Am I naive in thinking this MIL problem will change?

[yourday65]

Myself and DP are both 30 and have been together very happily for 2.5 years, and lived together for one. I recently got offered a new job, which is essential for me to move up the ladder in a very competitive industry. DP supports this job, and has said he wants to move together in between the two locations of our jobs. Where we currently are would mean I would have to move and after some discussion, he said he would want to - it's not far, about 50 minutes from where we currently are, so adding to his current commute by an extra 20 mins. He also loves his job, and regularly travels, which he enjoys. I find his regular travel hard sometimes, but fully, fully support him in it.

Since living together, I started to notice some strange behaviour from DP's mum. I had been 'warned' about her by her ex-husband and his partner, but I took it with a pinch of salt - they had a messy divorce over 14 years ago and it's never been amicable, particularly on his mum's side. That's the background.

DP's mum contacts DP everyday, and the content is often in email, detailing about her day, what she has bought, a photo of something relevant etc. DP generally shows me these and will say 'look what mum's...xyz.' I've noticed that the emails never contain any mention of me and DP as a couple - it is literally as if I do not exist. And I don't mean that I should be top of the list of conversation! But when there is actual discussion about the weekend, his friends, his work and his plans for the week, it becomes all the more of a 'thing' that there is no acknowledgement that I am part of his life. I have mentioned this to DP and he says that's just what she is like.

Initially I tried to have a positive relationship with this woman. At the beginning we emailed and chatted and she was pleasant enough. However, on one occasion I turned to answer her (seating arrangement was such that I sort of had my back to her), and she was literally glaring at me - without sounding over the top, it was chilling.

Another occasion, right before DP was due to go away on a particularly long trip, she called up and asked to see DP the day before he left. That was fine. She then asked DP what he was doing that evening, and he said we were going to the theatre to have some time together before he left. She went crazy...screamed and shouted at him and said we were leaving her out, said I never left my DP alone and 'followed' him around...no idea what that was in relation to. That was the first time that I realised that she had a nasty side to her.

So today's issue...she's told my DP that he shouldn't move with me to accommodate my new job. She's told him it will affect his job and that he should remain independent from me and that this is his 'chance to live alone,' which 'every young man should do.' (Before me he lived with friends). DP told me about this. His mum started speaking to him and sending him housing details about even buying a place (we are currently saving for somewhere). This was a huge shock to me - as far as I was aware, DP's mum knew we were very happy and I don't know why she would say these things. I have never forced my DP into anything and always support him - this response from her seems unfounded and odd.

Other issues I have noticed: DP in tears when his mum fell out with a close friend...DP sending mum flowers when he went to see his dad because 'she was upset.' DP's mum telling DP she is scared she is very ill on a regular basis which causes him to worry, DP's mum telling DP that his uncle had died and proceeding to cry for the next 3 hours around a shopping centre without giving one word of support to DP who was very close to his uncle (more so than she was!!). DP's mum asking DP to buy a house with her and live with her. The list goes on.

I have started to feel sad/irritated that this woman seems to have adopted a sort of 'wife' role in relation to my DP. I feel like her behaviour is inappropriate, and this current discussion with my DP about how he shouldn't consider moving to accommodate both of our jobs just seems highly dysfunctional and strange advice for a parent to give? My DP is quite insecure and very indecisive and I am starting to wonder if this is a direct consequence of his mother's influence on him. DP seems oblivious to his mum's actions, though now and again he seems to appreciate that she is inappropriate, though this is rare.

Am I biting off more than I can chew by staying with this man? Friends in RL have warned me of the danger of having a relationship with a man with a difficult MIL figure... am I being unfair in thinking she is being difficult in the first place, or am I being naive in thinking this will get better?

Run. Run like the wind.
This woman hates you because you are a challenge/threat to her and because there's a side of him that doesn't need her anymore, so she makes herself need him and uses emotional blackmail to keep him.
She won't change.
He won't change unless he stands up to her, and if you force him to choose her or me you will still lose, whatever he picks.

I have a similar Mil. She is a thorn in my side. If I could go back 15 years I would walk away.

I would find a place for myself near the new job and tell him he is welcome to join me once he has established some boundaries between our life and hers. If he can't do that he had better stay where he is.

Don't, whatever you do have any DCs with him while his life is so enmeshed in hers.

People in healthy relationships don't tend to notice anything as they've been conditioned to it.

If they do notice then their normal is unhealthy and they don't normal how to make things normal and it takes a lot of time and pain to either get a more normal dynamic, go no contact, or not be able to achieve it and they accept their abnormal and normal and don't want to change it.

I could have written your OP a few years ago. The only way it gets better is if your DP agrees with you and addresses the issues with his mother (as mine did with his) to set those boundaries. His conversation with my now-ILs went along the lines of 'I do NOT feel close to you at all while you are treating the one I love so poorly'.

Occasionally my DH's family will try it on and attempt control/try to make me feel like I'm jack shit and a 'nothing' part of his life, but he sticks up for me and insists they quit such behaviour. You both need to act as a united front.

If he refuses, then you don't have a MIL problem, you have a DP problem. I'd personally run for the hills if presented with this again!

This is not a MIL problem it's a DP problem.

He has a dysfunctional relationship with his mother due to her personality and his poor boundaries. He doesn't get (or want to accept) that it's a dysfunctional relationship and therefore expects you, to not only pander to her outrageous behaviour but to also accept that her 'feelings' and his pandering to them, will always take priority.

Right now you're focussed on your MIL's contribution to their dysfunctional relationship and not on your DP's because you love him and cannot yet see that always being last in this dysfunctional threesome will corrode your relationship with him.

His inability to erect and police strong boundaries with this personality disordered woman is his problem and there's not a damn thing you can do about it because it's not your relationship to manage. However, you are responsible for your contribution to the dynamic between you and your DP and therefore it is your responsibility, to erect and police your own boundaries to protect yourself from the impact of his mummy issues on your relationship.

Your not being over sensitive.

does your DP want to change his relathioship with his mother ? I think the answer is no , he's quite happy the way it is

So your choice is - do you want to buy a house , get married or have kids with him and his mother? Because that's how it's going to be - the three of you and the kids . As others have said , it will get much worse if you get married / have kids . Though I suspect you will never get that far , your DP will allow her to split you up before them .

Run,don't walk, away from this . Move for your job and you will find he doesn't come with you . And you have your answer .

I had a mil like yours. In the end it costed me my marriage. In my case and to be fair to mil, she was only behaving in the way she did because DH let her. Had I known then what I know now I would have run for the hills. Good luck op.

I have a mother like yours. She split up my sisters marriage and got custody of her only child .

I am NC with her or she woudl have destroyed my marriage and children too . She looks likes a sweet little old lady BTW, she doesn't have anything tattooed across her forehead

People like this will let nothing stand in their way , their goal is to have absolute power and control over their children . They are clever, plausible manipulate and ruthless . Don't even think of getting in a control battle with them .

No, you are not being over-sensitive.
My ex MIL was like that.
After our marriage broke up, he left the country for France.
She sold up and moved to him.
She literally moved to a foreign country. No knowledge of the language or culture but main thing was to be with her son.
Jeezus wept at the cross.
Run, OP. You sound like you have a lot going for you.
This will ruin your happiness. It will never get better.

Trouble is that to the outside world these MILs are often very charming lovely old ladies and people will start believing that the DW or DP is the problem!

And often the sons end up lonely people who can't find a relationship or whose wives are ground down.

I had a MIL like yours OP. No you are definitely not being oversensitive.
This is part of the manipulation that your MIL is using to remain in control - you are constantly made to think that the problem really lies with you. My MIL did this to me too.

You have some extremely good advice on this thread. Please listen to it.
From someone who had experienced exactly what you are going through, I wish I had taken drastic action years before I did. I love my DH very much but changing his mindset was very, very difficult and draining and I was very unhappy.
DH eventually realised how abnormal the situation was and that I was seriously considering leaving because of it. We went to counselling and he learned to stand up to her, and stand up for me.

After DH started standing up to my MIL life did get better. So it's definitely possible.
But in all honesty, it's something you will have to 'manage' indefinitely.

I have only really felt truly free and happy as a couple and family since my MIL died.

I have only really felt truly free and happy as a couple and family since my MIL died.

Me too and DH didn't allow her the level of control she wanted. The fact that she was trying to get it all the time was bad enough. He is grieving and relieved at the same time which is rather sad.

Have you ever said to him 'but, that's batshit crazy/not normal/completely OOT'? And if so, what was his reaction?

Yes Goldmandra, the constant testing of boundaries, attention seeking, new ways to try and gain control of our lives, or drive a wedge between us was always present.

Even though - like your DH, mine knew exactly what she was like, the energy required to handle these things took away time and energy from our own lives, jobs and DC.

She died only a few months ago. DH is grieving and feeling a sense of relief and freedom at the same time too. It's very sad.

I haven't really able to talk about this because I feel like a terrible person saying it, but I think I am actually glad she's dead. Wow. There I've said it.
Well, I guess it's not so much that she's dead I'm glad about, I wouldn't wish that on anyone, and it's tragic for her DH, DC and DGC. I guess I'm glad that she's not in my life any more.. And unfortunately death was the only way this was going to be possible.

Sorry for the brief hijack- it felt good to write that down.

MrsLion

You've said there a whole lot of things I've been feeling but not put into words

I think the length of your OP, the fact that you feel you have to detail every incident, is a testament to the fact that already your confidence in your perception of this is being shaken

You aren't in the wrong. This is not normal, and I think it's highly unlikely to change

Life is hard enough without hitching yourself to someone whose closest relationship, aside from you, is someone who disdains you

My MIL isn't as extreme as your DP's mum but she still made 10 years of my life really hard and miserable. I was living away from my family (literally on the other side of the world) I had 3 children in that time and I honestly don't know how my marriage survived. We moved back to the UK to escape as DH is so conditioned to jump when she tells him to he could hardly bring himself to make a stand, ever.

We've had 3 lovely years, we struggle for money more than we did before but that is such a small issue in comparison. We've just started arguing again over her coming to visit us this summer, the old tricks have already started and I'm not really looking forward to 7 weeks of hard work.

Think very very carefully before you marry this man, assume that his relationship with his mother will stay the same, do you want to live with that? What would his reaction be if you told him you were thinking about leaving him over it?

It won't get better without your dp doing some very serious work on himself, and he'll only try to do that if he can see that his relationship with his mum is wrong wrong wrong. That's the hard part.

Please don't have children woth this man until he's sorted. A baby will make your MIL's behaviour even worse.

Your understanding of how you want your relationship with dp to work is already shifting.

You said it yourself, she has made your dp into her significant other and is dependent on that relationship, so very likely she would much prefer him to be single. By existing you take up his time and attention that she feels belong to her, and you want to make plans with him she has no control over and which disadvantage her. She is not in favour of him being an independent adult or someone else's partner. His happiness will always for her come second to him meeting her needs, it is self interested.

No, it won't improve. As others have said, if you have a child it will very likely get far worse, as she will see the child as an extension of her son. I'm always desperately sorry for adult children messed with like this by emotionally dysfunctional parents but you only have to read this board to see how very hard it can be to live with.

OP but trust your instincts. From what I've read, it doesn't sound very likely that your DP will suddenly develop the urge to stand up to her or frankly be more independent from her.

My grandmother was this way with my uncle. He was the youngest and it was obvious to the rest of the family that she was determined to keep him with her (she was widowed young). She saw off multiple girlfriends, actively interefered in his engagement to his fiancee which of course ended, then several years later finally managed to see off another serious longterm girlfriend. He spent the rest of her life living with her and taking care of her. When she finally died he was in his fifties and it took him years to get used to being an independent man living by himself again. He did marry in the end but my mum feels sad that he never got the chance to have his own family and children earlier all because of my grandmother. My mum thinks that my gran planned it this way after my grandfather died when my uncle was a child. Creepy but I can believe it. Obviously this was an extreme case but I would seriously consider your dp's behaviour regarding his dm and think carefully if you can handle a future in which he doesn't change his behaviour towards his dm.

Hello Your

MIL will not change

Nobody will be good enough for her son !

Your partner does not see anything wrong, because this is all he has ever known. At 30 he wont change either

Move for your job, that will be the test

Only you can decide if you want to continue with the relationship

Been there, thank god we split up before getting kids and marriage serious!

The closest way to describe the partners mother was her thinking I was like an OW character fucking her son, who she had "rights" over. She'd given up on her own husband, decided she could turn her elder son into a surrogate one.

Over time, I not only detested her, but it killed any love I had for her son. Seeing the qualities which I thought were "easy-goingness" for the insecurity and fear which they really were.

I don't think you were imagining the glare. And yes, that "weirdness" in communication is symptomatic of the weirdness in her head: she really thinks her son is her partner and you're just some grasping woman who wants to steal "her property".

She will not change. She will guilt-trip your partner and manipulate and wage all out war against you.

30 is an excellent age for dating and starting again. You sound confident and level-headed and have the excitement of a new job and move which would mean a natural new social start.

Please please do heed the warnings given by others who say they wouldn't do it again.