Election has sparked a whole new cascade of shit

[rocket74]

Hi I don't want to drip feed and I can clearly see the situation (finally) but I just need to fucking vent and there is no one I can talk to without it back firing on me.
Since last weeks election announcement (joint disappointment in our house) DH has been getting more and more worked up and posting and sharing everything on FB. Naturally not everyone agrees - clearly- given the results but it it creating a real sense of unease and I can see his rage simmering. One of my best and oldest friends posted something that contradicted him and he has been slagging her off constantly to me since. Picking over everything she posts ... He has been critical of her a lot recently and will take any opportunity to have a dig at her lifestyle.(well off).
He will take any chance to take a dig at a friend - a few in particular for no reason other than some misguided notion they may have once let me down or perceives them as being devious or totally self interested or greedy.

I'm not well today so have managed to find time to read the Lundy Bancroft book I have hidden away as I am aware that what he does is emotional abuse but just trying to work out how to get out of this. Page 31 did it for me. His emotions fill the whole house.
I can't really confide in anyone as they will act differently around him and that is a red light to him. Hence why he has decided to try and decimate my opinion of my best friend whom may have been a bit cool with him a while ago. We've been friends for nearly 30 years now so bloody fecking politics is not going to change anything.
I have un friended her on his FB page so he won't see any more posts and I'm not going to use FB on the computer anymore so he won't see her on my page but this is so ridiculous. In the past he's been snipy about members of my family as well and been instrumental in making those relationships difficult at times.

They and I are always wrong and he is always right and feels he has to share this knowledge with everyone so that they will do it or think it his way next time.

Thanks for listening and sorry if a garbled mess as on phone. Vent over.

Am glad you realise that this is emotional abuse on his part. You cannot afford to stay within this marriage any longer; he will destroy you (and any children you have) totally.

This sort of man would kick off and argue in an empty room.

Do you have children; they will be affected by all this at home too.

Womens Aid can and will also help you leave, have you talked to them to date?. Their number is 0808 2000 247.

Poor you, I can understand why you need to vent. I had similar issues with my XP (not via Facebook as it wasn't around then) but very familiar with the constant comments and digs about my friends and family.

I have no doubt you already know this but it's a fairly typical tactic from emotional abusers; wearing you down with moods and trying to alienate you from sources of support.

Ah, is he a Mr Always Right, then?

What happens when you are on the wrong end of his ire?

What would happen if you didn't obey him or accede to his demands? Am guessing he would make life unpleasant for you.

It's the moods and the constant over analysing and picking apart of everything he or anyone says or appears to think. He will jump quickly to a wild accusation or fear with no real groundings. Everyday is a road rage incident - usually just contained within the car but often tells me about such and such car/van and how he wanted to get out and punch their heads in. The c word is used with great frequency and I hate it. Even with kids in the car.
There is no physical abuse but often a wall or fridge or door will get a punch.

I am the main wage earner and work full time. We rent but I manage the finances of pretty much everything and have been trying to get myself in a stronger position in time for the inevitable. I think.
I don't think he will ever change, I can tell when he is turning on the charm for strangers but he is a deeply draining person to live with.

I like it more when he is not around.

He sounds awful.

After splitting with my unpleasant XP I had a boyfriend who sounds similar in character to your husband - the littlest thing would set him off on a paranoid, hate filled rant and he was very entitled.

I found it very draining and unpleasant and we only saw each other occasionally so I can well imagine how much worse it must be when it's someone you live with.

It's an election and he is getting so worked up. Do people really care that much? Surely it is a choice of a which idiot is less idiotic?!

The guy needs to get a life and some hobbies FFS.

At least make sure you don't buy anything with him.

You have three options here.

a) assume he won't change (very likely), and leave
b) hope he can change (not likely, and just for a little while), tell him that you will leave unless he stops that behaviour (how he does it is up to him - if he needs help, he should look for it), eventually leave because he won't
c) keep putting up with it and go mad and/or be punched at some point.

From what you say about him, you should have a safe leaving plan. Men like these can be dangerous when their partners try to leave (statistics and personal experience). Put everything in place, and have people around when you go through with it.

I know quite a few people who are deeply disappointed in the election result, but I haven't noticed any of them taking it out on their families. Sounds like your DH has found a handy excuse.

Dissing your friends and extended family in order to isolate you from your support network is an absolute classic abuser tactic, as you will no doubt have learned from Lundy.

Yeah, if it wasn't the election it would be something else. It's just an excuse - there's always something.

Punching walls and doors is a veiled threat of physical violence, though, isn't it.

It's a short step from punching walls to punching people, sadly. And I agree with Goats, it's a veiled threat: "You've made me angry enough to punch you, but luckily for you I'm in control enough to punch an inanimate object instead of your face."

I think you should start laying as much groundwork as possible for leaving safely. This guy sounds like a powder-keg and I think there is a genuine concern over your safety (and that of your DCs.)

Goodness yes the election result is just a cover for other issues in this case.

You can't ditch your friends because they don't agree with your politics!

We have been together for about 14 years now and 2 children so just upping and leaving really isn't an option. I'm not scared of him I don't think and I don't really get upset anymore when he is a shit or calls me a name or makes a hurtful comment - I am just angry for bloody marrying him and trying to find the right time to end it. Tonight I got the dinner out the fridge ready for the oven and got side tracked by DS needing a bath and the next thing I know I hear DH downstairs shouting 'stupid fucking woman' repeatedly
and banging and crashing about the kitchen.

I go down and explain I got side tracked and I didn't like him shouting like that in front of DD and no need to over react. Got told to fuck off as he was preparing the chicken. I called him a pathetic twat loudly and went back to Ds in the bathroom. But he didn't come after me or anything - that doesn't happen - he over reacts to tiny things - swears and shouts and calls everyone including his mum a cunt - then he retreats and comes back calmer but not really an apology just an explanation or excuse as to why he acted that way. He didn't want to eat late.
Our home life is extremely stressful as have DS 7 with extreme ASD and DD 3 is a real handful and every single day is exhausting and full of meltdowns and refusals and complete chaos - so I don't know why he feels the need to add to my already heightened levels of stress. Back to my friend - he could have just thought to himself whatever he thinks about her and that's it - but the fact he has no off switch every single disagreeable or odd or dumb thought he has has to spewed out to me and I have to fucking mop it up and tell him it's all alright and to not let it get to him.

Christ, for tonights reaction alone, I would be planning my exit. I wouldn't want my dcs raised in an atmosphere like that. Swearing like that is a major no no as well.

My DH and I have been married 14 years not once in that time have we had an argument that has resulted to a slanging match of name calling (and we have had some cracking ones). I think the worst I have ever said was 'You can be so close minded at times.'

If he ever called me a fucking stupid bitch, it would be over - and yes I am serious.

Here's my first LTB.

We have been together for about 14 years now and 2 children so just upping and leaving really isn't an option Lots of people say that, but it really is.

It sounds like a terrible atmosphere for you and your children. The language he is using in front of them is disgusting, as is the way he is treating you. The trouble is, by staying there you are giving the message that it's actually ok to treat someone like that, because you might say you don't like it, but ultimately you're not stopping it, or leaving, or refusing to put up with it a minute longer.

I know how trapped you can feel, but as someone who did get out of an abusive marriage, I would always encourage people to at least begin to consider the possibility. It's hard to get out, incredible when you do.

DD 3 is a real handful and every single day is exhausting and full of meltdowns and refusals and complete chaos

He sounds like the cause of not only your uneasiness/unhappiness but your children's as well.

Leaving him is the only option OP, unless of course you're fine with another 20 years of this.....your poor children.

At least you can start making plans for your escape, that is no sort of life. I'm glad he hasn't managed to turn you against your friends.

Meanwhile maybe you could take vitamin B complex for the stress and if you can get any into him it might give you a little bit more peace until you are able to get rid.

Why are you subjecting your kids to this? Can you not stay with friends or family while you separate and make plans for your future living arrangements?
At the very least get some legal advice.

I grew up with a father like that. Pretends to be all left wing and caring but an absolute twat and a bully. My mother is/was weak and let him walk all over her and us, and also was EA and would throw me under the bus to save her being bullied herself.

I have been NC for almost a year as he attacked me in front of my children. Wish I had done it years ago, or better still if my mother had had the guts to stand up for us and leave.

Well done on having the awareness to know it's wrong. It's not easy to leave and it can take time. Contact Women's Aid, they can help, you don't have to be being physically battered to get their support. Plenty of people grow up happy and strong without their useless fathers so do what's best for you and your kids and get shot of him.

I understand why you are saying leaving isn't an option but it is - it probably just feels impossible.

I think you may also find that your children's issues improve if they don't have his awful presence lurking all over them.

To you it might feel awful but cope-able with but they don't have a choice and it's probably a lot more frightening.

In fact, reading back - wouldn't you day that is him who is the major cause of the all the stress in your house? Would things not be a lot calmer if he was out of the picture?

Well it's not the election that has caused this. It's your h.

I remember reading in the news once about women quaking if England lost in football because their partners would lose it and thrash them.

That isn't the England football team's fault either.

He sounds horrible. I would ask him to leave. You earn the money. What do you need him for?

I don't know why he feels the need to add to my already heightened levels of stress

I suspect, reading what you say about DC being on the spectrum that he is too. Which actually intensifies my feeling that you seriously need to be working towards an exit plan. His extremes are becoming less controllable for him, never mind you and there's enough going on stress-wise as it is.

I think it's possible his rages are escalating - am I right in thinking that or has it always been this vitriolic? In any case it seems that when the fridge is no longer suitable as a punchbag you might be next in line.

He most certainly isn't a shining example of how a father should behave either, is he? What he says and does, how he says and does - it's all being logged by the DC and filed as normal/acceptable in their impressionable minds.

Sorry to be so negative but this scenario is awful, miserable and so not how life should be. You deserve better, way better. You must be desperate just for a bit of peace and calm, no edgy anticipation, no bullet dodging, just simple peace.

Sounds like he's trying to isolate you by picking at your relationships with family and friends. Run for the hills