Totally paranoid OR Manipulated by DP...so lost and confused im close to giving up

[glitteranddust]

So DH and I have been together for nearly a decade and we have a lovely little girl and we're expecting our 2nd DC.

In the time we have been together i feel like I've been my DP's target. So to me it just seems like he has a need to be in control of everything and everyone all the time. Hes quite a bit older than me and i remember a few months into the relationship feeling intimidated by his success/ambition/confidence to the point where i kept wondering "why in the world is this dude interested in me?" I was struggling to even apply to uni because i kept thinking i would never be able to do it...in the end i graduated with 2:1 so i did great!
Anyways, the feeling hasn't changed in fact it got worse over the years to the point where i think the reason why im depressed is because i think he's manipulative and controlling and he jeeps telling me and "proving" to me he's not...
Im just gonna make a list to get to the point quicker.

Positives
He's always encouraged me to push myself to do more and not let my lack of confidence get in the way (Uni/Career etc...)
He's always been very open to communicate except when I've crossed the line (blow up screaming)
He's always kept in mind that we have over a decade age gap so that changes things a lot in some situations especially when we first met 10yrs ago (maturity wise)
He's always worked zver so hard for himself as well as for the family. Like I said he's very ambitious etc...

Negatives

From the beginning I've been hearing things like "im disappointed in you"/"you're childish ive lost respect for you" / "do you know how much ive spent on you" / you're financially irresponsible"

Doesn't talk for days at a time if i get angry. Apologies or not he ignores me because he knows "i cant force him to talk" so he'll come back when he's ready.

That also means during the silent treatment he'll purpously ignore the food i cook/sleeps on the couch/walking past me in thehouse as though im not there

Giving me "constructive feedback" that leaves me feeling crushed "you're that kind of person, you dont take responsibility for your actions; you don't know how to apologise;you don't do anything unless you're under pressure; it worries me because any reasonabke person would do something about it. It's sad and disappointing that you don't try for yourself. I've tried everything to help you..."

Has clearly stated that my status leaving under "his roof" is not equal to his qo i am not to dictate to him...In 10yrs I've never been able to invite any friends/family for a lunch or diner party as he is against it "we can invite them to the restaurant rather than stress you out about preparing everything" Our friends now stopped inviting us.
I could never really do much on the house even when the time came to decorate the baby's nursery. The only way i can do things is by not asking which then obviously create a huge argument/disappointment...
If i try to talk to him about what makes me unhappy he switches things around and we talk about my issues and insecurities instead.

In front of friends he never talks down at me but at home i feel he does it all the time so i get angry. He did it once in front of our nanny telling me im ignorant and stupid...she was shocked

He says i dont have a sense humour because i think his jokes are degrading but im overreacting.

Nobody believes me not even my therapist. I'm feeling so alone and powerless. A social worker came to our house last month and she saw nothing but his "intellectual" and well spoken character and my anger management issues...

Nobody seems to see what I see or would they think differently if they saw him behind closed doors?

He keeps saying he wants to save the marriage and has offered to finance my therapy sessions since im a stay at home mum with no income at all.
He says i always feel under attack and as if he were out there to get me.

I feel like this about him more and more...ive lost trust in him because i think he manipulates ppl to get what he wants...but in the past 6 to 12 months im beginning to feel that ppl in general must be out to get me.

Am I going mental?

I move him so much it hurts which makes it even harder.

Thanks for reading

So DH and I have been together for nearly a decade and we have a lovely little girl and we're expecting our 2nd DC.

In the time we have been together i feel like I've been my DP's target. So to me it just seems like he has a need to be in control of everything and everyone all the time. Hes quite a bit older than me and i remember a few months into the relationship feeling intimidated by his success/ambition/confidence to the point where i kept wondering "why in the world is this dude interested in me?" I was struggling to even apply to uni because i kept thinking i would never be able to do it...in the end i graduated with 2:1 so i did great!
Anyways, the feeling hasn't changed in fact it got worse over the years to the point where i think the reason why im depressed is because i think he's manipulative and controlling and he jeeps telling me and "proving" to me he's not...
Im just gonna make a list to get to the point quicker.

Positives
He's always encouraged me to push myself to do more and not let my lack of confidence get in the way (Uni/Career etc...)
He's always been very open to communicate except when I've crossed the line (blow up screaming)
He's always kept in mind that we have over a decade age gap so that changes things a lot in some situations especially when we first met 10yrs ago (maturity wise)
He's always worked zver so hard for himself as well as for the family. Like I said he's very ambitious etc...

Negatives

From the beginning I've been hearing things like "im disappointed in you"/"you're childish ive lost respect for you" / "do you know how much ive spent on you" / you're financially irresponsible"

Doesn't talk for days at a time if i get angry. Apologies or not he ignores me because he knows "i cant force him to talk" so he'll come back when he's ready.

That also means during the silent treatment he'll purpously ignore the food i cook/sleeps on the couch/walking past me in thehouse as though im not there

Giving me "constructive feedback" that leaves me feeling crushed "you're that kind of person, you dont take responsibility for your actions; you don't know how to apologise;you don't do anything unless you're under pressure; it worries me because any reasonabke person would do something about it. It's sad and disappointing that you don't try for yourself. I've tried everything to help you..."

Has clearly stated that my status leaving under "his roof" is not equal to his qo i am not to dictate to him...In 10yrs I've never been able to invite any friends/family for a lunch or diner party as he is against it "we can invite them to the restaurant rather than stress you out about preparing everything" Our friends now stopped inviting us.
I could never really do much on the house even when the time came to decorate the baby's nursery. The only way i can do things is by not asking which then obviously create a huge argument/disappointment...
If i try to talk to him about what makes me unhappy he switches things around and we talk about my issues and insecurities instead.

In front of friends he never talks down at me but at home i feel he does it all the time so i get angry. He did it once in front of our nanny telling me im ignorant and stupid...she was shocked

He says i dont have a sense humour because i think his jokes are degrading but im overreacting.

Nobody believes me not even my therapist. I'm feeling so alone and powerless. A social worker came to our house last month and she saw nothing but his "intellectual" and well spoken character and my anger management issues...

Nobody seems to see what I see or would they think differently if they saw him behind closed doors?

He keeps saying he wants to save the marriage and has offered to finance my therapy sessions since im a stay at home mum with no income at all.
He says i always feel under attack and as if he were out there to get me.

I feel like this about him more and more...ive lost trust in him because i think he manipulates ppl to get what he wants...but in the past 6 to 12 months im beginning to feel that ppl in general must be out to get me.

Am I going mental?

I move him so much it hurts which makes it even harder.

Thanks for reading

And being mad is good, though try and direct it at the person who deserves it - him, not at yourself. You really have come a long way already, half the battle is in your own mind - being able to recognise things for what they are before you can act on them and you are doing well on that score.

Amazing article about the batterrer math but also so scary. It does mention what i was alluding to earlier on which is they have very good chances of winning custody due to the way they know how to intimate/manipulate/charm and the fact that they are generally sharp people as opposed to the victim who traumatised, is less likely to convince they are fit to look after children on their own...
I fell.exhausted just to think about the battle ahead. I know him he never gives up without winning a fight! My family don't really know although in January before I realised i was pregnant i sent them a txt in the middle of the night to say i wanted to leave him etc...then i regretted it amd told them things were better. My mother has never been helpful or sympathetic she alwaya said to me "i feel sorry for whoever will spend their lives with you...you're just a nobody"...My sisters know to a.much larger extent what my life is like but i think i send them this signal of "don't worry it's all ok". So they know I'm not happy but because i don't call them in tears they sort of think things are on the mend...NOBODY knows about social services though.
Tried getting closer to some NCT friends but gosh they all had such stable lives we couldn't relate in a million years...
H travels a lot for work (2 to 3 weeks at a time every 8 to 10weeks) and one NCT mate said when's he back? And i said "I'm not sure he said Friday but hasn't confirmed..." and as i said it out loud + saw her reaction when she added "Oh my God that's horrible you don't even know when to expect him home after so many days apart..." I then realised unless he needed me to sort out his cab home, he's never told me exactly when he'd be back. Gives me a date then it turns out its a day or 2 after or promises to send me the confirmation but doesnt unless he wants my help to do the check in etc ... and if i mentioned that to him he'd simply say "That's trivial Jennyfer" and there we go again...

If you are a SAHM it is very unlikely he will get custody removed from you and given to him. What would be the point in him having custody when he works away for weeks at a time and you are at home?!

If he tries to assert that he will have a nanny then he will appear to be interested in controlling the children rather than caring for them. You do know that since you are a married SAHM no matter what he thinks about 'his' money and 'his' property it is actually half yours too - he agreed to that legally when you got married.

You may even be entitled to remove him from 'his' house until the DC reach 18. You will certainly be entitled to child support and may be entitled to spousal support at least for the period you are planning to study in order to get into a good job. When he married you he agreed to relinquish total control over 'his' money and property. It is very likely he knows that if you leave him this is what you will be entitled to which is why he is telling you you aren't entitled to anything and it's all his while you are still with him.

OP, I think you have put your name in your last post, report to MN if you want it removed.

offred you seem to know an awful lot about these things. It really helps because sometimes you don't know where to start looking for what help you can get It doeas make sense about him not getting custody since he travs often but what if he makes sure and agrees not to travel (he usually works from home when not travelling) just to get custody?

Hehe thanks stepsharp i should have written in bracket that i was using a fake name. My name is not Jennyfer
Xx

Then surely questions could be asked, and quite rightly, about why he was doing this now you had split and not before? People look at what is in the best interests of the child, that normally involves recognising that big changes based on what one parent wants not based on there being a risk from the other parent are not to benefit the child but to appease the feelings of the parent asking. You will find it easier to be recognised as suffering from DA if you are involved with women's aid and you will get support to deal with it.

I know a lot about what has happened with me in my situation and WA have been really good. I have been back and forth to them over 10 years for various things and with different relationships.

Even if he convinced that one social worker that the problem was your anger that would not be enough to have the DC taken off you and you know that because if it was SS, having decided that at the visit would have taken more interest in you wouldn't they? So the worst case scenario has already happened - SS have visited, he has convinced them you are the problem and no further action has been taken against you.

He may step up his campaign against you as he realises he is losing control but that will make it even more vital to have WA behind you.

you are pregnant? due soon with a history of PND?
can I suggest that you make an appointment and speak to your midwife or HV: even take in what you typed as a first post, explain the pushing incident (including your response) and the way you felt/played along at SS referral. They have seen it all and are usually in a good place to point the way to help/and also having it all recorded pre birth with them would stand very much in your favour in any custody/making you out to be an unfit mother battle later - eg it shows you had insight/were making plans/asking for help and that his narrative is not the only one

He's a manipulative, abusive, controlling, nasty piece of work.
Many have already said it.
Look up gaslighting and stonewalling abuse!
Please call Womens Aid.
They can help you and they will believe you.
I think you LOVED him and the man you thought he was but I think the scales are now falling from your eyes.

I cannot believe you haven't had your family or friends round to your own home.
He's a fuckwit! Sorry.

Given that your mother is also an abuser (which explains why you fell for him - your childhood has conditioned you to think of your own needs as coming very much bottom of the pile) I would strongly consider taking WA's offer of a refuge place for you and your DC, before the birth.

I am very concerned that once you have a newborn you will be emotionally vulnerable and at the mercy of two veteran abusers.

Didactylos now you mention it, i spoke about my history of PND at my midwife appt. I told them i was even granted 3months of counselling at my birth hospital the 1st time and she asked if i wanted to be reffered for some extra help wich agreed to and she never got back to me!!!! I've got an appointment on Monday so will definitely mention it!
pocketsaviour I can see this happening too i became such a fragile and vulnerable 1st time mum i was the ideal prey to more abuse and put down and that's when i hit rock bottom. It took me 10months to finally start bonding with my LO and gain confidence as a mum...Im.anxious this will happen again but I also know this time around i can stand my ground at least with the kids because im the one looking after LO constantly and they feel safer with me vecause i k ow what im doing with them. My relationship with mum has changed although she hasn't but I have. Since the time i left when i was really such a big kid at 19 i haven't actuakky given her the opportunity to know me as a fully grown adult so i let her pass her judgments but a part of me pumishes her by making her feel quite unwelcome everytime she's in my life...im going to have to make an effort though otherwise she'll leave after a week.

I'm so concerned about you, you're in such a miserable situation and your mental health is taking a battering by living in this way with such a manipulative person in control of everything.

Please listen to some of this advice, some posters really know what their talking about when it comes to this stuff - not just in theory, but through real and personal experience. So they know only too well what it's like to feel totally trapped and not know where to turn and utterly hopeless.

I have nothing against people having nannies -- I used to be one myself and I loved it. People want to do the best they can for their children and nannies often fit the bill.

However, I wondered if your H had pressured you to hire her and if so why? Was the nanny hired in a context of you being told you were useless, or couldn't manage a baby on your own or something along those lines?

Wrt the Bancroft article it is a good piece, and while it is also scary, I want to echo what Offred said: if your H works away from home 2-3 weeks at a time and you are a SAHM you are the one most likely to get residency of the children. As Offred says, he can't claim he has a nanny or change his work arrangements drastically this really would just look as if he was playing a game of keeping the children from you, out of spite.

Please don't be afraid of giving your name to WA. They are not going to go behind your back or contact the other SW. Call again when you feel you can (but soon) and please be open to the idea of going to a shelter. I know you feel you really can't make a move with the baby's arrival date almost upon you, but perhaps start making plans that you can return to once you are settled after the birth. Don't rule out going to a shelter. Your H may decide to provoke you into retaliation (i.e. hitting him back) when you are at a low ebb emotionally and physically, and recovering from delivery. Or he may decide to pick on your DD and see you forced to intervene.

You can do the WA Freedom Programme without being in a shelter. It will help to build you back up again and you will feel good that you are taking steps onwards and upwards.

Remember too that you can call the police if he pushes you or if there is any physical abuse.

Maybe let drop a few more hints to your NCT mate -- the one whose face dropped when you told her your H arrives back whenever the fancy takes him. She sounds like a person who could potentially be sympathetic.

I was thinking also about the nanny thing. Would he say "We had to get the nanny because she couldn't cope."
It just struck me that he restricts funds to you, yet is prepared to pay for a nanny.

Thanks guys for all your messages!

So for the nanny thing, i would say yes he would most probably say "she couldn't cope on her own"...because he travels a lot and my family are in my home country. So no support network.
I'm very glad i got one BUT this way of always being worried to death about my ability to handle things really gets me down

Im so tired i dont remember what else was said in your lovely messages ...he gave me money a few days back for food shopping and other things...it won't last long and again it's not allowance...just before he sent it to me i encouraged the allowance thing again. He said yeaaahhh im not against it but its just that when i realise you start spending it on things you're not supposed to buy i feel you're not managing the money well... however that conversation ended slipped my mind but nothing changed

i am exhausted i need to sleep but find it very hard to.. .

Glitteranddust, he only wants this relationship to have someone to abuse. He has you well and truly where he wants you.

Do you have any access to information on your family accounts or income? Does he give you cash?

Please, please give WA another try.

I want to post this to clarify something I posted upthread, in response to a PM wrt vulnerability of mothers and threats to children:

What I meant about an abuser moving on to threaten a child was that an abuser will sometimes do this as a way of keeping the victim on her back foot and always afraid. The alternative victim can be a child or sometimes a pet. If he feels that his need for the reaction that he craves, and that tells him he is in control, has not been filled he tries the tactic of threatening the child or the pet.

The payoff for the abuser is that he keeps you living in fear, and the fear is doubled if your child becomes the victim of rage or other abusive behaviour. It is an excellent way of keeping someone well and truly in line because your instinct is to protect your child. He is assured of a reaction because of this instinct. It makes you think twice about speaking your mind if you fear your innocent child will become a target or will be hurt by deliberate endangerment. It also puts you into a lose/lose situation because if you keep silent and always try to please him, he won't get that reassuring response of fear that he needs, so he may try to provoke you either by an attack of some sort on you, but if he wants to go for maximum effect, he will threaten the child or pet.

The threat to the child is sometimes also done because the abuser feels jealous of attention the victim gives to the child. Right after the arrival of a baby an abuser can feel that the mother is getting too much attention from hospital staff and from visitors if there are any. He can start feeling very resentful that the mother pays attention to her baby, smiles at the baby, holds the baby, picks the baby up when he cries, breastfeeds, spends time preparing formula and making sure it is made up and stored properly, etc. Many abusers will accuse the mother of spoiling a baby by picking him up when he cries, or will demand that a mother stops breastfeeding a baby boy. Abusers can get very angry when a baby cries during the night and will demand that the mother fixes this problem. They are often not interested in helping with the baby's care or feeding or around the house -- all they want is to heap fear and pressure on the mother in order to make her pay attention to the abuser again.

Abusers are not mature adults. Their emotional development is stuck somewhere around age 2 or 3. They are not interested in identifying real problems or working together to fix them -- Glitteranddust, there is probably no problem at all with your budgeting skills. Your H just wants to let you know that he is in control of your destiny when he holds all the money and gives you unpredictable amounts at unpredictable intervals. You literally do not know where your next meal is coming from if you are low on funds. This is extremely abusive.

Right after the birth of a baby, a woman's hormones can be all over the place and she can feel really, really angered by the provocation of an abuser. If she has PND this is even more true. If she hits or slaps or threatens the abuser he will often use that to present himself as the injured party, will call police, will call SS, will force the woman to see a therapist, etc. when all the time the woman was just responding at a vulnerable time to provocation that may have even been deliberate.

Abusers can also try to get a child on their 'side' by making remarks that undermine the mother. This is emotional and psychological abuse of a child and also of a mother.

The abuser only wants to make his victims fear him and believe that they have no options but to go on living in the prison he has made for everyone. This is all he is getting out of the relationship. He needs to feel that he rules his tiny little corner of the world and nobody there can say Boo to him.

It is incredibly distressing because you, as a normal person, can see no reason for this whatsoever -- no reason for him to be making life hell for anyone, let alone someone he once promised to love and honour, etc. You would not behave like this and your normal, rational brain cannot understand it. The rational brain tries to make sense of it, tells you there must be two sides to this and that he may have a point in all the criticism he makes, and tries to find a way to fix it. The normal, emotionally sound adult gives the relationship everything she has in hopes of salvaging it, at least until a self preservation instinct kicks in and she realises there is no way to make things change. But the abuser is only in the relationship to fulfill his need for the gratifying feeling that comes when he makes everyone else fear him.

The only way to stop the relationship benefitting him is to call the police and/or to leave (after making careful plans and building yourself up with sympathetic counselling from Women's Aid, or doing the Freedom Programme, and/or plenty of reading to help you see through the behaviour). Most abusers have some sort of personality disorder or deepseated emotional problem imo, and you cannot change them by appealing to their better nature or to reason.

if he found your book , he can find this.Perhaps somebody can tell op how to permanently delete. He seems so confident because he has stolen your confidence. You are still you inside. You can have a better life than this. Hope your mother really does help.

In your Op you said he had been supportive of your studies career. But now you're a SAHM he is clearly financially abusive and constantly undermining your confidence: can you see that those things don't tally?

A man with a long hours or working away job who was concerned to help his wife at home with small DC would ask her what would help and listen, eg changing his job or work pattern (eg my DH came home much earlier from work in the first year after DC2 arrived), a mother's help, good babysitter, ad-hoc or regular nanny for a certain number of hours a week. But here, even setting aside the breathtaking arrogance of him thinking he knows better how to manage things with the DC and organising this against your wishes, it sounds more like he is trying to build evidence of your incompetence, perhaps to help trap you with him (eg "you can't leave: I will get the DC, you're not the primary carer as we had a nanny").

Have you considered telling your health visitor and GP that your husband is long-term emotionally abusive and that this was/is an important factor in your mental health? It might help them to provide good care and support and if you later need to go through court about a divorce.

I did duckdeamon
O went to see my GP last time things wemt OOC and it was after i told him he was quite controling that he said yeah im not surprised he's a control freak. But because o admitted biolence on both parts and LO witnessing it he said i jave no choice but to get SS inbolved now...
He told them what i said nut added something that could have destroyed everything. He told them "her husband flies off the handle too quickly" which isn't even true. The one thing he never does is lose it/insult/shout because it's too obvious. Je works on polishing his omage to make it look like it's all in my head...etc
When SS came he did excatly that and they now turned their attention to me with my history of PND and anger management issues which he nicely laid out for them...so i had no choice at the time but to play along so they would leave us alone because they were beginning to be concerned about me being fit to protect my kids.

They have no idea. Well the SW didn't. She came in my house looking and sounding like she'd seen it all but she saw jack s...t
My GP on the other hand whom I saw once since the incident could clearly see i was saying whatever i needed to say to get them all off my case...he knows what my husband is like and he knows i was lying about things being on the mend...that's where I'm at right now.

I know all about covert/emotional abuse. Water torturer/Gaslighters etc...because back in January is when i started reading and realising so many other women out there are in my case...then i found out i was preg and I hit a new low.

I'm preparing myself because when baby comes in now 4weeks im going to have to be tougher than tough and survive the first few months hoping not to fall into a deeper depression.

The one thing that shocked me the most is how dangerously confusing this abuse is...so many women who share their stories say that after being married or having kids...etc it took them tears and years to open their eyes...and then years before gathering the strength to leave. One of them in particular said (on this very forum) she was with her H for 18yrs i think and she was only just starting to rise to it
I have ao many weak moments sometimes i think that's what will end up happening to me too

You know thise moments when you want to go back into "total denial mode" trying to convince yourself you must be wrong about him because you can't possibly have gotten it all wrong...

Xx

Sorry for all the spelling mistakes guys i had to put lo to bed

My marriage lasted 16 years, with five children. I spent many years kicking myself for being so stupid. But then having read a bit, I realised that people like my exH are excellent performers and fool everyone most of the time. Even so, I was in denial for long stretches.

I went to see one particular counsellor, ironically one my exH demanded that I see, as he had gone to talk to her a few times and he insisted I go and get myself fixed via counselling. She agreed to take me on as a patient (I believe against protocol) and in the first session told me she had never encountered such an angry man as exH, and told me (again against protocol) that I needed to make a start on planning to be divorced.

You are not alone in what you are going through, and it does not indicate anything about you. Everything that is happening only reflects on your H.