DP has new GF but still living in our home..

[TotallyShellshocked]

Have name changed for this one.

Relationship with DP has been bad for a long time. I think that over the last few years we have grown apart and decided to split. DP agreed to move out of our home. A few weeks have gone past without DP finding anything suitable so his house hunt goes on however he does not seem to be in a rush to go... Last week he told me in the morning before going to work that he is seeing someone else.. Since then he has been coming home late like 1 am in the morning on several occasions. The same day as he told me in the morning he told our DC in the evening about his new girlfriend and promptly took the DD2 over to her house to meet her. I find this really this respectful and hurtful. I have the feeling that a lot of people knew about this new relationship before I did. I have also been told that his new partner has been in our house which really bugs me because it is my home...
We have 2 DC together, both teenagers now which is why I really want us to part on good terms but I'm finding it increasingly hard to cope. In addition to the above oldest DD had been involved in an accident and although she is expected to make a full recovery she will needs several hospital appointments which means I have to take time of work. Again this worries me as I work as a temp and therefore I have very little job security.. I'm going mad with stress coping with DD's injuries, job security and DP behaving like a love sick puppy... I know that once DP has moved out and DD's injuries heal life will slowly get better but at the moment I feel like I can not keep it together anymore and I'm slowly but surely loosing my mind...
How do I battle through this?? Please help me.

Op this is so horrible of him. You want him to leave on good terms because of your dc? I just wonder what message that is sending your dc. Dd in particular - that it's acceptable for a man to treat you like this? Getting feisty and setting the terms doesn't mean ending badly it just means not putting up with the crap.
You calmly say: "you've clearly moved on and I would like to do the same. I cannot do that with you here so you can go to your parents, your girlfriend or a hotel - up to you - but as of the end of Monday this is my house and you will no longer live here."

Would you want your dd to be treated like this? If she was, what would you advise her to do?

I wish you all the best op

Agree with everyone else - he just needs to be out of the house now - this isn't a reasonable way for you all to live. What is the house ownership situation, and what have the two of you agreed about how this will work once you have split up? IS it as 'simple' as just getting him out, physically?

I think you need to have a proper chat with him and agree some ground rules/timeplan:

• he needs to be out of the house now he has a girlfriend/to give you both space to adjust - as he agreed. You need this to happen asap - I'd be giving him 1 weeks absolute max, if you want to be nice. 24 hours otherwise! If he hasn't found anywhere, he'll need to go back to his parents for a bit.
• His girlfriend is NOT to come into the house - it is your house and you find it massively disrespectful. End of. If she comes into the house, you will see that as a reason for him to leave immediately, bags on the drive style.
• How are you going to manage child maintenance - mediation? If so, start putting that in order
• Start thinking how you'll manage large shared assets (car?)

If you are on reasonable/good terms with his parents, I'd also think seriously about contacting them - from the pov of 'you know we've split up/dp now has a new girlfriend, we've agreed he'll move out by x date. Of course you are still very much part of the dcs lives, and we hope x/y/z can continue as they always have'. Hopefully will ensure that they offer to have him for a while/enable him moving out.

Who's house is it OP? It may not be as easy as just changing the locks.

Thanks for all your replies all... I really appreciate it. I'm going to get legal advice early next week and find a way to get him to leave. He told me he has not said anything to his parents yet. I think he finds it difficult to tell them... I don't know.. I'm going to get advice next week and work on getting him out.. Told him again he needs to go and even sent him 2 links of flats in the area which seem fine to me..

I think he and the new girlfriend are very well suited. Who would go out with someone who treats people like that... I have definitely learned my lesson... Never ever again.

I'd find it difficult to tell my parents that I'd treated my partner in life and the parent of my children as shabbily as this. In your circumstances I really would seriously consider telling your parents-in-law yourself. The current set up is utterly unacceptable for all concerned.

for you and your girls.

Relationship with Mil and Fil is tricky. I have never been good enough for that side of the family. The other side of hand family I get on well with are hours away.. I spoke to them a few days ago. He does not know who I have spoken to and would like to keep it like that until I have legal advice tbh...

Op. Your problem is that you care too much. I'm sorry to say but your 'husband' emotionally left you a long time ago and in his head, he's thinking you are a mug. More for, that justifies me leaving you because you take all the bullshit I don't give a Todd about AT you. Do you understand what I'm saying here?

Sounds to me you've hit rock bottom or close to it. You are not going to get any better in his presence. You need him out. Fight your battles with him outside of your home. Find a good male friend and plan this. Change the locks. Yes, he can fight you legally. Let him pay for his soon to be massive legal bills after you change the locks.

Sorry Op. You are under immense pressure but in a way, you are enabling him.

I've thrown every single belonging of my ex into black bags, left it outside with a note saying I'm going to call the police if he tries to break the door down threatening with domestic violence. And damn I told every one of his family and friends who asked why I did it that.

Up to you how you want to play this and I'm sure many here will say do it the legal way/take advice bullshit. But not in my house I'd say.

P.s. your kids will thank you for it in the long run. My husband feels his mother was weak for letting his dad stay. Not great parenting in his opinion.

This happened to my sister. Her twat ex was seeing someone else, refused to move out, coming home at all hours and even went on holiday with the OW. My lovely sister tried to salvage the marriage but he wasn't interested. My sister told her MIL in the end and eventually after many months he moved out back to his parents who were in fact disgusted by his behavior.
You should ring your PIL , tell them that your H needs a place to stay and then tell him you have found a place for him to stay. Get tough, he doesn't get to decide these things, you do. Work out how much maintenance etc he will need to pay so you can work out your finances.
FWIW my sister is now remarried to a lovely man, her ex is single, living in a one bedroom flat and is miserable. Karma. Miserable twat (I hate him for the way he completely disrespected my sister and their daughters)

If he won't tell his parents, you know you can. I would. Then inform him that you've resolved his problem and his parents are expecting him.

who owns the house or is it rented ?

I would say to him that the fact that he has moved on so quickly has made it very awkward for you to still live together. Tell him it's stressing you and must be difficult for the children too. Tell him that as he can't seem to see how much more difficult his lack of discretion is making everything you are now telling him that he needs to move very quickly - that could be to her house, to a friend's or to his parents in the meantime, but it needs to happen. Tell him you were thinking a chat with his parents may be on the cards if he can't do the decent thing.

Maybe you could let him move the new GF in and do their washing? YOu might need to sleep on the sofa ....

FFS! Set a hard, drop dead date - end of the month. And kick him out. WTF is your ex waiting for? Armageddon?

You can talk until you're blue in the face but you simply can't reason with such an unreasonable person. Describing your feelings, setting deadlines etc. is fine and good, but has no actual effect if the other person simply sticks his fingers in his ears and keeps telling you he's doing it all for the sake of the kids.

I also didn't resort to changing the locks, as we share ownership of the house - surely the law would be on his side if you prevented him from entering his own property? Like the OP I did not want to make things even worse. I felt I was in a precarious enough situation without angering the person who'd hopefully be paying me maintenance - which, after this shit behavíour, didn't feel like something I could rely on. I also didn't want to be made into the stereotype vicious ex who throws her partner's things out of the window. Trying to settle things amicably is not enabling, and is not being a mug. It is being a decent person who doesn't want to stop acting decently just because her husband has.

Do note that politely informing his parents of the situation is perfectly reasonable and justifiable, and that you don't need to be nice to them any more. You might even find that they react better to the unpleasant you, anyway... my FIL suddenly stopped being quite such a pain when I started talking straight to him.

Hope you can get rid soon, OP - it will feel a lot better then. Go through your finances, make a plan, see who'd support you in a crisis and you won't feel so panicked. Even though I eventually cracked and forced him out by creeping him out, we are reasonably civil to one another now.