im at wits end with my son.

[thecalmbeforethestorm]

He's nearly 18, in counselling and has now been given prozac. Im wondering what I ever did so wrong. I've been a lone parent since he was 18 months old, a mutual split with his father who was messed up in the head and mentally abusive. Ds doesnt remember his dad and i being together. Ds and I had a lovely life, he's had everything he ever wanted, moneywise and love. He was such a sunny little kid, his moods started when I had his sister 11 years ago and it has gone from bad to worse. He told me tonight that when he was younger and he came back from his dads he would be anxious and not want to come back here....why? His dad is strict, has messed him around all his life with contact. I honestly dont get it. Sometimes I wonder if i've babied him too much and made him spoilt..he wont go anywhere alone, he wont do anything to help at home at all, i wait on him or he doesnt eat...when I was his age I had a mortgage and a child! Am I being a horrible mum or is he just a big baby?

Spring daffs, thanks for the supportive posts and good advice.

Flab that is clearly wrong. You obviously have no understanding of mental illness. Your post should be reported.

OP, do you have any contact with your son's counsellor? Would they be willing to do a joint session with you and him?

My son has suffered from depression since his dad died when he was 13. He tried ADs but they didn't make much difference. A supportive counsellor/psych did, but there has to be trust there.

He had great support from CAMHS and I used to go to a session with him about once every 4-6 weeks just to check in. This helped him say anything to me he needed to say in a calm and supportive environment. The counsellor was also good about working with us both to think of coping strategies for when he was in crisis, and new ways of approaching things to lessen conflicts.

One thing I would say is when he comes out of a session (or at any time) and says something negative about the past or about your lives now, try not to react defensively. It's human nature for us to respond "Well you should have told me at the time!" or "What do you expect me to do about it?"

It's much more helpful to him if you just say "I'm sorry, you must have felt very lonely/angry/scared/sad. What can I do to help?"

Spending one-on-one time with him could also help him. Even if it's just going for a walk, or watching a TV show you both like, or whatever.

Good luck to you both. It's a long road, my son is nearly 20 now and things are certainly a lot better than they were, but he's a long way from his peers. But everything is going in the right direction.

Yes, good advice to work on ones' own defensive behaviours. There are many, and and they can come naturally so it can take a bit of work to get to the point where saying 'you must have felt very xxxxxx, do you want to talk more about it, what can I do to help?' is an easy thing to do.

A lot of good advice, here, I just wanted to say that whether he sought help on his own or allowed you to organise help, that in itself is a brilliant sign. Having a dear friend who suffers from depression, I always know she is on the turn when she starts to seek help.

Oh gosh, yes, very good advice to make a point of looking after you own physical and mental health too, thecalm. You may be in for a marathon, not a sprint, so look after yourself, arm yourself with information and be there for your DS.

Thanks for the replies. I think perhaps some of you got the wrong idea, I'm not being unsympathetic to my son...I myself was diagnosed with depression when I was 19 years old and have been on and off with different tablets since. I do know exactly what it's like to feel hopeless. I think I know what kicked off that feeling with me though, I had an awful childhood, I was physically and mentally abused from the age of ten to when I moved out at my sons age. Maybe that's why I struggle so much to understand... I always made sure my kids were never treated as I was, lots of love, attention, everything they wanted. And I hate to admit it but sometimes I think "why are you like this?" I've given him everything, when I've had no money I've sold my own clothes to save for his birthday so he can have the same as other kids his age. He has never wanted for anything love or moneywise. He has been spoilt rotten, no doubt about it.

The thing is though, no matter how good a parent you have been, his Dad sounds like he hasn't been and that will have affected your DS. One great parent doesn't quite make up for a shitty one. You have to recognise that.

I agree with others about giving him the support he needs and being kind to yourself.

Hope things improve.

Bless you for selling your clothes so you could save for his birthday! My heart goes out to you. It sounds as if you have been a lovely mother to your son so don't worry about any of the previous comments on here. Sometimes we get the wrong end of the stick, as you quite rightly say.

I have to agree with Mad, that it sounds as if your ex husband could be the root cause of your sons problems. It can't have been easy for either of you living with a man who was messed in the head and abusive. I hope the counselling helps and that your son is able to get the past in some sort of perspective and move forward. No doubt you will continue to support him and be the good mother you have always been.

I hope your sons health improves soon and that he makes a speedy recovery.

Take care of yourself.

Speaking of someone who had pretty crippling depression starting in my late teens...
All you can be is supportive.
Sometimes there just is no reason for mental health problems. I come from a pretty nice family, ok not perfect but there you go.
How much of what he says to you is the illness talking?
He feels down, he feels like there's no real point to anything, and you can't just talk someone out of it, it's not how it works. I know my Mum had a really hard time accepting that, I know there are times that despite how supportive she was, she was beyond frustrated that I couldn't just pull myself up out of it and bloody cheer up a bit!
Give the pills and counselling more time. It was months before I noticed any benefit, and it's ups and downs.

Stop blaming yourself. Like any illness, sometimes these things just happen for no reason at all. You didn't spoil him, you did the best you could and he does know that, deep down.

He may well have hidden anxiety issues - hence not wanting to do things alone and I found the lethargy the illness gave me pretty hard to fight.

Wish I could offer more practical support, I really do. I know how hard it is to be stuck in the pit of it and there looks to be no way out.
Be patient to him and be kind to yourself. It's not his fault, and it's not yours either.

God I can't believe some of the attitudes to mental illness on here. Telling someone with depression that they need to get off their medication is like telling an asthmatic to stop using their inhalers and instead be "nurtured" back to health.

Some people have to remain on ADs for life. It is nothing to be ashamed of, just the way that Their mental illness needs to be managed. My DH has to use his preventative inhaler every day to keep his asthma at bay. Can you imagine someone saying "well if he was my son, I would want him off that ventolin and would be nurturing him back to health?"

Managing mental illness is exactly the same as managing any other health issue. You do what needs to be done to manage it.

Can you elaborate on how you "wait on him or he wouldn't eat"?

Do you take food/drink to his room. Does he put his washing in the appropriate place or do you have to hunt for it?

Is he still at school/sixth form college or does he have a job?

Does your household effectively revolve around your ds and what impact does his behaviour have on your dd?

OP, I want to echo what some PP have said that there may be no "reason" for your DS's depression. In all likelihood it's not your fault, or your ExP's fault; it just is what it is. Depression can happen to people with the loveliest family backgrounds. People with little experience of this will very often want to say "well, of course X's child got depressed because of Y". This is probably partly because it makes them feel safer, and allows them to feel that the world is a predictable and controllable place, and that things like depression are avoidable.

Supporting a child with a mental illness can be one of the most intense and harrowing experiences a mother can have. I have no particular advice, except perhaps to try to take one minute at a time, but want to send hugs to you. All the best to you and your DS.

rackofpeas and springydaffs have said what I wanted to express much better than I can.

Also, when I said "in all likelihood it's not your fault", really I meant simply "it's not your fault". Something as complicated as depression can't really be boiled down to causative factors like that, and even if others' actions have influenced it, it can't be called "fault" when you have done your best, as you clearly have.