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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He says he can forgive but not forget

50 replies

roseyox · 11/05/2015 14:00

Hey guys, I have been seeing a guy for quite a while. We aren't officially in a relationship.

To cut a long story short - I got really, really drunk one night and ended up waking up in his friends bed. His friend doesn't know we are seeing each other. I cannot remember the night. I kept it a secret as I knew how angry my guy would be. He found out and kicked off saying how upset he were etc. This was around a month ago and after initially telling me to never speak to him again, we are still speaking but he keeps saying he cannot forget aobut it and that it is all wrong.

Only this morning he once again said the reason we haven't seen each other since (he point blank refuses and I texted him to say i missed him) is because we both know why and he cannot get it out of his head and there are constant reminders.

I am at my wits end. I love this guy and he has said the same. Why we aren't boyfriend/girlfriend I don't really know. He knows how sorry i am and how much i love him. I don't want to lose him but I cannot take this much longer as there is only so many times i can say sorry!

I said i missed him and he replied saying he misses everything from before this happened.

What do i do? I was considering NC for a while and see how he reacts, but then part of me wants to show him how much i love him and how sorry i am too. I'm so upset and crying a lot. i feel like i am at breaking point.

OP posts:

colafrosties · 11/05/2015 14:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GrumpleMe · 11/05/2015 14:14

If he says he can't forget, believe him.

Respect his decision and leave him alone.

To be honest, it seems to me like he's using the incident as an 'out'.

Original poster

roseyox · 11/05/2015 14:17

He initiates speaking to me all the time, but we just haven't seen each other since he found out. If he didn't want anything to do with me then I reckon he would have stuck to his word at the time when he told me he didn't want to talk to me ever again :\ yet he has said he loves me since this happened.

Obviously i want to see him and cannot continue just texting each other as it makes it painful to ever move on if he decides that this is it.

Shall i try NC and see how he reacts? this will be some challenge for me as i love speaking to him

OP posts:

GrumpleMe · 11/05/2015 14:21

I think he's got you on a string.

Tell him once and for all that you are deeply sorry for what happened. If he's forgiven you, there is no need for you to keep apologising.

Ask him outright if he wants to see you again. If the answer is no, or vague, draw a line under it and move on.

Original poster

roseyox · 11/05/2015 14:22

its also worth noting he did actually agree to meet up a fortnight ago, and then last minute he didnt reply to me and said the morning after that he couldn't do it because it was wrong. that made me feel shit as i was so excited to see him and he knew this.

OP posts:

flipflapsflop · 11/05/2015 14:23

you should be the one doing the forgetting, specifically forgetting him. move on.

DrMorbius · 11/05/2015 14:24

Mixed messages in your post. What exactly was your relationship??

I kept it a secret as I knew how angry my guy would be then We aren't officially in a relationship So why did you keep it secret when you are not "in a relationship" with this guy Is he really "your guy"?
Its sounds like you have not had any discussion on being monogamous, as you have not had a discussion on being b/f, g/f.

I think you need time to think about exactly what your relationship was? Then it may be worth asking your friend what he thought the relationship status was? He can hardly complain if you were not an item.

Sorry if this sounds harsh but it sounds like you are pining for something that you never had in the first place.

Original poster

roseyox · 11/05/2015 14:24

thanks GrumpleMe i thought i'd go NC and if he asks why im being so quiet, it gives me the chance to explain just how upset this is making me feel - then he can make a decision and i may lose him but i cannot cope with this, i have been in tears all morning at work :(

OP posts:

Original poster

roseyox · 11/05/2015 14:26

DrMorbius i don't really know - we have known each other for years and then seeing each other for a while. i have never slept with anyone whilst seeing him and he knows this apart from this incident. i referred to him as my guy in the post just as a way of pointing out who is who lol

OP posts:

JammyGem · 11/05/2015 14:26

I wouldn't go NC if your only reason is to get him back - that's just playing games and not a good way to go.

That said, I think you are best just dropping him, forgetting him, and moving on.

FuckingLiability · 11/05/2015 14:28

Hmm. This rather sounds as though he will use it as a stick to beat you with for evermore and bring it up every time he wants to exert some control, make you feel bad or deflect attention from him. The arranging to meet you then cancelling at the last minute is the same thing.

It doesn't sound like much of a relationship.

TheJiminyConjecture · 11/05/2015 14:28

The advice you got last time you posted about this was pretty blunt but fair. You cannot remember if you had sex (consent implications etc), you weren't officially dating or in a relationship yet this bloke was completely unsupportive and using the situation as a stick to beat you with. You can do better than him.

differentnameforthis · 11/05/2015 14:29

You posted about this recently, didn't you?

If so, lots of posters said that due to the fact that you couldn't remember anything of what happened, it isn't really as straight forward as your 'not really in a relationship boyfriend' believing/forgiving you.

There were questions over as to how you ended up in his friends bed & what took place that you refused to discuss...your prerogative.

OP, please...you are wasting your time. He isn't dumping you, but doesn't want to be with you, didn't want to be with your before now (his reluctance to commit & keeping your relationship - what little there was to it - a secret!) He is holding onto you until something else comes along!

He isn't wondering what happened that night & asking his friend (who, if I remember correctly, was telling all & sundry about what happened) what he thought he was playing at taking a very drunk woman home.

He hasn't asked after your welfare after the the incident. He doesn't care!

GrumpleMe · 11/05/2015 14:30

I'm so sorry you feel so badly. Been there :-(

But NC won't work if you're only doing it in the hope it will get his attention. NC means blocking all forms of communication.

Look at his actions, not his words. He says he loves you, but he stands you up? Would you do that to him?

Original poster

roseyox · 11/05/2015 14:31

thanks guys. writing things down really helps me and makes me realise how much of a mug i am being. i am too old to be crying over him especially at work

OP posts:

pocketsaviour · 11/05/2015 14:31

You've posted about this before, haven't you? And there were some questions about whether you had been sexually assaulted by this other bloke, since you couldn't remember anything at all about the night? And instead of being supportive, your "not really boyfriend" decide to chuck his toys out of the pram.

I can't believe you're still wasting your time on this loser. Wake up girl! He doesn't love you, he just enjoys messing with your head. Delete his number and move on. He's making an absolute fool of you.

Cabrinha · 11/05/2015 14:48

Why are you posting it again?
He's not interested in you.

TokenGinger · 11/05/2015 15:00

My thoughts on this vary.

You're not in a relationship with him. Therefore didn't technically do anything wrong.

However, you say you love him. Your actions proved otherwise to him.

He's now keeping you on a string but clearly doesn't want you. I think he's probably just trying to hurt you like you hurt him.

I think you just have to accept that you've messed up and it's over. Don't use NC to fool yourself in to thinking he'll come back. Instead, tell him straight. Say, I know I made a mistake but I now understand you cannot forgive that. I appreciate I have hurt you and that you cannot continue, so to be fair to both of us, I will no longer initiate or reciprocate contact to allow us both time to heal.

Learn from it what you can - ie don't fall in love with a man who doesn't want to be with you or sleep with his friend.

Original poster

roseyox · 11/05/2015 15:52

because when he does speak to me, i know he does care about me. i know that sounds mad all considering but he does. maybe its more as a friend or something rather than seeing us together. i know i need to give up. thanks for replies=)

OP posts:

TokenGinger · 11/05/2015 16:08

He does care about you but he can't trust you.

At least he knows this and isn't prepared to put you both in to a situation whereby he's constantly questioning you, not trusting you, questioning who you are with if you're not with him etc.

RedKite1985 · 11/05/2015 16:12

If you are not in a relationship, why have you done the "I love you's?"

Also, the fact that he is remaining in contact with you is to probably work out if he can forgive you, if he loves you then not much can change that however he is obviously very hurt. You slept with his friend - that is a very low blow. Plus the fact you can't remember doing it isnt very promising. He will probably think you can do it again.

If I were you I would walk away and let him find someone who respects him

Original poster

roseyox · 11/05/2015 20:14

not spoke since he said that this morning. I shan't run to him so sod him he can do what he likes he know how I feel

OP posts:

Twinklestein · 11/05/2015 21:25

What responses are you expecting from this thread that you didn't get from the last one>

Twinklestein · 11/05/2015 21:27

Can't remember if I said this on the previous thread but I don't believe the friend didn't know you were seeing this guy. I think that's why he did it.

goddessofsmallthings · 11/05/2015 21:49

I read one of your posts where you said you woke up to find yourself wearing an item of the 'friend's' clothing and nothing else as far as I recall.

You said you remembered nothing of the night's events and had no idea how you came to be in bed with the friend or what had transpired.

This brought to mind incidents where other young women have found that, during periods of apparent amnesia caused by alcoholic excess, they were sexually exploited to the extent that photos/films of their 'lost hours' were circulating locally and, in some cases, to a wider audience on the net.

Some of these young ladies were effectively groomed by sweet-talking charmers prior to being taken advantage of by their less pleasant associates.

I'm not sure why you didn't immediately report your experience to the police and that course is still open to you.

If you're not prepared to report the matter, I suggest you avoid any further contact with the current object of your affections and his mates to prevent any possible repeat of that particular night.

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