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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Unsuitable partner

31 replies

LBARTON · 12/05/2015 17:59

I'm hoping that you can all give me the much-needed wisdom/kick up the arse I need.

I met a 28 yo in December (I'm 30) and we immediately hit it off/got together. We were seeing each other for a few weeks when he told me that he had two kids (6 months and 3 years) by his wife from whom he had separated in October. I was thrown initially but we carried on. Since then we have broken up twice, once because he stayed up all night taking drugs when he should've been at work and I discovered he had an unhealthy relationship with alcohol and then the second time because he kept calling me fat (I am a size 10). Both times I ended up getting back together with him after about five days because I think, basically, I couldn't resist him.

Which brings me to the problem, I am completely dazzled by him. He is utterly inappropriate, currently unemployed, has about five tonnes of baggage, can be unkind, drinks far too much (and goes off radar when he does), seems to have very few friends and is very demanding of my time, getting angry and calling me a bad girlfriend because I try to maintain some blanace in my life. Writing all this down just shows how much is wrong with the relationship and yet...I have never met anyone I am so drawn to, I love spending time with him (even if I am not always happy when I do), I love looking after him, I absolutely love having sex with him (and having come out of a five year relationship which fizzled out, this is a massive thing for me).

So the advice: we broke up again this morning before I went to work, it was about something utterly trivial but spiralled out of control and he ended up leaving. If I can stick to this, then I will never see him again - a thought I can barely handle. And yet, I don't see how we can ever get back together having broken up three times (!) in five months. He exhausts me, physically and emotionally and yet I feel myself being pulled back to him again already.

I don't even know what I'm asking for, I'm just so lost and confused. I want to get married and have a family and I feel like I'm watching all my friends do this while I pursue some insane relationship fooling myself that we can end up married with beautiful kids.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 12/05/2015 18:01

Please go NC with this person. NO contact at all. Do the Freedom Programme.

Mostlyjustaluker · 12/05/2015 18:05

Run, run and never look bad.

Seriously he is an alcoholic who uses drugs when he should be at work. He is unemployed. He is emotionally abusive to you and he ran out on his wife, child and 4 month old baby. If it was your friend what would you say?

Practically delete his phone number, block from social media, tell your friends and family why you are leaving him and if he comes round to your house don't answer the door.

Think about what you want your future to be like? I am pretty sure he would not be helpful to you achieving this.

Rosieliveson · 12/05/2015 18:05

Hmm, I think you ready know that this man is completely unreliable and definitely not the man you could plan a safe and happy future with.
Hold out for a man who ticks all the boxes all the time.

lotsofcheese · 12/05/2015 18:06

I call it "The Bastard Effect" - when women continue to be attracted to/involved with men who are utter bastards.

CtrlAltDelicious · 12/05/2015 18:16

Until you find the self respect to get rid of this selfish prick, you're stuck with this crap semi-relationship, I'm afraid.

magoria · 12/05/2015 18:19

Don't walk, run.

This man had a wife, a 3 year old and a 6 month old.

He has let drugs and drink rule his life to the stage where since you met him 5 months ago he is now unemployed.

He is already verbally abusive about your size and unkind to you.

Why do you think you will end up married with beautiful kids when he has happily already walked away from that and probably drinks/snorts any income rather than paying for the children he already has?

You will just end up the next ex supporting a drunk, druggies kids on your own while he goes off to the next idiot to put up with him.

ALaughAMinute · 12/05/2015 19:18

If you want an unhappy life then stay with him. If you want a happy life then get the fuck out!!

He's bad news and you know it!

AnyFucker · 12/05/2015 19:20

Stay with him and ruin your life. He won't be happy until he has brought you down to his level.

WellErrrr · 12/05/2015 19:21

I think that you should seek counselling to see why you are being drawn to something so destructive to your life. And I say that in the nicest possible way :)

Laquitar · 12/05/2015 19:38

Honestly?
If you were my friend i would have given you a slap or a bucket of icy water.

What 'happy family'? You mean like the one his ex had with him? They seperated with a toddler and a newborn ffs!

Do not contact him and get a life.

Anniegetyourgun · 12/05/2015 19:39

Yes, like did you have a charming but emotionally unreachable parent or other unreliable figure in your childhood you looked up to? These things often start early and then you're stuck in the pattern until you recognise and work hard to change it.

confusedoflondon · 12/05/2015 19:56

Its the sex isn't it, I totally get it

Jenoftheweek · 12/05/2015 20:07

Oh heck, run like feck as far and as fast as you can.

He abuses substances.
He misses work.
He has a family ( see above)

If you want a future with a man, can you see a loser like this giving you love, companionship, support and a family life? No? Me neither.
(Ok, hot sex is good but really the drug use with children would turn me off any procreational pursuits with him)

Bowerby · 12/05/2015 20:10

It will never work. He might be your soul mate but the two of you are incompatible.

I allowed a relationship like yours to run on for far longer than I should have. He broke my heart and I literally howled with grief when he left. But since then (3/4 months or so) I'm calmer, much more peaceful and happier.

It's so, so hard to leave and a bit of you will miss him forever - but it's the right thing to do.

Anniegetyourgun · 12/05/2015 20:12

I wonder actually if it's the unsuitability that is part of the attraction, coming out of a stifling LTR it can feel liberating to do something a bit crazy. I don't think it's necessarily healthy though.

ivykaty44 · 12/05/2015 20:16

He sounds irresistible ......not

Drugs and a baby of six months, wonder what his exp thinks to him..?

ivykaty44 · 12/05/2015 20:18

Thing is as well the sex is usually selfish sex with a MSN like this

pocketsaviour · 12/05/2015 20:23

Hot sex, especially after a long period of dull or non-existent sex life, does something to your brains. You will find yourself making all kinds of stupid decisions, because you're not thinking with your head, you're thinking with your lady bits.

Block his number, his email, all social media contacts. If you feel yourself wobbling, post on here again and we'll all give you a virtual slap! You know this man is a bucket of shit, and you deserve better. Re-engage the brain in your head and give yourself a sharp dose of sanity!

confusedoflondon · 12/05/2015 20:24

When you've been in a LTR that's unfulfilling sexually then along comes the spark its amazing what you'll overlook /cope with just to have that rush on tap. I get it. Not saying its good.

confusedoflondon · 12/05/2015 20:25

Great minds pocket

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 12/05/2015 20:56

You'd be utterly self destructively crazy to carry on seeing this prize loser.

Salemthecat · 12/05/2015 21:36

I understand where you're coming from OP. I keep seeing my ex (who split up with me!) and he's constantly off his face, calls me a slut while apparently joking, is selfish when we have sex and is just generally a fucking arsehole.

I've decided today to go NC and just cut him out. Ive realised he's actually starting to affect my mental health and I'm buggered if I'm letting anyone do that to me. If I can do this, you can too!

pocketsaviour · 12/05/2015 22:07

confused we've clearly both been there!

Original poster

LBARTON · 12/05/2015 22:07

Thank you everyone for your advice. Believe me, it is exactly what my friends and sisters have been saying for a while. It is so helpful to read such frank, brutal advice because he has turned me crazy so that I act totally out of character, make excuses for him, blindly believe that we have a future whilst knowing we don't. Anyway, yes confusedoflondon OF COURSE it's the sex, but obviously with that goes a lot of other stuff not just actually having sex - if you know what I mean. No, he was not selfish in bed; I genuinely believe that underneath it all he is a good man but with such a shitload of problems and issues that I would be a fool to waste any more time on something that will ultimately ruin my life. I have blocked him on phone and social media, trying to figure out email. I will definitely be back if (when) I waver, but any more advice is welcome - it's so useful xxx

OP posts:

RubyMay82 · 12/05/2015 22:23

He sounds like my daughters Dad.
Sorting out someone's mess, dealing with the highs, lows, constantly bailing them out ...
"Just a bit of fun"
(Which was all well & good until I fell pregnant)
We are NC & he now goes from one car crash relationship to the next & literally will go with anyone who will put a roof over his head.
It's all about him.
Take heed!!!!
Don't let some bum use you & your good nature.
Get rid & after a while you'll be relieved, chuffed & wonder why you put up with it in the first place.
Sounds like a prize muppet.
The fact he got in a relationship so fast while his ex wife is left to pick up the pieces & deal with 2 very young kids says a lot,
That he most likely only gives a hoot about number one & what other people can do for him (& his ego)

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