He says he can forgive but not forget

[roseyox]

Hey guys, I have been seeing a guy for quite a while. We aren't officially in a relationship.

To cut a long story short - I got really, really drunk one night and ended up waking up in his friends bed. His friend doesn't know we are seeing each other. I cannot remember the night. I kept it a secret as I knew how angry my guy would be. He found out and kicked off saying how upset he were etc. This was around a month ago and after initially telling me to never speak to him again, we are still speaking but he keeps saying he cannot forget aobut it and that it is all wrong.

Only this morning he once again said the reason we haven't seen each other since (he point blank refuses and I texted him to say i missed him) is because we both know why and he cannot get it out of his head and there are constant reminders.

I am at my wits end. I love this guy and he has said the same. Why we aren't boyfriend/girlfriend I don't really know. He knows how sorry i am and how much i love him. I don't want to lose him but I cannot take this much longer as there is only so many times i can say sorry!

I said i missed him and he replied saying he misses everything from before this happened.

What do i do? I was considering NC for a while and see how he reacts, but then part of me wants to show him how much i love him and how sorry i am too. I'm so upset and crying a lot. i feel like i am at breaking point.

OP, he DOES NOT care about you! His friend raped you, at very best, all things considered, he sexually assaulted you & your not-quite-boyfriend doesn't give a shit.

Just carries on about how fucking hard done by HE is!!!!!

Forget him. Neither of you had agreed to an official relationship in the first place so what is he whinging about? If he was proud to call you his girlfriend he would have done so. Sounds like he is loving all the attention you're now wasting on him. Move on. Find someone else who is willing to have a real relationship with you.

You've said you're sorry and he's said he can't forget it. It's not going anywhere. You can't force him to keep seeing you so just leave it. Say 'adios' and delete his numbers and don't contact him again.

There is obviously a back story about your situation with the friend, but from what you have posted here, your 'not boyfriend' is hurt.

You can only deal with your side. Accept that he's hurt and decide whether you can cope with his hurt behaviour. If you can't, walk away. You can't make him feel less hurt.

lougle - except he isn't her "boyfriend" and it seems the sexual encounter wasn't with full consent.
OP - phone a rape help line and talk through it all.
He doesn't sound like a good guy - however nice he is when he's caring. Read through some of the threads here from women who have been abused - their DPs/DHs can be lovely maybe even most of the time, but that doesn't stop them being abusers.
He's just reeling you in with the nice behaviour, and he doesn't even sound "into you that much", just likes to keep you dangling.

Run - and fast.

Only on MN would a man who chose to keep his distance after his 'not girlfriend' went to bed with his friend be seen as an 'abuser'

If this was the reverse situation people would be telling the woman to have self respect and not let the guy off the hook so easily, etc.

Complete double standards.

Lougle, someone who blames a victim of sexual assault is quite abusery, don't you think?

not quite sure how we got from 'got really drunk and ended up in friends bed and can't remember a thing about it ' to the friend more than likely raped/sexually assaulted op and should tfherefore be treated with sympathy as a 'victim'. I agree with the pp. if you reversed genders on this.. ' I was kinda seeing this guy who got really pisses and ended up in a friends bed - he can't remember if they had sex or not -.He says he really loves me.. Can't see MN chanting a concerned chorus of 'poor we mite' you should be supporting him as a possible victim of abuse'. I seem to think they're would be a torrent of LTB before the words of the OP had landed on the screen. shocking double standards !. OP , you need to walk away from this one, chalk it up to experience and try at all costs never to drink so much that you put yourself in such a position that you can't recall your actions or unable to exercise appropriate judgement.

We got there via another thread Patchwork, in which the OP gave much more info, I would have thought that was clear from the posts here...

Lougle There is an extensive back story.

He is abusive, as is his 'friend' who raped her.

Patchworkpatty Op was so drunk she cant remember what happened.

Ergo - too drunk to consent = Rape.

Ched Evans was prosecuted & imprisoned for the same thing!

It sounds like he has some significant issues with commitment (to you at least). He feels he can't be called your boyfriend (or I presume allow you to tell anyone that's what he is) while still wanting to sleep with you and also having rights of 'ownership' so that his friend and you sleeping together, is an affront to his pride.

He can't have it both ways. You can put it like that, if you ever speak to him again.
I think moving forward to have a relationship with this guy would be a disaster as he clearly can't cope with being 'owned' by you, while you're his territory and no one else can have you.

It's fucked up x

OP , you need to walk away from this one, chalk it up to experience and try at all costs never to drink so much that you put yourself in such a position that you can't recall your actions or unable to exercise appropriate judgement.

Lovely victim blaming right there. There was also some concern that the op was drugged as she doesn't even remember drink 'that' much.

It is not wrong to call her a victim in this, and you would know that if you read the backstory.

Oh sorry, not aware of back story. Hope not TOTALLY irrelevant.

You're spot on Yorkie.

Oh

I had a similar bloke - not presumably in every way, not the angry type at all, but he wanted all the benefits of a relationship, all the pretence of it if you like, without ever admitting it was a relationship or ever might become one. We had sex very few times, but loads of time together, shared childcare (mostly me doing that) and sharing our lives like we were together.
Meeting his folks, etc etc - but he had a big party with about 100 friends and ignored me the whole evening, acting like he'd never met me before. I went upstairs to sleep and his brother who was visiting came and put a blanket on me, and offered half the double bed - we didn't have sex but we came close to it, I was officially 'single' anyway and had had enough of being treated like rubbish.

The next day he knew what had happened, and looked all tearful, then grilled me for details which I gave him. I haven't spoken to his brother since. His brother was lovely. I ditched the bloke though after that - I stopped answering his messages and refused to look after his kids any more.

He couldn't understand it but I feel so much better having got rid of him - it was a year+ of total torture. It was v hard to walk away at first as he was a huge part of our lives and on the surface was very friendly and nice.

Good luck OP.

Thanks Yorkie i know i need to walk away and eventually find someone who treats me properly, but i have known him for years and do genuinally love him, the thought of him being out of my life and never speaking to him again breaks my heart but as things stand he doesnt even want to see me :( i know i need to find someone who DOES want to see me and gets excited to see me as much as me them...

i just cant seem to find the courage to say all this to him and walk away. im so soft and useless.

Back story will be hard to find, as op name changed.

Essential facts

Went out, was drinking. Says she must have drunk a lot (to not remember) but had all her money left the following day!

Ended up waking up in her secret (as in no one knows about them, and they haven't labelled themselves bf/gf) boyfriend's friend's bed.

No memory of even speaking to the friend the night before & had she been sober, she wouldn't have gone there.

"boyfriend" found out as friend was bragging about it to mates.

"boyfriend" can't forgive ehr, but won't split with her either.

At best, it sounds like a monumental set up, at worse, she was raped & her "boyfriend" has a bruised ego & doesn't believe her

it is NOT a set up. please. and i was NOT raped. i got drunk and he took advantage but i dont want to refer to this as raped i just want advice what to do and that is clearly to ditch him but like i said, i love him and find it difficult i dont think i will meet anyone else. im not afriad of being single but i am worried of losing him as a friend too as we speak all day every day. that is all.

Rosey, I understand where you are coming from and all I can say is yes, it's really blimming difficult to cope with.

It took me several threads on here, making everyone very frustrated, before I got to the stage where I realised ignoring him and refusing to engage was my only option.

He held all the power, it was a massive power struggle the whole time, and I had no other way to take it back. It really baffled him when I stopped wanting to hang out with him. He even sent his children round on their own, to try and get back into our lives but I said we were busy and they went home (not far - safe distance to walk, clearly!)

Still saw him at school and so on - everyone knew him, it was a bit awkward, I wasn't horrible, I just kept saying ,no thank you - over and over again. Making excuses till he stopped trying, which took ages.

Very friendly, and pleasant, but NO. He got the idea in the end. I have moved away - I missed him for ages, Fuck it, I still miss him. But I don't miss the headfuck iykwim xxx

yorkie i think im quite scared of him not trying either - that would upset me, but i do know what i need to do :( we have mutual friends and i know i cant avoid him if i do say goodbye, i will see him about at one point i guess. its so hard how somebody can have this feeling over you! thank you for your words its really helped x

What a mess. Why do you want so much drama in your life?

You have to realise it isn't you he's upset about missing. It's his sense of ownership. That made it a lot easier for me - I really missed him, as in, the person he was, the closeness, his thoughts, his beauty. I missed his company too, a lot.

But for him, he missed having someone who did childcare for him, who was happy to act like a wife/PA/girlfriend all the time, who was always willing to drop everything to go round to his place.

He didn't want to be with me, because of me - but because of what I made him feel like, ie, important.

It was terrible walking away from someone I liked so much but when I realised he was NEVER going to want to be with me properly, and didn't mind how bad I felt about that, it became a lot easier to reject him. Because I wasn't rejecting love - I was rejecting being used.

Hope this does help. Take care.

Can you get away for a bit? Take some unplanned holiday and stay with friends/relatives/a cheap holiday? Get sometime to get away from everything and re-evaluate your life.
Ideally you would move away, get new friends and a new challenge - thinking about you for a change.
This situation really isn't good for you - and will never have a happy ending

roseyox I don't mean to upset you...I will stop using that word now, but it doesn't mean it didn't happen.

you havent done anything wrong. Youve got nothing to keep apologising for