Husband wants the jet set lifestyle?

[happywifey]

Hi All ,

I wanted to get some advice on whether I am being oversensitive and hormonal, or if my hormones and intuition are right.

I met my DH 4 years ago at a party, we were both living the single independent life, him with an excellent career in Investment banking and a bachelor lifestyle, my less so great but years being single and independant. When we met we both gave up this lifestyle and many of our single friends dispersed, but we stayed friends with couples, and settled in to a different lifestyle. Sadly, DH lost his Job, and didn't work for 2 .5 yrs, but my career picked up and we were still happy during this time.

DH happily found a Job this year and his career has picked up again. At the same time, I became pregnant. We are currently looking for some property in the countryside. We visited somewhere yesterday which is 4 miles from DH new job, however is quite isolated, allbeit beautiful, has a church a pub, no shops, about 10 houses and no public transport. Big change from Central London. However, the house is nice enough

My dilemma is the semidetached house we went to see my DH loves, not due to the house but due to the next door neighbour. He works in Similar field, travels frequently, in to sport, but what concerns me is that he is a bachelor and from meeting him I get the impression he lives a certain , womanising party jet set lifestyle and I recognise it well because my DH used to do it.They spent 2 hrs chatting yesterday and got on incredibly well. He is charismatic, fun, a real party person. This is what concerns me though.

This guy was saying that he spends alot of time travelling abroad to such and such events here and there and is in to such and such and goes to this and that event. DH seems to have a man crush which I understand. He himself hasn't been able to do these things for the last 2 .5 yrs due to lack of work, and his friends are all married. Now he has the job, the money, but he also has a wife and and child on the way. I am not sure if he is thinking about that though. He is thinking about all the possibilities with this guy of the things he can do. I feel I am going to be stuck on my own in a place with no friends in the area or company whilst my DH travels to Monaco etc etc.

My hormones/ intuition are screaming NO NO NO , but I am not sure if it is because I am pregnant, or insecure because I am pregnant and am going to need my husband through this pregnancy and my intuition is telling me if we live next door to this guy this is not going to happen. I keep telling myself my DH is sensible and is completely different ( as I am) now. I tell myself he cares about me and will obviously not do anything to hurt me. However, I understand very well the temptation of this lifestyle . Very well. I just feel we need to be more sensible and take less risks at this time and think about our baby. Maybe this is unrealistic though and I am being needy?

Am I being insecure and unreasonable? Please be honest.

Tricky one. But I'd think very carefully about whether you want to be stuck in the middle of nowhere with a new baby. Will you have any family or friends nearby? If not, you'll become very isolated and resentful of your dh being able to go out to work. If you plan on returning to work yourself, are there decent childminders/nurseries nearby?
With the neighbour added into the mix, I'd be saying a big fat no to this property tbh. You say the house is nice enough, but that doesn't sound as though you're bowled over by it enough to risk being so isolated.

Yea, moving into a village without shops or public transport and a baby is a really bad idea.

Especially if you're used to living in London.

What are you going to do if you have a car that's not working/not enough petrol, a sick baby and a doctor's appointment and your man is living it up with NDN in Monaco, or wherever..... (and spending family money!).

It would be my idea of living in a prison.

I'm a LP living in a city where I have everything at my disposal thank god cos bringing up a child is relentless.
But that's just my preference re. my situation. My alter ego would love to live in the country

Good luck with whatever you decide and congratulations on your pregnancy!

If he wants to buy a house based on a load of puff from a stranger, next door, do not trust him with any decision bigger than whether of not to get a hamster.

I think going from London to village is a pretty tough move. If he got another job, and so this property was no longer 4 miles away, but precisely the arse end of nowhere, would you still be happy in it?

Even without the possibility of tempting next door neighbour (you could go the whole hog and worry that your husband will end up having bumsex with him, as well, if you like) you are frankly nuts to want to move to some six-fingered backwater when you have always lived in the city.
You will end up at home, alone, with a screaming baby and no friends, no shops and no transport. Even if you think you fancy baking bread and raising chickens and making twiggy shit and gingham hearts to sell on Etsy unless you are used to country life and have the practical skills, you will be utterly miserable.

I understand wanting green fields etc for your children to grow up in, but those are easy to get in the suburbs, where there is also decent public transport and a fair amount of diversity and mobility. I love living in Zone 5, for instance: we have a shopping centre, trains in every direction, vast choice of schools and yet we can be roaming through immense ancient woodlands and chalk heaths and paddling in the rivers within about 15 minutes bus ride from the front door.

I can see why you're worried and think your instincts are right. The man crush may be a sign he is yearning for the neighbour's life. Thing is the neighbour is likely to be embellishing all aspects of that life. He's not in a penthouse in Knightsbridge or Canary Wharf is he? He'll be bigging it up I expect, and your dh is probably feeling competitive and thinks he's missing out on something. It's ridiculous to buy a house because of the neighbour anyway but aside from that, when your dh is so easily led on this, you wouldn't want him next door so you have no end to the competition. Whereever you end up make sure it'll be right for you when the baby is here.

Surely wherever you end up your dh may form a 'man crush' on someone?

Neighbor sounds like a pompous git. I'm sure he'll be all mouth and no trousers.

He's selfishly fantasising about his short four-mile commute while completely forgetting that you'll be on your own without a single friend or acquaintance within shouting-distance. Please don't do it.

Two and half years he's been out of work, and this new job he's only been in for a few months. That's lot of big changes without factoring in chucking you into "some six-fingered backwater" (love it!) with a new-born while he goes back to the life-style he enjoyed before it all radically changed. It could all change back again before you can say "knife". Then, you could both be stuck in said backwater

If your husband is looking for the high life; the bachelor lifestyle, no matter where you live or work, he will do it.

If it's not this guy swaying him, it'll be a colleague or someone else or himself.

Your H sounds a bit immature to be honest, are you both very young?

Agree that you have to make sure you retain your financial independence and your own (totally separate) bank account, so you never end up feeling trapped whilst he swans off into the highlife.

How long after you two "gave up" the party lifestyle did DH lose his job? If it was only 6 months or a year, that isn't really long enough to prove that he has got the "jet set lifestyle" out of his system. Having spent 2.5 years out of work, what he gave up may seem even more like a frustrated dream.

Having a baby and his getting a new job are big changes to both your identities, and it could be a good idea to limit the changes, or make the steps one by one, so you maintain support around you both for the next couple of years.

Oops, x-post with Bitter!

I wouldn't move either for all the reasons others have listed. In fact I am 8 months pregnant and I fought DH on a move to zone 4 (we live in zone 1!) until the early stages are out of the way!

I live across the road from Sainsburys, next door to my GP and close to my familiar baby groups and DS (2) is in a brilliant nursery 5 mins' walk away where he is loved and well-cared-for. I can get milk, nappies, or calpol any time between 7am to midnight and be back within ten minutes. And we live close to friends who despite being a couple who have no interest in children (and are gay men so unlikely to have them either) have always been happy to invite our child to dinner or board game evenings or parties that they host and one of them will always run down 3 flights of stairs to help carry the pram up. It made a huge difference to me when we had DS being able to get out and about and not feel so isolated, especially without other adult interaction from work.

We are house hunting now for a family home type dwelling rather than a warehouse conversion apartment, but I'm conscious of how well my current set up will help me and I don't want to lose all that. In your situation it would be me rather than DH fantasising about the jet set lifestyle I used to have, but at least staying in London for now makes me feel connected to the hustle and bustle a bit more and I don't feel I'm losing touch completely with my old life.

I think what your intuition is telling you is that your husband is still massively tempted by that lifestyle; that the 2.5 years he spent having a 'normal' life was simply because he didn't have a job, rather than his desires had changed; and now he's back in the 'life' he is enjoying it. The neighbour is incidental to this.

Have you thought through how country life will work for you post-baby? Even if you didn't have any neighbours, you'd still be waving your husband off each day, he'd presumably have a big commute. If the village is so tiny, how are you going to manage for childcare if you decide to go back to work?

Don't move to that house!

Sounds like you don't know if you can count on your DH. Bad plan to move to the sticks. What if DH loses his job again, and / or you want or need to work?

Why did it take him so long to find work?

If it is not that house, it will be a colleague at work.

He has been supported by you for a few years while it suited him. Now he is keen to continue where he left off.

I think you need an honest discussion with him, how he plans to finance both his jollies away with mates and a nanny / au pair to be in his place when he is out having fun, and how he plans to be a good dad and husband while continuing a Batchelor life style.

You need that discussion whether you move to that house or not. You are not with him in work, to see what sort of boasts/talks he gets up to with colleagues about how he want to spend his time. If he gets into this type of discussions with a stranger, chances are it is who he is and wants to be, and he talks this talk with anybody who wants to listen to him.

Are you worried because the conversation with new neighbour highlighted a side of his personality that worries you, that you hadn't seen for ages and thought had gone for good?

The man I'm divorcing is pretty addicted to the lifestyle you describe, I'd say. I can't see him ever shaking it off. He sometimes said he was sick of it, but really he couldn't live otherwise. If your H wants this lifestyle then I don't think a supposedly jetsetting neighbour will make any difference?! Very odd he's more keen on the neighbour than the house ...

Why are you moving somewhere so isolated? Are you still working? We briefly looked at moving out of the capital after our first child was born. I was dead against as you need a car to do everything and with small children it's really isolating too. For many many reasons I am now oh so glad it never happened.

Some friends did it (but most did it later, for the schools, not because of the husband's job, as it seems to be in your situation) and the wives in their majority found the isolation really hard to deal with.

For me being able to just nip to the shops, GP, playdates, activities really made a difference. I think it's also easier for childcare.

Can you not wait until after your baby is born to move? If I really had to move I would at least try to be near the centre of town/village, not in the sticks if you're not used to it. As others have said I would really research GPs, activities, childcare and nurseries before you do anything. I'd also go on weekdays to check out how lively (or not) the village is. Some towns/villages are more active than others.

But anyway from what you say about your H I think I'd prefer to stay put until the baby is here so you can see in familiar surroundings how your H takes to fatherhood.

I need to know where these high-paid, high-flying jobs in the sticks are. Anyone? Anyone? Is the pub a front for swingers? There were rumours about our local, but nope, it was nothing but hard-core drinkers.

The man crush turns into a full-blown affair as the husband discovers he is gay. The pair of them run off to Ibiza. She goes on to take up with the local drunk who gets her involved with cannabis distribution (small town, you know) and they wind up star-crossed lovers trapped by Her Majesty's cruel justice.

It seems like a great idea to move to a rural idyll when you're pregnant, but it's really really not a good time to make a huge change like that. Being with a little baby can be lonely, and you might want to make it easy on yourself to wander out, meet people, even the stroll to the shops, or to baby group feels like being in the real world.
I live in the country now, I have to get in the car every time I go anywhere. But my kids were older when I moved here, I already had them in school etc, I knew people here, my family are only 30 mins away and I STILL, gorgeous though the views are, feel a bit isolated sometimes.
Honestly, I think you should slow down, wait and see how your life changes when the baby's here before you put yourself through such a big life change.

Thanks everyone for your replies! Didn't expect a response so soon.

Just to clarify - We are both late 30s, 1 DS uni at aged 18 (mine) and 1 on the way. We are moving as DH got a job near the countryside and does not wish to commute from central London every day which is understandable. I am more than happy to move out of central london ( pollution, noise ) to the countryside but would prefer something less remote. I lived in Zone 6 and suburbia previous to moving to London and although lovely we would like to be closer to DH work as he will be working long hours and the commute will be too long and we would have to live apart otherwise.

The place that my DH found is 4 miles from his work , and the guy next door is similar in ways to him , ie banker, in to sports, classic cars, etx etc .Re the man crush and being tempted, I wasn't sure whether my doubts & fears were because of my hormones. I feel it possibly is them making me feel a bit insecure, worried about being left on my own with a baby , not so much about moving but fear of being isolated with baby whilst I imagined he might be off gallivanting to Monaco etc. Not that he has done that for the last few years, but we also don't have a next door neighbour leading the lifestyle who seems to want DH to move in so they can become best buds. Intuition is screaming 'NO NO NO'. I am also worried about being more dependent on DH for finances, although I will be working from home before and after baby but will be self employed and part time.

I have just asked DH again why he is so interested in this area, he says it's the distance from his work and having someone intelligent next door who he gets on with. When I mentioned my fears that the neighbour might be living the bachelor lifestyle, and therefore probably has few responsibilities ,parties, and women, and compared it to his own previous lifestyle, DH agreed that it might not be the best place to live Particularly with a small baby. (YAY!!!) Also, we are going to explore bigger villages and towns around the area as rural living may be too isolated.

Don't bury yourself miles from anywhere with a new baby. You are going to need a social support network and things to do with the baby or you will go mad with loneliness and boredom. Go for big village or small town or suburb if you want to get out of the city. The charismatic next door neighbour will be the least of your problems.

Oh, cross posted. Good decision.

Yup good decision! Isolation is not the way to go with a small baby.

Re isolation - there is a place we saw yesterday which has a few excellent schools ( prep and state), lots of houses and seemed very friendly, but no shops, has a bus, post office , 2 pubs, good road links but no train station. Has anyone lived anywhere like this before? How small is too small?