x

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 17/05/2015 18:32

He doesn't have issues, he's a cunt.

Lipgloss74 · 17/05/2015 18:37

Oops loved!!

Original poster
Toothfish · 17/05/2015 18:40

Drink that made me laugh. those were his own words actually. I don't know why I am even thinking about it really. The person I felt positive regard for was (by his own admission) a fake so it'd be al about spending time getting to know a new person who doesn't sound like a very nice person.

OP posts:
demonchilde · 17/05/2015 18:40

Yep- run away. if you value your mental health that is. Definitely. He sounds like a twisted and devious bastard. Run for the hills before you get sucked in.

FlabulousChix · 17/05/2015 18:51

Hmmm so you expect an older person to not have baggage? That's somewhat naive. Everybody over the age of 30 has emotional baggage from a previous relationship that's life and it is what it is. Unless of course he is a Virgin and 21. Then run.

FlabulousChix · 17/05/2015 18:56

So you expect to meet someone with no baggage? Are you a Virgin and 21! Everybody over 30 has emotional baggage from precious relationships it's what makes us who we are and its how we learn. Are you going to write off anyone that has a past?

HelenaDove · 17/05/2015 18:57

Its ok for ppl to have baggage Chix Whats not ok is for them to use it as an excuse to manipulate or abuse another person.

Whatamayday · 17/05/2015 18:58

So he's treating you badly because someone else treated him badly? Forget it.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 17/05/2015 19:05

We all have issues . But it doesn't equal to being a twat. He's a player who tries to push the boundaries to see how far he can go. I'm wary of dating, I'd he caution but would not fuck anyone about.

When the OP said issues, I though maybe mental health issues or sth. But no, a prized twat.

AnyFucker · 17/05/2015 19:09

having "baggage" does not excuse someone from treating others shittily

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 17/05/2015 19:12

I'd he caution = I'd be cautious

AnyFucker · 17/05/2015 19:13

that's an interesting paradox, flabulous

you would tolerate being manipulated and treated badly but someone who is a virgin at 21 is someone to avoid at all costs ?

Zucker · 17/05/2015 19:26

Ruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun like the wind.

He's trying to reel you back in because you Shock dumped him.
Agree 100% with this>> Yes. Sorry OP but this screams to me classic "No one but no one dumps me. I'll suck her back in so I can dump her from a height. And man it will be one hell of a height to teach her a real lesson. I'll enjoy laughing my self silly at her on her way down."

TheChandler · 17/05/2015 19:34

Why OP? Why would you bother?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/05/2015 19:35

toothfish

re your comment:-
"He does appear (just from very slight changes in his voice) to hate his mother"

That is because he does and such men always hate their mother. Infact such types hate women, all of them.

Re this comment from you as well:-
"He's not married, I know him and have known him for a while. He's well liked, just perpetually single but I know his ex wife and he was happily married and a good family man for 8 years".

How do you know that they were happily married?. I doubt very much if their marriage was at all happy to be honest, a perpetually single man is so for good reason and ones that you should never ignore or minimise.