Totally paranoid OR Manipulated by DP...so lost and confused im close to giving up

[glitteranddust]

So DH and I have been together for nearly a decade and we have a lovely little girl and we're expecting our 2nd DC.

In the time we have been together i feel like I've been my DP's target. So to me it just seems like he has a need to be in control of everything and everyone all the time. Hes quite a bit older than me and i remember a few months into the relationship feeling intimidated by his success/ambition/confidence to the point where i kept wondering "why in the world is this dude interested in me?" I was struggling to even apply to uni because i kept thinking i would never be able to do it...in the end i graduated with 2:1 so i did great!
Anyways, the feeling hasn't changed in fact it got worse over the years to the point where i think the reason why im depressed is because i think he's manipulative and controlling and he jeeps telling me and "proving" to me he's not...
Im just gonna make a list to get to the point quicker.

Positives
He's always encouraged me to push myself to do more and not let my lack of confidence get in the way (Uni/Career etc...)
He's always been very open to communicate except when I've crossed the line (blow up screaming)
He's always kept in mind that we have over a decade age gap so that changes things a lot in some situations especially when we first met 10yrs ago (maturity wise)
He's always worked zver so hard for himself as well as for the family. Like I said he's very ambitious etc...

Negatives

From the beginning I've been hearing things like "im disappointed in you"/"you're childish ive lost respect for you" / "do you know how much ive spent on you" / you're financially irresponsible"

Doesn't talk for days at a time if i get angry. Apologies or not he ignores me because he knows "i cant force him to talk" so he'll come back when he's ready.

That also means during the silent treatment he'll purpously ignore the food i cook/sleeps on the couch/walking past me in thehouse as though im not there

Giving me "constructive feedback" that leaves me feeling crushed "you're that kind of person, you dont take responsibility for your actions; you don't know how to apologise;you don't do anything unless you're under pressure; it worries me because any reasonabke person would do something about it. It's sad and disappointing that you don't try for yourself. I've tried everything to help you..."

Has clearly stated that my status leaving under "his roof" is not equal to his qo i am not to dictate to him...In 10yrs I've never been able to invite any friends/family for a lunch or diner party as he is against it "we can invite them to the restaurant rather than stress you out about preparing everything" Our friends now stopped inviting us.
I could never really do much on the house even when the time came to decorate the baby's nursery. The only way i can do things is by not asking which then obviously create a huge argument/disappointment...
If i try to talk to him about what makes me unhappy he switches things around and we talk about my issues and insecurities instead.

In front of friends he never talks down at me but at home i feel he does it all the time so i get angry. He did it once in front of our nanny telling me im ignorant and stupid...she was shocked

He says i dont have a sense humour because i think his jokes are degrading but im overreacting.

Nobody believes me not even my therapist. I'm feeling so alone and powerless. A social worker came to our house last month and she saw nothing but his "intellectual" and well spoken character and my anger management issues...

Nobody seems to see what I see or would they think differently if they saw him behind closed doors?

He keeps saying he wants to save the marriage and has offered to finance my therapy sessions since im a stay at home mum with no income at all.
He says i always feel under attack and as if he were out there to get me.

I feel like this about him more and more...ive lost trust in him because i think he manipulates ppl to get what he wants...but in the past 6 to 12 months im beginning to feel that ppl in general must be out to get me.

Am I going mental?

I move him so much it hurts which makes it even harder.

Thanks for reading

So DH and I have been together for nearly a decade and we have a lovely little girl and we're expecting our 2nd DC.

In the time we have been together i feel like I've been my DP's target. So to me it just seems like he has a need to be in control of everything and everyone all the time. Hes quite a bit older than me and i remember a few months into the relationship feeling intimidated by his success/ambition/confidence to the point where i kept wondering "why in the world is this dude interested in me?" I was struggling to even apply to uni because i kept thinking i would never be able to do it...in the end i graduated with 2:1 so i did great!
Anyways, the feeling hasn't changed in fact it got worse over the years to the point where i think the reason why im depressed is because i think he's manipulative and controlling and he jeeps telling me and "proving" to me he's not...
Im just gonna make a list to get to the point quicker.

Positives
He's always encouraged me to push myself to do more and not let my lack of confidence get in the way (Uni/Career etc...)
He's always been very open to communicate except when I've crossed the line (blow up screaming)
He's always kept in mind that we have over a decade age gap so that changes things a lot in some situations especially when we first met 10yrs ago (maturity wise)
He's always worked zver so hard for himself as well as for the family. Like I said he's very ambitious etc...

Negatives

From the beginning I've been hearing things like "im disappointed in you"/"you're childish ive lost respect for you" / "do you know how much ive spent on you" / you're financially irresponsible"

Doesn't talk for days at a time if i get angry. Apologies or not he ignores me because he knows "i cant force him to talk" so he'll come back when he's ready.

That also means during the silent treatment he'll purpously ignore the food i cook/sleeps on the couch/walking past me in thehouse as though im not there

Giving me "constructive feedback" that leaves me feeling crushed "you're that kind of person, you dont take responsibility for your actions; you don't know how to apologise;you don't do anything unless you're under pressure; it worries me because any reasonabke person would do something about it. It's sad and disappointing that you don't try for yourself. I've tried everything to help you..."

Has clearly stated that my status leaving under "his roof" is not equal to his qo i am not to dictate to him...In 10yrs I've never been able to invite any friends/family for a lunch or diner party as he is against it "we can invite them to the restaurant rather than stress you out about preparing everything" Our friends now stopped inviting us.
I could never really do much on the house even when the time came to decorate the baby's nursery. The only way i can do things is by not asking which then obviously create a huge argument/disappointment...
If i try to talk to him about what makes me unhappy he switches things around and we talk about my issues and insecurities instead.

In front of friends he never talks down at me but at home i feel he does it all the time so i get angry. He did it once in front of our nanny telling me im ignorant and stupid...she was shocked

He says i dont have a sense humour because i think his jokes are degrading but im overreacting.

Nobody believes me not even my therapist. I'm feeling so alone and powerless. A social worker came to our house last month and she saw nothing but his "intellectual" and well spoken character and my anger management issues...

Nobody seems to see what I see or would they think differently if they saw him behind closed doors?

He keeps saying he wants to save the marriage and has offered to finance my therapy sessions since im a stay at home mum with no income at all.
He says i always feel under attack and as if he were out there to get me.

I feel like this about him more and more...ive lost trust in him because i think he manipulates ppl to get what he wants...but in the past 6 to 12 months im beginning to feel that ppl in general must be out to get me.

Am I going mental?

I move him so much it hurts which makes it even harder.

Thanks for reading

glitteranddust I have nothing to say but I sincerity hope you find your self worth and leave this shameful domineering piece or work.
I know these people come from a place of hating themselves so much that they so want to punish others who to them are weak.
Get as strong as you can and read as many threads on here because that will help you become stronger.
Woman's aid is the best starting point.
And if someone dose not listen to you then find someone who will.

I could not read and run!!

I'm so sorry OP that you are going through this.. You deserve better..

I don't know how it is to live with an over controlling, abusive husband. But I do suffer from pnd since my last birth. And it is not easy. And if you have a husband who is not supportive than it is not easy.

Please listen to the other posters and leave him.

This is just an idea, but you said he is only like this when at home and in private. And no one believes you because he is acting complete opposite when out and about. Have you thought about installing a camera or even if you have a smartphone trying to record it? So that you have proof in case no one believes even not ss.. It is just a thought.. (I'm sorry if this was not ok to post)

Sending you a lot of flowers and hugs as you clearly need them. And try to get them rest. Your children need you. And you need strength for your upcoming labour...

I could not read and run!!

I'm so sorry OP that you are going through this.. You deserve better..

I don't know how it is to live with an over controlling, abusive husband. But I do suffer from pnd since my last birth. And it is not easy. And if you have a husband who is not supportive than it is not easy.

Please listen to the other posters and leave him.

This is just an idea, but you said he is only like this when at home and in private. And no one believes you because he is acting complete opposite when out and about. Have you thought about installing a camera or even if you have a smartphone trying to record it? So that you have proof in case no one believes even not ss.. It is just a thought.. (I'm sorry if this was not ok to post)

Sending you a lot of flowers and hugs as you clearly need them. And try to get them rest. Your children need you. And you need strength for your upcoming labour...

Don't know why it posted it twice. Maybe because I have poor service at the moment

You have had great advice here, but I'd just point out that while it can be hard to prove emotional abuse, you should be able to get hard evidence for his financial abuse.
This should be enough for legal aid in divorcing him and would certainly put in question everything else he says about you.
If by any chance he has put accounts in your name for tax purposes, do your best to access them. Don't feel like they belong to him at all.
Do trust WA. They may not be able to solve it all for you, but they can five invaluable support.
And I'd go before the baby is born. It will be harder when it's here and adding your mother to the mix will mean you won't be alone in the house to do what you want.

I want to second what Lweji said wrt the finances. There is absolutely no doubt about the financial abuse, and this rarely happens on its own.

Are you able to do any sleuthing at all?
Have you ever seen tax returns?
Do you know what bank/s he may use?
Do you ever receive a cheque from him? This would have an account number on it.

Hey make sure you tell people that he is a charmer, he's different behind closed doors etc., he's false, he's a bully. I don't know why you would hide that. Are social services still involved?

I experienced similar with police, social services and the courts with exh. They believed me.

I am also concerned about the nanny as in he is saying you need one as you cannot look after the children alone.

Thanks guys...this feels too much to deal with!!! It's getting overwhelming. This morning I woke up at 4am and couldn't go back to sleep at all so i got up at 5.30 and starting cleaning (as if i should waste the little energy ive got to do that at 5am ) Anyways i was downstairs and talking out loud because i was so angry with him about all this. He says that i bite his head off all the tume and I bloody do because when i look at him all i see is a f...ing cowardly controlling little man who used me to big himself up
SS have now closed the case and said that if something else happe s they would get involved regardless of what we say.
With regards to the financial abuse i mean, i have little doubt abojt it either, i mean about the fact that it does happen. I have like 1 or 2% doibt in my mind because im so not wise with money that i know he'll have a point against me always. I'm not the type of person who saves for a rainy day. In fact I'm your typical passionate impulsive live in the moment person....at least i was. I've changed a lot onviously since i met him and spend my life second guessing myself etc... I feel negative anout things i used to love about me however small they were...but one thing is true is that I'm not very good at budgeting and putting money aside.
Meanwhile most of the time he gives me £500 but it's like every 6 weeks. I have an expensive car to run, the weekly shop is £90 a week. LO's activities and playgroups are £10-£15 a week and obviously the odd pair of pjs from tescos or baby clothes etc...
Sometimes i by something for the house like scented oils or whatever and I get £500 for 8weeks or until ive used the little i saved. If we order take away he'll say yay order it online you have money right? And i feel like i should have some so i do it...he won't give me a regukar amount and says all you have to do is ask if you don't have any left. Bullocks! If i do he starts asking what it was spent on like a daddy to his teenage daughter talking pocket money...or he'll say yeah ok but won't do it for a while. Which means i run out of food for us or snacks for lo, fruits or whatever...so he goes to tescos and buys snacks bread and essentials so that he doesn't have to give me money...because if not to buy food i don't need any money.
...I spend £5 every 3weeks to thread my eyebrows and take some of the money he gives to by my body creams and shampoos...in tescos not expensive.
One day we went out and he said to me out loud at rhe restaurant : "you don't make the most of your ladies-who-lunch status" and when i challenged him about why he'd say that he said it was sarcastic... sarcastic in what sense please????
all of our friends have nannies too and the wives all have free time to go out and about. I used to also but sonce 2months i havent got had a nanny
The point is, it was such an undermining comment to make like...you have nothing better to do than "do lunch" with your posh friends!

Other wives have allowances/joint accounts/budgets and me never
We dont have joint accounts and i know nothing about his finances my name is on none of his stuff so far as I know.

I started opening up to one of the other wives a bit lately but im worried it'll backfire so i try to stop myself.
hartmel i did manage to download an app that would record phone conversations but we don't call each other much. Plus the times ive manged to record actual conversations with my recorder he must have sensed it because he was saying alll the right things. It's quite unoredictable when he says hirrible stuff and laughs it off.

The other day he said to LO (and me indirectly) "mummy could be a very good cook if ahe tried" My son eats the food i cook. I give him homemade food all the time amd fruits and healthy snacks but if course because it's not a negative thing he says nothing about it!
Sorry for the long post ladies. I'm feeling really frustrated by all this.

PS

You do not have enough food to feed your family.
How would you feel going to the food banks and receiving some food.
You are living a hell with this piece of crap. I bet he lives well when hes away.
You should be embarrassing him by going to food banks and getting his credit card and filling your car up.
Is the car in your name I would sell it and buy a more affordable car.
Can you sell any of your old clothes or any other stuff he would not miss to help you out a bit.
Hes a abusive tosser and I fell sorry for you and your child.

I'm selling things on ebay but to ve honest it's doing my head in at 4weeks to birth to have to do that with a toddler on my hands.
And i don't mean i have no food left to my lo we live very well but if i don't ask for money to do the shop the fridge will get empty by bit m he'll go out to buy essentials rather than say to me "I've transfered more money do u can buy what you meed etc...: basically whatever happens he's im control.

2 weeks ago after i ran out the fridge was getting empty, milk and water etc...but i decided i wasn't going to ask this time...a week went buy until he finally said to me "uh god we need to do a shop i think I'll give u some miney so u can do it..." Finally! But sort of back to square 1 every time.
I actually don't live like others think i do...I buy all my clothes from tesco n hnm now...before lo I'd buy nice dresses etc...but i almost live as if we were on benefits except my husband is a millionaire and if i say "dont worry ill take the bus to my hosp appointment" (didn't wanna drive into town) he goes "this doesn't make sense take a cab it's easier...etc"
Of course it is but the money is coming out of the sum he have me so I'd rather keep it for something more "needed". I keep thinking of a couple of friends we have. She's a SAHM too (1boy of 10 months) and he works but they rent and he earns less than my H...well you know what i envy them. Life seems harmonious on their side, the guy always says "my wife this my wife that" They ho on very nice holidays because they plan ahead. I can see he admires her not her degrees bcause she hasn't got any and not her money either because she hasn't got any...its just her and I've never ever had that.
If i asked what do u love about me he says i don't know...now i know why...it's never been about loving me or how much or how great i am or not.

He probably loves that he can love himself more through putting you down and control you.

You would be better off divorcing him because you could control any money you got from him or as benefits. No need to ask or have your expenditure scrutinised.

Just that you don't have access to the family money is financial abuse, unless you had agreed to it. Could you email him or text him asking to set up access to the current account, if you don't have any other evidence that you do want access?

But, for your sake, you must stop being openly angry at him and start acting on getting rid of him. That anger can easily backfire, as you have seen before. Use it for your benefit (and of your children) instead.

True lweji this is pretty sound advice.
I don't want access to his accounts though he can keep all of it to himself or share it with the neighbours for all i care. I know why you suggest this but ive asked wnoigh times for a joont account or an allowance etc...amd eveey time i do that i put myself in a position where the abuse will take place and bit myself up for it. I don't want to ask him again for now I can't.
Ummm the hormones are making it so difficult to stay calm these days, oneven get andry at random ppl whilst driving! Very weirdly enough, at least once my mum comes she'll do lots to at least try to help...providing ahe doesn't disappoint it sjould help a bit.
Hope everyone is having a nice weekend Xxx

I have a friend in a very similar situation to you. I wish I had some wonderful advice but I don't. I worry about her often.

I guess many women have survived starting from scratch & working their way up from there to have productive independent lives with just
their kids. My mother was one of them.

Mmm, I think the reason that Lweji is suggesting that you ask him set up access to the current account by email is to have documentary evidence, Glitter.

As for not being good at administering money, I think you must be bloody good if you can make the money he gives you stretch so far. And what other experience have you ever had of administering money anyway, as you met him just three months after you moved out.

Indeed. If you have prior evidence of asking for access don't bother asking him now, but if there is nothing then it might be worth asking him now, even if you are "punished" for it, or when he is away, which is a good excuse.

Lots of people don't save for a rainy day, particularly when younger and child free, that doesn't make them incapable of dealing with their own finances. FGS, whole countries are even in debt! (Not that you want it)

He has no excuse to keep you begging for your own money. Because when you married it became family money, not his or yours alone.
I'm also sure you'll manage just fine on your own.
Through WA you could find a place at a refuge and get the real life support to keep away from him, get control of your own life, and get what you deserve financially from your marriage to this man.
If you think about it, you'd get more for yourself working as a nanny or child minder and as a cleaner than what is left for your personal expenses.

Also, pointing out that abusers like him thrive on secrecy. Because their victims are ashamed to speak out.
The nanny shows to the world how good he treats you and that he can afford it. He likes to show off.
You must not be ashamed of what you are going through. It is his doing. And he should be ashamed of it.

You're selling things on eBay to make ends meet yet your husband is a millionaire and wants to pay for a nanny even though you don't work.

It must be so humiliating for you to live like that.

I can't see you acting at the moment with the imminent arrival of your second child but I think you should make a longer term plan. You will need more money now and if I were you I would make a major deal out of this part at least. The alternative is you keep quiet and lie low while struggling to feed and clothe yourselves.

From Lundy Bancroft 'Why Does he Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men'

"Your abusive partner doesn't have a problem with his anger; he has a problem with your anger. One of the basic human rights he takes away from you is the right to be angry with him. No matter how badly he treats you, he believes that your voice shouldn't rise and your blood shouldn't boil. The privilege of rage is reserved for him alone. When your anger does jump out of you as will happen to any abused woman from time to time he is likely to jam it back down your throat as he can. Then he uses your anger against you to prove what an irrational person you are. Abuse can make you feel straitjacketed. You may develop physical or emotional reactions to swallowing your anger, such as depression, nightmares, emotional numbing, or eating and sleeping problems, which your partner may use as an excuse to belittle you further or make you feel crazy"

Does this shed any light on what is going on wrt anger?

"...he is likely to jam it back down your throat as quickly as he can."

Oh I've read this bit before thanks math ...yes in the context of things with H my hlood definitely boils because I am now fully aware of what he's doing but i also know i had this problem wayyyy before i met him. I was like that my friends/Xs/family. I'm quite agressive too...just like my mum

Let me be clear on that though im not only the victim in that i know my own issues have helped destroyed the relationship even more. BUT I admit and recognise i have a problem. Whereas he hides behind mine like the passage you posted suggests, to erase any doubt from ppls mind that he would be in the wrong...

There is no repairing this, no therapy, & no "intention to change" even if he recognized he had a problem there is only one solution for you.
& as hard as it may be, you are going to have to leave him...
it's bleak, it seems insurmountable, and whether the friends & neighbours understand is irrelevant.
A one line reply is sufficiant: " We are not happy", or "Our marriage wasn't working".
They may not understand, but only you have to live with him, you have one chance to get your life right, & you have a responsability to your children, to show them this is not accepatable.
He has plenty of money, he will have to pay you a monthly allowance & it will cover your rent & costs, you will get some help from the social security/ etc
You need to get your HV involved & get the problem "on paper".
And, he will threaten to take your kids away.. it is more abuse, its in the EA handbook. classic threats & behaviour will ensue, including a short period of being sorry & contrite & promising he loves you & will change he won't

Remember, whether or not there is EA, financial, or physical abuse. You can leave.
Your relationship has broken down. you do not need to justify yourself. LTB

This is making me cry a bit too much...we've just had an argument today about money...
All the money ive ever had when not working has been coming from him. He is basically saying that the reason why he is against paying me an allowance (even one that only covers Tesco and the kids playgroups) is because I'm not fiscally responsible:

Me: "the reason why i have had to tap into my saving constantly is because the money you give me for shopping is irregular so i have no choice but to take some from mine..."
H: "I've told you before all.u have to do if you ended up havimg to spend some of your saved money is to tell me how much and I'll reimburse you. When have i not done that??!!"
this is where the manipulation/twisting begins
Me: "Yes i know you did but instead of me having to use my saved money in the 1st place, why would you rather not do the calculations of how much i need for food and playgroups weekly. That way i still have money saved...."
H: "Have i not given you the money you ask for back before? In fact i always give you a bit more. If you say you spent £150 extra I give you £200 etc (that's actually true) but you alwqays end up having no money left at all" (that's 90% true too)

Now here is why:
We talk about getting a take away and he knows there's an app or website to order online so he goes "yeah just order online." Ummm okay so at what point did he now say "yeah just order online and let me know how much it was so i can give it back" ...he wants me to go evvvvvery single time and say : "can u please give me back the £30 for the take away" then 3 days later "can you please give me the £54 for tescos"....
He said to me this morning "what makes you thing youncan demand money from me?" At which point I shouted back I never in my life demanded any money from.anybody in my life especially not him! i would never allow myself to demand it as a given just because we're married or have kids...but he now threatened to show me evidence that i have demanded before and went onto his laptop to show me...

Ive reached the point of no return he's never had any respect for me at all. His rules are different for the rest of the world.

I am going to tell him that I want a divorce. I dont want to do it secretly I'm not like that.

It's sad when we get to the realisation that we need to separate, isn't it?
But you will be better.

There was a thread a while ago from a pp who was actually working and earning money but still had to go around with shoes with holes. :(
You don't want it to get that far.

As for telling him you want a divorce, I would make sure I had sound legal advice and a plan on how to proceed. Do make sure he wouldn't be able to stitch you up financially (well, in fact, stitching up his children).
Is he likely to hide assets?

Because that is a very likely scenario, considering how he is with money.

Please do not tell him you want a divorce in haste.

You absolutely need to get a few ducks in order first.

You need to go to WA and get their support and make a plan to leave if this man shows signs of becoming violent.
Ideally you should do the Freedom Programme.

You need to get a referral to a solicitor who understands abuse and also knows his or her way around spouses who are financially abusive. You need to work out is you can qualify for legal aid.

You need all of this sorted before you breathe a word to him.

There is a difference between doing things behind someone's back and being methodical for the sake of your own self protection. With this man, you must always watch your back, so please do not go for the full frontal approach. It is not a question of secretly vs honestly. It is for your own protection. Please respect your enemy here.

I'm sorry to make you cry, what you really need is to find is your anger.
Anger that he is a miserly bully, Anger that he has destroyed your self worth, Anger that there is no Love, trust, support or understanding. That he Controls you
I take it it has been this way since birth of 1st child? (read the hand book ). Clearly your relationship wasn't always domineering (him) & crushed (you) ?

You need to prepare for the divorce announcement, first you need to know where you are going to live with a new born, & toddler, so while you say you don't want to do it secretly. Do you think you are strong enough to do battle with him immediately? He is a master manipulator.
I really would suggest you see a HV, call Womens aid & try & get some real life input. If at all possible you need to open your own secret bank account & try to squirrel small amounts away. (beware to only have on line statements.)
Change your pin on phone & computer, make sure there is no "cloud" that relays your mails & phone calls, go to IT/phone shop if necessary & check it is disactivated. (this may seem OTT, but wait until you have said "I'm off"...)
You need to get your ID, & that of your child, birth certificates, any copies of bank statements, savings, life insurance docs, house deeds that you can gleen.
People like this do not play fair. When you challenge the situation, (after a brief attempt to woo you back into the warm arms of the devil) He will make threats, he will tell you to leave, he will refuse all money & he will threaten to take the children & prove you are an unfit mother......(read the handbook)

You should really really get a good solicitor referral from Womens aid, & start to research your rights, & get some legal help.
HE can get legal help at the drop of a hat, he has the connections, & he has the money.
You can approach your local housing dept, & get on a list. get assessment. Speak to your doctor about Emotional abuse, get it on record.
Are you on AD's ?

I emphasise the need to make an appointment with HV, GP & call WA before making the divorce announcement.

Just read your thread. I'm just going to say please don't tell him you want a divorce until you've spoken to a solicitor. It's imperative that you understand your position with regards to finances.