Hating myself

[Zzzsnatcher]

hi
I've named changed recently as needed a refresh.
I've 2 DCs 2.5 and 9 weeks.
I've suffered from depression in the past. I've finished 18 months of counselling. I've had bouts of counselling in the past. (CBT).
My inner voice (I believe it's called?) tells me everyday that I hate myself. I will literally recall an embarrassing time and relive it and then my inner voice will tell me I hate myself, even out loud at times.
I suppose my self esteem is low. But I have a people person job, which I am on maternity leave for. I have a relationship with my DP, which hasn't been great since the birth of my first DC.
Do others have a negative inner voice, what can I do about it?. I do feel it's not as bad when it's a sunny day or if I'm with close family.
I'd love to enjoy the space in my head more especially with young children, IYKWIM as the odd moment I get without them ie the shower, if I'm lucky, then I don't want to spend it fighting with this hatred I have for myself.
I was talking to my DP about something, can't remember exactly, but it got onto finding people embarrassing, I said I've never felt embarrassed by him in public, he's always chatty and lovely, but I joked that I found him embarrassing when he was drunk. he seemed shocked that I hadn't found him embarrassing sober and now I can't stop thinking that he has found me embarrassing and that has made me relive times with him in public that I could have embarrassed myself. This has exasperated it more.
Sorry I feel I'm rambling.
I have a good relationship with my mum but she was very critical when I grew up.
Does anyone have any advice, insight into this inner dialogue, how I could get rid of it, is is normal?

OP, I can relate to a lot of what you're saying. Someone (might have been on MN) recently recommended a book called Inner Bonding: becoming a loving parent to your inner child. It sounds a bit New Age-y (but it's not) and I haven't read it yet but people are raving about it on Amazon and it sounds like it could be a good read. Keep posting!

I have this voice. I too sometimes say 'I hate myself' out loud. I too had a critical intolerant Mother. It's a real bugger when the core of you is a bit wonky, even if you 'know' the rest of you is acceptable, good even.

I find meditation and exercise really help. You can download the Headspace app and the first 10 days are free. It's only 10 minutes, but it's a bit of peace.

I haven't run for 3 weeks for various reasons and the voice is back with a vengeance!

Op, same here, all the time for a long time! Had very supportive, loving parents who made certain that I had desired opportunities. This "thing" just seemed to fall on me in my late teen and early adult years. And I've it had ever since. I don't know a single soul who has this specific kind of internal dialog; I finally accepted it years ago and it's made me, I think, a more understanding and strangely grateful person (I guess for the small happinesses in life that mean so much) and given me a bit more of an individual outlook on life -- but it still feels so unfair! I really do still hate it so much! I do rely on an AD (took a long, very frustrating finding right one). From what I understand, from professionals and own research, it's probably endogenous and part of an affective disorder, getting worse or better with positive and negative experiences as mood fluctuates, and certainly has much in common with free floating anxiety. I wish you the best, sincerely, and hope that you can find something to help you. I can't give too many details but I have managed to overcome it most of the time. Activities, creative outlets, time spent with people you love, anything that keeps your mind engaged help very much.

Just reread my post -- I should have said that MY issue is probably endogenous and part of an affective disorder, with the accompanying depression; everyone is different, of course. Also, it HAS affected my career and career decisions (haven't accomplished what everyone expected I would), due to the daily battle with this thing, although overall on paper my employment history doesn't look so very bad. Again, I wish you and all the other posters the best and a little peace of mind.

(haven't accomplished what everyone expected I would)

I wonder, Lala, if that's still just the negative voice talking. Who's this "everyone"? Do they really think you "should" have achieved more, or is that thought actually just coming from you? If a friend had achieved the same things as you have professionally, what would you think of her achievements?

Goats, thanks for your question. You're right, really. I'm the one who is embarrassed and ashamed that I didn't achieve the professional and financial status of my peers because of all the advantages and opportunities that I had that so many people didn't and don't. I feel that I achieved the absolute minimum (or less) given the gifts I can't complete this sentence just feel sick. I almost feel that it's some kind of character flaw. I would have liked to have made my children's lives easier which may be one of the most ridiculous things I've ever typed considering the facts (easy compared to what/whom?). Feeling a little better now!

I read your question above re what purpose this constant beating oneself up fulfills. That's interesting I was actually wanting to ask the posters on this thread if they ever felt that this was a bit of an OCD issue thrown in with the depression, etc. (but felt I'd already gone on too much!) I am a bit obsessive but don't have any true compulsive behaviors. However, I think I've developed the feeling or thought that if I worry I can advoid being blindsided by something bad happening which sounds like a little reverse magical thinking, to my mind. It does seem that when I let my mental guard down against myself and the "what if's" and "anticipating" behaviors that something always happens -- coincidence or perhaps my not picking up on cues. Obviously I'm not causing things to happen or not happen! Maybe just trying to always be ready. I'm sure we all on here stay in state heightened awareness. Do you,Goats, OP, or any other posters have these particular thoughts? Now I feel that I've make myself sound like a loon!

I was actually wanting to ask the posters on this thread if they ever felt that this was a bit of an OCD issue

Well, self-hatred definitely appears to me to be a way of regaining (the illusion of) control: "Why has this thing gone wrong for me? Oh, it's because I suck, that explains it!"

Same mechanism at play when you say: "I've developed the feeling or thought that if I worry I can advoid being blindsided by something bad happening." You're trying to gain (illusory) control over "bad things happening".

The way I see it in my particular case this will sound very Freudian is that I needed to establish a reason in babyhood why my mother didn't love and care for me. I had 2 choices: Mother is bad and wrong. I am bad and wrong. I chose the second, because it felt a whole lot safer to believe that the god-like figure that my welfare depended on was infallible.

Then the thought became ingrained. And is still a "useful" go-to mechanism to feel in control about failure, and the bad things that happen in life. "Oh, it's because I'm all wrong! Phew, it all makes sense now."

[cont'd]

To the extent that now the thought that "I am bad and wrong" has become some kind of fucked up shield, and so I no longer trot it out when things go wrong: No, I actively hold it as a constant thought, and then find the events that prove it right. Self-sabotage then becomes another prop to this shielding belief. You all know how this goes.

I think all of us on this thread are doing that. It's so sad. Because we would never, ever inflict such harsh treatment on anyone else, would we?

Oh, and an aside to the OP: I congratulated you on your pregnancy upthread, when you've actually had your DC2 9 weeks ago. Now that I read your OP a bit more carefully. So I'll retract that and replace it with congratulations on the birth of your new baby!

The "magical thinking" rings bells with me. I feel very much everything has to go right. If it doesn't I'm a terrible person, relive the mistake over and over, cringe with shame every time it pops up. Even stuff from 30 years ago, and like a toothache, I feel the need to test the pain every so often. I feel if I get everything right, I'm an OK person.

And yy to the achieving thing. If I make a mistake at all, or don't get things 100% right, I tend to quit whatever it is out of embarrassment that everyone will think I'm crap and move on to a new thing where I don't know anyone and have a clean slate, so to speak.

I am a bit of a control freak too, so yy to the OCD stuff. If everything is right, then everything is OK.

I used to think I was a nice person. I'm coming to the conclusion I'm not. I just fuck things up and hurt people.

Goats and Micah, thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences. It seems as if we are all carrying the same burden. Yes to "I hold it as a constant thought, and then find the events to prove it wrong" Goats, so true and, Micah, i also feel that only if I get everything right am I okay -- I've also done the "clean slate" dance a great number of times over the years due to the pain and inability to continue on. I've gone through a number of instances in which a few years of "building" success at an endeavor is sabotaged bit by bit by the increasing misery of the symptoms.

Years ago I endured some traditional, classic "talk" therapy in which it was indicated that a psychological "fear of success" and or maybe even "fear of authority" (that last being totally laughable) was in play. Since then, apparently it has been realized that for many specific types of mental/emotional conditions that this type of therapy is not only not helpful but can be actually VERY damaging as the patient internalizes more self-blame, as his/her every thought, action is picked apart and examined and attributed to what could only be seen by the patient as an type of "immature" or stunted developmental attitude toward facing life which is not the issue or the cause.

Thank you, OP, for bringing up this subject. It's strange I will talk about most anything at length in real life but I have never told a single living soul until now that I literally have a running "I hate myself" in my mind or find myself actually saying "I hate myself" out loud when I'm alone. I feel so sorry for all of us, but this has given me so much comfort. Thanks everyone, and may we all try to learn to love ourselves a little better (just like we do others). Everyone on this thread seems to be so self-aware and knowledgeable and caring -- it's an indication that our thoughts are completely WRONG about us!

TBH I am really happy that this thread happened. I too wondered whether I was the only person going around saying "I hate myself" to myself, sometimes even out loud.

Hooray, we're normal

Oh, and yy here too to quitting things out of embarrassment, then feeling eternal shame about it, and seeking new "clean slates". And also to believing that perfection is the only acceptable standard, of course!

My sister and I call our inner self-critical voice our "gremlin". I visualise it as a naughty and destructive furry creature (really!) that is housed inside me, along with the healthier voices of self-care. It acts up sometimes, creates damage that I need to clear up. And, short of taming it, I can learn its ways, recognise when it's about to blow, practice doing the things that divert it...

I accept that it's a part of me, or at least an infestation that I'm not rid of, but it's a part of me that I can manage, and that doesn't have to take centre stage. iyswim. I find that visualising the self-hatred helps to de-dramatize and manage it better.

I'm so pleased, well pleased we've got a thread but not pleased that others suffer.
I've told my DP what happens but he doesn't understand. If upbringing is a contributing factor then this may be relevant, he had a very attentive DM and DF who praised him constantly,
Sorry I've gotta go baby crying! I'm struggling to find time to write what I want on this thread.
Will be back as soon as I can

This is a really timely thread for me! I've got a shitty backstory (which I won't go in to now) but net result is lots of feeling not good enough and on a perpetual journey to be better. My work is everything and I place a disproportionate amount of importance on being a 'success'. Which can flip to very dark times when things are tough.

Started counselling a couple of months ago. My counsellor is awesome and very focused on this notion of your inner child. I despise speaking about my (unhappy) childhood, but it's helping me realise why I am like I am, and find ways to cope.

She asked me today to list all of the things I love about my DH. Trotted off mahoosive list of why he's epic, then she asked me to list why he loves me. I managed "because I'm funny". Before dying of embarrassment. And genuinely not being able to think if anything.

She then said "do you not think that he probably loves you for many of the same reasons you love him?" And I thought she was bonkers.

My homework for this week is that every time I think positive things about someone, I need to think of something they probably like about me. It's going to be tough but I HAVE to try! I'm doing this all to be a better mother to my boys.

I hope this doesn't sound like a stealth boast.

I used to suffer this negative self talk daily. I have been free of it almost completely for about 10 years.

The voice was certainly put there by my parents, who both abused me in different ways.

A key thing for me is that I found it very uncomfortable to receive praise or to congratulate myself on anything. I would feel very anxious and as if something bad was going to happen. I realise this was due to a Greek chorus in my memory chanting
"Pride goes before a fall"
"Don't get too big for your boots"
"You need taking down a peg or two"

After meeting my H and being with someone who loved me and praised me verbally every day, and who helped me unpick these thoughts, I can now handle any which creep back in. I have also cut my mum out of my life which has made me feel much stronger. Sadly my H died a few years ago. If I had never met him I do not think I would be here today.

I created the attached image some years ago which illustrates how I visualised that voice. The Devil on my Shoulder.

I too can sign up to this thread.

There is NOTHING I like about myself. Nothing I do will every be "good enough"

I can even do all the positive thinking stuff/exercises in the world but it doesn't seem to work because I don't believe it. After several years of being in a better frame of mind it came crashing down - all I'd done is create a happier "veneer" but underneath I hadn't changed my inner belief one iota.

I find criticism and praise equally utterly painful to hear/read.

I don't seem to have any sense of "self"

pocket and Random, I thought I was finished posting on here (felt I'd said enough) but your remarks on praise resonated with me. Until this thing became entrenched, I accepted and enjoyed (and gave) praise, as we all should. But somewhere along the line this became twisted into thinking wow, this part is hard to express clearly that accomplishments with the accompanying praise should/would occur as a natural result, arising kind of organically from a whole, normal, "accomplished" core person. So now when I receive real, personal praise, I'm so (too) grateful and relieved temporarily -- or, if it's for some "unearned" attribute, I just mentally reject it, thinking, well, "you have no idea" or "if you only knew." Such a thief of joy!

I can't accept any praise what so ever, it feels so condescending...

I also really really struggle to the level it makes my skin crawl when I see or hear others boasting about their dc. I do praise my dc but probably for the things they have worked for, or good attitude and usually ask the how they feel/what they think. Ensuring they are proud of themselves rather than needing my praise.

I can't take praise from my DP. I praise my DC so much. I keep telling her "you know mummy loves you" as I want her to feel loved. I think I grew up not feeling loved, feeling like a disappointment and feeling like a nuisance. I have a shocking temper that erupts quickly, but usually as a defence to defend off any criticism before I can actually realise it may or may not be.
Ha I was just inturupted by DP who said you look pretty today. My reaction was he's just saying it as he feel obliged. I said oh ive got puffy eyes though. I've not said thank you. And I don't believe what he's saying.
My five mins on my own in shower- my thoughts were about how my sisters use me and how I'm quick to help them but they don't return the favours at all. Carried on with the voice "I hate myself I hate myself".
I'm feeling defensive today and very much hating myself. Hoping the sun will make me feel better.
My mum was critical but we have a very good relationship now. So I don't hate her for it, she had a critical mum. I will break the cycle and hope to not be a critical mother to my DCs

I've been googling found this website
m.fastcompany.com/3032508/how-to-mute-your-negative-inner-dialogue