Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

im at wits end with my son.

44 replies

thecalmbeforethestorm · 16/05/2015 21:39

He's nearly 18, in counselling and has now been given prozac. Im wondering what I ever did so wrong. I've been a lone parent since he was 18 months old, a mutual split with his father who was messed up in the head and mentally abusive. Ds doesnt remember his dad and i being together. Ds and I had a lovely life, he's had everything he ever wanted, moneywise and love. He was such a sunny little kid, his moods started when I had his sister 11 years ago and it has gone from bad to worse. He told me tonight that when he was younger and he came back from his dads he would be anxious and not want to come back here....why? His dad is strict, has messed him around all his life with contact. I honestly dont get it. Sometimes I wonder if i've babied him too much and made him spoilt..he wont go anywhere alone, he wont do anything to help at home at all, i wait on him or he doesnt eat...when I was his age I had a mortgage and a child! Am I being a horrible mum or is he just a big baby?

OP posts:

UncertainSmile · 17/05/2015 07:03

For fuck sakes, he's ill. He's also still a child.

ALaughAMinute · 17/05/2015 08:07

If he was my son I would want to get him off the prozac and nurture him back to health. A big baby he might be but he's only 17.

Talk to him and try to get to the route cause of him problem. Speak to his GP and try and get him some counselling.

Mental health is a serious problem in young men so you need to take this very seriously.

ALaughAMinute · 17/05/2015 08:10

Just noticed that you've already said that he is having counselling. I hope it helps. I know this is a difficult situation for you but you must try to be strong.

Hassled · 17/05/2015 08:12

He's not a big baby - he's suffering from poor mental health and needs a lot of support. It's a really hard age - going from boyhood to manhood, social pressures, exam pressures, worries about your future - I wouldn't ever want to go back to being 18 again. Do what you can to reduce the pressures on him, and accept that it will take time to get him "well" again. And keep talking to him - try not to let him bottle things up. I've been there with one of my DC and I do understand how hard it is - but you need endless, patient support.

Superworm · 17/05/2015 08:16

It's good he can tell you honestly how he's feeling, listen and try to understand. I would stop worrying about what you did and think about ways to support him through this difficult time.

Depression is shit. It's even worse when your a teenager as you don't have the life experience and cognitive skills to help you move forwards. I had two male friend commit suicide at 19, so don't worry about 'babying' him, just be his mum, love him and help him to get better.

PacificDogwood · 17/05/2015 08:18

He is ill.

There is good evidence that AD work for many people, and that some form of 'talking therapy' works for many people. The best outcomes are achieved by having both, so I am glad to read that your son has access to both treatments.

You are aware that late teenhood/early adulthood is a very difficult time for many young people? And that the risk of certain MH issues is probably higher in young men who also often find it harder to talk about their difficulties? And that is without the added complexity of his childhood.

Depression is an illness like any other illness, please don't think less of him than you would if he, say, turned out to have diabetes or whatever.
You are his mother - be there for him.
You did not have depression when you were his age - great. He does. Support him.

I'd caution against just stopping his AD - they have their place, they can help recovery to the point where as person is more capable at looking at their difficulties via counselling/therapy.

I hope he has a smooth recovery

DeckSwabber · 17/05/2015 08:36

Sometimes young men can't articulate what's wrong very well, so don't take it personally if he doesn't tell you very much.

Its a stressful time being 18 - lots of choices, exam pressure, worries about 'what next'. The family situation may or may not be an issue but the counsellor will almost certainly have talked to him about 'home' so it will be on his mind. Don't press him to tell you.

be proud of him for seeing a counsellor - not an easy thing to do.

Best advice I can offer is to give him your unconditional support. A hug (if he does hugs) for no reason. Boost him with small but specific positives - eg 'I love it when you do xxx'. Ask him if there is anything you can do to help but don't press. Think about whether there is something you both enjoy that you could do together - a trip to town, cinema, a walk. I have found long car journeys to be the most productive mother/son bonding times! If he's well enough, cooking together or even doing the washing up together can be positive for both of you.

Also take some time for yourself - its draining being with someone very close to you who is ill with depression and he needs you to be OK

Good luck.

bunchoffives · 17/05/2015 09:06

Hang on in there OP. It's a really tough time but I promise 'this too shall pass'. You will get through it. 17 is a really difficult age for some dc. They can become very hard to live with I know and it is very wearing, demoralising and worrying.

So what are the most important things at the moment for you (imho)?

STOP blaming yourself. Your son has not become depressed because you are a lp, he has a sibling or other normal family stuff. He's ill. But he will get better.

As others have said, support your son, be there for him. The waiting on him and lack of domestic input is infuriating and worrying (in a how the feck will he ever cope on his own sort of way). But it too will get better in time ime. And anyway now is not the time to pressure him about that. Encourage him to wash, change clothes, eat regularly and go outside everyday. And go to bed before midnight.

Does he go to college or have plans for his future? Helping him decide on some goals and finding his way to achieving them will give him a sense of direction. But it depends whether he's ready for that yet.

And try to get some support for yourself. If you've got a bit of spare cash investing in a few counselling sessions for yourself will help you to deal with your own stuff so that you can put it aside while supporting your ds.

sakura · 17/05/2015 09:39

Well I think if you're looking for answers rather than practical support, he's already told you: it was the arrival of his sister, and you can trace his moods back to that.
DD has never forgiven me for having DS and she was only 2 1/2 when he arrived. I never anticipated the way it would irrevocably alter my relationship with her. Ironically I had DS because I thought children were better off with a sibling. Now, I'm not so sure.
Also, I'm guessing that with the arrival of his DS there was another man in the house? This could create anxiety in a child, for sure.
But there is absolutely nothing that you personally have done wrong. He has reached an age where he is now expected by society to fly the nest and he's obviously not ready.

Do you still have a DP living with you? The father of your DD? If so, this might be pushing him out of the family home, albeit subtly.

PeaceOfWildThings · 17/05/2015 09:53

You have done your best.

The combination of anti depressants such as Prozac, combined with counselling are statistically the best route for recovery. Lots of children have this, some much younger.

Think.about what you can do now to help, don't wrap yoursrlf up in the past and 'what ifs'. He needs you now, to be a warm and friendly, loving and accepting family base to be himself in.

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 17/05/2015 09:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PeaceOfWildThings · 17/05/2015 09:58

I'm sure the OP knows that Giraffe, but when it is your own child it is suprising how strong feelings of guilt and so on rise to the fore and seem all encompassing.

This too shall pass, calm.

letscookbreakfast · 17/05/2015 09:59

I can't believe that someone suggested getting him off the Prozac and nurturing him back to health, that must be a piss take surely?

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 17/05/2015 10:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tiredemma · 17/05/2015 10:15

How long has he been on the prozac? Have you seen any lift in his mood at all?

ALaughAMinute · 17/05/2015 10:25

"I can't believe that someone suggested getting him off the Prozac and nurturing him back to health, that must be a piss take surely?"

Letscook,

Read my post - I said if he was my son I would want to get him off the prozac and nurture him back to health. At no point did I suggest that he should come off his medication immediately without the guidance and approval of his GP. If he does come off his medication it has to be done slowly under the supervision of his GP.

shirleybasseyslovechild · 17/05/2015 10:32

nurture back to health ? it doesn't work like that.
you might as well try to nurture an insulin dependant diabetic back to health

PacificDogwood · 17/05/2015 10:47

Well, a supportive environment can certainly help recovery, and a dysfunctional can affect it adversely.

And ADs are not happy pills - depending how long and how regularly he's taken his Prozac and depending how much it has helped, it is of course worth a conversation with his doctor to see what the best way forward is.

As he is so young, does he have specialist input? A CPN? Psychiatrist?

ALaughAMinute · 17/05/2015 10:53

"Well, a supportive environment can certainly help recovery, and a dysfunctional can affect it adversely.

Well said Pacific, my thoughts entirely!

SuburbanRhonda · 17/05/2015 11:00

If you had a mortgage and a child at the age of 17, maybe your expectations about what he should have achieved at the same age are a bit unrealistic.

mistymeanour · 17/05/2015 11:19

When people are depressed often they can only recall negative experiences and images and can say very hurtful things. They are ill - don't take them personally. Be kind to yourself. Focus on the now and be loving and supportive to your son. Even though he is almost technically an adult, he still needs your love and support as much as when he was a baby.

florentina1 · 17/05/2015 11:55

Please do not blame yourself. Depression, as others have said, is an illness.
Those suffering from depression often have a very distorted view of the past and also of what the future holds.

I cannot give advice as to whether to toughen up with your son or be gentle with him, only a trained therapist is able to show you how best you can help him. What I can say is that, from your post, it seems you have been a very loving mum.

MatildaTheCat · 17/05/2015 12:05

OP, maybe you would benefit from some counselling yourself. Having a child with MH problems is very draining and I think it is natural to search for reasons and blame when in reality he may just be made that way.

I suggest that you contact Young Minds who will offer support by phone and perhaps suggest strategies for helping you all as a family.

Keep loving him with kindness and patience, it's very hard.

springydaffs · 17/05/2015 12:53

You need a counsellor too, op. You need somewhere to offload all your thoughts without ppl jumping down your throat.

I've had awful trouble with my kids and learnt the hard way it is a no-go area of discussion. Ppl can have a very judgemental limited view of troubled kids, along the lines that something like that would never happen to their kids its probably your parenting that is at fault. They try not to think it - but they do.

If you then have the temerity to criticise your kids it only confirms you're a bad parent. You can't win.

You need somewhere you can flesh out your thoughts and feelings, which are complex when your dear child is struggling. Xx

springydaffs · 17/05/2015 13:06

Most of my friends have troubled kids - simply bcs we have gravitated together, ppl I have met along the way somehow. As much as I am pleased for friends whose kids' lives are going swimmingly, there's only so much of it I can take. Plus the unspoken, inherent judgement I mentioned above.

Make no mistake: having troubled kids is about as agonising as it gets in life. Go easy on yourself, your feelings of guilt, heartache, anger will swing about. You need somewhere safe to express them - take and look out for every avenue to get that support. You need it

Flip

1 2