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Original poster

DP and text messages

58 replies

PatMullins · 10/05/2015 21:02

I'm pretty sure this will put me in RL but I need somewhere to get this out

Yesterday I needed to use DP's laptop. His text messages pop up on there as they are sent/received.

The most recent exchange was him discussing his (our, but zero mention of me..) upcoming gym membership with a woman he knows from when he used to attend (before we were together)
She was trying to convince him to join her gym, him asking her to join one near us- long story short it turns out they want to be each others "motivation" and her being there would make it "worth the trip"...charming really, since we were planning on going together

This morning I tried to be nosy..I know, I know.
He has put a password on the laptop message thing.
He's taking his phone everywhere, it hasn't left his side.

I really don't know what to make of this, and I'm not sure if I'm making a bit deal about nothing?

And yes I took pictures of the exchange and emailed them to myself.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 11/05/2015 11:13

What's your plan Pat?

Original poster
PatMullins · 11/05/2015 11:17

I want to see his Facebook messages. Petty I know, but still.

If that's not possible I'm going to have to say something when he's home from work, my DD has gone to her dad's and DS is asleep.

I don't think I can stay calm though, I really don't know how to approach this. Thankfully, I've never been in this situation before.

What do I say if he makes out me snooping is the bigger issue? If he tries to minimise it or play dumb?

OP posts:
Vivacia · 11/05/2015 11:23

"We're not talking about me reading your messages, we're talking about you being unfaithful"? Not sure, because you snooping is an issue and is another reflection on the state of your relationship Sad

What do you want to achieve from confronting him? It feels to me that you want to confront him but you wouldn't consider ending the relationship.

AliceHoney · 11/05/2015 11:35

Pat, I just had to write this because exactly that happened to me - when I confronted inappropriate behaviour, my ex made my snooping out to be the big deal, and by the time he'd finished twisting it round and playing the injured victim I thought he must be right and I must be an evil bitch. Looking back on it now I can hardly believe this, and I'm so ashamed of it, but I actually APOLOGISED to the bastard, and he made a big show of graciously accepting. Obviously, in all the drama of that his original dodgy behaviour got swept under the carpet. I'm not saying that this will happen to you, but what I'm trying to say is that if you confront him tonight you need to be very clear and very focused, and refuse to be sidetracked by diversion tactics. Come up with a sentence that sums up your main point, eg. "we're talking about your behaviour, not mine, let's keep to the point " and just repeat it calmly if he tries to go off at a tangent. Best of luck. x

Original poster
PatMullins · 11/05/2015 12:33

I wouldn't have snooped if it hadn't popped up, curiosity got the better of me Sad

I don't know what to achieve, I think I just want to make him feel like a dick and to let him now how hurt I am

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 11/05/2015 12:47

he won't feel like a dick, he has already justified anything dodgy he is up to

he doesn't care if you are hurt, or he wouldn't be making you feel like this

decide what behaviour you are prepared to accept and then act accordingly

this is about you not him

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 11/05/2015 12:56

Phone glued to his hand and new fondness for passwords. Too busy at work to contact you as he normally would.

People with nothing to hide don't sneak around. DP's doing all this behind your back and suddenly conversation and simple courtesies have dried up too, looks like this friendship is impacting on your relationship - not exactly innocent behaviour.

I think every so often it's reasonable to establish boundaries and right now he is veering off track.

BitOutOfPractice · 11/05/2015 13:31

I would just say

"I know about you and Miss Gym Knickers." And then watch his reaction, very closely. Say nothing else.

I'm sorry you're going through this. His behaviour is certainly a bit suss

CupidStuntSurvivor · 11/05/2015 13:40

"I snooped once I saw something suspicious, not before. Now, care to explain?"

I'd do myself some more snooping and confront him tonight.

Original poster
PatMullins · 11/05/2015 13:46

The text messages refer to their Facebook conversation so if he does delete them then I'll know they definitely weren't meant for my eyes

I will talk to him tonight

OP posts:
CupidStuntSurvivor · 11/05/2015 13:50

Is there any way of getting on his FB before confronting him? You know there's definitely more there.

HellKitty · 11/05/2015 14:02

You weren't snooping, you said you went to use the laptop and these messages flashed up. So you don't have to excuse what you did.

HelenF350 · 11/05/2015 14:05

Good luck tonight OP. Hopefully this can be nipped in the bud. I know I would be furious in your position, you are doing well to remain so calm.

Original poster
PatMullins · 11/05/2015 14:06

I've tried getting on there but I can't work out the password
...do I want to know what they say? I'm not sure

I'm so angry right now I can't think straight

OP posts:
Woodenheart · 11/05/2015 14:08

If you know his email password, you can log in to his FB & click on 'forgot password'

Then sign in to his emails to change FB password.

This was what I did & found what I needed to confront my Ex, and he was angry that I had done it. Not at all sorry though.

About 8 emotional affairs were there in front of my eyes, on the screen,

he left to be with one of them, I was pregnant but better off on my own.

Leviticus · 11/05/2015 14:13

There is a huge difference between proactively going through his messages and reactively reading them in response to something you've inadvertently seen.

You have a child and a life together and you have a right to know where you stand.

Original poster
PatMullins · 11/05/2015 14:14

I was thinking of doing that but his emails go straight to his phone so he would know

I'm so sorry that happened to you, Woodenheart Flowers

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 11/05/2015 14:16

I read my ex-DP's emails (I did have his log in to do stuff for him when he was working away). I had a much closer look at all the boring looking work-reated folders and hey presto, fund out about his OW

TBH although I know it's a wrong thing to do, I don't regret it. The uncertainty was literally sending me insane.

Good luck OP Thanks

letscookbreakfast · 11/05/2015 14:18

Please be aware that if you reset his Facebook password he'll know as soon as he tries to login and there'll be no going back.

Woodenheart · 11/05/2015 14:23

It was a shock after 9 years together, but I remember watching him for weeks,

Hiding phone, standing at the end of the garden to make calls, new clothes, ignoring me, the lot!

He told these girls he was single, etc and they believed him. They were all old friends from school & ex-girlfriends.

I remember shaking so much, when I read it all & feeling faint.
I gave birth 8 weeks after he left the County, I have no family here at all, a work colleague was with me at the hospital, the next few months were hard, but you DO get through it, you really do.

Flowers you become so so strong.

BitOutOfPractice · 11/05/2015 14:31

Woodenheart I remember that feeling when I found out. I thought my heart would literally hammer its way out of my chest, dizzy, the works. It's a horrible horrible feeling Sad

So glad you're doing OK now Thanks

Woodenheart · 11/05/2015 14:45

Thank you both, If only you could have a crystal ball to let you know, that its all going to be ok,

The anxiety is overwhelming now OP, but you will be fine, have you got a friend you can talk to also, you might need support with a newborn.

BitOutOfPractice · 12/05/2015 09:59

How are you Pat? Did you speak to him?

Original poster
PatMullins · 18/05/2015 10:31

I did speak to him.

Before I'd had the chance to though, he came home from work with my favourite flower and apologised.
He didn't say much at all, said he wasn't thinking, has been an idiot etc etc

I've been trying to pretend all is normal and put it behind us but last night it hit me hard.
I saw his Facebook messages- turns out they had a 'thing' which only didn't develop because she went off to uni. From reading what he said to her, she is the one that got away and that's what makes this even more hurtful.

Any confidence I did have has been destroyed. I feel fat, ugly and disgusting. This girl is the epitome of his 'type'.

He has sent her a message to say he was stupid to send what he did and they are not to talk again.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 18/05/2015 10:42

Oh hell Pat Sad

Have you spoken to him about it since? Told him how you're feeling?

I have a feeling he's minimising massively - don't allow him to

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