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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Do I talk to this OW? Complicated

54 replies

Beachday · 14/05/2015 17:54

When I found out about this OW it was the last straw. We separated, but he was still in the house, still begging me to take him back.

Then he died suddenly

No doubt she is upset. But she seems a bit unbalanced and she makes comments on his FB page that I think are inappropriate.

And if his mum found out he was having an affair it would break her heart.
She seems intent on trying to show people what he was to her.

I'm worried this will escalate.

My husband was a liar, so I have no idea what he said to her about us.
She knew he was married because we have a joint friend.
And I don't want to be intentionally mean, but maybe she should know what a liar he was. I think she thinks he was perfect.

She was a fuck buddy, I believe. He didn't spend that much time with her.

I wanted to keep his FB page because there are a lot of tributes on there and I know friends scroll through and look at pics etc and it helps them. And I wanted my son to see it in time.

What do I do about her?

OP posts:

Quitelikely · 14/05/2015 19:08

Who has the password to his page?

If it's her then there is nothing you can do.

I don't think there is much to be gained from contacting her.

You don't know what your husband told her and she may believe that she was important to him.

I suppose the situation is humiliating for you but she didn't show you any respect when you were married to him so I doubt she will start showing it to you now.

Original poster

Beachday · 14/05/2015 19:50

I don't particularly want to talk to her, but part of me wants to tell her some home truths.
Kitty- yes I was thinking of appealing to her better nature.

Justusemyname- I printed them off for his mum, it's not quite the same, and it took forever, opening up all the comments. And there's all adverts on the sides.

I'm sure she does think she meant a lot to him. I'm sure he told her she did. But she doesn't have any idea what a liar he was.

Frankie- thanks for that info, I'll try and sort it once ds goes to bed.

No-one has his password, quitelikely.
Any of his FB friends can post on his page, but I'd have to have the password or admin rights to block or delete her or her posts.
It's obvious from FB that he was very much still in the marriage- he was trying to keep up appearances-in denial really.

There's no excuse really, whatever he told her. She knew he was married.
The night he met her, I was supposed to go out with them, but babysitter let us down.
Her and joint 'friend' were the party girls. I don't really care about the joint friend.

OP posts:

goddessofsmallthings · 14/05/2015 21:26

Can you work out the password? If he didn't have it written down it's probably an easy one - ds name(s), favourite football team etc, his middle name, date of birth etc. Not sure how many tries you can have in a 24 hour period before being rejected, but you can always try again another day.

If not you may have to send copy of death cert/proof that you're next of kin to FB - could take some time so good luck with that.

My advice would be not to contact the OW ... hopefully she'll confine herself to crying in her beer rather than displaying her sentiments on social media.

ConnortheMonkey · 14/05/2015 21:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

donemekmelarf · 14/05/2015 21:41

The overall advice on the Relationships board (whilst the affair is happening and been discovered) is that the wife must never, ever, under any circumstances contact the OW, because apparently it's the husband who is the problem and the OW should be kept out of things - the feelings of the OW must be spared at the expense of the wife's.
The wife's feelings are secondary.
And that advice has always sat uncomfortably with me, because it often seems as if by not involving the OW , OW is getting off scot-free from the shit-fest that happens as a result of an affair.
The wife's world has been turned upside down and yet the OW very often fades back into the background, completely unscathed!

This is why I think you should definitely not have any conversations with the OW now
Because if you DO talk to her, the OW's feelings (needing to be acknowledged and comforted) are being put first once again - before your own feelings.
Once again, her needs will be put first before the wife's.

Sod her and what she needs.
Put yourself first this time. You deserve it!

I don't understand why all the advice while the affair is going on, is to never, ever confront/talk to the OW, but now that he's died, some people are even advising the OP, that it might be a good idea to talk to her
Seems wrong somehow.

Anniegetyourgun · 14/05/2015 21:54

Um... bullshit. That's not why wives are advised not to contact OW. (Not that that piece of advice has ever been unanimous anyway.) On this one the OP is in two minds about it because if she gets into a spat with her the OW is likely to blow everything wide open to the detriment of MIL's feelings. She's being the bigger person because poor old MIL doesn't deserve the pain. OW deserves everything she gets, but that doesn't mean it's a good idea to dish it out under the circumstances. Her bloke's died anyway, so she's not entirely unscathed.

zipzap · 14/05/2015 21:56

Do you have any of your dh's computers or phones or tablets or similar that he would have used to access to facebook and would automatically log in to it when you opened them up? Or in firefox I know there's an option where you can check to see log in names and passwords that it has stored for different sites - if you could get onto his computer then they might well give you clues as to what password to try if he has any sort of system.

If he worked and had a computer or access to a computer at work, they might be worth a try too - if he looked at his accounts on them, they might have some sort of password stored for him...

So sorry to hear what you're going through -good luck in sorting it all out in the best way for you

missqwerty · 14/05/2015 22:07

Facebook will memorialise his account once they realise he has passed away, so block her whiles u can

Rivercam · 14/05/2015 22:14

So sorry for you loss.

ScorpioMermaid · 14/05/2015 22:50

My uncle contacted facebook after my grandpa died and had his account deactivated.

LastNightADJSavedMyLife · 15/05/2015 09:03

You get get books now from you FB pages, and show what you want included. They print it off and send it to you - maybe you could organise that for you son and then close the acct or set up a different page.

I take back what i said about contacting her - she can fuck off.

Original poster

Beachday · 15/05/2015 11:24

I didn't know you could get books.
I might do that

There's no way I could guess his password
I've asked for it to be reset, answered his security questions

If I can get in I'll just block or unfriend her. And the couple of her friends

If not, I'll contact FB and for access or memorial

I need to move on from her and her drama

OP posts:

Original poster

Beachday · 15/05/2015 11:27

If she ever gets in touch with me to ask, I'll just say I have to protect ds and mil.
She can then post whatever she wants wherever, there's just a couple of her friends, won't be connected to us or any family.

OP posts:

Original poster

Beachday · 15/05/2015 13:21

The more I think about it the more worked up I get

OP posts:

fortunately · 15/05/2015 13:25

That's bullshit done and a completely disingenuous interpretation of the advice on the relationships board.

bjrce · 15/05/2015 14:00

Don't be upsetting yourself Beachday, you have enough to deal with.

You owe her nothing but contempt.
Get the FB issue resolved ASAP and forget about her.

If she ever contacts you about anything tell her to fuck off, you don't have to explain anything to her.

We had issues with OW when my dad passed away and we have to inform the police.

Don't give her any more attention, she's not worth it.

I am sorry for what you are having to go through right now.

LastNightADJSavedMyLife · 15/05/2015 14:01

Link for book here

Original poster

Beachday · 15/05/2015 14:09

Today is not a good day
Feeling very lonely

OP posts:

frankie80 · 15/05/2015 14:09

Sounds like a password reset will work for you (new password will be sent to his email if you can get in there)

The book option is a social book.

Mypubesarestraight · 15/05/2015 14:12

She came to the funeral!!

So sorry for what you're going through OP

Original poster

Beachday · 15/05/2015 21:09

What a cow

OP posts:

DragonsCanHop · 15/05/2015 21:24

Wow I'm amazed at how selfish someone can be (her not you)

Can you access his email for a password reset?

Original poster

Beachday · 15/05/2015 21:34

Facebook have told me there's some sort of lock out period, 24 hrs

I pretended I had forgotten all details and answered his security questions, changed it to my email.

Will see if it works

OP posts:

Original poster

Beachday · 15/05/2015 21:38

Wrt his email
Hotmail gave me access, I sent them death cert and probate.
But they had to send it to me on a disc. I couldn't just logon.
It took me about 3 days to get it open with their crappy instructions.

Then it was so time consuming- nothing was in date order, probably 15 yrs worth of crappy emails.
I had to trawl through to find some tax info I needed.
So that's what happens with hotmail!

OP posts:

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 15/05/2015 21:47

No I wouldn't bother contacting her because however you hope it will go, it won't. She hasn't got a better nature when it comes to you, because if she had, she wouldn't have shown up to the funeral and she wouldn't still be posting on his page like a lovesick teenager. She has no shame, so don't try to shame her into it either.

When it comes to people saying "don't contact the OW" it is NOT to let her off the hook, it's because it almost never works out well for the wife. It's protection for the wife, not the OW. Occasionally it does work well - but it's too few times, and the risks of backlash are too high, for it to be generally recommended. Ideally of course, what we would all like is for the OW to be shamed into ending it, and the errant H to realise the error of his ways and come crawling back - but that very rarely happens. What is more likely is that the OW has a go at the errant H for allowing his wife to abuse her, and the H then abuses the wife for daring to approach the OW. Dignity loss all round. NOT worth it.

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