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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Dad always seems to be in a world of his own

29 replies

CharlieChaplinsHat · 08/05/2015 16:55

I spent last night over at my parents house to watch the election. My mum wasn't there, it was just me, my DD and my dad. I haven't always got on with my dad, he has always been very distant etc and has a bit of a temper issue which led to me going NC for a period of time.

Anyway last night I was really aware of how distant my dad is. I would address him directly and he literally would not notice that I have spoken to him (same with my DD). He doesn't have a problem with his hearing, I think he is just very absent minded iyswim. I find it so frustrating having to constantly repeat myself etc or trying to get his attention. He also seemed irritated by my DD who was just being a normal child making abit of noise (not a massive amount of noise actually, just chatting to me on the sofa). He would also misunderstand what I was saying, patronise me or not let me finish. He just doesn't seem to be able to take on board what I am saying, he clearly doesn't listen.

I don't know, I just found it all quite stressful. He is the sort of person who is very sensitive and will get angry if I would ever point this out to him or tell him how I feel.

Does anyone else have a Dad abit like this and how do you deal with it?

OP posts:

woowoo22 · 08/05/2015 17:17

If no hearing issues the ignoring you sounds abusive OP, sorry. Very malicious and controlling behaviour.

StarlightMcKenzee · 08/05/2015 17:21

My Dad did this. He also had an awkward personality so it was very hard to separate what was normal for him, from his subsequently diagnosed brain tumour.

His brain tumour was removed successfully and he went back to being just awkward again.

King1982 · 08/05/2015 17:32

My dad was like this. It turned it was the early onset of Parkinson's

springydaffs · 08/05/2015 18:20

Has he always been like this?

I have a very distant dad - because he simply isn't interested in anybody but himself, sadly: he is his top priority at all times. He was badly abused by his father when he was a boy (his dad was a violent alcoholic and my dad was his punch bag) so I can kind of understand it. Doesn't stop it hurting though - BIG dad-shaped hole in my life, unlikely to ever be filled.

LD29 · 08/05/2015 18:22

Could he have depression? Sounds like many of the symptoms...

ImperialBlether · 08/05/2015 18:34

I would have gone back to my own house and left him to it.

Yarp · 08/05/2015 19:06

How old is he?

Original poster

CharlieChaplinsHat · 08/05/2015 19:12

He has always been like this. I've thought for a long time that he has been suffering from undiagnosed depression but he is just not the sort of person to ever admit that or go to the doctors.

I've just feel so frustrated in his company because I feel I can't say anything. If I do he either (a) literally doesn't hear me (b) misunderstands what I say or (c) criticises my opinion. So I sit there keeping my thoughts to myself knowing that I would be better off keeping it to myself because if I open my mouth whatever response (or complete non response) I get from him will cause me pain. But keeping it to myself knowing all this makes me feel frustrated and annoyed so I can't win either way.

OP posts:

Momagain1 · 08/05/2015 20:21

It's a no win situation, Charlie. As Springydaffs said, a dad-shaped hole.

Is this why you went NC? Why did you go back?

glittertits · 08/05/2015 20:24

I'd be very worried for his health actually. Dismissing as rude/absent minded/whatever is a common occurrence, sadly.

Could you talk to him about it and suggest a trip to the GP?

Horsemad · 09/05/2015 06:39

Perhaps he actually wanted to be alone and was irritated by your being there?

biffyboom · 09/05/2015 06:48

You could be describing my dad. He also seems to forget other people are in the room and blank out staring ahead muttering furiously under his breath. I've always found it unnerving.

Yarp · 09/05/2015 07:01

I would be wondering if maybe an illness such as dementia was developing on top of his longstanding personality - absent-mindedness, irritability, short-term memory problems.

Sometimes symptoms are worse in the evening. And your mum not being there may uncover the fact that when she's there she anchors him and there's a routine that keeps him going

It's just an idea

pocketsaviour · 09/05/2015 11:06

Why would you expose your DD to this?

Jacana · 09/05/2015 11:58

Truly, I'm wondering if he just wanted to concentrate on the election talk and the results as they came in

Original poster

CharlieChaplinsHat · 09/05/2015 12:00

He has always been like this, its not anything new. He is not really any different when my mum is there, the fact that she wasn't there meant I didn't have anyone to talk to. It was him who invited us over, he mentioned us coming round for the election the week before then rang us on the day asking if we want to be picked up and do we fancy a chinese takeaway for dinner which he got. So he clearly wanted us there.,,..

OP posts:

Original poster

CharlieChaplinsHat · 09/05/2015 12:01

Whether the election was on or not, he is like this all the time.

OP posts:

pocketsaviour · 09/05/2015 12:55

Interesting that he invited you specifically for that night - did he know in advance that your mum wasn't going to be there? And does he normally treat her the same contemptuous way he treats you and your daughter? I'm wondering if he needed replacement whipping boy girls for the night.

Original poster

CharlieChaplinsHat · 09/05/2015 15:47

Yes he knew my mum wouldn't be there because she was away last week visiting her family. I'm not sure if he deliberately does it to be mean or if that is just the way he is. He treats my mum much more contemptuously tbh. If she comments on things for example if he is watching tv, he will go 'shhhhh!!!' and turn the volume really high on the tv. I remember making some sort of comment about something re the election and he snapped 'what?!' really harshly which made me feel really shit and like I didn't want to contribute my thoughts.

OP posts:

Miggsie · 09/05/2015 15:53

He just sounds selfish and rude.
Is he dismissive to everyone or just women?
I expect he invited you over to prove you would come, not to enjoy your company as he clearly doesn't care about anything you have to say.
Power games probably.
He is also relying on the fact that social training means neither you nor your mum are going to call him a pillock and pour a bucket of water over him.
He gets what he wants by treating you badly, why would he bother to do anything else?

SelfLoathing · 09/05/2015 16:09

He doesn't have a problem with his hearing

Are you 100% this is the case? Some people as they age don't want to face up to hearing loss so pretend everything is fine.

pocketsaviour · 09/05/2015 16:34

"Has he got hearing problems" come on guys.

OP if I were you I would protect your daughter from this bully in future and only have contact with your mum outside of their house. There is no reason your daughter should be brought up to think she needs to accept people bullying and belittling her, and that's the message she's currently getting.

TheHobbit · 09/05/2015 16:40

My DP does this but he also has bipolar and can zone in or out. Highly highly frustrating so I know exactly how you feel. I only say things once now and I refuse to repeat myself, it does help in a way.

springydaffs · 11/05/2015 00:54

I have to report something extraordinary - my dad, well into his 90s, seems to be stepping up on the dad front. I couldn't be more shocked. After a lifetime of being ignored something seems to be shifting... [A. Mazed]

Also a lifetime of therapy to cope with aforementioned BIG dad-shaped hole. He has all his marbles, so I don't think it's down to old age brain deterioration. The only thing I can think is that I've changed. I've had something so shit happen that has blown my heart clean out of my chest [figuratively speaking of course] that him and his shitty fathering has been relegated so far down it's fallen off the chart.

So, when he pulls his stunts (many) I just haven't been reacting. At all. I don't get angry, or hurt. I've been as blank as him, basically. It's woken him up? It hasn't been a strategy on my part but perfectly genuine. I simply didn't care.

I have long thought that fathers need training to be decent fathers. The vast majority don't have a clue - certainly not the older, or oldish (ie not young) generation: not the first idea. Yet it is such a powerful role - get it wrong and the results are catastrophic; but not that hard to get it right!

Horsemad · 11/05/2015 08:03

Problem is Springy - they have such rubbish role models, they have nobody to 'learn' from.

My Dad had a tough life and was a good parent to me, but unable to show love in a tactile way. Not one for hugs and kisses, but he'd have given me the world if he'd been able.

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