Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH reactions to me being ill

27 replies

feelingunwell · 13/05/2015 09:29

NC for this one as it is current situation which may out me.

Full disclosure - there are shed loads of other problems in my marriage but this is the one I am struggling to understand most :(

I don't get ill very often and most times I just get on with things - work full time and 3 DC so you just have to.

However DH appears to show no sympathy, empathy or understanding at all when I am ill. He gives off the impression that I have become ill to inconvenience him! He offers no solutions to avoid me having to do things like school runs, shopping etc. when I am ill - I need to ask him to consider the alternatives (i.e. he could do the school run but it is slightly more convenient for me to do it, when I am well).

Recently I had really horrific muscular pain. One morning as we were getting up I moved my shoulder in the 'wrong' way and the pain was off the scale :( I was crying and moaning and trying to breath through the pain - he walked out the room and then the house without saying a word to me :( I am sure if the situation were reversed I would have, at least, asked him if he was OK and probably asked if there was anything I could do to help.

I am off work ill today, horrid throat infection which has been brewing for a few days. He has not once asked if there is anything he could do for me or if there is anything I need.

There are other examples of this type of behaviour from him but as I say I don't get ill very often so it is not a regular thing.

I really don't want to think that this attitude towards me when I am vulnerable is as awful as I think it is Angry but it is isn't it?

OP posts:
TheoriginalLEM · 13/05/2015 09:34

my dp has no sympathy at all when i am ill or upset. I am a bad patient though and he does help put.

maroonedwithfour · 13/05/2015 09:38

He sounds like he has no empathy at all. Poor you. Have you spiken to him about what you would like him to do? You shouldn't have to btw.

maroonedwithfour · 13/05/2015 09:43

My DH is generally very good when I am ill which sadly is often. I have had to be firm about taking time of if really needed, ie when I had flu and couldn't get out of bed.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 13/05/2015 10:02

Love is putting the other person's needs above your own. Which means he doesn't love you, rather the opposite.

DW and I wait on each other hand and foot when ill or injured. Quite often we just need to be left alone, but the starting point is concern.

Original poster
feelingunwell · 13/05/2015 10:03

When I speak to him about it he is unresponsive at best. Gives me that look like 'what do you expect me to do'. I expect him to demonstrate some care and affection but of course feel that he should know how to do that and want to do that without me telling him iyswim.

I know I probably need to tell again how hurtful and disrespectful I find his behaviour ....

OP posts:
Pollyswall · 13/05/2015 10:08

Sympathies OP. My DH either ignores me if I'm ill or even worse he will enter a sort of "I'm iller than you" competition.

I know that it's brought on by panic in my DH's case, it scares him if I am not being my usually competent self.

It's just selfish really, they don't want their lives disrupted.

trackrBird · 13/05/2015 10:09

Yes, it's awful.
To me, this attitude is a huge red flag.

Pollyswall · 13/05/2015 10:11

Disgrace Don't agree with you there, I know my DH loves me.

NickAngel · 13/05/2015 10:12

How does he react when DC are ill? Is he lacking in empathy altogether or is it just behaviour directed towards you?
Does he need to be told how to react or help you? My DH, for example, shows no initiative or empathy but will help practically if given a clear list.

PlumpingThePartTimeMother · 13/05/2015 10:16

DH is a bit rubbish when I'm ill - I think it's because he can't quite emotionally cope with it rather than being an uncaring bastard. He comes across as quite uncaring because he doesn't proffer much in the way of sympathy; however he'd say that he tries to not bother me and get on with looking after the kids when I'm in that state.

He's got a bit better since I explained that all I wanted was a hug and some acknowledgement that I must be feeling rubbish; he does try to do those things now. He's hardly ever ill himself so has a bit of an empathy failure.

I hope that you feel better soon op Thanks

PlumpingThePartTimeMother · 13/05/2015 10:18

I expect him to demonstrate some care and affection but of course feel that he should know how to do that and want to do that without me telling him iyswim.

Some men don't get it. Hell, some women don't get it - I've had to learn a lot of appropriate social responses as, for whatever reason, they do not come naturally to me. Sometimes you have to spell it out - if they do care about you then they will at least try to follow your instructions.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 13/05/2015 10:19

Is he a Fixer? Maybe he cant cope with knowing you are ill and he cant make you better? Rather than "what can I do to make it easier" he thinks "I cant fix her" and it stresses him out?

Not that this is an excuse for being a wanker, more it may be a reason. Though quite what he thinks "In sickness and in health" meant when he got Married ill never know.

Give him jobs.

Tell him. "Im ill, I need bed rest. You will need to take the dcs to school tomorrow and pick up dinner on your way home. Im too ill to be up and about"

Original poster
feelingunwell · 13/05/2015 10:39

Sorry for the drip feed but he does not react well to being 'told' what to do. We have been together nearly 25 years so I have developed many strategies around 'telling' him what I need or he needs to do for all sorts of situations. In the illness situation I just can not seem to move beyond why he does not even ask if I am ok or if there is anything he can do do to help me.

He is much the same practically when the children are ill - can not seem to figure out what he needs to do in the situation and needs massive lists of instructions like meds at 10am, water through the day, check on them often etc. but they do always believe Dad cares about them so his reactions to them being ill must be right :)

I don't think that he thinks he can leave me to cope on my own when I am unwell - there is usually some comment around 'you have been home all day why isn't the washing / ironing / cooking / paper work done then :(

OP posts:
trackrBird · 13/05/2015 10:50

That's not about coping really, more about you doing what he expects you to do. It seems very hectoring.

workhorse · 13/05/2015 11:00

I think attitudes to illness are affected a huge amount by our upbringing. In my family it was always "Oh poor you, get to bed straight away" for the mildest of ailments and a lot of emphasis on the concept of "not overdoing it". In contrast, I don't think DH (50) has ever had a day ill in bed in his life. His mother (78) still works a 30 hour week and is never off sick. Is this the case with your DH's family as well? Consequently DH is not hugely sympathetic when I'm ill, but is very good practically. And I don't make a big fuss so much any more; my family's approach irritates me a bit now as I find it over the top.

PlumpingThePartTimeMother · 13/05/2015 11:04

Ah. DH doesn't say things like that.

He doesn't sound very kind op Sad

Jan45 · 13/05/2015 11:08

Horrible, horrible men, the one person who you are meant to rely on in times of need and you get the blame for being ill, huge red flag for me, in fact I'd honestly be questioning the relationship, not all men are like this, some are kind and thoughtful, bloody awful.

Laladeepsouth · 13/05/2015 11:10

Honestly, if this is really THE issue and not part of a massively huge list of negligent and dismissive behaviors -- it's pretty normal. Just how pathetically unhelpful most men are in times of wives/partners being out of commission has been a topic I've heard discussed my entire life, from women of all ages and situations. I've heard so many times (and said) the same words: "He acts as if he's almost mad because I'm sick! I could be unconscious back there for all he knows!" Normally very considerate and helpful partners, too. Clergymen's and doctors' wives also. I don't think this is a feminism vs. the patriarchy issue. OP, you'll probably need to spell out exactly what you want, as in "Please bring me," "You're going to have to," "I need you to go to the store and . . . ."

Jan45 · 13/05/2015 11:17

Well it's not true of all men I know, only the selfish self entitled ones. I'd guess they are selfish in other aspects of the relationship too, it's basically saying I am more important than you.

SolidGoldBrass · 13/05/2015 11:18

You mentioned other problems in the marriage. I suspect they could be summed up on one sentence - Your H is a prick.

PlumpingThePartTimeMother · 13/05/2015 11:21

"He acts as if he's almost mad because I'm sick!"

Yes, I've felt like that; not that he was cross because I 'should' be doing stuff, not at all, but because he couldn't quite grasp that there was a difference between being noticeably ill and being terminal. I'd sit on the sofa trying to read to kids or whatever and he'd get annoyed because I'm meant to either be completely fine or completely dead - somewhere in the middle completely confuses him apparently Hmm

He has improved, which is why I haven't left him. A partner who won't listen at all is a bit more of a problem I think.

Viviennemary · 13/05/2015 11:26

I don't have sympathy when DH is ill. I wouldn't care if he just went to bed but he just sits and moans about how awful he's feeling. I don't want to hear it. But I wouldn't expect him to do much. Your DH is wrong expecting you to carry on when you're ill but I think expecting sympathy is not realistic. I agree families attitude is important. If somebody was really ill they got sympathy and taken care of if they were a bit under the weather and whining they didn't get any.

Laladeepsouth · 13/05/2015 11:35

I'm referring to brief, fairly intermittent bouts of illness, of course, when there might be some type of inability to notice and internalize the partner or wife lying in the bed coughing and gagging, gesturing for the water glass -- or vomiting into the waste can.

Of course, this type of behavior and attitude would be completely unacceptable in the case of a very serious and lengthy debilitating illness -- and most decent partners/husbands do step up to the plate then. It's a whole different thing.

Laladeepsouth · 13/05/2015 11:39

Plumping, love the "I'm meant to be completely fine or completely dead -- somewhere in the middle completely confuses him apparently."

You said it so well! Good job!

onepieceoflollipop · 13/05/2015 11:44

In our relationship, it generally comes down to communication. I suffer with migraine, I have medication and at times can struggle on, but if Dh is home I will tell him I feel rough (otherwise he doesn't always notice in the general busy-ness of family life)
If I (or he) needs to lie down or sleep, I spend a few minutes discussing what needs doing (if kids still need feeding etc, what needs cooking for his/my dinner). Also I will take the time I need and actually tell him I want, e.g. if I want to try and sleep all evening. And if he is ill I show him the same love and courtesy.

Swipe left for the next trending thread