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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Unprotected sex with husband

60 replies

GinaGirley · 08/05/2015 23:13

I don't like the idea of letting my husband ejaculate inside me.

We've been together for 21 years, and have 3 kids. When we started having sex, we used condoms, but for a while, I went on the pill, but I don't like that as the hormones make me feel different (and I gain weight!) So we've been using condoms ever since, apart from when we were having kids.

We often start having sex unprotected, but then we stop for him to put a condom on. We decided that as this was a bit risky, and that neither of us want and further kids, he had a vasectomy a few years ago. The thing is, I still want him to use condoms, which he does, but he wants to be able to have full sex to completion as it feels nicer for him. I understand this, but I just don't like the idea of having his cum in me.

Some of my friends say I'm being a bit ridiculous, and that sex is supposed to be a bit messy and sticky, and it's only a little bit of juice. Others say that it's my body, so it's my rules (but putting the boot on the other foot, it also involves his body, so maybe it should be his rules too?)

I really enjoy having sex, but I feel a bit bad for making him enjoy it less. I wonder if there's any way I can get over the feeling about it feeling 'dirty'.

OP posts:

Original poster

GinaGirley · 09/05/2015 09:40

Thanks for the replies everyone, and sorry for setting off SevenAteNine's pervert radar - I can see why it would, but I didn't realise I posted at 'closing time'. It's just what time I get around to sitting down with some time to myself.

A lot of you have given me some things to think about, so I'm going to have to think about them (and maybe try them out). Thanks.

OP posts:

Dowser · 09/05/2015 09:58

Well done Gina. Unless your husband is an absolute angel who accepts any crumb life throws at him I can see this starting to fester a huge sore of resentment.

Because, by having a vasectomy and keeping you both safe from an unwanted pregnancy or problems with the pill he might have seen this as a great opportunity to enter the pleasure dome.

Years of hassle free sex with you.

Only it's still not....is it?

If the boot was on the other foot like others have said wouldn't you feel just a bit dirty, a bit rejected.

Should he really have to have sex with Wellies on!

Should he?

AmyElliotDunne · 09/05/2015 10:16

Sorry if TMI, but from the other side, my DP rushes up to wash his hands straight after, as we usually use lube which can get a bit sticky. It did used to bother me, as I felt like he was washing me off but I realise now that it's not me he objects to, its just having sticky hands. If he avoided getting messy at all I would feel really hurt.

Dowser · 09/05/2015 10:25

Almond oil and lavender ;-)

newbieman1978 · 09/05/2015 10:47

It's a bit like drinking booze (bare with me) when you are 18 the aim is to get pissed and anything will do.... As you get older you start to notice the difference in taste, the subtleties of a nice bottle of red or a well aged malt.

When you are 18 all you want is sex, to be inside a woman. You couldn't care less if you have a condom on.
As you get older and experience more and especially in a longterm relationship you notice a quite stark difference between sex with a condom and without. I know women feel the difference as well as men.

So why would anyone want the second rate sex if you can have first?

We've just had a baby and are thinking about options for the future as we want to get back to bareback! as soon as possible.

But obvs your body your rules ect .

SoupDragon · 09/05/2015 10:54

Welcome to MN, GinaGirley.

TokenGinger · 09/05/2015 11:07

Newbieman - I love your description! I completely agree.

Herblore · 09/05/2015 11:47

You definitely shouldn't feel pressured into doing something that you don't want to do.

I do agree with others here though, if I was looking at it from his point of view I think I would feel a bit upset and rejected. I think you need to make sure that you have a conversation with him about it so that he has a chance to fully understand why you feel the way that you do and if there's anything you can do to help you both.

Sex is supposed to be a bit messy and squelchy. It won't always work out 100% perfectly every time. That is part of what makes it fun.

KoalaKoo · 09/05/2015 12:01

Op, i think your dislike of this is very unusual, and your dh could easily be hurt, offended or just think it unreasonable (and i agree).

How about a box of tissues and pack of baby wipes in bedside drawers? What is it exactly that you dislike? It almost sounds like its habitual on your part rather than something specific that you dont like?

wideboy26 · 09/05/2015 12:17

I'm trying to work the penis beaker into this thread, but I can't see how to make it relevant.

BeeMyBaby · 09/05/2015 12:18

Do you get uncomfortable afterwards? I read that semen has a different ph or something or other and can lead to it getting uncomfortable after- I find this true and in the past tended to get more yeast infections etc however when Dh does use a condom I don't get them. Perhaps you could try some of the various gels available to use after like multigyn I think it's called which helps get the ph back to normal afterwards?

GlitzAndGigglesx · 09/05/2015 14:10

BeeMy one thing I do remember from sex ed was being told to urinate after a man has ejaculated inside you to avoid bacterial infections. Of course you could get them regardless but just thought I'd throw that in

SelfLoathing · 09/05/2015 14:16

Are you sure the problem is that it feels messy/dirty? Do you think maybe this could be a psychological disguise for the fact that deep down you are worried you might get pregnant again and don't "trust" the vasectomy because you can't see that it has worked/is in operation (like a condom) and aren't in control of it (like the pill)?

MrsFring · 09/05/2015 20:20

Any chance we could have a MN moratorium on 'cum'? I mean, really.

MrsSheRa · 09/05/2015 20:27

Naice "It is semen. Not wheely bin juice" is yet another corker of a quote from this site

What made you start to think in this way, Op? Presumably you didnt have the opinion it was "dirty" when you conceived your children.

Is it a secret fear of getting pregnant again, even after the vasectomy...? The mind is a funny thing

CalleighDoodle · 09/05/2015 21:41

Yes I agree you need counselling

FarFromAnyRoad · 09/05/2015 22:27

3 Things.

Cum is the single most revolting word in the entire dictionary in any language anyone cares to mention. It should be binned.

Wheelie bin juice - I peed a little laughing at that

SevenAteNine - no, not just you

SmillasSenseOfSnow · 09/05/2015 22:44

GlitzAndGigglesx, you urinate after sex to clear the urethral opening of bacteria in order to prevent urinary tract infections. I would hope that is not where your DP has been depositing his semen...

sakura · 09/05/2015 23:07

I don't think there's anything at all wrong with having sexual boundaries. Some women abstain completely from sex for lots of reasons. You don't have to justify or explain yourself at all.

sakura · 09/05/2015 23:08

And I think its very normal to think that cum is disgusting.

AGirlCalledBoB · 09/05/2015 23:19

I just asked my oh and he said he would feel really pissed. That to him would be saying that I did not trust him.

I find it really odd that you have 3 kids but you still want him to wear a condom. My partner can ejaculate with a condom but it feels better for both of us without. I am not surprised it's a issue for him. I would consider compromising or at least explaining your reasons better to him.

SoonToBeSix · 09/05/2015 23:25

I think you should have soy selling op.

TheoriginalLEM · 09/05/2015 23:29

Glitzandgigglesex is absolutely correct.i have had uti'sand drs advise to wee after sex. It's more to do with bacteria coming from, err, the back because well., sex is a bit messy and bacteria can get into the urethra.

BadgersArse · 09/05/2015 23:34

lol at Bare with me

BadgersArse · 09/05/2015 23:35

and fella - are we in the 1970s?

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