hmm not sure how to handle this one.

[mum2477]

have had a situation and cant go to family or friends for advise in case I worry them, but want to get another opinion if anyone feels like sharing theirs?

Anyway here goes...I have recently taken up a water sport initially to support my husbands business (water sports) whilst one of his coaches was away. Found I really enjoyed it and the kids did too, plus we got to spend some time with my husband who normally works 7 days a week. So I have continued to support even thought the coach has returned as initially it has had a very positive affect on my relationship with my husband and on the family in general.

However recently he has been under pressure and is turning to me for more involvement & support which is fine, but I also have a full time job as well as running the home so its starting to become alot for me to handle! We were out last night on the river and the weather was terrible & suffice to say I was completely soaked after the session! (my husband had been in it all day too). He was complaining about one of his employees to me on the drive home and I made a reference that perhaps his tone was not helping the situation and he should try being less critical of everyone and perhaps try a different tactic. he didn't take that well and I made a reference that he should stop biting my head off and appreciate my involvement was initially to support him and he should appreciate that. He then totally lost it put his foot down on the accelerator whilst punching the steering wheel, we nearly hit another car and he stopped at the side of the road and then at the top of his voice shouted at me in the side of my face that it hurt my ear...I was very frightened, he then started to accelerate again and was only stopped at a red light, I then told him to let me out of the car, he opened the door and told me not to leave my bag. I took it, started crying hysterically and walked off in the direction of home whilst he sped on. It was raining and I was still wet from the session on the river so I was hoping he would realize and calm down and come to pick me up and take me home....he didn't so in my flip flops I walked the 45 minutes in the rain to get home. On the way I called my Au pair to ask her to make sure the kids were in bed and that i would be late and he would probably arrive home before me. I finally got home after walking very cold and disappointed that he didn't come for me.
had a warm shower a glass of wine and went to bed. he later arrived at whatever time I don't know and I woke up with him in the bed in the morning. after taking the kids to school I worked from home and it is now nearly 1pm and he has not said anything about last night and shown no sign of apology......I don't know what to think, i have heard him on the Phone to another coach asking how they are as they have a back injury, yet he doesn't care to address what I think a serious incident between us! I don't know how to handle this or what to do. Sorry for the rant but at least I can write it down and put it out there!

I think it sounds like he's under a lot of stress and hence the 'totally losing it.' Not that that is an excuse.

I suppose his reaction depends on what he is usually like in an argument? Does he usually apologise? Was it out of character for him to get that cross?

Seven days a week working doesn't sound healthy.

You say you hold down a full time job as well as running the home and now you're supporting him with his business.

Something's got to give. If he had lost control of the car while losing the plot who knows ow many others could have been injured.

Looking back are you able to pinpoint when he started devoting so much of himself to his work?

I will be honest with you here, his behaviour towards you in the car and throwing you out sounds vile!

Is this a total one off and otherwise he's lovely? If not I would seriously consider leaving the relationship as what he did was abusive

Yes he is under a lot of pressure. it is his own business so he has been flat out with is for the last couple of years. But he totally lives what he does, so honestly I don't think he would have it any other way.

I agree, if he lost control behind the wheel the results could have been terrible. thankfully that was not the result but this cant happen again

I think we have to find a solution that reduces the stress and stops this happening again...or recognizing the stress levels are reaching critical and making sure we are in a environment which is safe for us and others.

"We" don't have to find a solution. HE does.

He has become very angry in the past although in the last year it has been less than before and generally the relationship I have felt has improved....but with the years my ability to cope with the emotion is becoming less and i feel I am getting nearer to giving up.

He is not regularly this angry, but he has lost his temper a few times before. but I have not felt this scared before ....genuinely felt like he could only see red and I had to get away from him quickly as he did not seem to be able to manage himself. Normally he is a good husband as well as a great and attentive father. So although not a one off I am concerned its not the last time if I cannot convince him it achieves nothing and get him to recognize and address the real issues.

Sorry guys, feel this is getting a bit intense for a mums chat forum....just needed to communicate with someone as was feeling very low and isolated. think I am starting to freak myself out a bit....guess I was hoping for someone to empathize so I feel a bit more normal about it all.

I definitely empathize. How shocked and scared you must feel. How confused that the man you love would behave so aggressively, shouting and swearing and driving aggressively, so cruelly, leaving you to walk home in the rain, and so callously, ignoring how you are feeling now and sweeping it all under the carpet, as if he has nothing to acknowledge.

You should listen to your feelings of fear very attentively: they are telling you something important.

Did you know that aggressive driving is a classic marker of an emotional abuser? It is designed to intimidate you. Along with his shouting, swearing, temper that you somehow must manage, and cruel behaviour...

You deserve kindness and respect in a relationship, OP. Kindness, and respect, are the baseline requirements.

You say you feel very low and isolated. Do you have a good, trusted RL friend you could reach out to? Someone who has your best interests at heart?

How is the buisness doing financially?

It's one thing loving your hobby but when it is also your job and AND your buisness it can be increasingly stressful and push you to breaking point, especially if he is doing it 7 days a week Is he getting a lot of new and repeat customers.

I'm asking this because I have the nicest DH alive but about 10 years ago his buisness was seriously struggling and everything changed. I was wiling on egg shells and daren't speak. He broke down in tears and was diagnosed with depression. Cut a long story short the buisness went under, we struggled for. Bit and he got a lucky break. My Lovely DH returned from the fog.

Yes I have thought of someone I can contact who can be straight with me and I believe she can give me some good advise. Its funny how when you are really stressed you cant think of anyone to talk too and then start to think a little clearer.

Glad you have some real life support.

If my dh left me walk, sobbing, alone for 45 minutes in the rain, I would be incandescent with anger. His aggressive driving was awful. his leaving you walk home was awful. His not waiting up to apologise was awful.

I'd be tempted to leave for a couple of days - tell him after his outrageous and unacceptable behaviour last night you need some time to take advice and decide on the best way forward for you and your children.

If he does not have any consequences for this kind of awful treatment of you, why would he treat you any better in the future?

I don't care how stressed he is, how depressed he is, how the business is doing financially. You don't take it out by being abusive to the person who you are supposed to love most (and who is doing most to support you)

Oh and I wouldn't be giving him any more free labour no matter how you resolve it.

I'm glad to hear it. Opening up to good friends can be a life-saver.

You really had a horrible and shocking experience, on top of years of walking on an emotional volcano. I'm sorry you're going through this.

Thanks whathaveilost, the business is doing very well, but rely's heavily on my husband and increasingly he seems to not be able to delegate...I believe he needs to learn to let go of some responsibilities and allow others to manage in their way. my only worry is that he is so stubborn and strong willed he will leave it till breaking point to realize! some attributes can be as much a curse as a asset it seems.

The times when the stress is not as much we have a great time together and I can see the potential for a loving and happy family underneath it all.

The way he behaved in the car is terrifying.

The whole incident is awful, but this man is a dangerous maniac and should not be behind the wheel of a car.

No amount of stress excuses "losing it" and using your car as a weapon, which is what he did.

I would be seeking legal advice about getting him out of my house, because I would now be terrified of what he is clearly capable of.

thanks to you all. your advise and support has helped today be a little more bearable and I have felt in caring company of sorts. topmost and finally I have two beautiful children who I cherish more than anything and they are up most on the list of priorities and whatever decision I finally make will have a direct impact on them so it is my responsibility to make the best one for myself and them.

I don't care how stressed he is, how depressed he is, how the business is doing financially. You don't take it out by being abusive to the person who you are supposed to love most (and who is doing most to support you)

Oh and I wouldn't be giving him any more free labour no matter how you resolve it

Clearly you have never been so close to the edge you have almost been suicidal. I find your post self righteous and hugely unhelpful.

If this was a normal patten of behaviour I would have Said run like the wind but clearly something is terribly wrong. You don't care how depressed he is? ( he may not be, it was a field to explore) you have no basic understanding of mental health issues at all do you?

NB. No suggestion that OP has it was in relation to questions being asked.

OP, if money and customers and the general well being of the company is not an issue then you are going to need to talk sense to him.i bet he can't see the wood for the trees if he is working that hard and maybe you distance yourself from the company a bit as well.

Don't let your children in the car with him.

Have you asked him to apologise, and to mean it? Have you asked him to articulate his stress, and to empathise with your feelings about what he put you through? I would.otherwise you'll never really move on, I don't think.

If you are scared of doing this, it's doomed anyway.

Really sorry this happened to you btw.

I think you two need to speak about what happened - he should have no choice in that. I would send him a message saying that at X o'clock tonight you want to talk to him. First, see how he reacts to that.

Then I think you should tell him that his behaviour was absolutely unacceptable and that you are seriously thinking of divorcing him. He's clearly under too much stress and that's affecting your marriage at a fundamental level. If he doesn't delegate some of the work so that there's a better work-life balance, then he should be looking at living elsewhere.

Oh and without an apology - a really heartfelt and sincere apology - I would be on my way to the solicitor, regardless of delegation.

You're in shock at the moment but I also think you should contact him before he comes home today and tell,him his behaviour last night was unacceptable and he needs to apologise before needing to talk about the very great problem you have
Good luck

whathaveilost, apart from the fact that you have no f-ing idea how close to an edge I may have been in my life, where did the OP say her husband was suicidal or even diagnosed with clinical depression?? If someone posts on here that their husband is suicidal and has suddenly been abusive I might have posted differently. That is not what is posted. I am amazed at how quick people are to find an excuse for the man frightening his wife and putting her in danger in the car (saying nothing of the utter shit of letting her walk home in the rain while crying)

People deal with business problems and frustration every day of the week. Every day here women post about the enormous stress they are under trying to feed their children. They don't behave like he did and I don't see why the OP should be encouraged to excuse his behaviour which was appalling. It is in neither of their interests to do so.

Calm down sweetheart, I was exploring possibilities having watched someone melt in front of me over his own buisness and at one point struggled to know what day of the week it was.

Everyone is quick with the LTB type comments when the reality ain't that simple.

I hesitate to mention this as I do not want to absolve him for responsibility for his actions but my DH went a bit like this for 3 months; no obvious work stress but out of control anger, shouting etc. not completely out of character but an obvious gear shift to making it intolerable. He realised something was wrong himself and went to the GP.

He was diagnosed with early stage diabetes. He has addressed this purely through diet and is like a different man. He said that while he was in the fog he found it very hard to control his temper but had scared himself by his actions a couple of times.

Perhaps worth looking into.

I think that is good adviceBo
Once DH went to the doctors and everything poured out things got so much easier. I went with him and it was horrible to see this huge cuddly bloke that I loved but no longer recognise break down in tears. We were both crying and listening to him explain how much he loved me but was frightened of losing me because of how erratic his behaviour had become stopped me in my tracks. The doctor was brilliant. This was 12 years ago and once we got over the hiccup and life got back on track again everything has been great since.

I wish you and your family well OP x

Stress or no stress he treated you with contempt. It's not acceptable under any guise to be so abusive. If he can't hack the pace tell him to buy in help. I don't understand how men seem to think it's acceptable to take out their angst on their partners. Don't let him get away with this and make sure he loses arse to make it right. Personally it would be too much for me and I'd want a divorce