Myself and DP are both 30 and have been together very happily for 2.5 years, and lived together for one. I recently got offered a new job, which is essential for me to move up the ladder in a very competitive industry. DP supports this job, and has said he wants to move together in between the two locations of our jobs. Where we currently are would mean I would have to move and after some discussion, he said he would want to - it's not far, about 50 minutes from where we currently are, so adding to his current commute by an extra 20 mins. He also loves his job, and regularly travels, which he enjoys. I find his regular travel hard sometimes, but fully, fully support him in it.
Since living together, I started to notice some strange behaviour from DP's mum. I had been 'warned' about her by her ex-husband and his partner, but I took it with a pinch of salt - they had a messy divorce over 14 years ago and it's never been amicable, particularly on his mum's side. That's the background.
DP's mum contacts DP everyday, and the content is often in email, detailing about her day, what she has bought, a photo of something relevant etc. DP generally shows me these and will say 'look what mum's...xyz.' I've noticed that the emails never contain any mention of me and DP as a couple - it is literally as if I do not exist. And I don't mean that I should be top of the list of conversation! But when there is actual discussion about the weekend, his friends, his work and his plans for the week, it becomes all the more of a 'thing' that there is no acknowledgement that I am part of his life. I have mentioned this to DP and he says that's just what she is like.
Initially I tried to have a positive relationship with this woman. At the beginning we emailed and chatted and she was pleasant enough. However, on one occasion I turned to answer her (seating arrangement was such that I sort of had my back to her), and she was literally glaring at me - without sounding over the top, it was chilling.
Another occasion, right before DP was due to go away on a particularly long trip, she called up and asked to see DP the day before he left. That was fine. She then asked DP what he was doing that evening, and he said we were going to the theatre to have some time together before he left. She went crazy...screamed and shouted at him and said we were leaving her out, said I never left my DP alone and 'followed' him around...no idea what that was in relation to. That was the first time that I realised that she had a nasty side to her.
So today's issue...she's told my DP that he shouldn't move with me to accommodate my new job. She's told him it will affect his job and that he should remain independent from me and that this is his 'chance to live alone,' which 'every young man should do.' (Before me he lived with friends). DP told me about this. His mum started speaking to him and sending him housing details about even buying a place (we are currently saving for somewhere). This was a huge shock to me - as far as I was aware, DP's mum knew we were very happy and I don't know why she would say these things. I have never forced my DP into anything and always support him - this response from her seems unfounded and odd.
Other issues I have noticed: DP in tears when his mum fell out with a close friend...DP sending mum flowers when he went to see his dad because 'she was upset.' DP's mum telling DP she is scared she is very ill on a regular basis which causes him to worry, DP's mum telling DP that his uncle had died and proceeding to cry for the next 3 hours around a shopping centre without giving one word of support to DP who was very close to his uncle (more so than she was!!). DP's mum asking DP to buy a house with her and live with her. The list goes on.
I have started to feel sad/irritated that this woman seems to have adopted a sort of 'wife' role in relation to my DP. I feel like her behaviour is inappropriate, and this current discussion with my DP about how he shouldn't consider moving to accommodate both of our jobs just seems highly dysfunctional and strange advice for a parent to give? My DP is quite insecure and very indecisive and I am starting to wonder if this is a direct consequence of his mother's influence on him. DP seems oblivious to his mum's actions, though now and again he seems to appreciate that she is inappropriate, though this is rare.
Am I biting off more than I can chew by staying with this man? Friends in RL have warned me of the danger of having a relationship with a man with a difficult MIL figure... am I being unfair in thinking she is being difficult in the first place, or am I being naive in thinking this will get better?