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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Election has sparked a whole new cascade of shit

60 replies

rocket74 · 12/05/2015 16:13

Hi I don't want to drip feed and I can clearly see the situation (finally) but I just need to fucking vent and there is no one I can talk to without it back firing on me.
Since last weeks election announcement (joint disappointment in our house) DH has been getting more and more worked up and posting and sharing everything on FB. Naturally not everyone agrees - clearly- given the results but it it creating a real sense of unease and I can see his rage simmering. One of my best and oldest friends posted something that contradicted him and he has been slagging her off constantly to me since. Picking over everything she posts ... He has been critical of her a lot recently and will take any opportunity to have a dig at her lifestyle.(well off).
He will take any chance to take a dig at a friend - a few in particular for no reason other than some misguided notion they may have once let me down or perceives them as being devious or totally self interested or greedy.

I'm not well today so have managed to find time to read the Lundy Bancroft book I have hidden away as I am aware that what he does is emotional abuse but just trying to work out how to get out of this. Page 31 did it for me. His emotions fill the whole house.
I can't really confide in anyone as they will act differently around him and that is a red light to him. Hence why he has decided to try and decimate my opinion of my best friend whom may have been a bit cool with him a while ago. We've been friends for nearly 30 years now so bloody fecking politics is not going to change anything.
I have un friended her on his FB page so he won't see any more posts and I'm not going to use FB on the computer anymore so he won't see her on my page but this is so ridiculous. In the past he's been snipy about members of my family as well and been instrumental in making those relationships difficult at times.

They and I are always wrong and he is always right and feels he has to share this knowledge with everyone so that they will do it or think it his way next time.

Thanks for listening and sorry if a garbled mess as on phone. Vent over.

OP posts:
hereandtherex · 13/05/2015 10:24

Nutter. Seriously.

Can I guess his job - teacher?

Original poster
rocket74 · 13/05/2015 10:37

Not a teacher. He didn't conform to 'jumping through the hoops' of traditional education. I on the other hand did Wink
I am pretty adamant that he will be the one to go. Absolutely. I am keeping a log of everything now because my tired mind forgets.
I pay the rent and all the bills. Iknow he will take the car but I am waiting and hoping that my DS is deemed eligible for high rate DLA (he should be ) so I can get motability for a car. I need to have everything in place first. We do tick along and manage despite all the outbursts and moods but I do not want to be in this same situation in five or ten years time.

OP posts:
hereandtherex · 13/05/2015 11:42

I said teacher as you are talking about somebody who's never had to deal knockbacks, lifes problems, people with differing opinions, etc. Basically, someone who has lives in a bubble with only their own ego.

I've one seen this sort of behaivour with the following groups of people:

Teachers - mainly only interact with kids or other teachers. Very rigid views.

Longterm unemployed - no need to interact with other people. They get their money and go and shout at the council to sort out any of their problems. No shouts them down.

Off-shore oil workers - must forget they are only high paid because 1) Oil is more than $50, 2) They work 2 weeks on, 2 weeks off. 3) They are getting paid dnager money. They tend to think they are high-paid becuase they are geniuses.

tipsytrifle · 13/05/2015 12:39

rocket74 you have clarity and determination on your side. Stamina too, although it probably doesn't feel like that! I wish you luck. Please don't let things get much more risky for yourself and DC though. Your adamant nature is a relief to hear.

hereandtherex - curious stereotypes you have going on there Hmm

flippinada · 13/05/2015 12:57

It's good to hear you are making plans OP.

One thing that's popped into my head, is there any chance that your H could claim he's the main carer? Something to be aware of.

Original poster
rocket74 · 13/05/2015 13:17

He could but I don't think he would know how. He co parented his now 18 year old daughter and her mum got everything but they had an agreement of shared responsibility. He does claim the carers allowance for our son but everything else comes to me. No shared accounts as he was self employed. I do feel I need to find him someplace to go - he has nowhere he would be able to go. I know you will all say this isn't my responsibility but I feel it is.
Last week I was just thinking everything seemed ok and good - but there is always a trigger isn't there and you realise nothing changes.

OP posts:
Jan45 · 13/05/2015 16:24

Until you put yourself first you will probably be saying this in 5, 10 years time..........he treats you like crap and you feel it's his responsibility to find him somewhere to go - he really has done a number on you.

Leave yourself, if not for you, do it for your children, they are growing up to be very nervous and angry adults if you don't, the cycle will just be repeated by them, they are so impressionable at a young age.

Jan45 · 13/05/2015 16:25

sorry your responsibility, not his

flippinada · 13/05/2015 16:39

With everything you have said about man, I am genuinely puzzled as to why you are maintaining the relationship.

There don't seem to be any benefits at all. Basically you are living with an angry, unpleasant whiner that you don't like that you somehow seem to feel responsible for.

So.. are you scared of him?

Mumfun · 13/05/2015 16:51

I think a lot of your childrens issues would improve hugely with him out of the house. My ASD son would be really upset by that behaviour -cant imagine it!

Lweji · 13/05/2015 19:49

He has certainly brought it on himself. Don't fall for the likely pity party.

Glad you are working on leaving (getting him to leave).

flippinada · 13/05/2015 21:37

Reading back I'm worried that my last post sounds a bit snide, which wasn't my intention. If you are scared of non them I can understand why. He sounds scary and frankly that would frighten me.

I'm wondering if he has you so worn out and worn down that leaving or getting him to leave just feels like too much to bear on top of everything else.

Please keep talking (and venting) . I hope you're ok.

flippinada · 13/05/2015 21:37

*scared of him, that should say.

pocketsaviour · 14/05/2015 12:19

I do feel I need to find him someplace to go - he has nowhere he would be able to go. I know you will all say this isn't my responsibility but I feel it is.

It shouldn't be your responsibility, but if it eases him out then so be it. Do what you need to do.

I also think your DCs behaviour and emotional well-being will improve exponentially once this horrible shouty bully is out of their everyday lives.

BMW6 · 14/05/2015 20:30

Sorry Op but why are you letting your DC suffer? If you can't LTB for your sake, do it for theirs.

He is an abusive bully. Stop regretting marrying the shit in the first place and act on stopping the shit from continuing the abuse.

Start by kicking his ass out the door.

Original poster
rocket74 · 14/05/2015 23:56

Thank you all for support. I totally understand the LTB option but I don't think that's my best option. I need him to leave. Also I know these posts always pick over the worst which was the cause of my vent and much upset over the past few years and the weight of another comment every day about something ?? but at the same time he does do housework he does go shopping he does drive us all about he does sing silly songs and cuddle the kids - but I do always feel on edge or that I'm about to piss him off or that I am having to pre empt what he wants me to say. He has that issue of not being able to stand hearing people eat or breathe or sniff or drink. We haven't shared a bed for over a year - no sex either - due to kids really to begin with but I think I fidget or breathe too loudly for him (who snores) anyway. I cannot imagine any intimacy although I know this is a major thing for him and always has been. I had a traumatic first birth but looking back I also remember a sense of pressure at times due to him.
He does know something isn't right but it's almost a quip - a clip for a film we have both watched was on tv - and he said something like 'did we watch that when we were in love?'
That's another thing though we do share the same taste in music and films and books etc - is that a redeeming enough feature to try to salvage something? Would that be enough to stop him saying 'fucking cunt toys' when he steps on a dinosaur.
I do absolutely want the best for my children as my parents had a toxic marriage until I was eight. It was calmer when they split - I still remember it all - the arguments, my mum kicking my dad when he came home one night, my dad always behind a paper or book or in the shed. Today's equivalent seems to be FB and Xbox.
I found myself covering for my DD tonight when she proudly told me she had made cake. This meant she had poured water into DS yogurt and mixed it up and spilt all over the table ??
But I just cleaned it up quickly with no comment so there wouldn't be another lecture.

But even though it's exhausting and stressed and I feel ground down I can say i don't think we are in danger - but it's not a healthy or happy environment so need to make that happen.

OP posts:
Lweji · 15/05/2015 00:02

No person is all bad. Even the very worst abusers will have some positive points, or they would never enter a relationship.

You don't think you are in danger of what? Of being physically hit? Emotional abuse can be worst.

Iflyaway · 15/05/2015 00:08

I like him more when he,s not around

Tells you all you need to know...

GoatsDoRoam · 15/05/2015 00:13

I need him to leave.

So. What do you need to make that happen?

flippinada · 15/05/2015 07:47

I think LTB is just a shorthand for "this relationship needs to end". It doesn't mean you have to physically get up and leave.

flippinada · 15/05/2015 08:25

I understand that you don't want your children to grow up in a toxic relationship, as you did.

Unfortunately though that's exactly what's happening.

If the only way to get him out is to rent a flat for him or something then do that.

Lweji · 15/05/2015 12:23

You will need to consider your options, though. As you are married, you can't just kick him out. This is why some people end up leaving. At least for a while, until the other person realises that staying and paying full rent, or the children living in a much smaller place is not a good idea.

Do you think he will leave? Try it, and if he doesn't do consider other options.

Coyoacan · 15/05/2015 15:53

I can say i don't think we are in danger

That is a very low bar, OP.

If you want to put up with his shouting, feel free, but I do think it is awful for the children to live in that atmosphere.

minkGrundy · 15/05/2015 17:56

If what you need for you to feel confirtable with your plan is:

  • you get your ducks in a row
  • you find him somewhere to go
  • he leaves

Then make that your plan. Baby steps one after another and get rid.

He won't change. Sorry.

Keep the finding him somewhere as a 'nice to have' rather than an essential and keep your ducks to a minimum so you are not always waiting for your day to come. The plan above is your ideal exit. If it ends up needing to be a bit less well managed then so be it.

Be kind to yourself and the dc. Put yourselves first.

EssexMummy123 · 15/05/2015 18:00

Why are you putting your kids through this?