Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriends wants to move in but....

32 replies

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 15/05/2015 09:57

I met my boyfriend in a dating site about a year ago. I am divorced and he told me he had split from his wife half a year before we met. (There is nothing to indicate that wasn't the case. Since I met him, I see him almost everyday and when I don't we spend hours in Skype).

My divorce process was very long and traumatic, and I think that much of the problem with it was how exh's new partner intervened in the decisions exh and I were expected to take ( ie. ExH demanding that I should discuss any issue related to DS with his girlfriend as he didn't want to talk to me, or the girlfriend deciding that the house I live in should be sold because I would "be able" to get a council house). Anyhow, considering this, the last thing I wanted to do was to influence any decissions my boyfriend and his ex wife are taking during their own divorce process. So I have stayed well out of it.

A few weeks ago he asked me about moving together, knowing that no decree absolute is in place, I asked him whether he had thought about the implications of it, to my surprise he said that:

  • He has not applied for a decree nissi and he doesn't want to apply until 2 years have passed since he moved out.
  • he let it slip in the conversation that he moved out just 6 weeks before we met. Which means he lied and that he doesn't plan to start the process for almost a year, in fact, he has not seek any legal advice and from what he tells me, I can see he has a very naive appreciation on how complicated a divorce process could be.
  • I asked him what did he think would happen in the divorce process and negotiations if the ex wife knew he had moved in. He said "no problem, I would just move out".

I said that if he is wanting to move in, thinking that he can move out at his convenience, it would be better not to move in together yet.

Considering my divorce took YEARS to get through, I really don't know if I am prepared to wait 2-4 years until he gets his decree absolute (for the simple reason that divorces are quite damaging, how do I know he will want to have a relationship at all after the hell such process is?).

I have made it clear it saddens me that he is not even wanting to start apply for a decree nissi after a year of being together. He insists that we are having a lot of fun and spending a lot of time together so this shouldn't make any difference, but agreed he would start conversations with his ex to start moving things forward, but he hasn't.

I feel he is just taking the mickey, so I have not been a happy bunny over the last few weeks, and as a result, he know says that I have changed and under these circumstances he is not sure whether he should start the process.

I need to end this relationship, right?

OP posts:
Aussiebean · 15/05/2015 10:05

Yep. Tell him to come back when he has sorted out his life and can show you the divorce papers.

To be honest , from what you said, you sound like you are convenient for him. A place ready for him to
Move into, all set up and no hassle for him.

It doesn't sound like he wants to
Move in with you because he loves you and is excited about your future together.

LineRunner · 15/05/2015 10:05

I think you do, yes.

Sorry he turned out to be a bit of a user.

Norest · 15/05/2015 10:14

He is not sure whether he should start the divorce process because YOU have changed in the last few weeks?

Yes, I think you are right and it needs to end. Sorry.

Anniegetyourgun · 15/05/2015 10:14

Gosh, he doesn't seem to be very up for the responsibility of sharing a household, does he? I wonder if one of your new duties as landlady, housekeeper and shag was going to include managing his divorce paperwork for him and subsidising the cost?

(I wouldn't necessarily conclude he was lying about how long they had split up - I count my separation from XH as starting about two years before we moved out, in fact we were still sharing a house for nearly four months after the decree absolute. But that's by the by.)

Allofaflumble · 15/05/2015 10:34

Been through something similar. Don't waste your time. He's not strong enough for you to be equals. Just hassle all the way

loveareadingthanks · 15/05/2015 10:44

hmmm...I don't know.

Your divorce may have been traumatic but it isn't necessarily like that at all. Mine wasn't, it was all perfectly amicable.

He may not be lying about the split - maybe they separated but continued living in same house for a few months. I stayed in my ex's house for a year but we were well and truly over and lived completely separate lives as if it were any other house share. If people asked me when we split it was when we stopped being in a relationship, not when I moved out.

SolidGoldBrass · 15/05/2015 10:46

Has he said anything about how finances will work if he moves in with you? Will he, for example, be paying you rent, contributing to the mortgage, sharing bills? If he hasn't even mentioned it, then he's planning on getting his feet under your table and quite possibly keeping his wife on the back burner so he can get fed, indulged, serviced in every way and run between the two of you to make sure he is never at a loss for a meal or a shag or some ego stroking.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 15/05/2015 11:33

I would be cautious with someone who is conspicuously 'having fun' yet in no hurry to make official the split from his wife, especially when he tripped himself up on the subject of when he'd moved out. He is now hinting that your reactions are causing him second thoughts, to keep you in line.

If you have DS living with you I am sure you don't want his life disrupted.

I think you should give this man a wide berth for now.

NeverSayNoToPanda · 15/05/2015 11:47

His divorce may not take so long, but I'm not sure that matters. He's lied about it
Does he have DC? What age are they?

Justusemyname · 15/05/2015 11:50

His not wanting to divorce now you've gone cold needs explaining.

I'd get rid.

foraret · 15/05/2015 11:55

wow. That is all very draining. I wouldn't want to continue in your shoes. I feel for you that your xh's new gf pushed to have your home sold from under you because you'd qualify for a council house. What a load of aggro you've had. Recover from it. Treat yourself. Do nice things that suit you.

Brew
Momagain1 · 15/05/2015 11:59

Even if his divorce was proceeding along the schedule he first implied, I still think you should live alone for a while. Get your life organised to suit you, 'find yourself' (urk, terrible phrase, but really, something wworth doing after a divorce) dont immediately return to accomodating another adult. Nobody moves in unless it was your idea first.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 15/05/2015 12:13

He is playing you. Call his bluff. If he isn't sure he wants to continue with you, then answer the circumstance for him...You certainly wouldn't want to force someone to be in a relationship with you "if they aren't sure".

This is all about what he wants. The casual fun relationship. Nothing serious....means nothing personal. (And don't make the mistake of equating sex with being full of emotional closeness...with this guy, it is becoming clear that it is not.) You have found his boundary.

It is a very good thing (great boundary of your own) to say get the finalized divorce before he moves in...if you want to continue with him at all. You appear to be his rebound.

Original poster
NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 15/05/2015 13:55

I really appreciate your responses, they have been very helpful, sometimes I wonder if I am too wary due to the effects of my own divorce (once burned and all that...)

To clarify:

  • we are both around 50
  • I have been divorced for almost 10 years and I'm pretty settled in my life, no recent turmoils, or anything of the sort, I found myself (and my feet) many years ago. However...
  • I am, after all these years, very independent, I find it difficult to accept someone paying for me so, we go halves on everything despite of his insistence to pay more (he earns far more than me)
  • he only wanted to move in while he gets his divorce sorted, he want us to get a bigger house together. I don't want to move because Ww don't need a bigger house, I love my house, my neighbours (now long term friends), the location and the life that comes with it. And... I can't sell my house (selfish, I know), at the end of the day I had to fight for years to be able to buy my exH out, so I find the possibility, of finding myself in the same battle in the future, absolutely terrifying.
  • I am not servicing him Grin, he can cook, do his washing up and make himself useful when he is around. If he is around, sometimes I cook for him, sometimes he cooks for me (when he does he shows up with a bag of groceries in hand) so I don't think I would be getting a cocklodger.
  • WRT his exW, she is also a high earner, in fact, she iearns a bit more than him, which makes me think she wouldn't have any problem to buy his share of the house they shared or to get a new house BUT... I suppose she is as attached to their house as I am to mine, so I really don't think he should ask for their house to be sold. But, as I mentioned, that is not for me to decide.
  • He has an adult son.

Probably none of the above makes any difference. I feel I need to end it, but I don't want to look back in a few years and think "if only I had waited for him..."

OP posts:
Original poster
NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 15/05/2015 14:04

PS. He gets on wonderfully with my DS, he is very thoughtful and considerate of DS' needs and likes (he has raised one himself so is pretty understanding) but think that when it comes to discipline, he needs to take a step back abd let me deal with it.

Damn... i really don't know if I am letting go a guy who is really good. Sad

OP posts:
DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 15/05/2015 14:08

He wants to do things at his pace but is facing big changes meanwhile you are way further on in the process and perfectly comfortable where you are. I still say take a step back.

Original poster
NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 15/05/2015 14:15

That didn't came right, he thinks that when It comes to DS' discipline, he needs to take a step back and let me deal with it.

Donkeys, that's an interesting thought... Like I am ready to settle down and he doesn't? If so, I have wondered a lot about that... But then he is the one spending so much time in rightmove.com so... I don't know what to think...

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 15/05/2015 14:18

He's a married man until he is divorced. I would not be comfortable about living with, or even dating and mm. Are you?

GoatsDoRoam · 15/05/2015 14:28
  • He lied to you about how long he'd been separated when you met.
  • He lied to you (or strongly implied) about getting a decree nisi.
  • He wants to move in with you because it's convenient, and because you "have fun" - not because he feels committed to a future with you.
  • Now that you're annoyed at his dishonesty, he's punishing you by making it your fault that he's not applying for a proper divorce.
  • He is in fact using you as a convenient excuse for the fact that he is not doing something that he clearly never had any intention of doing.

Yes, you do need to end this relationship.

Independence is a GOOD thing and bloody great achievement on your part, btw.

Original poster
NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 15/05/2015 14:29

Welll, as a couple of people mentioned above, I really think a relationship ends and you decide there is no going back, not when the divorce process is completed.

My exH's girlfriend was living with him for years before our divorce came through. My exh and I were living apart by the time she appeared, so I wouldn't think she was the OW or judge her for dating a "married" man. Neither would I judge myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 15/05/2015 14:48

Goats, it is those two points where the crux of the problem is:

"- He wants to move in with you because it's convenient, and because you "have fun" - not because he feels committed to a future with you.

  • Now that you're annoyed at his dishonesty, he's punishing you by making it your fault that he's not applying for a proper divorce."

He insists however that he wants a future with me, but as he knows that you can't apply for a divorce on the grouds of mutual agreement until 2 years have elapsed (just in case you changed your mind), and he doesn' want to make up any misbahaviour on his part or his ex's to allow him to apply earlier on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour.

He is trying not to cause animosity with his ex wife but... That means I'm on the backburner for the time being. Should I be more accepting of that? (Just writing the above I feel it is selfish of me to press for an earlier application).

OP posts:
GoatsDoRoam · 15/05/2015 16:51

I agree with you that waiting 2 years before applying for a decree nisi can sound reasonable enough, if both spouses agree that there is no fault.

However, lying to you is not. I would even call it a dealbreaker. How do you feel about being lied to by a partner?
And huffily making it your fault that he's not filing for divorce, now? Sign of someone who is not partner material, frankly.

Original poster
NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 15/05/2015 20:45

Hi again, I think that as painful as it is, I need to let him go.

I cannot tell him to come back when he gets the divorce sorted, as that would take a good few years but, it really diesn't make sense that he doesn't want to even start it now that

OP posts:
Original poster
NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 15/05/2015 20:58

... He knows I might not be there for him at the end if it.

I love him, but I can't do "just for fun" relationships. So I suppose that's it, then Sad

OP posts:
YazooAddict · 16/05/2015 12:11

I'd go against the majority here. He wants to move in with you and sees a long term future together. If you spend most of your time together or on Skype, then it seem like a logical thing to do.

However, he's also trying to balance his divorce - to keep it as amicable as possible and wait until it's able to be concluded as no fault.

I'm not sure why you'd need to end the relationship. Why not agree that you cannot easily live together until he has concluded his divorce? He then needs to decide when he wants to do that, and his priorities.

In that was something you were prepared to do, you really need to talk about where you'd live too. If you'd not be prepared to move from the house you previously shared with your husband, then he needs to know that.

Personally, I'd want a new start in a new place on equal terms to try to new future without any reminders of the past or an immediate imbalance caused by the situation with moving into somebody else's home.