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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can I do FWB? Not sure

41 replies

Confusecom · 14/05/2015 16:48

I met a really nice guy online. We get on great but he doesn't want a relationship. He just wants to be FWB. It is good he has been honest with me but I am not sure I can do it. I don't want to let him go because we get on so well together. We have met once and there was a real physical attraction between us. We flirt most days and nights online, but then he goes quiet on me presumably because he is with other women. He asked me one day whether I got the picture he sent, I said no, he said I must have sent it to one of my other women. It seems to be so easy for him. I feel uncomfortable but then I am thinking maybe I should just enjoy it for what it is - just something physical when we get together

OP posts:

DuelingFanjo · 14/05/2015 16:49

Where did you meet him?

Were you on a dating site and if so then what was your reason for being on there?

Reading what you have said you sound too invested in him to have a 'just sex' relationship. Run as fast as you can.

Joysmum · 14/05/2015 16:54

You want him in your life for him, he wants you for sex. I think you'll get hurt.

00100001 · 14/05/2015 16:55

walk away!

00100001 · 14/05/2015 16:55

walk away!

GinSoakedBitchyPony · 14/05/2015 16:59

I don't want to let him go because we get on so well together.

This right here is the WORST POSSIBLE, yes I'm shouting, basis for starting a FWB relationship.
And anyway, you've only met him once, you can't possibly know that he's 'a really nice guy'.

Run.

Redglitter · 14/05/2015 16:59

It most definitely can work but you both need to be in it for the same reasons. I've had a very successful fwb set up for 3 years now but we discussed the ground rules before we started

it can work but it's not for everyone

Original poster

Confusecom · 14/05/2015 17:05

I met him through a group on Facebook so wasn't a dating site

OP posts:

Mum4Fergus · 14/05/2015 17:05

It absolutely can work...I've had one on and off for nearly 12 years (only when both single) and it works amazingly well. But appreciate its not for everyone...good luck x

GinSoakedBitchyPony · 14/05/2015 17:11

It can work.
But not when one person is saying things like "I dont want to let him go because we get on so well together " when they've only met once.
And say they feel uncomfortable about it (already).

SassyPasty · 14/05/2015 17:16

I had a great FWB relationship for a year - it did me the power of good I'd not long come out of a LTR and wanted a nice bit of company, a regular (good) sex life but without the real ties of a relationship. The 'friends' part of it was as important as the 'benefits'. We were very respectful of each other.

I don't think I could do FB, that is just a sexual relationship - a text or call when one or the other feels horny or maybe a regular arrangement for 'just' a shag would not appeal to me but it can of course for others.

You have to be true to yourself - what was your wish/intention when you joined the dating site? Don't settle for something other than what you intended and definitely don't go into this thinking you might change his mind once he gets to know you, you'll be driven mad by the silences in between the shags

Whatever you choose, good luck

whattodoforthebest2 · 14/05/2015 17:16

I'm in this situation myself and I'm trying to tell myself that I can stay detached when I know I can't and I'm getting hurt every time I see him. I think women tend to get emotionally involved much more easily than men and it really hurts when you get on brilliantly with someone, but they tell you time after time that they don't want a relationship and you're a really good friend. You want more and they don't. I'm trying to walk away now but I know it wouldn't take much for me to be straight back to square one. It's been 3 years.

SassyPasty · 14/05/2015 17:16

Cross post, sorry OP, assumed it was via OLD

sadwidow28 · 14/05/2015 17:19

I have never done FWB - so my bit of advice is:

"When in doubt, do nowt"

Don't do anything you are not totally comfortable with. You may change your mind a few more weeks/months down the line, but you are not there yet.

goddessofsmallthings · 14/05/2015 17:54

FWBs work for me, but I have no time or inclination for anything more than liaisons of this nature while you sound too emotionally needy to entertain any such relationship without becoming enmired in all-consuming thoughts of coupledom.

However, it seems to me you've alighted on a player with so many notches on his bedpost that only a couple of splinters are left and, as such, it's probable any relationship you fantasise about having having with him won't last much longer than a one night stand.

Why not be the one that got away and take time out to work on whatever issues you have which are causing you to romanticise/idolise men before you know whether they're truly worthy of you?

Note to Sassy: FWBS don't have to be purely about relieving the itch; they can be deep and meaningful friendships which, in another life, may result/have resulted in some lawful commitment/dc.

SassyPasty · 14/05/2015 18:18

goddessofsmallthings thank you for the note but that was the distinction I made - quite clearly I think by pointing out the 'friends' bit being as important as the 'benefits' bit. I know, I had such a set up.

FWB is not the same as FB (fuck buddy) and the two seem to get muddled on here

Original poster

Confusecom · 14/05/2015 18:25

goddessofsmallthings

You startled me by your post in a good way. You described me quite accurately

I do have some issues I need to work on

I do consider him to be a good friend, he has been honest about not wanting a relationship

I need to think carefully about what to do next

OP posts:

goddessofsmallthings · 14/05/2015 18:26

Apologies - I didn't spot your distinction, Sassy.

A fuck buddy is a different proposition to a FWB and is not an arrangement I'd be keen to enter into.

SassyPasty · 14/05/2015 18:32

No problem goddess my post was a bit waffly - I might have been reminiscing about the FWB whilst typing it

SouthWestmom · 14/05/2015 18:33

It's sad that you consider someone you've met once to be a good friend. Do you have other friends or proper friends? I really think this is a recipe for disaster - you already like him way more than he is prepared to relate to.

Original poster

Confusecom · 14/05/2015 18:40

We have chatted online for months and spoken on the phone quite a lot so I do consider him a good friend.

I don't have any other real friends I guess

I think I do like him too much, for him I am just one of many women. He did say to me, women ending up always wanting more

OP posts:

Findingme40 · 14/05/2015 18:48

I hope you don't mind me asking on this thread but in a FWB situation do you also go out on dates with that person?

goddessofsmallthings · 14/05/2015 18:48

Walk away from this one and if he starts to come on strong, you'll know that you were destined to becomeyet another scalp hanging from his belt.

Work on raising the bar whereby any prospective suitor has to measure up BEFORE you entertain them as potential love interests/partners.

It could be that you'd benefit from counselling to work out why you're so easily swayed by seemingly charming men - or, more probably, why you invest them with qualities they don't actually possess and venture into the realm of romantic fantasy far too early in any burgeoning relationship.

However, be aware that you could be a work in progress for a very long time during which period you're best advised to refrain from rushing in where angels fear to tread.

FWIW my Achilles heel is humour and I have been could easily be laughed into bed by undesirables, especially if the laughter is accompanied by . For this reason I no longer carry a spare pair of pants, makeup remover, toothbrush etc in my bag when I embark on a night out as this effectively puts a brake on any desire I may have to indulge in wanton behaviour

Lipgloss74 · 14/05/2015 18:51

Personally I couldn't do it, I'm worth more than just a quick fuck with someone who won't commit to a relationship with me. Too many problems would arise.
Tell him to get lost and wait for someone who wants all of you x

GinSoakedBitchyPony · 14/05/2015 18:52

He did say to me, women ending up always wanting more

See, he's already warning you off.Please let this one go.

SouthWestmom · 14/05/2015 18:58

Confuse - it wasn't a criticism, more a kind of have you invested too much? I would try to move on or not sleep with him and keep him as a friend. If that's possible? Move to going out for a beer and having a laugh?

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