Boyfriends wants to move in but....

[NotSureThisIsWhatIWant]

I met my boyfriend in a dating site about a year ago. I am divorced and he told me he had split from his wife half a year before we met. (There is nothing to indicate that wasn't the case. Since I met him, I see him almost everyday and when I don't we spend hours in Skype).

My divorce process was very long and traumatic, and I think that much of the problem with it was how exh's new partner intervened in the decisions exh and I were expected to take ( ie. ExH demanding that I should discuss any issue related to DS with his girlfriend as he didn't want to talk to me, or the girlfriend deciding that the house I live in should be sold because I would "be able" to get a council house). Anyhow, considering this, the last thing I wanted to do was to influence any decissions my boyfriend and his ex wife are taking during their own divorce process. So I have stayed well out of it.

A few weeks ago he asked me about moving together, knowing that no decree absolute is in place, I asked him whether he had thought about the implications of it, to my surprise he said that:

• He has not applied for a decree nissi and he doesn't want to apply until 2 years have passed since he moved out.
• he let it slip in the conversation that he moved out just 6 weeks before we met. Which means he lied and that he doesn't plan to start the process for almost a year, in fact, he has not seek any legal advice and from what he tells me, I can see he has a very naive appreciation on how complicated a divorce process could be.
• I asked him what did he think would happen in the divorce process and negotiations if the ex wife knew he had moved in. He said "no problem, I would just move out".

I said that if he is wanting to move in, thinking that he can move out at his convenience, it would be better not to move in together yet.

Considering my divorce took YEARS to get through, I really don't know if I am prepared to wait 2-4 years until he gets his decree absolute (for the simple reason that divorces are quite damaging, how do I know he will want to have a relationship at all after the hell such process is?).

I have made it clear it saddens me that he is not even wanting to start apply for a decree nissi after a year of being together. He insists that we are having a lot of fun and spending a lot of time together so this shouldn't make any difference, but agreed he would start conversations with his ex to start moving things forward, but he hasn't.

I feel he is just taking the mickey, so I have not been a happy bunny over the last few weeks, and as a result, he know says that I have changed and under these circumstances he is not sure whether he should start the process.

I need to end this relationship, right?

I think you could have a long-term future with him. However, I would insist that he is divorced before you move in together. He can start looking into what the settlement would be so that it is all ready to go in another year's time.

Where you live could well be a problem though, if you want to stay where you are and he wants to move somewhere else, that would definitely need sorting out somehow.

I agree with Yazoo- I don't see that there's a huge issue. Ok, he should have kept you in the picture, but seeing as you are so anxious on the subject, I can sort of see why he avoided it. Divorce can be pretty straightforward, and it certainly doesn't have to take years, especially if it's amicable.

The only thing I'd say you would need to do is box off your house financially so you aren't put in the position of losing it again. I'm not sure I could be arsed with having hm move in at all- it's not compulsory, is it?

Could you not stay as you are? Not move in together? It sounds too early. You sound (happily) stuck in your ways and not really as though you want to move in together. He sounds as though he could afford his own place and you coud continue to see each other and review again in the future, when you both may feel more prepared to move your lives more towards moving in together. Just because you're not ready now doesn't mean you (as a couple) won't be in another year or so.

I'm not sure you need to rush to end it. What you need to do is keep your power and independence, he should not be in a position to call the shots on your living arrangements when he's not sorted out his previous commitments yet.
Don't move in together - certainly, don't move him into your place. Start somewhere new together when his divorce comes through, carry on enjoying the relationship in the meantime. Time will tell if he's a keeper, you don't need to rush to make a decision. In a years time he will have no excuse to not divorce and you will know if he's worth any more of your time.

what honeyroar said in a nutshell, if you are questioning this and asking us strangers on an internet forum to help you make a decision, then you clearly don't feel comfortable about it and you are not ready yet.

Just tell him that (avoiding the strangers on internet bit) you are not ready yet, maybe in the future.

Good luck!

Accordingtome, I would rather discuss this in the anonymity of an internet forum than having a family and friends consensus about my personal life. I just needed some perspective, which I have got from posts in this thread and for which I am very grateful.

Anyhow, we had a loooooooong and very frank conversation about our future together, including getting into big detail about why he wants to apply for a divorce in a year's time and why he would preffer not to do it yet if I am not around. There were sime very sensible reasons behind it.

There are also some financial implications about moving together before the divorce goes through, but I won't bore you with the details. The main thing is that we have decided that he will start the negotiations ASAP and would only apply for the decree nissi once the time has elapsed to do it in an amicable way.

I know that it is not compulsory to move in together, but to be honest, there are some parts of family life that I really want to have again: to feel that I am part of a team, enjoy finding someone cooking in the kitchen when I arrive late from work, that catch up on each other's day while we cook dinner, the smile in the morning before you come out of bed, and have that family feeling I get when sitting around the table in pijamas with DS and him to have brunch on a weekend morning.

I know that many of these things disappear when you start living together but if I can get a few years of that bliss again, that's enough for me