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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Found viagra and need advice please.

46 replies

Nickibee1985 · 09/05/2015 16:48

Hi everyone,

I hope someone can give me some advice because I feel like I can't think straight right now and don't even know what's right and wrong anymore.

I have suspected my partner of 8 years has been cheating on me since around August 2014, just after I fell pregnant with my first child which I sadly miscarried. I have not found any concrete proof that he has cheated but all the red flags are there and despite trying to get over it, I cannot ignore my gut feeling, it just keeps coming back again and again.

It all started when he suddenly started doing A LOT of overtime at work, some days he was working 19 hours, he's a carpenter but in the previous 7 years he never had to work so many hours, sometimes he wouldn't get home till 4/5 in the morning, this was while I was still going through the emotional pain of the miscarriage. Along with the change in working hours came a huge ego, like I've never seen before from him. As well as other things such as blank vacant stares as if he's looking straight through me, not communicating with me much, less kisses, seeming happier when he leaves to go to work than he does about coming home, he also started talking/laughing in his sleep EVERY night, which he never used to do. Around the same time I first started having suspicions that he was cheating, I noticed he turned his text msg notifications off on his phone, I asked him to put them back on which he did, but I keep finding that he's turned them back off again, they were off when I checked last night, what reason can someone have to do this? and there have been around 4 occasions when I have found out his phone is on aeroplane mode when he is with me, last night was the most recent, but how many times does he do it when I don't know about it? The night before I found an empty pack of 4 100mg viagra hidden in an old iphone box in the kitchen drawer, he's only 32 and never had a problem with me. I asked him about it and he got defensive and swore at me and then an hour later told me his friend at work gave him 1 and it was to see if anything felt different and that it was so he can last longer for me, but I feel so betrayed that he would do this behind my back and then hide it so sneakily, what else is he hiding? I can't get it out of my head that he's cheating, is all this proof enough or am I being dramatic, I just don't know what's real anymore. Please, any advice will be appreciated.

OP posts:

pocketsaviour · 09/05/2015 16:56

All the warning signs are there I'm afraid. Can you get his phone off him and check his texts? Browser history on his PC/Ipad/laptop? Facebook?

handfulofcottonbuds · 09/05/2015 17:04

I'm sorry about your miscarriage I had two and I know how heart-wrenching it is.

Trust your instincts.

What carpenter works those hours and gets in at 4am?

Hiding message alerts on his phone! My stbxh did this and it would light up the bedroom throughout the night but he said it was just work emails coming through

Why would he use viagra, and hide it from you if he can't even kiss you? The defensiveness and swearing at you is also a sign of a cheater.

I'm sorry for you.

AnyFucker · 09/05/2015 17:06

There is no carpentry work to be done at 4am

He is a liar and a cheat. You know it.

Original poster

Nickibee1985 · 09/05/2015 17:06

Thank you for your reply. My heart beats like mad whenever i think of even picking his phone up because i am so scared of what i will find, but at the same time im not prepared to just ignore this. He doesnt use a laptop, only his phone and doesnt have facebook as far as i know, he has twitter, and apart from the fact he was following a few young 17/18 year old girls, again out of character for him, i havent found anything. He used to always leave his phone lying around but then started keeping it on him even when he goes for showers or to the toilet, when i mentioned this he stopped doing it, but thats probably why he started putting it on aeroplane mode. I just dont know what to think or what to do but dont want to be made a fool of.

OP posts:

Original poster

Nickibee1985 · 09/05/2015 17:12

Thank you handfulofcottonbuds, i am so sorry about your miscarriages too. His no work was a bench joiner and would work normal hours, but then he said he had to go out and do shopfitting and would be travelling as far as norfolk some days, the thing is, his wages always seemed right for the amount of overtime he was doing, but that company was very dodgy where it seemed like they could do what they want, people adding extra hours on their timesheet here and there etc, he even described it as more of a youth club himself, hes around a lot of young 19/20 year old boys and i dont know if its this thats changed him, the company is currently undergoing liquidation but hes still tbere cos apparently the company is still running but under a different name.

OP posts:

pocketsaviour · 09/05/2015 17:28

I would get his phone off him when he's sleeping and have a look. Surely it's better to know than be tortured by these doubts?

WrappedInABlankie · 09/05/2015 17:32

You know deep down he's cheating.

Shocked at how many people would snoop through someone's phone.

Don't even bother of you have so little trust in him and the relationship you're even thinking about it then you need to end it. Checking his phone isn't going to change how you feel

handfulofcottonbuds · 09/05/2015 17:40

I never checked my ex's phone, ever. I just knew.

I think you know he's lying and cheating so the details won't change that. It's down to what you want to happen now.

I might be different to others and to some extent in checking phones etc, I needed evidence too as it was so sudden, so out of character for my ex but be wary as once you've seen messages, pictures, whatever - they stay in your head.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 09/05/2015 17:43

He'a the one being dishonest. So I think in that case it's fair game to check his phone. If the OP needs the confirmation, then she might find it there. He's not giving her reasons to trust him, is he.

helsbels1978 · 09/05/2015 17:49

so his paypacket is suggesting he has indeed been carrying out this extra overtime?! He's doing a lot of suspicious stuff, and i'd wager he is probably cheating but, in his (and any other carpenter's who may be 'under inestigation') defence, i can assure you that many carpenters (in particular commercial contractors) work pretty late nights and travel great distances.

my younger brother is a joiner/carpenter for a small firm that does a lot of shop/office contracts. he often travels south (he was in manchester last month...we live in aberdeen) because most businesses put lege jobs out to national tender now. he's had many a nightshift over the last few years. it doesn't mean he's living a double life.

you have 3 main options:

ignore it. not likely. 2)speak to him honestly, calmly, and with love. tell him your concerns...make hime remember that he does/did love you and make him be honest. the risk is that (knowing you're onto him) he lies, destroys all the evidence, and becomes a better cheat. 3)go columbo. go through his phone, laptop, hire an investigator...whatever. problem with this is that you lower yourself...and (to some people...not necessarilly me) become part of the problems that may help 'justify' him cheating (a healthy person in a healthy relationship doesn't rifle through their partner's private things). remember your failure when challenging the viagra thing.

to my mind, option 2 is the only way to go

Original poster

Nickibee1985 · 09/05/2015 17:57

I think you're both right, i have a lot of thinking to do, its hard to throw an 8 year relationship away (one that i was disowned by my whole family for) on a gut feeling and without any real concrete evidence, but i never accused him or even thought that he may be cheating prior to all this, im currently tucked away in the bedroom for a bit of space because when i am around him he gets in my head and makes me think im being crazy. Today he said "i dont ever think you would cheat on me" and then 5 mins later said "well how do i know the baby was mine, bit funny how you didnt get pregnant all them years (i have pcos) yet suddenly after 7 years you get pregnant." Im normally a really strong woman but i feel broken over all of this. Is gut feeling enough? This morning he went to the shops whilst i was still in bed but he knew i was awake, i went downstairs after he left and his phone was on charge, this is the first time hes not took his phone with him anywhere, i could have checked it then but felt like he was thinking this would prove hes not guilty and that he would have deleted any shred of evidence so knew it was pointless lowering myself to his sneaky level, and sure enough when he came back he said "see, i left my phone here". I just really do not know what to think.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 09/05/2015 17:58

Does he make you feel happy ? Secure ?

That's all you need to "think" about, love

handfulofcottonbuds · 09/05/2015 18:00

He said what?!

That's just heartless, callous and bloody nasty!!

I have never said this before but LTB - for that comment alone!

Original poster

Nickibee1985 · 09/05/2015 18:02

Yeah i would hate to see any pics/msgs for fear that they would always be with me and ruin my self esteem permanently.

Yeah his pay packet seems legit, but he could have been making extra hours up on his timesheet for all i know.

Unfortunatley he would have already been destroying evidence all this time cause i asked him outright if he was cheating just a few weeks after i first suspected and have brought it up a few times since then, i.e. when i find his txt notifications off or phone on airplane mode

OP posts:

evelynj · 09/05/2015 18:07

He sounds awful, just for the 'how do I know the baby was mine' comment alone.

BuzzardBird · 09/05/2015 18:15

If he does refits in banks I have seen them working at 3am. A friend's DH does this and he works all hours for commercial properties (inc banks).

I think the issue is that the relationship has changed and what he said about your baby is unforgivable to me. Is that something you can get over?

The fact that you feel you need to check up on him and he appears to be either deliberately winding you up or is definitely cheating is the issue.

Sit down, frank talk time.

BuzzardBird · 09/05/2015 18:17

Sorry, forgot to add that his sudden change of ego and working with a younger crowd might mean he is taking something, and I don't mean Viagra.

handfulofcottonbuds · 09/05/2015 18:25

....because that's what young people do buzzard? No offence but I have to disagree, I know lots of young people who don't take drugs and are very anti.

I don't think it's right to excuse any of his behaviour on drugs.

AnyFucker · 09/05/2015 18:33

Actually, it is very common for a younger and older crowd in the building trade to be on all sorts

handfulofcottonbuds · 09/05/2015 18:51

AF - you know I value your take on things as I do buzzard's but I again have to disagree. I come from a family of tradespeople and I know they don't take stuff - not being naive either, I just know.

I just don't feel it's helpful to make excuses for this man's behaviour as he has shown OP no respect and we know the best thing is to trust your instincts.

Ego mainly comes from getting attraction from elsewhere. His comment about your tiny lost one was abhorrent!

Original poster

Nickibee1985 · 09/05/2015 19:16

He has just said something that has shocked me and thrown me off. He said he would pay to do a lie detector if that would prove he hasnt cheated. I have never asked him to do one, nor do i really want him to because imo if you have to do that then theres no point anyway. Part of me feels bad because i am mainly going off gut instinct here because all the other red flags could mean something other than cheating, and i have to admit i have been giving him hell over this, we've been arguing since i found the viagra on thursday night, its not good for either of us.

OP posts:

WrappedInABlankie · 09/05/2015 19:17

Say yes

He's expecting you to say no and feel bad!

handfulofcottonbuds · 09/05/2015 19:19

IMO, he has said he'll do a lie detector because he knows you won't do it and he wants the questioning to stop until he decides what he wants to do.

Does anyone on here think this is innocent?

What do you think about the comments on your miscarriage nicki? That's not the response of a loving partner.

AnyFucker · 09/05/2015 19:21

handful I value you too

my family, your family maybe not

but commonly in the building trade....yes, drugs are a big part of it

Original poster

Nickibee1985 · 09/05/2015 19:21

I can get over the baby comment, even though it hurts, because i know it was said while we were both angry, and i say things that i dont mean when im angry too, i dont think he meant it in the way it came across.

OP posts:

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