ok imnot the perfect wife but put that aside for now girls...

[nailpolish]

dh is having a really crap time just now

his work are cutting jobs - redundancies, shuffling, salary slashing, etc

dh has been interviewed for his own job, and he wont know the outcome til after xmas

so xmas is going to be a small affair this year "just in case" dh says

dh's mum died 2 yrs ago of cancer, shortly after that we found out his dad has non hodgkins, he has had chemo but was told yesterday its not working, he has to start a v aggressive from next week

nightimes, i have dh tossing and turning next to me, his bp is raised, headaches, stress induced backache/shoulderache, grumpy, snappy

he is just v worried and i want to help

ideas please

TA

x

Oh sorry you are having such a tough time

Could you get out for a meal together?

we are going to a wedding on saturday and i know dh will enjoy that, he loves weddings, seeing people you dont see often

but on the flip side, he is worried about how much its all costing!

ie outfits for all 4 of us

booze

taxis

etc

gosh that's tricky

you are just going to have to make him talk, I think and give him whatever he needs to relax - with my dh it is time at the gym and space for himself - which means me taking the girls off his hands at the weekend (which I absolutely HATE doing, but needs must)

You are going to have to probe and find out what will help him the most

Sorry to hear this - what a bloody awful thing to happen so close to Christmas.

The only thing I could suggest would be to see if there is any way he can try and take charge of his own situation - for example, work out what skills he has and what his contingency plan would be if he is made redundant. Would he have a decent enough payment to give him time to retrain in anything else? What would he like to do if it was totally up to him?

Sometimes just thinking and planning like this can give you more of a sense of purpose and then you don't feel quite so helpless.

why not pack the baby off to bed
give him a nice homecooked meal by candlelight

then a lovely back and shoulder massage for him

hope everything works out well for him
good luck
xxx

what he says

if he was made redundant it would possibly be a good thing cos hes not that happy at work, but the money is good so thats why he is still there

there wont be a pay out (unfortunately) but instead 3 years to go (ie not actually redundant until 2009)

if i could get more hours at my job he would be less stressed about paying the bill (i have started the ball rolling with that one)

i have no idea how to help him re his dad

i suggest leaving the kids and going out for a meal.

(do you really need to buy anything new for a wedding? I never do)

he loves backrubs doormat

I think the alst two posts are both right. Sit down with him and do a contingency plan- make up CV's so you can send them out should anything come up now, do financial planners etc. THEN make him a nice meal, run him a bath etc- kind of an 'alright so we've done all we can, now let's have a life too' gesture.

Sorry it's happened at Christmas but with planning a little CAN go a longer way than you thikn, and sometimes that makes it more memorable too.

no we havent really MP, just shoes for the girls and me

RE his Dad- try giving macmillan cancer care a call on their info line and ask them to give you ALL the info they ahev on non hodgkins and treatments, and also if there are any relatives support groups. I sued to work for Macmillan (in a Non angelic capacity, I hasten to add, not a nurse or anything- fundraiser) and thy are fab. I will pop off to fetch you a link.

Dh is going through a rough time at work.

He spends quite a lot of time in the garage - it is his sanctuary. He potters around and takes out a bit of frustration with some tools. He also finds making stuff quite therapeutic.

He does like spending time with the family too, but I make sure it's planned and preferably energetic. That keeps the children sweet-tempered, gives dh a bit of a physical release, and means the children are ready for bed early in the evening.

Bike rides are top of our list, as dh is much better at cycling than me and can preen a bit while I am walking my bike up the hills.

there you go

i wish i could get some more hours sorted at my work then he wouldnt feel so pressured to be the ultimate breadwinner iyswim

dont think imho he needs the added stress of looking for work at this exact moment

he just needs his mind taken off it for a few days

have a good time this weekend

and discuss over a backrub
how next week you will both be tackling the issue

as reassuring him that you love him no matter what happens
xxx

THANKS peachy clair

dh's mum had a mcmillan nurse

dh's sanctuary is the golf course - v good for him every weekend

I have two ideas, firstly so far as his sleep etc is concerned, maybe you should buy him a relaxation/meditation tape, get him to have a warm bath with lavender, shag him off to sleep if all else fails .
My dh meditates every night for an hour and sleeps like a baby, and his is a megastressful job, but it does take a long time to learn to meditate.
As far as his dad goes, could he come to you for Christmas so if the worst happens and it's his last Christmas, you can make it a really special one.
The other thing is just not to get upset if he gets snappy with you. Don't retaliate, he really needs you to be there with him and remember this is just a phase and it won't last forever, so give him a bit of slack (sorry if that sounds preachy, hopefully you know what I mean.)
Good luck.

if he's tossing nd turning at night I do recommend herbal sleeping tablets - I'm not particularly into herbal stuff - on the whol am a bit doubtful - but they do help. doesn't address problems but sleepis pretty importatn. also fresh air every day is good for sleep

So sorry to hear all this. When my fil died DH had a terrible time - and that was without all the other crap that you've got going on. No advice. Just sympathy. You sound like a lovely supportive wfe BTW.

as for xmas - typically, FIL is going to dh's brother and we havent been invited (sigh)

dh and his bro dont really get on

FIL doesnt know what to do, dh has just told his dad to go there and we will see him boxing day

"might be his last xmas" is what dh is thinking too (i guess)

money is a total bastard isnt it

can you not have a chat with sil and explain the situ
that family should be all together this year iykwim and put all differences aside

Christmas is a twelve day experience: have a small celebration on the 25th, then when FIL is not too tired and able to come, save your biggest celebration until then?

no i dont get involved, doormat

not worth it, just makes dh angry

my dad has booked a xmas day meal and he is paying, there a big load of my family going and dh will enjoy that

his dad was invited but he was torn