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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Out of the blue, he says he doesn't know if he loves me.

32 replies

TrippyTez · 08/05/2015 22:09

Two weeks ago, my DH of 12 years, announced he wasn't happy and didn't know if he could see us being together for the rest of our lives. This came as a complete shock and surprise to me. We have always been affectionate, supportive and loving towards each other. Our schedules are very busy (he has 2 jobs and is going to Uni and I work full time and look after our 11 yr old DS). We talked and decided to work on things, but I couldn't get past a nagging feeling that he wasn't being completely open and honest. He said he wasn't having a sexual affair, but he had snogged other women on nights out with his mates (I wish I didn't feel that this is equal to a sexual affair, but I do). I was hurt, but that nagging feeling still wouldn't go. Last night I was able to access his Facebook account and turns out, he's a serial sex-chatter. I couldn't even count how many women he talked dirty to, including some of my so-called "friends"! I confronted him and he admitted that he can't stop doing this, he's compelled for reasons beyond his comprehension and he feels a need to flirt and get female attention in order to validate his masculinity (those are my wordshe said "to make me feel good about myself"). He goes out a lot more than average and said he won't stop as this is his social life with his mates. To make matters worse, I have only just gone back to work after a 6 month sick-leave for severe depression after my father died and also was feeling extremely suspicious, possessive and jealous towards my DH, which he kept telling me was in my head. I've spent 6 months in therapy and taken numerous different anti-depressants to make it through all that and barely a month of being back on my feet and getting back to work, he drops this bombshell. He says he loves me but in one of those flirty chats he told another woman that when he's away from me he feels free and good about himself. So then he tells me he loves me but doesn't know if he's "in love" with me. I asked him to leave and we told our DS, who didn't take it well and it was terribly emotional for all three of us, and he said to us both that he couldn't do this, he would make this work. We've had ups and downs this last week and again he insists that he wants to stay and try, but there's no communication from him towards me, he won't look at me, doesn't touch me, and we definitely aren't laughing with each other like we normally would be. My DS is desperate for us to stay together, I'm heartbrokenliterally, I feel like I have no more tears left or strength to maintain the struggle, and DH is walking around like a condemned man strolling down the Green Mile! Can someone offer up some sound advice, please?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 09/05/2015 16:46
Thanks
sakura · 09/05/2015 17:16

It won't necessarily fade. I'm 4 1/2 months post-split and I'm still waiting for the crash after the high. I recall one MNer saying that the high she felt after kicking out her H has lasted 12 years and counting...

ImperialBlether · 10/05/2015 14:48

I don't think it will fade, either. Yes, there will be tough times in your life when you'll get fed up but you will never be fed up at finding yourself again! You'll never be fed up of telling a sexually incontinent loser to fuck off.

Now's the time to think how you want to live your life. Your son will recover; certainly once he's old enough to have girlfriends he will know that you can't stay with someone you can't trust.

Skiptonlass · 10/05/2015 17:56

So he made you have therapy for being suspicious and controlling, but actually was out Tom catting?

That alone is a deal breaker. It's a bit daphne du maurier, don't you think? What an absolute shit.

You deserve so much better.

mistymeanour · 10/05/2015 18:26

TrippyTez well done - you are a star!

Dowser · 10/05/2015 18:50

Trippy tez..you are practically writing my story except my ex was 50 and was having an affair.

Although dementia must have been kicking in because every time I asked if he was he kept denying it.

I also got the I love you but I'm not in love with you bollox as well...designed to keep me hanging on while he hedged his bets.

When I found out the truth it went further than that....there were prostitutes as well.

I had the last laugh though. When he finally left to live with another woman and the divorce was going through you have to fill in a form e. it shows your finances, bank accounts, credit card statements...so yes while he was living with ow here's is a payment to a website called dating for single parents on his cc statement. Hilarious!

Laugh? I thought my knickers would never dry!!

( can't understand why women take up with known cheaters...but that's another topic. Btw in case any of you think she didn't know, I only found about the hapless pair when I came home late one night and she was waiting for him as he was babysitting.')

Anyway, it sounds like you are dealing with it beautifully.

Well done and I had a blast once he'd gone. Went skiing, sailing. Travelling etc

ShizeItsWeegie · 10/05/2015 19:00

Wow - the fact that he let you go through so much because you knew what he was up to and yet he kept denying it - amazing and that and that alone would make me bin his arse PDQ!

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