Advice please - Partner working away

[Bloodwood]

My husband has always had times when he is required to work away. A couple of years ago he spent 4 months abroad, but we had planned and talked about it and we managed it fine.

Since then it has only been 2-3 days at a time.

However in the last few months it has been becoming more and more frequent and unpredictable. eg; He said he would be away for 3 days, after 2 he told me there was a problem and he would be staying longer. It turned out that he wasn't even in the country that I thought he was in.

He came home on Thursday at 3am and had a couple of days at home, now he's leaving again to step in for someone who is off sick.

When he is home is amazing and makes a lot of effort with spending time with me and our young children and doing household jobs etc. He gives up on sleep because he wants to have as much time with me as he can.

But it feels as though when he is at work he completely forgets about us. Once he is in the 'work' mindset he doesn't think about anything else. I'm not even sure why I feel like that, because he does text or call when he can. I've had a lot of anxiety and depression this year and this situation is making it even harder to deal with.

I have spoken to him about it several times and he is very understanding and says he hopes things will improve again soon and that he will try to make more effort to keep in contact.

Anyway...

I talked to a close friend about it earlier and she suggested that maybe he was having an affair which really upset me because obviously that is not true and I honestly can't imagine why anyone would say that. It is making me doubt myself and then I feel guilty for not trusting. She must have thought it for a reason? She knows both of us quite well and it's bizarre that she would even mention the possibility that he was unfaithful to me. He isn't that kind of person at all.

That is why I have copies of DHs flights. One of the flights he was initially booked on crashed and I knew he had rebooked at the last minute so wasn't desperately worried. Also his mother, sister and sisters boyfriend are all sick. It's important I can contact him at a moments notice if necessary. Phone reception isn't always great.

I really disagree it is an opportunity thing,

My point about opportunity wasn't opportunity in the abstract (although I'm sure that applies to some absolute shits who would take any opportunity) - it was more about opportunity coinciding with that amazing falling in love/lust/butterflies type feeling.

This is rare - which is why it is exciting - but stands to reason in a life time a married person will find that with another. Not just "I like the look of you" but that X-factor that's akin to falling in love. AND if that super-sparky feeling (which admittedly is more likely with someone you know a bit rather than a total stranger - eg. a work colleague) coincides with opportunity, it is a very high risk situation.

If you have anyone working away a lot, it ups the chances of this happening at a time when opportunity + little chance of discovery are also on the table.

Remember, life is a long game. A marriage can last 60/70/80 years and for many people at least 20 - 30 years of that will be in the work place.

Oh OP, I don't think you should be worrying about affairs. Unfortunately a lot of people who have been burnt post on mumsnet, but it is not helpful for you or your marriage that people put that idea in your head.

I think people should trust their parents until something clear happens that wipes that trust away. So far you say that you haven't seen any change in your partner other than in the nature of his work. Please keep trusting him, I think it is very important in a marriage. Letting suspicion get the better of you is the quickest way to ruin a good thing.

OP, this is how it reads to me:
the problem you were having was that due to short staffing your DH has been travelling more often and for longer. Presumably the general short staffing has led to the need to stay and cover for problems as they arise (and he is in an industry where problems arise).
Also pressure of work and focus on his job, and presumably long hours, means he is not in contact much.
Your other problem is that you have been suffering anxiety and depression. Then, despite being in a marriage where your DH does all he can to make you and the family his priority when he is home, and your own previous lack of worry over potential infidelity, a glib comment by your friend gives you a whole new worry.

There is no evidence that he is having an affair.

All the upset you have been feeling is nothing to do with any symptoms that he could be having an affair.

The extra upset is due to a comment by a friend. Anyone can speculate groundlessly.

You could be having an affair. How would you feel if your DH was worrying to a close friend that you seem increasingly depressed and anxious and the friend said 'perhaps she is having an affair , after all
You are always away, it makes it more likely'?

Your DH sounds like a hard working guy who loves his time at home with you.

The wrong country thing is not odd at all. Anyone who travels regularly for work knows that it's easy to lose track. I'm often asked where my husband is and answer 'somewhere in Europe' . In these days of mobile phones you don't need to know which office, which hotel etc as you just call their phone if you need to be in touch.

In these days of mobile phones you don't need to know which office, which hotel etc as you just call their phone if you need to be in touch.

This is crazy - not because of affairs (although knowing exactly what hotel they are in and calling on a landline is probably not a bad thing in that context) - but because of safety.

As I said above plane crashes happen, hotels burn, terrorist explosions do occur. I would never let a partner (or anyone I love - including parents and siblings) travel without knowing their flight number and/or the hotel they were staying in. During major incidents, communication networks are often overloaded/damaged or fail totally.

I think this is to the power x 10 million if you have children.

I just don't know how you can have a relationship with somebody if the idea that they are going to have an affair is in the back of your mind all the time. It must be horrible to live like that.

I am sorry your friend put that thought in your head, once it's been heard it's hard to 'unhear' it and you end up, as you are now, questioning things that may not need questioning and trying to rationalise things that don't need to be rationalised..

A lot of us who travel or have travelled for work understand the possibility of last minute business trips or trips that end up being extended or cut shorter at the last minute.

My DH travels a lot and I don't always know what country he is in, I specifically remember thinking my DH was in Qatar when he was in fact in Kuwait, or thinking he was in Moscow when he was in Almaty. I don't stay on top of his itinerary, equally t often changes as the trip progresses, he stays longer in one place and cancels another location.

We do stay in touch by text, he always texts to say he has landed safely, he will usually text each evening to check that we are all okay, but we don't have daily phone calls.

I have his PA's number, if I ever need to know exactly what hotel or flight he is on and that is fine by me.

This just reminded me of an incident years ago with my DH. I was pregnant with our first child and my husband was working on a big merger/acquisition for his company, he was travelling extensively all over the globe , visiting the locations of the other organisation, and he was always in the company of a lawyer called Vivienne, whom I had never met.

I am embarrassed to say I kind of became obsessed with the idea of him and Vivienne having all the luxury trips together and I became a bit suspicious and the thought of him and Vivienne having an affair/fling came to my mind very often. Disclaimer, I was pregnant.

I did even mention to my best friend at the time that I worried about it. It really was on my mind a lot. I would always ask him who was going on the trips with him and of course, Vivienne was always there, and I would get a bit of a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.

Then one day my DH tells me that Vivienne had a baby, I was totally taken aback because he never mentioned that Vivienne was pregnant, conversation went like this

Me, you never told me Vivienne was pregnant!
DH, I didn't know
Me, how could you not know?
DH, I just didn't, nothing was ever said.
Me, but didn't she look pregnant
DH, I don't know, how would I know?
Me, she would have a bump, like me ! (high pitched voice at this point)
DH, I never saw her.
Me. What do you mean, you never saw her.
DH, I never saw Viviennes wife,
Me, (slowly the penny dropped for me ) Ahhhh, so she is a lesbian!
DH, Who is a lesbian?
Me, Vivienne!!!!!!!
Him, Vivian is a GUY and his wife just had their first baby !!
Me, Oh, right, ok ! I thought Vivienne was a woman !!

I spent months and months, imagining that Vivienne was some tall willowy, beautiful, very smart female, and my husband would be unable to resist her charms, while his pregnant fat wife was stuck at home watching baby stories all day long and whose reading list didn't extend beyond 'What to expect when you are expecting'. LOL

To this day, I have never told my husband that I worried he would be falling

It was big lesson for me in how you can easily misconstrue something very innocent and I still have a good giggle about it . LOL

I have his PA's number, if I ever need to know exactly what hotel or flight he is on and that is fine by me.

Each to his own. I can't imagine anything worse than having a panic about whether my partner/parent/loved one was on a flight that had gone down/ in a place where there had been a terrorist attack and then having to scramble to find his PA (who no doubt would be out to lunch) to get the info to get peace of mind - because you can't get hold of him/her/them.

Always have the flight number at least.