i went out with someone for 2 years and discovered afterwards it was all a total lie - can't get over it, please help

[1banana2banana]

I am, what I thought, a strong person. Have a history of loving, kind, honest boyfriends. I divorced dh a some years ago as we drifted apart (mainly due to us working opposing hours).

I met a man in 2012. He told me he was single. We started seeing each other and it was wonderful. He was/is very involved with a social scene in the town where I live though he doesn't live here. Due to me having my kids full time, he always came here, I never had reason to go to his though I know where he lives. After lots of discussions, he moved in after around a year of us seeing each other. I ran a credit check on him before he moved in because I hadn't met him through anyone I know (even though he is 'known' locally) and wanted to check he was legit. Credit check comes back clean - says he has a mortgage on his place that has one or two missed payments but nothing major.

I won't go in to how I discovered what I did but essentially he is still married, with a child. I believe he stayed with me this long to get money from me - I didn't give him a lot but for example, he works in a low paid job with minimal hours so he started doing things like buying the food for the house and ferrying the kids to sports clubs. It's now clear to me that I would transfer money for food etc and he was spending half of it then keeping half himself. He has a major gambling problem which I discovered when I noticed something on his phone (all linked to his wife/his joint bank account).

He has gone back to his wife now. I believe she was in on it too because I got a text from her at some stage basically laughing in my face. I subsequently discover that dp sent her our most private messages/emails and she has taken a picture of me off his phone which she has sent to her friends (a topless one). I have made it clear to them that if they distribute it I will call the police.

But I feel such a fool. I'm so sad :(. How did I get taken in? He was so loving and kind but I now see it was all a front :(.

Even worse he is still going out everywhere in my town as if he has done nothing wrong. One of his friends spoke to me the other day and it's clear he has told them a complete lie about what happened.

How will I ever hold my head up here? One of my friends suggested I should move but it's not that easy. My children are in secondary school etc

Oh my god, that is hideous. You poor woman.

Sounds like you were conned. I would be fuming and have half a mind to call 101 and discuss. Couldn't hurt. Be kind to yourself and remember it's not your fault, they are evil.

I was very angry at first but now I'm just devastated. I feel like I can barely walk out the front door even though I've had to carry on working.

He has obviously lied to all his friends (but that's all part of it isn't it?). He is one of those life and soul of the party types who people want to love/like so they believe everything he says.

I just can't believe it tbh!

I would tell everyone my side of the story. That he cons people and how he used you. I would make sure that the area I had lived in was still mine to live in. You did nothing wrong. You must be devastated.

It's not your fault for being a trusting, loving person who has faith in humanity and was actively deceived and lied to.

Don't let him change you to become bitter and unhappy - that's when he's succeeded. Get the anger and shock out and then spend time having fun and being happy. He has major problems. Cut him off and retain your healthy personality.

Do all his friends not know he's married then? How's he spun cheating on his wife?

hold your head high, and if anyone asks, tell them the truth!

He told them all that his wife was a psycho - and really played on that to the extent that they just discounted the fact that he was married as according to him, he couldn't get a divorce because of her not allowing it etc. He had other girlfriends before me - I wasn't the first.

I tried to tell my side of the story, no-one is interested.

I suspect he has told them I am behaving like a psycho now and they are probably believing that too

You have been a victim of fraud. Of course you feel devastated.

If his wife was in on it and it was a pure money making scam I'd go to the police.

It's impossible to prove. I spoke to a lawyer who said I will get nowhere. They would contest the story. When I discovered the photo had been taken I asked Dp to keep any texts from his wife (at this stage I didn't think they were in on it together) showing that she had done this and send them to me and of course he didn't. I have nothing to prove anything.

So did you ask if he was married? Had kids etc?

There are some scumbags around, you did nothing wrong. Why worry what others say about you?
Bé strong, wishing you all the best.

It is actually only recently that I realised she was in on it. I kicked him out the minute I had some other suspicions confirmed but he came back to pick up some stuff and when I looked at his phone, I saw he had sent all our stuff to her. Even at that stage, he was peddling the line that she was a psycho and had hacked into her phone and sent them to herself. Even at that point, I fell for it and it was only after he left that I realised they must have been in it together.

Hacked into his phone...

Yes I asked. He said he was single and no one said anything different.

What I have realised is that if you peddle a story strong enough about someone then manipulate the situation so that that person behaves the way you have portrayed them, people totally fall for it.

So he is portraying me as a mad woman now - I go out and tell people this frankly unbelievable sounding story. What am I doing? I am perpetuating the image of me as a mad woman and people disbelieve me and believe him more!

The only thing I can use in my favour is that there are some friends of his (older people) not his closest friends who I think would believe me. His closest friends aren't interested in what's happened - they have told me explicitly they do not want to be involved.

Also I heard that he had told his closest friends that I would try and call them to tell them some ridiculous story and how awful it was that I was trying to mess up his social life because I was a bitter ex girlfriend.

I think their wives/girlfriends might believe me.

But should I bother? Should I just concentrate on moving on?

I am just not sure I can hold my head up locally (it's a small town) if everyone thinks I'm some psycho ex when I'm not!

Then don't tell them. Just say things didn't work out and change the topic. Do however speak to the police about what has happened, he has conned you and the police may not at this point be able to do anything but if others before or after you also end up talking to the police it could help build a bigger picture.

Take care of yourself

Yep, I think the only way to carry on is to muster up your dignity and say nothing. If you try to tell anyone anything, it will serve to confirm whatever bullshit he's been spinning. Confide in YOUR friends and carry on as if you never met him. However, if anyone else asks, you can fill them in on the details. Eventually douchebags always out themselves.

Thank you everyone

I just wanted to say I have been here. When it happened to me I was young, naïve and had a good job, own house etc. I met someone who I truly cared for and was with him for 2 and half years before discovering they were married (still with wife!) and had two children. He cost me over £5,000 in helping him clear debts so we could get a place together etc, etc. I don't know his reasons, beyond the money, but suspect ego, power, control had a lot to do with it and for a long time I was consumed with anger, hurt and rage. I discovered purely by accident and was amazed at how deep the web of lies went, including friends of his that played along. He lied about his history, his past, his parents deaths (very much alive!), his hobbies, his age, his children's existence, his work - the person I knew was an entire fabrication.
However I just wanted to come in here and say you do move on and it does get better - I think the level of deception is hard to overcome and for learning to trust myself in my judgement was a big one to deal with. But now nearly 10 years later I am married to a wonderful man, with two beautiful children. I often reflect on what I've learnt about people and human nature and resolve to never be like that. Learning to trust again was hard, and holding face with my family and friends close to impossible but time was the greatest healer - as cliché as that sounds! xx

So sorry this has happened, sounds absolutely awful

I think you should concentrate on moving on. It is going to hurt more telling your side of the story and people not wanting to listen or get involved. I can understand why you want to give your side of the story, I would too.

Try and hold your head up high, people will come to see he and his wife are the psychos not you. It doesn't always happen straightaway.

I wish you the best

I don't think your story is unbelievable at all. It's not uncommon. I believe you.

As regards his friends, they must all know he's married with a child, even if he bills his wife as a psycho, who hasn't heard that line before? His closest friends know that he's still in a relationship with his wife and tends to have gfs on the side. It's not so much that his friends don't believe you, but that they don't care. They never bothered to warn you he was married did they?
They're arseholes.

If you say you didn't know he was married, he convinced you he was single, thus the whole relationship was based on a lie. That's perfectly believable.

But I don't think his friends sound like nice people, or even very intelligent, so does it really matter what they think? Even in a small town these are not the only people in it.

Everyone else has given you very good advice already. I have just one comment... if you ever feel even the need to 'run a credit check' on somebody, walk away then. You have children.

Don't give money; they managed without you before you met and they'll do so again. Learn from this and whatever 'remedies' you think you could seek, put them out of your mind because they're holding you back.

How did I get taken in?

It's what con men do. They are good at it.

There are tons of stories like this. Read this and then google Mary Turner Thomson.

www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2610749/EXCLUSIVE-Moment-heartbroken-woman-conned-globally-infamous-fraudster-bigamist-fake-CIA-agent-turned-tables-New-Jersey-parking-lot-police-sting.html

Thanks everyone, and thank you for sharing personal stories

Running a credit check is not a bad thing when you're single. My ex husband had a dreadful credit past which he disclosed to me but when someone comes and lives with you, you need to make sure that debt collectors aren't going to bang your door down!

In a sense it isn't about lessons learned, because it was almost impossible to spot. But tbh a year in, something told me it wasn't all right but I ignored that and I should have listened to myself.

1banana that's one thing I remember too - I distinctly remember saying to a friend everything was good but there was like there was a shadow in the corner of the relationship and I couldn't work out what it was. And when he asked me to marry him - yes he really did when already married!! - I instantly said no, it was a gut reaction and I said I didn't feel I fully knew him. Shortly after that I discovered the truth - but somewhere inside I knew it wasn't right but choose to ignore that voice - that's a lesson I'll never forget!!!

I really feel for you. Not quite the same situation but my ex partner was arrested last year for something very serious. He's walking around like nothing has happened, got a new girlfriend who clearly adores him (and I can't tell her because it's not public knowledge yet) and has basically told all of his friends what an evil bitch I was who dumped him and broke his heart. Because the criminal justice system is so painfully slow he has yet to be convicted. He also committed a criminal offence against me but a solicitor advised me not to get involved. So I don't blame you for not wanting to go to the police or press charges - the whole process of being interviewed by the police was very upsetting and I knew I couldn't face the thought of going to court. I think I made the right decision, especially considering it's been several months and his case is still no further forward. You have to be incredibly mentally strong to go through that and put up with the frequent delays. I know I would have completely cracked.

I feel very angry that he's able to carry on his life and paint himself as the good guy. I've become a bit of a recluse because I'm scared of bumping into him and his friends. I know that's ridiculous when I've done nothing wrong but I hate being portrayed to be something I'm not. If anyone has asked questions, I've just said the relationship didn't work out and changed the subject. I am actually planning on moving, although I'm not in a position to currently. I know you said you can't, in which case hold your head up high. It's extremely humiliating I know but I keep telling myself my ex will get what's coming to him at some point and your ex will too. If he has that big a gambling problem then he will get into trouble with the law or loan sharks or whoever at some point. And him and his wife are painting themselves to be absolute arseholes to their friends. Perhaps not the healthiest way to think but if you tell yourself he will get his comeuppance one day, albeit it sometimes takes a long time, it might make you feel a bit better. It helps me to feel better anyway. The day when the truth about my ex comes out can't come soon enough but until then I just get on with work, see my family and try and get on with my life. It's not easy because my trust in people is so broken and I question my judgement. My ex is also a master manipulator who has made me feel guilty about dumping him, even though he brought it on himself and went crying to his parents about what a horrible person I am. This was very upsetting for me because I love his family and have known them a long time. Of course, they will naturally side with him and I'm just going to have to accept that I will probably never see them again. It's sad but I will get there and you will too. It just takes time but remember you've done nothing wrong. I have to remind myself of that frequently.