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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

how do I boost my self esteem? fed up

34 replies

lonelymillie · 15/05/2015 12:09

I was a shy child, bullied a fair bit about my weight etc and have always been a quiet person. I never had a boyfriend as a teenager. I'm now 25.

I have been having an affair for 4 years. not nice. he's the one with the girlfriend, I'm single. he finished it about 3 times but we always ended up back together because I'm too weak to say no. it has now ended properly and I'm heartbroken. I can't imagine ever meeting anyone like him again and I loved him so much despite the situation. he did say he was going to leave her for me not so long ago but now he says it's because he cares for me so much that it's best we leave it. I'm devastated even thought people on here will have no sympathy which I don't ask for.

prior to this I met a guy who was lovely from the start off. a close family friend too. he made it clear we would end up into a couple and we slept together etc. he then ditched me without no explanation and this has shook me too.

what is wrong with me? guys are never interested. I am more confident now. I have lost weight, I aren't a bad looking girl (without sounding a bit blah) but I honestly don't know what it is about me. I am too soft, hence the situation I've found myself in and I think I need to learn to love myself a bit more and have more respect.

I work full time. I take an interest in sports and exercise. I go out at weekends. I just don't know what to do.

OP posts:
beyours867 · 15/05/2015 13:04

I feel the exact same way to you. I'm 26.

I would also like advice please Mumsnetters!

Original poster
lonelymillie · 15/05/2015 13:55

I've pinned all my hopes on one man, knowing full well the situation and I honestly feel so low at breaking point I can't see myself ever having a happy future again :(

OP posts:
beyours867 · 15/05/2015 14:09

You will have a happy future - you're only 25!

You will meet someone else, and won't be second best. That will be far more beneficial to your self-esteem that seeing a man who has a girlfriend. You should come first.

Stay happy..this time next year things could be very different for you!!!

HelenF350 · 15/05/2015 14:11

Try reading intimate connections by David Burns, helped my confidence no end. If you have a tablet or smartphone you can read it for free in an app called scribd.

mommyof23kids · 15/05/2015 14:18

Self esteem is built up tiny step by tiny step. Do one small thing every day that makes you feel proud of yourself. Smile at a stranger, pay a bill before its due date, brush and floss twice a day, pick up someone else's rubbish and put it in the bin. Anything like that. They seem like such stupid insignificant things but self esteem is not built by grand gestures it grows slowly with small positive actions.
And stay away from any situation that will harm your self worth. Run, run like the citizens of Tokyo fleeing Godzilla from any situation or person until you are strong enough to handle them.

Zillie77 · 15/05/2015 14:25

I don't know what it is about the early-to-mid twenties, but I had a series of ridiculous and humiliating relationships at that age. Lots of my friends did, too. It was such a roller coaster that I almost didn't recognize that I had met a keeper when I met my husband at age 27. We have been married 19 years now.

Keep on meeting people, and as you develop and grow as a person, you will find that things improve in the romance department. Keep your standards high!

Original poster
lonelymillie · 15/05/2015 16:23

but where do you meet people? I never have anyone interested in me. I know I need to be happy by myself, but when you get hurt (I'm aware I put myself in this situation) it is so hard to bounce back from. he is all I've known for 4 years. I feel like he has died. I've lost my mum and I can honestly say the pain I felt then is similar to how I feel now in the sense I will never speak to him again when he once made me so happy. this will sound outrageous to some.

my life just feels over.

people say you need to be happy with yourself but I'm not. I've even taken the day off work today as I feel so shit :(

OP posts:
Zillie77 · 15/05/2015 17:53

You are still quite fresh from the breakup? So your perspective is going to change after a little bit of time. Right now you are looking at the world from a place of grief and loss. Give it some time. I found that a female I met at the age of 24 was very helpful for me. We spent quite a bit of time together hanging out and talking and it was very unintentionally therapeutic. So maybe focus on getting a few nice, non-competitive female friends and see if that boosts your self-esteem a bit.

Original poster
lonelymillie · 15/05/2015 19:09

the majority of my friends are in relationships, and that's another aspect of my life I aren't too happy with as I don't have many friends with similar interests e.g. music and I don't know how to meet new people at my age.

the breakup was today and he hasn't bothered to respond to yhe last text I send :(

I haven't eaten all day I cannot stop crying

OP posts:
Original poster
lonelymillie · 15/05/2015 22:20

I've thrown up :( he will be at home with her and not even thinking about me I doubt

OP posts:
HelloMyNameIsMrsBloom · 15/05/2015 22:29

Sorry to hear you're feeling crappy lonelymillie Flowers

How about trying a martial arts group? That might be good for confidence AND meeting guys?

Sickoffrozen · 15/05/2015 22:29

Your title is misleading.

It should read "how do I get over my broken heart" because effectively that's what you are feeling at the moment.

There is no point anyone coming on here and telling you how to build up your self esteem, because for now, that's not the issue.

Regardless of the fact that he had a girlfriend, you thought he was for you and so it hurts just as much as any relationship break up does.

Take some time to come to terms with it, cry a bit, then day by day and week by week, it gets better.

It's then that you need to come back on here and ask about how to build your self esteem.

Don't text him anymore. In fact delete his number. That can be your first step on the healing process!

Take care Flowers

Original poster
lonelymillie · 16/05/2015 08:11

I haven't eaten in over 24 hours I don't think I'll ever get over him. he's been a massive part of my last 4 years and I should have prepared myself for this as it was inevitable. I hate the fact his life can go back to normal but mine is ruined.

hello I am joining a running club and do quite a few activities at the gym. I don't think martial arts would be my thing, I'm soft lol

OP posts:
Twattergy · 16/05/2015 09:21

Your life is not ruined. You made a bad choice and now you are feeling pain. But you should see this as the start of a new life where you make choices that will serve you better, e.g. only dating available men, working on your self esteem. I'd recommend counselling to help you build your self worth and help you get over this break up.

Original poster
lonelymillie · 16/05/2015 19:02

thank you, I have been tempted to txt so many times but have held back

OP posts:
toffeeboffin · 16/05/2015 21:30

You need to love yourself first.

Work on building your self confidence, make a list of what you are good at. It can be seemingly insignificant stuff, but I bet there is someone who can't do it. Listen to up beat music that makes you feel good.

Exercise and eat well. Food is medicine. If you look good, you feel good, and then everything improves.

Concentrate on you, and no one else. Then the offers from guys will flood in!

hereandtherex · 16/05/2015 21:33

Avoid relationships for a bit.

Think of something you want to do.
It does not have to be a biggy - learn to drive, go on holiday by yourself etc. Just something to get you out of your rut.

Do it.

Your confidence will climb that bit higher.

You have to work on the shyness - As Morssiey said, the world does not come to your bedroom. You just need to get yourself some space to get out and move around.

hereandtherex · 16/05/2015 21:34

At worse, you've been a bit of a tit. The war crime trinual in the Hague is ot really interested in you.

Seriously go on an adventure. Force yourself out there - not bars or aything - just going to a different town and mouchign around will do it.

FlabulousChix · 16/05/2015 21:38

Why do you need to be with someone? What's wrong with being your own person alone! When you can be on your own and not be lonely that's the time to explore relationships as it's not out of a need to be wanted but rather a wanting to share yourself with others.

Original poster
lonelymillie · 17/05/2015 11:58

I feel as though because I'm 25, another few years of being single will only mean I will struggle to meet anyone afterwards too. the majority of people I know already are in relationships, fast forward a few years and even more people will be and I won't :(

I have written so many txts out today to send him. will I be making a massive mistake to send? I want him to know how upset I am, as he can just continue as normal, but if he ignored and blocked me I'd feel even worse :(

OP posts:
SoleSource · 17/05/2015 13:47

Can you afford private therapy? X

ocelot7 · 17/05/2015 14:36

DO NOT send any more texts - mainly because you will feel so cross with yourself later. I well know that urge to tell them how upset you are but he has already moved on & be completely unmoved by however many messages you send...
It's a completely normal to feel this way after a breakup - hardly grounds for therapy...You will get over this :)
You are so young :) & many of the friends in relationships now will not be for ever. Do try to appreciate being free & single in yr 20s - make use of it before you have e.g. children & are not quite so free

hereandtherex · 17/05/2015 14:43

Stop sending him texts. Do a hard stop break.

Don;t waste money on therapy. Just go out and something -anything!

Original poster
lonelymillie · 17/05/2015 15:19

i just want to speak to him or receive a txt off him one more time. it's killing me. all I've eaten since Thursday is a slice of toast, everything is making me feel sick. I look so drained. yet I know he will be out enjoying his weekend like nothing has ever changed and I want him to know how much this has effected me :(

I have forced myself to get out this weekend and have been shopping and running. my sister in law doesn't know the situation but has advised me to perhaps take up a weekend job to meet new people

OP posts:
ocelot7 · 17/05/2015 15:36

Millie please stop punishing yourself - he will not notice your suffering & it will just make you feel worse.
We have all been through this - your situation is not unique - we have all thought some guy was the one & just needed to realise it himself. Experience says he isn't & he won't!! So stop mooning & focus on getting yr mono back :(
Running (not on an empty stomach though :( ) or any sort of exercise is excellent & lifts yr mood - especially when combined with fresh air &/or company
Try to eat little & often - almost anything to get yr appetite back & from then on healthy stuff.
Distract distract distract!! :)

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