Erectile dysfunction

[AmINeedy]

Hi
My partner and I have been together two years and initially there were a few attempts at sex, I prefer saying making love, but after the first few attempts it was apparent he was having problems . My bloke was devastated as he'd been a very virile male, lots of previous partners and a very macho man. He'd given up smoking and gained weight by the time I'd met him, he was divorced but the ladies still chased him.
As weeks turned into months and now 2 years, I really don't know how to broach this subject as my partner has acknowledged all his manhood desires have died,he says he finds me attractive and hates me hiding my body when I get changed but he has lost all sexual desire .
He's had blood tests, all ok, no reason at all for no sex. He was given the blue pills over a year ago and now I'm scared to even suggest trying them.
He is a lovely man, he holds me all night long when I stay at his house but he avoids any conversation about S.E.X. And I avoid touching him any where near his privates in case he panicked .
We are 53 and 55, I'm too young to not be passionate with the man I Love, no I don't expect Rampant Sex but I'd love to share the amazing feelings making love to someone you love can stir.
Please help me to find a way to help my partner open the door to some thing that's a natural desire to share , other wise I'll spend my life just accepting our situation and wondering why I can't get my partner to even want to try to address this ,,,,
Why doesn't he have any desire at all?
I feel old and ugly when I'm told often I look a lot younger than I am ,
How can I mend this?

OP, I think you have given your hostage to fortune with your declarations of love to him, IYSWIM.

The bottom line is - what has changed after your conversation? Did he make a sincere apology and a proper commitment to address the problem? Did he empathise with you about how those two years have been for you?

You say he has thought that it might be better if he was alone, so can I ask, why is he with you?

If you're happy with a sexless relationship then I guess it's okay? It seems pretty clear to me. He doesn't have ED, he just doesn't have a sex drive.

If you're happy going without sex then good on you, it's not a choice I could make.

So nothing has changed, he wont address it and you will continue to go without a sex life, not a solution at all then, I could no way be content with this, I guess we don't all feel the need to have a sex life, I thought that was exactly what you were wanting-what did he say about how this affects you, seems to be all about him and his pity.

Nothing changed. Except his back facing me as we slept until last night then I got hugs,,,,nothing changed. I don't know which I give up, him or an intimate relationship for good but I only want my intimate relationship with him :(:)

I'm sad for you and what you could have.

OP, you may feel that I am harping on, but it is to encourage you to look at your situation realistically.

DP will always have his back to you, physically and metaphorically by denying responsibility for his condition and his wider attitude.

DP can't or won't have sex with you, and just because you love him is really not going to change that.
Therefore, if you want a sexual relationship ever again it will have to be with someone else.
It is your emotional attachment to DP that is keeping you becalmed in the toxic sea of your relationship with him?

Is that appropriate bearing in mind what you have at the moment is essentially a friendship - hampered by expectations on your part?

Therefore IMO it would help you to work on why you are in that relationship with DP - what does he give you that you would never find elsewhere? Because I believe until you can address that dependancy issue you will find it hard to move on in any direction.

I hope you will take my comments in the spirit they are meant and that whatever happens you find yourself able to move forward towards a resolution for you. All the best.

FreaMayor thank you and I understand where you are coming from.

This person and I met when I wasn't interested in looking for anyone , we met under unlikely circumstances.
I'm old fashioned in my ways but I chose to see this person and contacted him in the instance .
I didn't want to settle down with anyone after a failed marriage and I just took things as they came and I'm still that way now.
We see each other regularly but the thought of commitment because of this issue means I'm holding back considering moving in together .
I'm a very laid back person and I understand as we get older these issues affect both sexes and having had lady problems myself a few years back and not feeling clean because I was constantly flooding in public too and during sex I know what it's like to feel sad because we can't or don't want to take part.
My ex a really lovely husband and father and I mean that, he had an affair while this was happening,the circumstances really didn't have anything to do with my situation but it made me reflect on how I still was intimate when I didn't want to and a situation still occurred.
I guess I'm worried about my blokes feelings and I promise you, why am I attached , because I truly love this man. He's not the type of bloke you'd match me with but there truly is a lot of respect between us,we look out for each other and I'd like to think if I was in the same situation he'd be as I am,though I do know that wouldn't be the case.
I don't think it's about his hold over me or my attachment to him that I can't let go as I know at 53 he's the first person I've really felt at ease with and bake to confront or talk with.
I think I hate to hurt people's feelings on this subject , in my mind I think at 53 this could be me having the issues.
Truly it's like leaving someone because they have something wrong with them or they are poor and it majes life difficult.

Sadly though after what I thought was a heart felt discussion where he agreed and wanted to get close,the door has been closed as he's lived with this for so long off and in that he's scared to death and can't take the humiliation again.

It's a learning curve and something I could do without at the moment but much of my up bringing really is the issue and living this man for who he is........in my mind I know I will either stay this way with him and we don't move on together or there is a change or attempts and then and only then can I consider a future as until then our relationship is of friends who just meet up.again this he doesn't understand ,why I won't live with him but I can't be so cruel as I know he'd be up set .
Luckily after the first year without being intimate I'm used to not thinking about it and the solitary option is too cold and clinical for me ??:)

Does he have a porn addiction? ED is a common sign.

Is he overweight, high blood pressure, diabetes, taking medication?
I know they said his testosterone was normal but wondering if he could get a low dose cream to try and see if he gets a boost from it.

It's not like you have commitments together, why the fuck are you wasting your precious life years on this?

It's highly likely that he lied about all his previous partners and this mythical sexual vigour he supposedly has. God knows what the issue is, maybe he's asexual, maybe closeted gay, maybe he has some very fringe "likes" (given what you said about his response to your argument) whatever it is, he isn't interested in normal heterosexual relations and it's time that you put yourself first and got out of this sham relationship.

You are worth so much more than hanging about to make some guy feel better about himself whilst he quite happily makes you feel total rubbish.

Have you thought that maybe he is feeling a bit apprehensive about taking the Viagra?

Personally I would explain to him that the lack of intimacy was upsetting you and that you would really like him to give the pills a try.

Maybe suggest he takes half a pill to start (assuming he has been given the 100mg tablets) wait for an hour and go for a cuddle, no pressure.

If his problem is purely ED (which it was for me brought on by SSRIs) I imagine half a Viagra and a cuddle with someone you love could bring about an amazing transformation ;)

If not then maybe the issue is less about ED and more about intimacy, personal issues related to sex.

Either way you need to get this addressed together before it begins to fester.

If it was me I would run and run some more. He is not facing the facts. He is not willing to take part in alternative sexual closeness.

This thread is from 2015.

'As I said to him, we'll see where this goes and just go with the flow.'

This is all very well but you need to see signs he's doing stuff to help himself, you and the relationship. He needs to be trying the viagra or at least doing something.

You've been 'going with the flow' for ages and it's meant nothings been happening- he needs to commit to some sort of tangible attempt to improve things by doing something- the most obvious would be the viagra, as his doctor has prescribed it, but at least some attempt at sexual intimacy.

Of course, everyone's different OP and your feelings will vary, but if it were me that is what I'd want to see- a commitment from him to make an effort and evidence of it in what he says he's going to do and what he does.