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Original poster

Relationship where women outearn men

70 replies

Shuang · 09/05/2015 23:16

This was prompted by a recent conversation with a friend. Last time we spoke was about two months ago and she was at the sweet exciting honeymoon stage with her new date. But during our recent call she told me it is not going as well at the moment mainly due to the income gap between them. She is older hence more experience in a highly paid industry while he has limited experience in a not so highly paid area.
She is the one who often has to pick up the bill as he is clearly uncomfortable when they went out. According to her they were not really expensive places.
This is also a topic I am personally interested in finding out a bit more about people's experience. If one gets into a situation where a woman significantly outearns a man, is it possible to have a normal dynamic in the relationship?
Any experience or opinions welcomed.

OP posts:
Nolim · 10/05/2015 08:17

When my oh and i started dating we made about the same. When we started living together i made a little bit more and we split the expense proportionally. He has gone through a couple of brief periods of unemployment and he has felt bad about not contributing to the household but the way i see it it was supporting our family. Now i make more, and we have a joint accoint for expenses. When we decided to have dc we considered him becoming a sahd but he found a job that pays more than the nursery fees. This arrangament works for us.

Op what do you mean by a normal dynamic? Obviously the dymamic changes as the relationship moves forward.

PurpleWithRed · 10/05/2015 08:18

I had far more problems with XDH who earned significantly more than me but wanted to keep finances separate - just another little controlling tactic.

I earn more than NewDH and brought significantly more equity to the relationship, but we have no problems as we agree on how we handle our finances.

Sounds like your friend either doesn't appreciate how little her man has to spend, or she suspects him of being a freeloader.

Strictlyison · 10/05/2015 08:19

In my experience, i have often heard in discussions, drinks out with friends, dinners etc women stating with pride 'I earn more than DH' however, I have never heard a man stating 'I earn more than my wife'. I can see that in this tread, most of the posters so far who earn more than their husband have opened their posts with the statement 'I earn that much more than DH'. I think that in all relationships, one partner earns more than the others and it's nobody elses' business. I would be upset if DH would state at some dinner party that he earns more than me therefore he'll pick the bill...

so basically what I'm saying is that maybe your friend should look at her attitude too before blaming the other half.

Original poster
Shuang · 10/05/2015 08:33

Thanks all for sharing your experience and views. By 'normal dynamic' I meant a balanced dynamic between both parties where neither feels uncomfortable due to the fact that f outearns m.

OP posts:
Allgunsblazing · 10/05/2015 08:41

The problems occur when the woman not only outearns her partener, but is also expected to do the wifework. So, you work full time, pay most of the bills, do most of the cooking and cleaning, organising the house/holidays/social life. You've got yourself something aptly called cocklodger. A very expensive one at that.

Hoppinggreen · 10/05/2015 08:46

When we met at Uni we were both skint.
DH went on to do a further degree while I worked so I earnt more
DH graduated and got a good job, he earnt more
I changed jobs, I earnt more
He changed jobs, he earnt more.
I became a sahm, I earnt nothing
I started my own business didn't earn much at first
My business took off and I matched his earnings.
DH started a business and his earnings dropped so I earnt more.
DH business took off so we now earn the same but if certain things happen I will get a huge commission so I will earn a lot more.
None of this has ever caused In issue in our relationship so if you have a solid relationship anyway then it doesn't matter who earns more but if there are cracks already I suppose it could widen them.

30ish · 10/05/2015 08:49

I earn 2x my dh salary. Neither of us feel uncomfortable about it - it's our money, joint. It's never been an issue.

When we first started dated, we would split the bill 50/50. When we bought our first home and moved in together, we opened a joint bank account.

Original poster
Shuang · 10/05/2015 08:50

It is a good point that some have raised it could be more challenging during the early dating days than in a long-term marriage/partnership.
Personally I probably will find it awkward if the date himself is uncomfortable about either the income gap or the bill at a restaurant. I would not have an issue if he could just say I can't afford this meal can we split the bill, or better still, I can't afford places like this can we eat in or have picnic in the park. To me the latter approach in a way shows a guy's confidence and honesty.
During my nearly 10-year (failed) marriage, I never had an issue or even gave any thoughts to the fact that I earned more. However I only recently found out it bothered STBX during one of his rants.
I guess that's where the personal interest lies about this topic which was just prompted by my friend's recent experience. I would like to be mindful about the situation and ways to navigate through it in order to enjoy the early stage of a relationship. After all it's so common nowadays that women have higher earning power.

OP posts:
GnomeDePlume · 10/05/2015 08:54

If they are in the early stage of dates then they perhaps need to consider how those dates work. It is easy for the wealthier party to see dates as inexpensive when they have a surplus so can easily afford things. For the less well off the date can look horrifically expensive.

A simple solution is to take turns at being 'host'.

DH and I have been together for nearly 30 years. When we first got together our earnings were very similar (sweet FA!). Over time my salary went up and now my salary is about 5x DH's. However, like others it is 'our' money not mine or his.

Joysmum · 10/05/2015 08:58

A normal dynamic is that in most couples, they DON'T earn roughly the same throughout their lives. This has nothing to do with a male/female divide.

When I first got together with my DH 22 years ago, I earnt 6 times what he did and worked very long hours to support him through his apprenticeship.

In our relationship, we've never accepted an employer's valuation as being the tge valuation we place on each other.

As we have an equal partnership, we have equal spending power, whatever our respective incomes value us at. Anything else wouldn't be fair.

GnomeDePlume · 10/05/2015 09:00

Shuang if you are considering how to handle the disparity then do consider taking turns. Dates dont have to always mean expense. In fact that might be a good way of getting to know each other. What else do you like doing together?

Kampeki · 10/05/2015 09:08

I would have a massive problem with this situation if my DH had a problem with me earning more, because I think that would make him incredibly sexist.

Thankfully, one of the major reasons why I now earn what I currently earn is because of the tremendous belief that my DH has always had in my abilities (more than I ever had in them myself!) and the encouragement that he gave me to pursue opportunities that I had identified. Without his support and encouragement, my career might have looked very different.

A man who is threatened by his wife's earning power is pathetic. A woman who feels aggrieved by her husband's inability to out-earn her is mercenary and entitled. And they are both living in the dark ages!

Original poster
Shuang · 10/05/2015 09:12

Gnome thank you taking turns is a brilliant idea and good way to see how creative a date is :-)
Personally I am a cheap date. My favourite date would be a trip on Thames clipper followed by a picnic in Greenwich Park. Weather permitting! :-D

OP posts:
BestIsWest · 10/05/2015 09:59

Kampeki, I agree 100%. DH has always backed me and encouraged me.

Marisaurus · 10/05/2015 10:11

We pay 50/50 on most - or alternate if we know we have another evening coming up.

If I want to go somewhere out of 'our', as in 50% his, budget, then it's on me as my treat. That's very rare though!

whattheseithakasmean · 10/05/2015 10:13

I earn more than my DH, but I also spend considerably more. I have a wildly expensive horsey habit & work hard so me & DD can have pony fun. DH would never earn enough to pay for that sort of indulgence & really why should he? I can spend silly amounts with a clear conscience. He hardly ever buys himself anything, bless him. Works for us - over 20 years & we still love the bare bones of each other.

Skiptonlass · 10/05/2015 10:16

I think it's not so much one earning more than the other, as the magnitude of the difference and whether one person us flush and the other one struggling.

If you're both earning an ok wage and one earns quite a bit more, I see that as less of an issue than if one is really struggling and one has lots of disposable cash.

When I first met my hubby I was absolutely skint. He was great and paid for meals out etc. now I out earn him but we both do ok and that is not the same dynamic at all.

whattheseithakasmean · 10/05/2015 10:50

When DH & I got together we both had nothing. Then I earned more. Then he earned more (when the kids were wee & I hardly worked). Now I earn more. We tag team - with the emphasis on team. He inherited some money & spent it on the family. I inherited some money & spent it on the family. Who keeps score? I think that would be tragic. It is all for one & one for all in our house.

sharksteeth · 10/05/2015 11:07

DH has always been on a low income and he doesn't have a salary at all now. I've always earned several times his income. When we dated we tended to go for low key nights out which weren't too expensive, but we'd roughly take turns to pay or he'd often get tickets to events he could get for free through mates (which would normally be charged for). So even though he couldn't afford to pay equally he always made an effort to arrange something. I would pay for expensive things like trips away, which I was happy to do and it wouldn't have made sense for us to not go just because he couldn't afford to pay half.

When we got married DH had lost his job and was on benefits, while I was close to a six figure salary. So we pooled everything once we were married (and he lost his benefits due to my income), but we've always regarded it as our money since our marriage anyway. We've never had issues with it and don't keep track of who spends what. Some people can be a bit funny about it, but it doesn't bother me or DH at all.

avocadosarentmiddleclassed · 10/05/2015 12:26

I earn more than my dh but I work full time and he chooses to work 3 days a week so we just go 50/50 on everything and I do expect him to be doing household things when Im at work and he is not.

Poppiesway · 10/05/2015 15:01

I've just come out of a short 6mth relationship, partly because I never heard the end of it that he'd never had a girlfriend before who earnt roughly the same as him, (and wasn't after him for his money) and he felt uncomfortable about it!!
we would take it in turns to pay but even then he felt didn't like me to pay for anything. Which made me feel uncomfortable.
I've also just realised (after reading allgunsblazing post) that my ex dp was a Cock lodger.. I worked full time and earnt double him but still paid bills, did all house work and organised everything. And he wanted "pocket money" from me as I had spare left over. How I never realised he was this till now I don't know!!! And we were together 14 years!!

I now wouldn't feel secure in a relationship where there isn't a financial balance.

Trills · 10/05/2015 15:15

Definitely agree that this could be an issue while "dating", but hopefully shouldn't be by the time you are in an "actual relationsip" - if you can't frankly discuss finances with your partner then who can you discuss them with?

I think an imbalance in financial attitude would bother me more than an imbalance in earning power.

CheersMedea · 10/05/2015 16:12

I think it's really a question of personality and attitude to money.

I'm very old fashioned and always wanted a partner who earned more than me. I have a high income and never wanted to feel that my partner was leeching off me. This restricted my dating pool but I don't regret it - my DH and are well suited and have the same outlook as regards spending/saving.

I do know couples where the woman earns more than the man. In some cases, the man is very secure in his masculinity and it doesn't bother him. It's an equal partnership and everyone is happy.

In other cases, the man is very obviously living off his partner in order to have a lazy lifestyle that suits him. It seems particularly common in artistic fields ("my husband is in a band" - for which "read my husband is a lazy has-been waste of space who aged 45 has failed to realise he is not going to be Mick Jaggger").

In other cases, the woman is very dominant and deliberately chose a financially weaker partner in order to have economic and emotional control - rule the roost - and the man is a total wimp.

It is utterly, utterly dependent on who is involved and their own attitudes. I would add to that (again depending on how affected individuals are by others opinions) that your social circle can have a big effect on this. It is hard work if all your high-earning friends see your partner as a leech who is living off you. If your social circle is more balanced, peer pressure is less of an issue.

GERTI · 10/05/2015 16:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

furryleopard · 10/05/2015 16:57

I earn more than my DH, we have a joint bills account and use this for all family outgoings. We each pay proportionally into it. We also have a personal account each for whatever we want to spend it on.

Later in the year after my maternity, DH will be a SAHD and I'll be back at work. This is by far the best way to work out for us. I think he'll be really good at the childcare/house/cooking, much better than me.

My DH has never had an issue with it but BIL has commented previously. I think him and SIL have a strange set up where they don't seem to pool anything and pay 50/50 despite SIL earning more.