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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DP has new GF but still living in our home..

39 replies

TotallyShellshocked · 16/05/2015 23:32

Have name changed for this one.

Relationship with DP has been bad for a long time. I think that over the last few years we have grown apart and decided to split. DP agreed to move out of our home. A few weeks have gone past without DP finding anything suitable so his house hunt goes on however he does not seem to be in a rush to go... Last week he told me in the morning before going to work that he is seeing someone else.. Since then he has been coming home late like 1 am in the morning on several occasions. The same day as he told me in the morning he told our DC in the evening about his new girlfriend and promptly took the DD2 over to her house to meet her. I find this really this respectful and hurtful. I have the feeling that a lot of people knew about this new relationship before I did. I have also been told that his new partner has been in our house which really bugs me because it is my home...
We have 2 DC together, both teenagers now which is why I really want us to part on good terms but I'm finding it increasingly hard to cope. In addition to the above oldest DD had been involved in an accident and although she is expected to make a full recovery she will needs several hospital appointments which means I have to take time of work. Again this worries me as I work as a temp and therefore I have very little job security.. I'm going mad with stress coping with DD's injuries, job security and DP behaving like a love sick puppy... I know that once DP has moved out and DD's injuries heal life will slowly get better but at the moment I feel like I can not keep it together anymore and I'm slowly but surely loosing my mind...
How do I battle through this?? Please help me.

OP posts:

tribpot · 16/05/2015 23:41

Jesus. So to be clear, you have been split for a matter of weeks and he has not only met someone else (don't believe that, I am pretty sure he was already seeing her) and told your children and introduced one of them to her AND she's been in your house? What the hell!

This is not only hugely disrespectful to you but deeply upsetting and confusing for your children. I think all you can do now is keep reinforcing this point - it is too soon for them to accept that he has moved on, he needs to proceed more cautiously where they are concerned. It doesn't sound like he's going to, however, so he needs to move out. No more 'can't find anywhere suitable', he has to go.

I think most workplaces would be fairly understanding of staff, even temps, having to take time off in the circumstances you describe. Are you on a long term assignment or are you in different places every few weeks? Either way, you either have some goodwill built up because you've been there for a while, or you're only inconveniencing each customer with one or maybe two appointments. Has anyone suggested they are hacked off with the time off?

Is there anyone who can help you? Do friends and family know you're struggling?

You will get through this, one day at a time.

lordStrange · 16/05/2015 23:52

This is really dreadful behaviour from him. Where is his fucking respect for you, YOU the mother of his DC?

I would put super pressure on him now to a. Piss off and b. step up in helping with your poorly dc.

Once he is GONE, your home will seem so much lighter and happiness will naturally flood back in. You can do this.

Original poster

TotallyShellshocked · 16/05/2015 23:56

The people I can depend on and help me are not in my area sadly... So they can not help me. I do not believe for one minute that he has only been seeing her recently. I would think that he would be reasonably sure about the relationship before telling his kids.. I know she lived on her own but he is saying he would like to move in to a flat on his own because he wants "independence"... When I read my own post I can't really believe this is my life tbh..

OP posts:

Jackw · 17/05/2015 00:00

Next time he goes out, lock the door and leave the key in the lock so he can't get in. Pack him a bag and leave it on the doorstep.

Alibabsandthe40Musketeers · 17/05/2015 00:08

Who owns the house?

Kick his arse out the door, he is being utterly disrespectful. You do realise that he has probably been seeing this woman since before you broke up?

Original poster

TotallyShellshocked · 17/05/2015 00:11

I wish I had the nerve to pack him a bag and leave on the doorstep but worried about my DC. I want them to make up their own mind about what type of man their father is so nobody can blame me playing the kids up against him. He has gone out with her tonight but was generous enough to tell me he would leave the car at home in case I needed to make a trip up to the hospital with DD...
His parents live fairly close to us, I think he has enough options to leave us now. It would take a lot of stress out of our lives. I struggle to understand that he can not see what he is doing to us..

OP posts:

Alibabsandthe40Musketeers · 17/05/2015 00:13

And yet he has the nerve to bring another woman into your home right under your nose?

Kick him out and tell him to go to his parents.

I would think that showing your DD that you don't allow a man to treat you this way is more important than just lying down and taking it so that they can't say you were hard on him.

tribpot · 17/05/2015 00:16

I struggle to understand that he can not see what he is doing to us..

He does see. He just doesn't care. I notice there's no suggestion he take time off for these hospital appointments?

It's time for him to go to his parents.

StaceyAndTracey · 17/05/2015 00:18

What Ali baba said

You want him to " see what he's doing to us " ?

He doesn't care . About you or your kids. Or he wouldn't haven't introduced them to OW while he's still living with you .

Kick him out .

StaceyAndTracey · 17/05/2015 00:18

X post with tribpot .

lordStrange · 17/05/2015 00:20

Stop wondering about having the nerve.

Your own precious well-being, mental stability, and fuck off awesomeness is at stake here. He pisses the piss off. No question.

Original poster

TotallyShellshocked · 17/05/2015 00:23

I agree with what you are saying, I just can't think straight anymore. I have hit rock bottom. On the other hand if I can get him to go nicely but quickly I still believe it will be for the best long term. (I know that I'm probably kidding myself) I intend to talk to him again in the morning..

OP posts:

Original poster

TotallyShellshocked · 17/05/2015 00:26

In terms of taking time if for hospital appointments it really is something I have to do. DD is suffering from burns on the top of her legs and part of her "privates"... There is no way I can get him to hold her hand whilst the hospital change her dressings...

OP posts:

lordStrange · 17/05/2015 00:29

for your dd.

HootyMcTooty · 17/05/2015 09:01

Get him out of the house, seriously.

He has parents, he has his new girlfriend. It's time for you both to move on. Continuing this situation will be more damaging to your DDs perception of what is acceptable, than if they saw you standing up for yourself.

to you and your DD

whatyouseeiswhatyouget · 17/05/2015 09:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

paxtecum · 17/05/2015 09:21

Are you on reasonable terms with his parents?
I know blood is thicker than water, so of course they will side with him, but would they give him temporary accommodation?

FlabulousChix · 17/05/2015 09:24

Introducing your children to a new partner this early is not on. Tell him if he wants to move on he has to move out. Give him a time limit. Whose home is it? Can you manage the finances alone with only benefits part time wage and maintenance

FlabulousChix · 17/05/2015 09:25

Oh and I'd pack his stuff change the locks and tell him to jog on.

Thetruthshallmakeyefret · 17/05/2015 09:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

chelle792 · 17/05/2015 09:33

This happened with me. I found out dp (now ex) had been seeing someone else while he was really very ill in hospital. We split. I looked after him for a couple of weeks at home until he was on his feet. He then told me he was going on a 'date' with girl he had been seeing.

This was the one and only time I ever flipped but I went spazzo. Completely tore him to shreds about how unreasonable he was after I'd spent his hospital time sleeping at the foot of his bed, etc, etc. I told him he had two days to get out.

Stormed out of my house in my pj's and didn't come back for 4 hours. It was the disappearing act that made him listen, I think. AND the fact that I never ever have a go. He realised I had the right to.

Send the kids to the cinema and then tear him a new one. Good luck x

Elllimam · 17/05/2015 09:36

How awful. Who owns the house? Get legal advice ASAP, get him out of the house, reduce your contact with him to the bare minimum. You are not benefiting your kids by letting him treat you so badly.

Cherryapple1 · 17/05/2015 09:43

Bloody hell - his bags are on the doorstep today. No more behaving like a doormat. And the children will already see what he is. Stop being deluded that you have to guard their relationship with him. It is not your problem.

MuttonCadet · 17/05/2015 09:51

He's brought his girlfriend to your house?

He can go and live with his parents.

For you.

ravenmum · 17/05/2015 10:23

He won't hold his daughter's hand in hospital because ... why? He's her dad, isn't he? Tosser.

I couldn't get my husband to leave after finding out about the OW. No amount of discussion, arguments, crying, wandering the streets to get away from him etc. made him in any rush to leave what he reminded me was "his house" so he had the right to stay (it's jointly owned). I said I'd move out with the kids (only other option) and he rubbished the idea; he and his dad talked me into thinking that would be cruel to the kids. He was planning to stay for months, which was also supposedly better for the kids. Every time I saw him "casually" sitting on our settee I'd ask why he was still there. I'd come down in the night and ask why he was still there. I told him I felt like I was going mad.

One day I sat down next to him on the settee, put my hand on his knee and kissed him on the cheek. He shrank back in disgust and said not to do it. I reminded him that he was "my husband" so I had the right to kiss him. He said I was "mad" (I felt like saying "see? I told you so?"). He found somewhere to stay within a week.

Having your dad hang about while your mum goes mad is not better for your kids. Having him piss off and let you start sorting your new life out is.

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