Hating myself

[Zzzsnatcher]

hi
I've named changed recently as needed a refresh.
I've 2 DCs 2.5 and 9 weeks.
I've suffered from depression in the past. I've finished 18 months of counselling. I've had bouts of counselling in the past. (CBT).
My inner voice (I believe it's called?) tells me everyday that I hate myself. I will literally recall an embarrassing time and relive it and then my inner voice will tell me I hate myself, even out loud at times.
I suppose my self esteem is low. But I have a people person job, which I am on maternity leave for. I have a relationship with my DP, which hasn't been great since the birth of my first DC.
Do others have a negative inner voice, what can I do about it?. I do feel it's not as bad when it's a sunny day or if I'm with close family.
I'd love to enjoy the space in my head more especially with young children, IYKWIM as the odd moment I get without them ie the shower, if I'm lucky, then I don't want to spend it fighting with this hatred I have for myself.
I was talking to my DP about something, can't remember exactly, but it got onto finding people embarrassing, I said I've never felt embarrassed by him in public, he's always chatty and lovely, but I joked that I found him embarrassing when he was drunk. he seemed shocked that I hadn't found him embarrassing sober and now I can't stop thinking that he has found me embarrassing and that has made me relive times with him in public that I could have embarrassed myself. This has exasperated it more.
Sorry I feel I'm rambling.
I have a good relationship with my mum but she was very critical when I grew up.
Does anyone have any advice, insight into this inner dialogue, how I could get rid of it, is is normal?

Ni. I have no idea. But my inner voice speaks fir the whole world and beats me with a big stick with rusty nails in the end.

I think it speaks the truth.

My mother also put it there. I have no idea how to silence it. You're not on your own though x

FolkGirl I'm sorry you have the same. Have you tried to get rid of it? Can it be silenced?

I have the same voice OP (and strangely enough was analysing it this morning thinking how silly it is), sometimes I say things out loud to myself too. This has almost been embarrassing.
Exercise has helped me, positive self talk. I had a smother mother (narc?); this led me to believe I couldn't suceed at anything and am pretty useless. And shame and guilt is ingrained.
Some days are much better than others and I can laugh it off and 'talk down' that little naughty imp that's saying those negative things.
I'm not sure what the answer is - I've had CBT, DBT, hypnotherapy and only time I truly beat it is when I get off the running machine (hurting) doing interval training.
My DC are a bit older than yours and I find the conversations with them and chatter really helps bring me out. I also have a very outgoing job. But I realise they are distractions.
Sorry if that's not much help, but I know how you feel

I've had counselling, but that didn't silence it.

I've posted on here before because I hope that strangers countering it might be useful. It isn't really.

Some of my friends try telling me it's nonsense, but whethings are really bad, I'm more likely to want to cut them out for lying to me than believe them.

I have relationships with crappy men I know don't care about me because I don't feel I deserve any better, and if I meet someone decent, I dump them because I feel l owe it to them to do so! I feel like most people deserve better than to have me inflicted upon them.

Thank you for the replies.
I used to exercise for short while before I got pregnant and actually looking back that helped me a lot, although I still have a cringe moment at the gym which I relive which makes myself feel crap. The moment was only chatting to someone I knew there and I felt I said the wrong thing!
I'm planning to exercise soon.

Do you think it's depression? Low self esteem? Anxiety? Or combination?
My friends don't know how I feel. I have friends but I'm not totally open with them.
I was bullied for years by people I thought were my friends til late 20s. I'm erly 30s now.
That's probably another reason for my problems.

Do you think it's depression? Low self esteem? Anxiety? Or combination?

I have always been a people pleaser - so a 'throw-away' comment at a party would have me analysing for days. When DH was a live, he would help me to 'put it in persepective'.

(I had a high-powered job by the way - it was my personal relationships I had no confidence in at all. I have had low-esteem and depression since being about 15 years old. When I was diagnosed, my birth mother argued with the doctor.)

Since DH died in 2001, I have to manage these situations myself (after lots of counselling). I now decide that I can't fix it tonight, so I will sleep and think again tomorrow. (Sorry - I can't remember my strategies for putting it out of my mind - but I can do it. I do tend to walk the dog a lot when I need to empty my head.)

Then I consider - is this situation REALLY going to make my life worse/better? I often come up with a compromise (this might take 2 weeks - by which time I am exhausted!)

I don't think I will ever be truly better - but learning how to cope is my target every day. Thank goodness I have a dog who likes walking, running on a beach and exploring forests. But he is now nearly 16 years old and I know that one day I will have to do it on my own again.

I'm the same.

Sometimes I think the only way I'll get any peace from it is when I'm dead. Some days I can't wait.

I had this when I lived with a very critical partner. I moved out and it stopped. I think if it was your mum who was critical, you might have internalized her voice.
Therapy.

I was bullied for years by people I thought were my friends til late 20s. I'm erly 30s now.

I suspect this is where that critical voice comes from. I have a similar history (though the bullying was at a younger age, in my case) and a similarly critical internal voice.

I too have a critical inner voice, I think a lot of people do but lucky people some just naturally seem to be able to shrug it off.
I think if you have internalised a parents (I won't assume it's a mother) criticism at an early age it is much more difficult to combat. However it is possible with lots of help.
There is evidence that the neural pathways in the brain can be opened up to transmit positive thoughts in the same way that re-inforced negative thoughts open up neural pathways over time, like well worn tracks.
However the longer you have been thinking this way the more work it will take to reverse it.
Therapy is the answer.

some lucky people

You have lifetime ahead of you to build new thought patterns. The "I hate myself" pathway has been going strong for years, though, so it will take time and effort before a new train of thought gains the upper hand.

For a while I would try to counter every statement by the inner voice with what I thought was its opposite, "I love myself", but that just made me squirm even more. What I've now found does work better as an antidote is "There's nothing wrong with me" or "I trust myself", and of course the usual CBT techniques.

That's for stopping the thought in the moment. In order to go deeper and try to strip it out at its roots, my therapist tells me to examine what purpose is being served by that negative voice. Obviously, it's toxic and misguided, but there's some reason it pops up: usually as a twisted kind of self-protection mechanism.

Exercise, mindfulness, engagement in positive tasks, and the company of good people, also tend to keep you mentally healthy, so the negative voice can't pop up as much, when you're feeling stronger than it is. Obviously it preys on you more when you're weakened by other stuff, or when you're practising poor self care.

Congratulations on your pregnancy, btw!

I can indentify with a lot of what you say, I tend to obsess over embaressing things that happened years ago, times I've felt stupid, times I've felt slighted by others, etc. I also obsess about how stupid, useless and worthless other people think I am, It's negative thoughts and you can end up dwelling on it for hours. There is a series of self help CBT books, the Overcoming series, anxiety, excessive worry etc, They are not a miracle cure but I find them helpful. I can accept they are just negative thoughts and try to let them pass by, though its not easy.

Hi, it might be worth reading about shame and intrusive thoughts. The main book recommendation for shame is "The shame that binds you". It's very well-known, highly recommended but I just couldn't get on with it and gave up after about 3 pages.

Intrusive thoughts - you may find that Mindfulness helps. I think that the big idea is not to try to repress them. Just acknowledge them, "Hmm, that's one of those intrusive thoughts". Perhaps "breath in to it" - deep breath, accept the thought, exhale.

Another thought process is to remember the shameful, embarrassing memory - project it in full colour with the volume turned up. Focus on the details. And then imagine it shrinking, getting quieter, going black-and-white, getting fuzzy and blurred... I've had this help once. It worked but I didn't enjoy it.

And of course I'll highly recommend you looking in to Transactional Analysis. Because I always do

I also wanted to suggest you examine the thoughts. "I hate myself". Do you really? Can you think of times that you look after yourself lovingly? Brushing your hair, eating some fruit, exercising, using moisturiser... perhaps you could practice more positive affirmations "I feel happy", "I accept myself".

Sometimes I think the only way I'll get any peace from it is when I'm dead. Some days I can't wait

Yes I'm the same. Those thoughts have become a lot louder recently too.

I've had 40 years of feeling like this. I don't even know how to start. I can't afford therapy. The thought of continuing existing like this terrifies me. It's impacting on my ability to work and even just live as an adult.

I know this isn't helping you! I don't have anything useful to say. Just want you to know you're not alone. X

I'm not sure why people always say that the voice is wrong or to finda way of squashing it or drowning it out.

What if the voice is right?

Oh, FolkGirl. I'm sorry you're feeling so low.

There have been suggestions to acknowledge the negative voice and let it pass, or challenge it, or replace it with a counter-thought, ...

We all know from experience that it's not going away completely, and it's just a matter of learning how to live with it.

But I can't think of any situation where thinking self-destructive thoughts is right or correct. If your children / friends / partner do something foolish or wrong, do you tell them you hate them? Is that the correct response? Or do you react with some version of "Oh well that wasn't the right way to handle that situation, now was it."

You can be similarly constructive and accepting with yourself, while acknowledging what you may have done wrong.

"that wasn't the best way to handle that situation", even.

There are other people who feel the same!! I relive embarrassing or cringe-worthy events from all through my life. The smallest thing can trigger it. I have an instrinistic low self esteem, if you see what I mean. At 40 I know that I am intelligent, good company, good mother, etc. but deep down i guess I don't. I had a very critical mother. We have a great relationship now. But when I was younger EVERYTHING I did was wrong. I irritated the living daylights out of her. I guess I am hard-wired now to assume that I am worthless to everyone. Family still goes on about how useless and annoying I was to this day (at the age of 40!). But I am self-aware enough to know that actually I am an alright decent nice person. (I am very good at empathy and self-awareness - i know these things are supposed to be positive traits but they have definitely led to over-sensitivity in my csse). My subconscious let's me down though all the time. I sometimes wonder what I and my life would have been like if I had been treated with more love and affection. But I don't blame my mum. She was too young and it was the 70's. People on the whole didn't believe in being overly nice to their kids. DH suffered the same but from his dad.

Some schools of therapy actually use the term "inner child" rather than "inner voice". And believe these feelings you have are those of the hurt child which you have internalised. Rather than CBT, perhaps Person Centred Counselling would be more helpful to you.

Also, maybe a visit to your GP might help, and a short course of AD's.

Well my voice has moved on from the things I've said or done. It's my very existence that it criticises now.

I'm really struggling at the moment.

I hope you find some way of dealing with it and some peace, op. X

Sorry for the huge post, but it is cathartic to talk about it. My main worry is that when I am old I will only remember the stupid silly things. When in fact lots of lovely things have happened in my life and I will be worrying about a gazpacho soup incident (red dwarf reference) when I am 90.

Anyway, after all that self-centered waffle. My solution: mindfulness meditation really really does help. It retains the brain to sieve out the bad stuff. The bugger though is that you have to it constantly to keep the bad thoughts at bay. I use head space downloaded on to my phone. I am having a stressful time at work, so am being too tired to do it. The bad thoughts are back.

I could go on about this all day. Feel like Bridget Jones. Number of minutes having bad thoughts, number of minutes analysing bad thoughts.

Zzzz and everyone I hope you find a way to work through it. I am also sure that you are all really nice people. My theory is that people who suffer from this have a lot of empathy and care a lot about other people that is why they are so sensitive to other people and their opinions.

I do that thing with recalling embarrassing things too... and when I think of it logically, they arn't really that bad but they will keep me up in the middle of the night worrying and years later I'll remember and worry again.

My lack of confidence cost me my degree (I got to the final placement passed all assignments and exams, couldn't do the final clinical placement).

The only advice I have really is try and look at what you are criticising yourself for logically and try and look at it from the other person's point of view (if someone had done/ said what you said to you... would it seem that bad?)

Thanks all.
I am about to process the order for the shame book.
I'm totally shattered, going to sleep and reply and reread this thread tomorrow