i went out with someone for 2 years and discovered afterwards it was all a total lie - can't get over it, please help

[1banana2banana]

I am, what I thought, a strong person. Have a history of loving, kind, honest boyfriends. I divorced dh a some years ago as we drifted apart (mainly due to us working opposing hours).

I met a man in 2012. He told me he was single. We started seeing each other and it was wonderful. He was/is very involved with a social scene in the town where I live though he doesn't live here. Due to me having my kids full time, he always came here, I never had reason to go to his though I know where he lives. After lots of discussions, he moved in after around a year of us seeing each other. I ran a credit check on him before he moved in because I hadn't met him through anyone I know (even though he is 'known' locally) and wanted to check he was legit. Credit check comes back clean - says he has a mortgage on his place that has one or two missed payments but nothing major.

I won't go in to how I discovered what I did but essentially he is still married, with a child. I believe he stayed with me this long to get money from me - I didn't give him a lot but for example, he works in a low paid job with minimal hours so he started doing things like buying the food for the house and ferrying the kids to sports clubs. It's now clear to me that I would transfer money for food etc and he was spending half of it then keeping half himself. He has a major gambling problem which I discovered when I noticed something on his phone (all linked to his wife/his joint bank account).

He has gone back to his wife now. I believe she was in on it too because I got a text from her at some stage basically laughing in my face. I subsequently discover that dp sent her our most private messages/emails and she has taken a picture of me off his phone which she has sent to her friends (a topless one). I have made it clear to them that if they distribute it I will call the police.

But I feel such a fool. I'm so sad :(. How did I get taken in? He was so loving and kind but I now see it was all a front :(.

Even worse he is still going out everywhere in my town as if he has done nothing wrong. One of his friends spoke to me the other day and it's clear he has told them a complete lie about what happened.

How will I ever hold my head up here? One of my friends suggested I should move but it's not that easy. My children are in secondary school etc

Yes middleofchaos that's exactly it - and I won't ignore that voice again.

Pandora - that is awful :( and I really feel for you. They will get their comeuppance I am sure of it.

I just went to a house warming party that was held by one of the girlfriends of his friend. I wasn't going to go (ex couldn't go and I knew that) but I thought I would. It was really interesting as someone said to me 'oh ex was telling us he had broken up with you long before you actually did' so I now know (although I did know) that he was peddling lies about me for ages. People do seem to realise what he is like but they choose to ignore it. I don't think I want to be friends with those people but I did meet some people through ex who sent me messages of support and I will stay in contact with them.

It is horribly painful though. And it will take me a long time to recover from this. I don't want a scene locally so I have to carry on with my head held high for my children but it is hard!

It is hard but you can do it. I forgot to say my ex is a life and soul of the party type as well so he's incredibly popular. Eurgh. You just have to remember that these kind of people are very good at manipulating others and at least you were able to get out and see him for what he really is.

I believe you too. I had a similar experience where I was conned but by a friend and her husband, and they spread many lies about me after I found out too. It's devastating and remains one of the worst things that has ever happened to me but it does get better. Truly, it does. This is the worst bit.

yes I suppose at least I can see it but my goodness it is hard. I got up this morning and barely felt like going to work. The biggest problem for me is that I am the type of person that likes closure (I hate that word but you know what I mean). With this type of person, you never get closure. I will never know how much he lied but I imagine a lot of it was lies. I will never know when he said he missed me or loved me whether he was just saying those things to be able to carry on manipulating me. There is a part of you that just WANTS to believe they loved you and missed you just a little bit but in the end, it was all a load of bollocks.

The worst thing is I still see him all the time. Walking in the street etc, going out with his friends. He looks so happy, as if nothing has ever happened. The worst thing is his life carries on as it was before. He has just transferred 'being looked after' from me back to his wife and he barely blinked an eyelid. They are welcome to each other quite frankly but I find the lack of pain and upset on his behalf just like a shot through my heart. He came into my life and turned it upside down but he has carried on with his life as if nothing ever changed because it never did. I suspect he was seeing his wife the whole way through the relationship.

I could do him over now if I wanted. But I need to stop being bitter and try and look forward. I am trying to arrange meals out and forcing myself to go out and try and be normal even if I don't feel like it :(

If it were me every time I saw one of his friends and they brought him up I would simply say "you could have warned me you swine!" and laugh. Don't let him think he has broken you, try and look unaffected and just a bit annoyed that you wasted your valuable time on him.
Chances are his mates think he is a bit of a saddo anyway.

I'm so sorry for you, it's really awful and I wish you the best for the future. The thing is, did you have permission to run a credit check, because if not you've broken the law (as far as I know). You might need to get this thread deleted.