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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Advice please - Partner working away

60 replies

Bloodwood · 09/05/2015 13:23

My husband has always had times when he is required to work away. A couple of years ago he spent 4 months abroad, but we had planned and talked about it and we managed it fine.

Since then it has only been 2-3 days at a time.

However in the last few months it has been becoming more and more frequent and unpredictable. eg; He said he would be away for 3 days, after 2 he told me there was a problem and he would be staying longer. It turned out that he wasn't even in the country that I thought he was in.

He came home on Thursday at 3am and had a couple of days at home, now he's leaving again to step in for someone who is off sick.

When he is home is amazing and makes a lot of effort with spending time with me and our young children and doing household jobs etc. He gives up on sleep because he wants to have as much time with me as he can.

But it feels as though when he is at work he completely forgets about us. Once he is in the 'work' mindset he doesn't think about anything else. I'm not even sure why I feel like that, because he does text or call when he can. I've had a lot of anxiety and depression this year and this situation is making it even harder to deal with.

I have spoken to him about it several times and he is very understanding and says he hopes things will improve again soon and that he will try to make more effort to keep in contact.

Anyway...

I talked to a close friend about it earlier and she suggested that maybe he was having an affair which really upset me because obviously that is not true and I honestly can't imagine why anyone would say that. It is making me doubt myself and then I feel guilty for not trusting. She must have thought it for a reason? She knows both of us quite well and it's bizarre that she would even mention the possibility that he was unfaithful to me. He isn't that kind of person at all.

OP posts:
Jengnr · 09/05/2015 15:20

I thought affair too. But because of the change in behaviour. If he's always worked away but it's only recently he's started being vague and working away at the last minute etc I'd want to know why.

ravenmum · 09/05/2015 15:20

one instantly asking why he "lied" about which country he was in - he didn't lie, she admits it was a miscommunication
Which we only found out when the poster asked why he lied - until then, we only knew that "he wasn't even in the country that I thought he was in", which does sound suspicious.

Bloodwood, you feel that something is not the same as usual, or you wouldn't be posting here. Have you talked to him about the issue - what's his reaction? Is this the only thing that's changed?

ravenmum · 09/05/2015 15:22

(Have you talked about the way you feel - not just about the job situation?)

Filthyandgorgeous · 09/05/2015 15:23

I thought affair when reading your post sorry. I would be on high alert.

Hakluyt · 09/05/2015 15:27

My partner worked abroad a lot at one stage. Quite often I knew he was in one of 4 or 5 possible countries but didn't know at any given time which one. He went to Spain last Tuesday- it didn't occur to me until yesterday that I had no idea where in Spain he was. I see no reason at all why the OP should be suspicious because of the country thing- surely it would be easy enough to lie in these days of mobile phones?

Manic3mum · 09/05/2015 15:29

^ I did too. Start checking-in with him a bit more. Plenty of men are good at acting exactly the same at home. I don't think this is an indicator of having an affair either way.

AuntieStella · 09/05/2015 15:31

"(but of course this means he's avoiding intimacy)"

Were you referring to my post? Because I did not intend the second mentioned possibility to outweigh the first (that it's a good thing).

I had hoped that by asking questions, it might help sort out the confusion that OP has found herself in since the possibility of an affair was first mentioned by a friend (who at present we have no reason to think dislikes the OP or has form for being meddlesome).

I don't think this is a case where someone needs to 'win'. It's a new uncertainty that has led to insecurity that needs resolving, then maybe it is win-win.

Filthyandgorgeous · 09/05/2015 15:32

I would also be concerned that your friend knows something you don't.

Star280 · 09/05/2015 15:37

I find it a bit worrying that so many people seem to have such little trust in a partner.

I have spoken about how I feel, but obviously not mentioned about my friend suggesting that he may be cheating.

As I said earlier, aside from the changes in work pattern, I've not noticed any differences in his behaviour. That is why I was so confused about the suggestion of an affair, but I find it difficult to believe that my friend would have made that comment without having genuine suspicion or 'evidence'.

She knows myself and my partner quite well and I don't think she is the type of person to cause problems.

Original poster
Bloodwood · 09/05/2015 15:39

I posted the above from an old username, sorry!

OP posts:
APlaceOnTheCouch · 09/05/2015 15:45

Not everyone who has an affair does so because they want one
We'll have to agree to disagree on that AuntieStella . No-one is forced to have an affair. Someone else in the same circumstances could decide to (a) walk away from the OW or OM (b) end their current relationship to pursue the one with the OW or OM.

I really don't subscribe to the 'oh I was presented with an opportunity and despite really not wanting to, I accidentally slept with someone else'

That's not my experience of life.

Hakluyt · 09/05/2015 15:48

"Not everyone who has an affair does so because they want one and are seeking one out."

What??? Oh, the poor things just can't help themselves- is that it? Men and their "urges"........

APlaceOnTheCouch · 09/05/2015 15:50

But it's not really the case that so many people have so little trust in a partner. They were posting about your partner (not their's) and actually if you count the posts, there are probably more saying that they wouldn't automatically think affair.

As Filthy said, a lot would depend on how much I trusted the friend who raised the suspicion.

SelfLoathing · 09/05/2015 15:51

I really don't subscribe to the 'oh I was presented with an opportunity and despite really not wanting to, I accidentally slept with someone else'

Generally I agree with you but I think this type of thing does happen if people are really drunk. Most people I know (me included) have done things they really regret when drunk that they wouldn't do when sober or rational - acting like an idiot/ confiding things they shouldn't have said/kissing someone/having sex etc are all on a spectrum.

I'm not talking about using a little bit of alcohol and being a bit tipsy as an excuse. I'm talking about ragingly drunk.

Hakluyt · 09/05/2015 15:55

I think it comes back to Hakleuyt's Rule Number One- only form adult relationships with other adults.

Original poster
Bloodwood · 09/05/2015 15:55

SelfLoathing
I'd like to think people were able to refrain from getting 'ragingly drunk' to the point where they were unable to control their own behaviour.

I certainly wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who did that.

OP posts:
Lavenderice · 09/05/2015 16:00

ravenwood I can't see anywhere where the OP said he lied, or that she asked why he'd lied. Have I missed this?

SelfLoathing · 09/05/2015 16:11

I agree Bloodwood

CMOTDibbler · 09/05/2015 16:19

Over the last 15 years, I've worked a way an awful lot - one year I counted up and it was 249 nights away. I always let dh know I've arrived safely, but may not have time to contact him, especially if what I'm doing is really full on, and I know that for our field service engineers its even worse as they have massive time pressure on them when they've been called out.

DH may be fuzzy at times as to where I am, especially when I've flown into one country to go to another (like into Dusseldorf to go to Maastricht as its closer than Brussels).

In this 15 years of travelling, in a company where lots of people travel, I've never come close, at all, to doing anything inappropriate, have never been asked to, and have never seen any of my colleagues doing so (or heard rumours of such)

AuntieStella · 09/05/2015 19:08

""Not everyone who has an affair does so because they want one and are seeking one out."
What??? Oh, the poor things just can't help themselves- is that it? Men and their "urges"........"

No, my comment was not meant to be sex specific.

And it's not just people who actively seek affairs who have them. There are all sorts of people and all sorts of motivations that cause boundaries to fail. Not everyone who has an affair has set out deliberately to have one. It is totally possible that the crossing of boundaries is a slow process, and specific to one other person or one particular opportunity or set of opportunities. A bit of harmless flirting leads to a snog, a bit of a gripe turns into serious confiding and intimacy, a friendly text to a colleague becomes a regular exchange. And people can and do get much further down those risky paths than they meant, without either deliberate thought or intention. It doesn't mean they're not choosing a particular course of action, just not that he they have set out with the choice deliberate and pre-formed.

And, whatever might or might not be going on with OP's husband, it does seem that his boundaries have changed. The travel pattern, the way they communicate when he's away have fallen into a pattern that she's perhaps not happy with when she stops to think about it (and day to day, you might not notice the little changes that are happening). The big talk before the big separation helped back then, but has there been a big talk about the impact of the variable but frequent travel pattern? Expectations for communication? How each of you finds the separation? What's the bigger picture that makes it all worthwhile? And whether and how much those things change the longer you live in this pattern.

Making sure that communication between you is really good is one way of encouraging him to keep his boundaries in a good place and effective. You can't set or enforce someone else's boundaries (it's never about control). But they're a key part of trust.

If you are sure he wants to have good boundaries, then you won't worry whatever. Realising that you're not sure of his boundaries must be terribly unsettling, and means you might worry any time. Which is not good. And if OP's concerned now, they need a bit of attention now.

OP: Do those times when he doesn't sleep include staying up with you so you can talk to each other, really concentrating on each other?

Joysmum · 09/05/2015 19:14

so what's your issue here? I think you need to be clear on what it is you're objecting to.

Do you not want him to work away?

Do you feel like you're being taken for granted or not as important in your relationship as he is?

Do you think he's having an affair?

My DH works away and can do long and unpredictable hours, but isn't away for as long as yours is.

For me, the issue was the middle one. You need to know your feelings to be able to get advice on how you can both adress them.

Want2bSupermum · 09/05/2015 19:38

DH is always traveling. Do you have copies of all flights and hotels? DHs assistant has me set up to receive copies of all travel arrangements and my travel profile emails DH and his assistant with anything I book for my job.

Also you need to think about what you can do with Skype while he is away. We have a rule that 6am kids time is when we do calls if after school won't work. We then do a second call for DH and I to catch up. The calls are kept to 10-15 mins.

You friend is being honest by putting out on the table the possibility of an affair. Doesn't mean they are right. I think you are feeling a lack of intimacy.

GreatAuntDinah · 09/05/2015 20:41

I'd be wondering what your friend knows . Is she hinting? I know several couples where the husband had an affair during a long stay abroad for work, including mine. I would never be in such a relationship again.

SelfLoathing · 09/05/2015 20:58

Do you have copies of all flights and hotels?

Actually flight details are pretty important. You don't want to be panicking at news reports of a plane crash.

Thenapoleonofcrime · 09/05/2015 23:32

This would all sound normal in my relationship, my husband works away a lot. LOL at the only thing standing between an affair and us is an opportunity, both of us get a lot of time alone, meet lots of handsome and attractive people, and get pretty much easy opportunities at conferences and away from home to have affairs- I certainly don't and I'm pretty sure he doesn't either. I really disagree it is an opportunity thing, unless you count going out of the house as an opportunity (and there are even SAHM's who are on the prowl as my husband found out when he was a SAHD!)

I wouldn't be too worried about his behaviour, unless there's more to it than expandable deadlines. The type of work my husband does means if he's trouble-shooting and the trouble goes on longer than expected, he has to stay an extra day or two. That would be normal in his job. As for not knowing which country he's in, we are probably a little more slack than we should be about always knowing exactly where the other one is, just because we tend to rely on mobiles. That's not actually a good thing, because as self-loathing points out, it would be better to have full contact details, but my husband moving countries within a three week period of being away would again not be hugely alarming for me and we have had a laugh about losing him in the Med area before now.

Only you can know if this is all normal or really quite unusual for you. I am fine with our situation partly because I also travel, although to a lesser extent, and I think your anxiety is driving a lot of your fears. Can you talk with your husband about this?

I don't think your friend is helpful at all, why on earth would she suggest that just because he's away a lot?