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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

It feels like my step father is harassing me

32 replies

Poppysquad · 08/05/2015 13:34

y poor old mum died at the beginning of February, aged only 72, leaving behind her younger husband, of 67, who she was married to for 38 years. He, obviously, has been devastated, but over the last month, I am finding aspects of his behaviour more and more worrying.

I am now getting texts from him with 'Love you' at the end of them and he is talking about having an ideal of what the future would be, which I have a creepy feeling is me stepping into my Mums shoes.

Last night after me cooking tea at home for him and my DS, he went to kiss me on my cheek to say good-bye and he as he touched my ribs I jumped and moved away and he stormed off then sending me text messages saying that he obviously revolts me. Not what you'd expect from a 'step father'.

I am divorced, aged 54 with a partner who does not live with me and I am feeling vulnerable. I know that my sensitivity to this is heightened as he used to try and harass me as a teenager. All of this is bringing back some very miserable and frightening times.

OP posts:
TiltedPenguin · 08/05/2015 13:42

Do you need to be in touch with him? No siblings at home or similar? You sound scared and he sounds like a nasty piece of work. You don't have to stay friendly with someone who is a sexual abuser/harasser just because of guilt/sadness at his grief. His behaviour more than removes any obligation and I would have thought a good mum, as you mentioned yours was, would want you safe as a first priority.

So sorry for the loss of your mum Flowers

MerdeAlor · 08/05/2015 13:56

Time to make sure your boundaries are firmly in place OP.

What do you want out of your relationship from him? What value does he bring to your life? By the sounds of it not a great deal, especially with his history.

He sounds creepy, threatening and as though he is grooming you perhaps for something sexual but definitely for taking your mums place in some way.

lemonyone · 08/05/2015 13:59

Non-contact.
I have recently done this with a relative. It's hard, because you feel as though you are 'the bitch' for 'abandoning' a 'relative' (so many quotation marks, so little time) but it has to be done.

It sounds as though he is deeply creepy. I feel that you have no obligation at all to him anymore and don't see how you would want to have a relationship with him after what happened in the kitchen.

Hope you are ok. Are you more unsettled because you think he could be violent or controlling in another way?

Hissy · 08/05/2015 14:37

OMG, He used to harass you as a teenager, and now is bombarding you with messages?

My love, you should have cut him dead out of your life YEARS ago!

Tell him Yes, the idea of him touching you DOES REVOLT YOU.

He has no right to do this to you, no right at all.

Stop the dinners, stop the visits, stop it all. he only gets access to you on appropriate terms, and he is clearly incapable of this.

Hissy · 08/05/2015 14:40

Oh and love, it feels like he's harassing you,

BECAUSE HE IS harassing you.

Miggsie · 08/05/2015 14:44

He probably thinks women should look after men and now your mum is dead, it's your job. This appears to include sexual favours as well.

You will probably have to go non contact as he won't change his view and will simply get more overt and intimidating so you will need to get away for your own peace of mind.

FenellaFellorick · 08/05/2015 14:45

Sorry for your loss.

There is no reason on earth why you have to have this man in your life.

You use the word harass. Do you mean he was sexually inappropriate with you when you were a teen?

You do not have to keep him in your life. x

Icimoi · 08/05/2015 14:47

OP, if for some reason you do have to keep up some sort of contact with this man, can you ensure that you never see him without your partner being around?

DistanceCall · 08/05/2015 14:49

He's scum. He IS revolting, and he IS harrassing you. Cut off contact with him.

I'm so, so sorry for your loss, plus now this.

jeee · 08/05/2015 14:51

Behaviour is definitely unacceptable.... but if he's never shown any sign of this kind of behaviour before, I think there are possibly medical explanations for it - maybe the early stages of dementia?

jeee · 08/05/2015 14:53

OP, I'm really sorry. I missed the last section of your post, when you said that he'd harassed you when you were much younger. Please ignore my last post. And to agree with everyone else, you don't need to put up with this kind of behaviour.

DartmoorDoughnut · 08/05/2015 14:54

Eeek! Poor you Sad based on past history I'd run as fast as you can x

Lottapianos · 08/05/2015 14:55

That sounds horrible OP. His history of harassing you as a teenager just makes it so much worse. Trust your gut - he's obviously making you deeply uncomfortable. You don't have to put up with this. You owe him nothing.

FeijoaSundae · 08/05/2015 15:02

Oh my goodness, I completely agree with everyone else.

Did you tell anyone what happened at the time? Is that why he stopped?

I'm so sorry that you've had this man in your life for so long. You do not need to have him in your life any more.

AliceHoney · 08/05/2015 15:09

Your post was awful to read, I'm very sorry for the loss of your mum.

It sounds like this horrible man is trying to capitalise on the compassion you feel for him as a recent widower to make these inappropriate advances to you. What a nasty, manipulative piece of work. Cut him off. The fact that he also behaved this way when you were a teenager shows you that this isn't a grief-stricken man seeking reassurance and affection from a family member, it's a predatory man up to his old tricks. Put yourself first and protect yourself from his behaviour.

Waltermittythesequel · 08/05/2015 15:48

he used to try and harass me as a teenager

You have absolutely no obligation to keep this creepy bastard in your life. You know that right?

Twinklestein · 08/05/2015 15:52

Euch, you poor thing.

If it's brought up bad memories from the past, you might consider some short term counselling to help you deal with it?

You're an adult, you have your own space, your own partner, you never need to see this man again if you don't want to.

Meerka · 08/05/2015 19:03

I know that my sensitivity to this is heightened as he used to try and harass me as a teenager

I agree with everyone else that you have no obligation at ALL to keep him in your life.

However thigns arent always that simple. If you feel you wish to have some involvement with him for your mother's sake, then I think you have to draw lines. I think that a text to him: I dont' feel comfortable with kisses or hugs. Am busy for the next 3 weeks, will you come and eat with us on XX date?" would do. Ensuring you only see him with others around will help

if he still tries it on, then phase out contact.

having said all that, I go back to my original statement, if you simply want to cut him out, that's ok too.

Waltermittythesequel · 08/05/2015 19:22

I really don't mean to sound crass but her mother is dead. She won't benefit at all from OP keeping this lecherous creep in her life.

littlejessie · 08/05/2015 19:27

Agree with other posters - horrid behaviour and you should cut him out op.

GatoradeMeBitch · 08/05/2015 19:36

Stop being in contact. He is looking for you to jump into your mother's role in his life, the gross old lech. Cut him off.

DistanceCall · 09/05/2015 01:23

I don't know what your family dynamics were, what your harrassment as a teenager was like, and whether your mother was aware of it. But I agree with the PP who said that counselling would be a good idea. All this must be stirring up some very upsetting feelings in you. You don't have to go through it alone.

And, I repeat, this man is scum. You don't owe him anything. Get rid.

Original poster
Poppysquad · 14/05/2015 16:35

Thanks so much for your supportive messages and advise, which is pretty consistent. I am trying to avoid him completely and set boundaries. But I am useless with dealing with confrontation and still a bit afraid as I can remember repercussions from years ago.

The harassment I experienced when I was younger was sexually inappropriate I effectively 'ran away' when I headed off to university leaving everything behind including my younger sister. I have never asked her about what happened to her I am ashamed to say.

This man has been my DS's grandad for all of his life as my real dad wasn't around and it's partly for this reason that I have put up with things. I don't want to explain to my DS why things have become uncomfortable recently.

I am making sure that there's someone else around if he does call over. He does live close, too close for comfort, however my partner and I are planning to buy a new house and move into together, the sooner the better.

OP posts:
Rainbunny · 14/05/2015 19:13

His behaviour to you doesn't happen in a vacuum. What I mean to say is that he is most likely not a good person in general, do you really think it will be such a good thing to have him in your ds's life? How old is your ds now?

It sounds as though there is an end in sight, I wish you good luck in finding a house with your DP asap!

Meerka · 14/05/2015 19:44

it's good that you're moving, that will really help.

Regarding your son, how old is he? you can do this quietly and subtly ... less ringing, less calling round, being on the point of going out if he does call, simply allowing things to drift away. Easier once you move but you can start the process now. Good luck, he sounds creepy and just eugh