Erectile dysfunction

[AmINeedy]

Hi
My partner and I have been together two years and initially there were a few attempts at sex, I prefer saying making love, but after the first few attempts it was apparent he was having problems . My bloke was devastated as he'd been a very virile male, lots of previous partners and a very macho man. He'd given up smoking and gained weight by the time I'd met him, he was divorced but the ladies still chased him.
As weeks turned into months and now 2 years, I really don't know how to broach this subject as my partner has acknowledged all his manhood desires have died,he says he finds me attractive and hates me hiding my body when I get changed but he has lost all sexual desire .
He's had blood tests, all ok, no reason at all for no sex. He was given the blue pills over a year ago and now I'm scared to even suggest trying them.
He is a lovely man, he holds me all night long when I stay at his house but he avoids any conversation about S.E.X. And I avoid touching him any where near his privates in case he panicked .
We are 53 and 55, I'm too young to not be passionate with the man I Love, no I don't expect Rampant Sex but I'd love to share the amazing feelings making love to someone you love can stir.
Please help me to find a way to help my partner open the door to some thing that's a natural desire to share , other wise I'll spend my life just accepting our situation and wondering why I can't get my partner to even want to try to address this ,,,,
Why doesn't he have any desire at all?
I feel old and ugly when I'm told often I look a lot younger than I am ,
How can I mend this?

Did you say he had an affair because his wife wasnt forthcoming, meaning she wouldnt sleep with him? IF that is what you meant then aside from the fact that he cheated it shows that he thinks a mans sexual needs are more important than a womans.

Because he is expecting you to go without even though he cheated when he was in the same situation. Of course if thats not what you meant then he is not a misogynistic hypocrite.

Why do you even want sex with a man who has been unfaithful?

So sorry OP, ED is a living hell for the unaffected partner. I fear you can't open the door to any change anymore because of two years of learned behaviour. For your DP the relationship is based on a very close comfy friendship for him and he's absolutely ok with that while you are dying inside.

I understand very well how you are feeling, but let me cheer you up considerably I hope when I tell you that in your next relationship you will, all likelihood, be with someone who fancies the pants off you and demonstrates it. It's not you to blame, which I'm willing to wager, but right now your DP is reaping the benefit of your sentiment, the hopes and dreams you had for you both.

No matter how much you love your DP, any future sexual relationship in your life is not going to be with him, dear OP, not in a million years. I know it's tough to believe that someone you love so much could treat you like this, but that's what ED that is swept under the carpet does.

Free yourself from this relationship, you may mourn and cry a lot at first, as you may realise that I did, but there is a different world, planet even, waiting for you - if you will grasp it. Love and sex in a relationship are entirely natural, normal and yes, it really does exist and you don't have to live with this torture - unless of course you really want to.

And just to add, IME exDP asked to stay friends. No sah. Surely a friend is not someone who would let another fall in love with them under false pretences?

So, with all his marriages and affairs perhaps he's wanting peace and quiet lol, doesn't help you much though does it.

Hi Needy, Has he had all the right blood tests? I was in a very similar position a few years ago and the doctor actually said that he had tried every blood test and there were no sign of a problem. Then in a flash of inspiration he said “we have not done a testosterone blood test” and sure enough I was found to be exceedingly low, almost non-existent. I now apply a gel to my shoulder every other day and the results were instantaneous, in fact, I sometimes think the ‘boss’ wished the doctor hadn’t found the answer. It’s worth asking about.

Justanotherman, he had the testosterone test a few months ago because he was feeling low, I went to his GP with him over something different and while the doctor was filling in the form for his blood test I suggested they test his levels, all came back Normal.

Jan 55, that has crossed my mind as I also feel his issues may have started long before I came on the scene as I've seen herbal remedies , tablets bought on the internet to increase virility. I feel maybe his attempts previously maybe why his last relationship broke down and maybe now he's drawn a line and adjusted to this life after so long.

FredaMayor
You wrote exactly what my head and heart have told me, your reasoning is in my mind but I can't go off to find someone new to fill what I don't have my my present partner.
I wish I could but to me that would be cheapening the sex with someone else and my relationship now , and I am scared to leave a person because of a disability , what if it was me, what if he'd been injured and couldn't ?
I work where people become paralysed for different reasons , many still seek to please their oartners though they themselves don't feel anything but they feel the connection from their heart for someone they love and that fills them with passion.

I've had to divorce a few years ago from a person I loved because of their secret life, what ever they do the love never dies and we remained friends .
I could never take him back but I am aware of how it feels to have to end a relationship where you truly love someone because of something you couldn't live with,,,,,,,,,in comparison this is a tiny problem though soul destroying for me,,,,I can't justify ending my relationship with this man , it would break my heart more than grieving the lack of sex.

Guess I answered my own question :) xx

Is his job stressful.

It's not medical so its got to be emotional. Does he get nocturnal erections?

I have noticed he doesn't get any erections , not in the middle of the night, nothing first thing in the morning,,,nothing at all.
The last time I noticed was last August and we'd had a row , that's the last time I've seen any arousal , I could try to hold his man hood and nothing, dead as a dodo :(

He's always had a stressful job but for the last 5 years he's been retired from the police force and now self employed and chooses when to do his work .

Ahh. Very stressful job he was in then. Could he have some form of mild post traumatic stress situation. If he has done and seen some of the horrific things my husband has then it doesn't just go away when they retire. If anything it comes back to haunt them.

They cope on all cylinders whilst in the job, shift work and overtime, lack of sleep is brutal and it eventually takes its toll on them.

Possibly, he did see some things but not as much like a city bobby, he mentions dome things but nothing gruesome. He is a very happy extrovert personality ,bordering on annoying to some people , never gets fed up outwardly ,he'll get annoyed at things , seems he can vent his frustrations when needed but doesn't dwell just moves on, it appears .
Either way he wouldn't be prepared to talk now to me if I means discussing the problem :)

O ok so could be that he misses who he was and what he did. It'd a huge part of their lives. The eat, sleep and breath the job. It can totally define them. Sometimes when they retire they are lost and miss it all. The fact that you said he got aroused after a row could indicate this. He could have loss of real motivation and drive.

Statistically many police officers die in the early years after retirement. Statistically.

So you observed his becoming aroused during/after you had a row? Interesting ...

Hi AmI. The male pysche is a mysterious thing when it come to ED, in my experience. I've been having a LDR for since Dec 13 with a chap in his early 60s, so therefore quite a bit older than me. ED was a bit of an issue (I would happily have had a lot more sex ) but he was willing to take the blue pills and we had some fun times.

Went to see him most recently at Easter, and shared a bed for two nights with lots of cuddling, but no sex. On the third day I raised the issue (pun intended) and he shut down the conversation. Frankly, if I'd had access to my car at that point - we were out for the day and using trains - I would have driven home. I stayed perfectly friendly and amicable for the rest of my visit, but as I'm a fairly very direct person when he brought me a cup of tea in bed on the final morning I asked what on earth had been going on. I said I hadn't driven 200 miles to share a bed for four nights like Morecambe and Wise, and that I thought we were having a FWB relationship. This seemed to come as a complete revelation to him (God knows what he had been thinking), and he certainly hasn't been beating a path to my door with elbows out since then.

This hasn't done much for my self-esteem (am I repulsive type thoughts), but I think the message is that a chap who is being offered no-strings sex with a considerably younger woman would still rather be celibate than visit his GP to get his ED sorted. I'm very busy with work at the moment, but plan to have another try at OLD when that eases off. Hope my anecdote was useful to you; I certainly feel better for venting!

I think you may be on the right track, he hardly took time off , I believe.
He lived the jib, the buzz, the thrill, made him feel important ,though he wasn't the best if bobbies , he liked to be lenient .
He didn't retire by choice he'd served 30 years and retired at 50, work was his job, he never had children , I'm guessing the job was his life but I didn't know him then, I've only known him 2 years :)

Yes, Happenstancemarmite, had rows since but nothing

UpNorthAgain,,,,being a Norther myself I'm similar, we too went away fir weekends together and nothing happened . The first time we went away nearly two years ago , I lay on my side wondering what was wrong with me, I thought he was being gentlemanly ,,,,we've never apart from cuddlies done anything remotely sexual when away,,,cup of tea and sleep ,,,,,,he's not even an old bloke he's quiet bright and young in his ways( most)

I'm quiet good looking, very slim, like my clothes, I keep fit, bright and cheerful , have lots of glances when I go out( noticed by my company , not myself) I could be with someone else but I love my bloke x

Yes. AmI, that's it exactly. You lie there thinking, "What's wrong with me?" . Luckily, I'm not in love with this chap. He's a nice guy (or I wouldn't have gone to bed with him in the first place) but I knew it was only ever going to be a bit of fun. He seems to want me to be a text buddy now!

So what do you want to do? I've been with my DH from tge age of 18 before he joined and have been by his side throughout his 29 year career. So for me I wouldn't dream of walking away when things go wrong in any department but you are just at the begining of your potential relationship. What has he said about your future together.

I was lucky today an opportunity came where we were able to have our first open chat about our situation.
I explained to be ignoring this really is like keeping secrets from each other,as well as keeping us apart .
I asked how he managed with previous partners especially one I know broke his heart, as much as he brushed past details which I was prepared for he told me the problem has been around for 12 years.
The best part was it gave me a chance to explain the dilemma I've been in, scared to mention the situation incase I made him feel worse, yet avoiding and knowing we were both thinking about the situation was building a gap between us.
By no means do I expect a cure but hopefully being open there's an issue also seeing his side of things, he. Admitted he'd considered being on his own because of this .
I tried to reassure him the condition wasn't damaging us but not sharing things,,it's like someone being I'll and not telling their partner to share the burden. It's not about pure sex but about no physical intimacy due to fear.
I do love my bloke and I would go to another man, for me it has to be the full package and I'm not trading him in due to this, otherwise what kind of a human being am I?
He was relaxed today I caught him off guard as I think he thought I was going to end our relationship or he was in trouble over something when I asked if we could chat.
I hope I rested his fears, to me just talking openly about the subject is a massive start,next I hope to build his confidence and hope we get closer even if the little man never stands to attention, I hope we get closer to resume something of closeness only a real couple can get.
I mentioned I'd sought advice on a forum, he asked what advice I'd been offered, I said quiet a few had said I was to end it and look elsewhere as I'm sure he would understand as he himself would have done that years back.
He asked if I was going to leave him, I told him as long as we are open and we don't keep this away from each other there's no way on earth I'm going anywhere and that I'd said as much here.
It is a turning point for me because as much as not making love broke my heart ,I know it's been silently breaking his heart too , for that I know I'm not wasting my time now with this man. We deal with this together I guess.
As I said to him, we'll see where this goes and just go with the flow.
Thank you for listening to me ,I know my visit here was short but you really helped me and not one if you were unkind or pushed your thoughts onto me, allowing me to work this out.
I love my man and I'd do anything for him, we are the most unlikely couple you match up, but he is my everything, he really is my sun,moon,sky,stars and seasons , he is my world .:)