Unsuitable partner

[LBARTON]

I'm hoping that you can all give me the much-needed wisdom/kick up the arse I need.

I met a 28 yo in December (I'm 30) and we immediately hit it off/got together. We were seeing each other for a few weeks when he told me that he had two kids (6 months and 3 years) by his wife from whom he had separated in October. I was thrown initially but we carried on. Since then we have broken up twice, once because he stayed up all night taking drugs when he should've been at work and I discovered he had an unhealthy relationship with alcohol and then the second time because he kept calling me fat (I am a size 10). Both times I ended up getting back together with him after about five days because I think, basically, I couldn't resist him.

Which brings me to the problem, I am completely dazzled by him. He is utterly inappropriate, currently unemployed, has about five tonnes of baggage, can be unkind, drinks far too much (and goes off radar when he does), seems to have very few friends and is very demanding of my time, getting angry and calling me a bad girlfriend because I try to maintain some blanace in my life. Writing all this down just shows how much is wrong with the relationship and yet...I have never met anyone I am so drawn to, I love spending time with him (even if I am not always happy when I do), I love looking after him, I absolutely love having sex with him (and having come out of a five year relationship which fizzled out, this is a massive thing for me).

So the advice: we broke up again this morning before I went to work, it was about something utterly trivial but spiralled out of control and he ended up leaving. If I can stick to this, then I will never see him again - a thought I can barely handle. And yet, I don't see how we can ever get back together having broken up three times (!) in five months. He exhausts me, physically and emotionally and yet I feel myself being pulled back to him again already.

I don't even know what I'm asking for, I'm just so lost and confused. I want to get married and have a family and I feel like I'm watching all my friends do this while I pursue some insane relationship fooling myself that we can end up married with beautiful kids.

He has a six month old baby is unemployed yet spends his money on drugs......

He calls you names....

Come on op, you know what to do.

Yup - you have to think of yourself. You are only 30, you have plenty of time to meet a good'un. If you hook up with this loser you are lessening your chances of finding a nice man and really increasing your chances of years of grief and heartbreak. No choice really. Keep coming back on here if you feel your resolve weakening.

You are 30. That's no age at all if you want a family etc. This man is totally toxic.

I understand the irresistable pull of decent sex after a drought OP but other cocks are available and some of them come attached to decent, kind, lovely men who can give you the happy family future that you want.

Poor MH is contagious. Your Ex is negatively impacting yours. You can't help him. You can't fix him. There is no happy future with him, just hurt and damage to your own MH.

Which brings me to the problem, I am completely dazzled by him. . . .I have never met anyone I am so drawn to, I love spending time with him (even if I am not always happy when I do)

I wonder if he is a narcissist or someone with N Personality Disorder. You are describing exactly how I felt about a particular man who was even worse that yours.

Your description of dazzled is a bit of an alert for me in terms of narcissists. They just do something to their victims that flips a brain switch. They are very very good at reading people and mirror exactly what you want in a partner at first - so it feels utterly dazzling. Your perfect man has arrived.

Woman A want a macho man who will take the lead? It's Tuesday. Hello Mr Narcissist perfect macho man.
Woman B wants a kind heart who is interested in art? It's Wednesday. Hello Mr Narcissist kind hearted art lover.
Woman C etc etc.

Not always, but any woman talking about a man in slightly obsessional, dazzled terms - especially where the man slowly reveals himself over tim to be objectively vile but the dazzled feeling remains - should always be considered in terms of is this a person w NPD based on what I read about it.

May I offer an unconventional suggestion if you insist on continuing to spend time with him? Block your nose when you are with him. Stuff kleenex up there, or wear nose plugs, or rub some volatile-smelly stuff under your nose. This will prevent you from smelling his pheremones, which are powerful chemical attractants that stimulate one's reward system and reinforce relationships. It may allow you to view him more clearly when he is around.

pheromones, not pheremones