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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Out of the blue, he says he doesn't know if he loves me.

32 replies

TrippyTez · 08/05/2015 22:09

Two weeks ago, my DH of 12 years, announced he wasn't happy and didn't know if he could see us being together for the rest of our lives. This came as a complete shock and surprise to me. We have always been affectionate, supportive and loving towards each other. Our schedules are very busy (he has 2 jobs and is going to Uni and I work full time and look after our 11 yr old DS). We talked and decided to work on things, but I couldn't get past a nagging feeling that he wasn't being completely open and honest. He said he wasn't having a sexual affair, but he had snogged other women on nights out with his mates (I wish I didn't feel that this is equal to a sexual affair, but I do). I was hurt, but that nagging feeling still wouldn't go. Last night I was able to access his Facebook account and turns out, he's a serial sex-chatter. I couldn't even count how many women he talked dirty to, including some of my so-called "friends"! I confronted him and he admitted that he can't stop doing this, he's compelled for reasons beyond his comprehension and he feels a need to flirt and get female attention in order to validate his masculinity (those are my wordshe said "to make me feel good about myself"). He goes out a lot more than average and said he won't stop as this is his social life with his mates. To make matters worse, I have only just gone back to work after a 6 month sick-leave for severe depression after my father died and also was feeling extremely suspicious, possessive and jealous towards my DH, which he kept telling me was in my head. I've spent 6 months in therapy and taken numerous different anti-depressants to make it through all that and barely a month of being back on my feet and getting back to work, he drops this bombshell. He says he loves me but in one of those flirty chats he told another woman that when he's away from me he feels free and good about himself. So then he tells me he loves me but doesn't know if he's "in love" with me. I asked him to leave and we told our DS, who didn't take it well and it was terribly emotional for all three of us, and he said to us both that he couldn't do this, he would make this work. We've had ups and downs this last week and again he insists that he wants to stay and try, but there's no communication from him towards me, he won't look at me, doesn't touch me, and we definitely aren't laughing with each other like we normally would be. My DS is desperate for us to stay together, I'm heartbrokenliterally, I feel like I have no more tears left or strength to maintain the struggle, and DH is walking around like a condemned man strolling down the Green Mile! Can someone offer up some sound advice, please?

OP posts:
inlectorecumbit · 08/05/2015 22:15

You are all miserable together, your DC will get over this, it is the fear of change and the unknown which is causing him so much upset.
You and your H need to reassure him that you both love him but need to live apart...at least for a while.

FresherThanYou · 08/05/2015 22:21

You need to send him packing, you've had a big shock, he's not the man you thought he was so living under the same roof will be incredibly stressful. Sit your son down & explain its not his fault, you both love him etc there's bound to be some pain but it will get better

Cherryapple1 · 08/05/2015 22:24

the only advice is to tell him to leave. He cheated on you. Why would you want him to stay?

TrippyTez · 08/05/2015 22:29

You are all right. It was my first reaction to get him away from me and it is too painful and I can see this is the only answer for our future happiness and stability.

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RedKite1985 · 08/05/2015 22:31

Has he had sex with other women or is it setting? Why does he feel an overwhelming need to justify his masculinity ?

RedKite1985 · 08/05/2015 22:31

*sexting

TrippyTez · 08/05/2015 22:34

He says it's just sexting, but he did admit to snogging random women he meets in pubs/clubs on nights out with the lads. TBH I don't even know if I believe that it's stopped at that. I feel so used and foolish.

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TrippyTez · 08/05/2015 22:38

I don't know the answer to why he feels the need to validate his masculinity, except that he's on seroxat for anxiety and he says it makes him feels like the "dogs bollocks" (apologies for that) and not feel empathy. He's 35 yrs old mixing with 19-20's students as well. It's like he's trying to re-live his youth.

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Findingme40 · 08/05/2015 22:42

It sounds like you deserve so much better.

TrippyTez · 08/05/2015 22:44

Thank you Findingme40Smile

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Finola1step · 08/05/2015 22:44

Tell him to leave. This won't get any better. Sorry

MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig · 08/05/2015 23:10

As Anyfucker would say he's checked out of this relationship already. He's behaving like a single man because that is what he wants to be. It might be time to call it quits and make arrangements for him to leave. I'm very sorry for you.

airforsharon · 08/05/2015 23:17

Not to diminish his behaviour and how you feel at all, but have you considered if the Seroxat is a possible cause of how he is? I was prescribed it years ago and couldn't tolerate it, it made me feel like hell, and I know it has been linked to quite drastic personality changes and in some cases suicidal tendencies, where previously there had been none.

Has all this started since he began taking it?

YvyB · 08/05/2015 23:17

Life is hard enough already as a full time working mum. You really don't need the emotional baggage dragging you down on top of that. He's behaved with utter disrespect to you and your ds. He needs to leave you alone and take his fuckwittery off to deal with by himself. Be strong: you have every right to tell him to leave. Your ds will adjust, you will probably find the atmosphere lightens almost immediately and then, when you're good and ready, you can decide whether or not you want this apology of a husband in your life. If you accept the status quo, thats exactly what you'll continue to get.

TrippyTez · 09/05/2015 00:53

Just had a long discussion. Bottom line is he's going. He has to go, as YvyB put it, no more accepting the status quo. I actually feel like I deserve better than this, which amazes me after such a long depression where I felt like I didn't deserve anything good. The Seroxat definitely changed his personality, so he will need to sort that with his doctor. Thanks so much for all the advice!

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TaintedAngel · 09/05/2015 00:54

what a shit situation. I agree with Airforsharon In the sense that you should begin by working out if this is all due to a direct link to his meds. if it is then work with him and see how it goes once those have been changed.
If it's nothing to do with them - or DH refuses to get them switched - then walk. Your DS will go through a shit time of it as a result of the separation but that will only be temporary. kids get over it after a while but he will have years of stress and upset if his home life doesn't improve. You and your son are worth more than that.

TaintedAngel · 09/05/2015 00:56

ah x post!
so glad you have a clear direction to go in that your comfortable with!

dollius · 09/05/2015 07:41

Oh god, I remember those guys when I was at university. Int their 30s or 40s and hanging out with girls our age. Without exception we thought they were utterly pathetic and were laughing at them.

AnyFucker · 09/05/2015 08:03

I will eat my hat if he hasn't already shagged around

just get rid of this sexually incontinent loser, he is a complete joke

you could never trust him again. ...This he has already told you

if you try and "save" this relationship, you might as well say goodbye to all your self respect right now

Shitmyhairdressersays · 09/05/2015 08:53

I'm sorry OP. Similar happened to me (except he WAS having an affair) and we had two small DC at the time, the eldest was desperate for us to stay together. All is fine now (both remarried, me very happily, him, well who cares) and DC are happy and settled.
You should leave him purely for making you feel that you correct intuition about his behaviour (the 'paranoia' and suspicions) were treated like you were losing it to the point that your had therapy etc you were spot on.)
What sort of a cunt makes his wife start therapy for what was clearly spot on intuition?
If he's snogged all theses women when out with his puerile mates he's made this ok with himself. I'd be amazed if he hasn't done more than snog.
He sounds like a real arsehole. Let him get on with being a sad bastard.
I promise you a good life awaits you even if you don't feel like this now.

maras2 · 09/05/2015 09:42

Agree with AF.He's definitely been shagging around.Sorry love but you need an STI check.Best of luck.

TrippyTez · 09/05/2015 11:26

Oh no!!! I hadn't even considered an STI check!!! FFS My head's in the shed these days.

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TheWintersmith · 09/05/2015 11:36

What sort of a cunt makes his wife start therapy for what was clearly spot on intuition?

This

ImperialBlether · 09/05/2015 11:51

I went through something similar and you know what? Once you find out what has ACTUALLY been happening in your own life, you realise you are no longer depressed.

It's when you live a life that you can't understand, because there are tons of tiny, tiny clues that things are wrong that your body seems to recognise but your mind doesn't, that you feel like you're going mad and you interpret this as depression.

This bastard has gaslighted you throughout your marriage. Time to turn the light on full and see what's really been happening.

Oh and yes, I knew a lot of men in their 30s at university who spent their time hanging around with people nearly half their age - and yes, almost to a man they were sexually incontinent losers.

TrippyTez · 09/05/2015 15:51

That is so true ImperialBlether! After I confronted him last night and called him out on everything and made a decision about my son's and my life, I felt free. I woke up this morning feeling better than I have in well over a year! It's like I have myself back. I know, at the moment, it's like an adrenaline rushnew found personal powerand it will fade and I expect to feel low and lonely, but the absolute best thing is that I have myself back. And I've really missed her!!! Right now I don't care about what he does or doesn't do--as long as he respects my wishes and treats the lad good. I'm having such a fab day! I'm going to enjoy this while it lasts!!

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