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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP messaging another woman. Should I be worried?

31 replies

excitedbutscared · 07/05/2015 23:24

Hi.. Feel a bit silly (again) posting things like this - but, it just helps me so much talking about it! So thank you in advance for those who take the time to comment

Been with my DP for a year and 4 months and have to say, I'm totally in love. Been through some horrible stuff in my past and have big trust issues and if you have ready any of my previous posts over the months, you will notice I'm probably pretty insecure, clingy etc. Although I do not show this on the outside to DP.

There's this thing that's really bugging me. I keep seeing FB Messenger messages pop up on his phone from a girl. I can only see the first few sentances and it's generally just chit chat type stuff. The worst was a few months ago when she said she missed him already (he had spent the day at her office location with work instead of his normal one so they obviously work for the same company) and to 'be happy', ranging to then talking about her opinion on 50 shades. They're the only 2 that have been in any way dodgy.. the rest seem to be just chit chat. I haven't actually read the messages in full so don't know the full content and haven't seen or read anything he has written back

Anyway, it really annoyed me tonight. It was my DD's Bday meal and he had travelled an hour to come to it (we don't live together but see each other every weekend, all weekend) and I said something funny and he just halted, looked me in the eyes and told me he was so in love with me. It was a really lovely moment. Then - up pops a messenger message on his phone from this same girl.. didn't see the whole thing but it started "Sorry..... boring day at work blah blah blah" which would indicate to me he messaged her and she was apologising for not replying quickly. That's just a guess of course.

We have a pretty good relationship but are both very individual during the week, then completely together at the weekend. We are openly together on social media so would be easy to see we are a couple to anyone on the outside who didn't know either of us. But - I find it very hard to talk openly.. partly because of me and I find deep conversations difficult and partly because he is very flippant when it comes to conversations and is not a jealous person at all (although if a guy flirts with me in public he will suddenly be all over me in public which I find hilarious)

Sorry for the long post and such a trivial matter - but should I be worried about this girl? I don't want to make, or seem like I am even being confrontational, but it's starting to really bug me with the frequency of the messages. What's also strange is that they're messaging on FB, but they're not friends on FB.. Is that odd?

OP posts:
inlectorecumbit · 07/05/2015 23:29

Just ask him

Original poster
excitedbutscared · 07/05/2015 23:31

But I'd need to wait until she messaged again when we're together so that it wouldn't seem as if I've been brewing on it or paid more attention to it than what I should... wouldn't I?

OP posts:
newnamesamegame · 07/05/2015 23:32

The most important thing is how you feel about it. If you feel that his friendship with this woman encroaches on your relationship then your feelings are legitimate.

For what it's worth it does sound as if their closeness is inappropriate for someone who is supposed to be in a committed relationship.

You need to talk to him, and establish some boundaries.

Justmuddlingalong · 07/05/2015 23:35

You don't have to wait. Something is bothering you and if your DP is worth his salt, you should feel comfortable asking him anything.

Original poster
excitedbutscared · 07/05/2015 23:36

I'm just afraid I'm being overly-jealous. I have guy friends who I message nearly every day (just work friends who I've known for years) and I'd be horrified if he said he didn't like me talking so much to him.

I just want to know what the way of it is and need to find a way of finding out without being attacking in any way.. I have no problem with him being friends with other people of any sex - but it just feels like he's hiding it which rings alarm bells - but it could be all in my head which is why I need to ask him. Just don't know how to bring it up

OP posts:
Original poster
excitedbutscared · 07/05/2015 23:39

I know you're right justmuddlingalong - but because I don't do it often, whenever I do, I always seem to make it into a huge big deal which I don't want to do

OP posts:
Cassie258 · 07/05/2015 23:45

I don't think you need to be worried. You should both be allowed to speak to the opposite sex but as a PP said, it's how you feel about it that matters.

Always trust your instinct. If you think it's more, it probably is.

You should be comfortable to bring it up with him but even if he is the most laid back person in the world, you'll need to approach it in the right way.

Justmuddlingalong · 07/05/2015 23:46

If you don't do it often, then saying something means it is a big deal. You don't need to be argumentative or confrontational. Just explain that his friendship with this woman is making you feel uncomfortable and a bit pushed out. You don't need to ask him to do anything, but just make him aware that you feel unsettled by it.

Original poster
excitedbutscared · 07/05/2015 23:48

I completely agree with everything you said Cassie.. this is the thing - how do I approach it the right way? I don't want to tarnish the trust and respect for each other's autonomy that we have, which is one of the great things about us! I've had a very jealous, possessive partner before and it's such a relief not to have to worry about all of that. I don't want to start a 'thing' unnecessarily so need to know how to approach it.

I know you can't tell me as you don't know either of us well enough to know how best to do it.. But any sceanrio ideas would be great!! God - I'm so crap at this

OP posts:
Bahh · 07/05/2015 23:49

I message a guy from work on fb but haven't got him added. It's hard to explain why but I don't think we'd get much out of seeing each other's feed, and neither of us has made the mood and now it's been a few weeks it's just stayed like that. Nothing inherently weird about it imo.

I find it hilarious because my OH is not a jealous person but I think sometimes he's curious and it might bug him, as he makes flippant half-joking 'ooh speaking to Bahhsfriend are we?'. But it is genuinely 100% innocent, no interest on my part and I am happy to and regularly do show him/read out messages or emails between us. I know what it's like to feel a bit jealous and then feel stupid for that, so I never judge him for it and always want him to be comfortable and okay with what I'm doing. Similarly he will read out or pass over his phone if he's having an in depth discussion with his XW because I'm a bit funny about her sometimes.

If he genuinely is in love with you he will feel the same way, and shouldn't make a big deal of it if you need a bit more background on her/what they chat about just to make you feel a bit more secure.

Original poster
excitedbutscared · 07/05/2015 23:54

Sounds similar to us Bahh - We took our time getting to know each other so I'm not sure how to handle this in the best way

Like I say, we have such a good dynamic on not making each other feel possessed or watched, I don't want to say anything that would ruin that - but would really like, and am sure he would be open with me, if I asked. Just want to make sure I bring it up in a way that it doesn't sound like I'm being challenging or have been snooping etc.

OP posts:
wemadeit25 · 07/05/2015 23:58

I would just say to him, " you know xxxxx? who messages you a lot, who is she, can I meet her?" I would explain to him that you do get a bit jealous sometimes ( there is nothing wrong with being jealous) and you don't want her messages to start bugging you so would he like to introduce you to her or tell you a bit about her. See how that goes. Jealousy is not a problem unless you let it get the better of your rationale in my opinion. I am sometimes jealous of women my husband is in contact with but only a smidgen and he quite likes that to be honest! Your man sounds like he loves you a lot so don't let this bug you too much, she is after all just another person male or female that your partner sees each day and if he was going to run off with her he probably would have by now.

Bahh · 08/05/2015 00:04

I would probably put all my cards on the table and be completely honest. I'm a chronic over thinker and there's not really any way for me to get away with being casual about it, but I'm lucky in that my OH is the same way. So I would literally say 'I'm embarrassed about saying this but I'm a little bit curious about that girl. I don't mistrust you or want to make a big thing about it, I was just wondering if you would mind telling me a bit about her? As we've been together x amount of time I think it might be nice to get to know a bit more about each other's friends' or something.

Cassie258 · 08/05/2015 00:07

Could you casually ask who he's messaging when a message pops up? There's no way you can ask without feeling like your giving him a mild inquisition but it may not feel that way for him.

If he continually messages her in your presence, openly, he's either stupid as fuck or innocent.

Grewupinafield · 08/05/2015 00:10

The fact that he isn't hiding it is a positive thing. If it was inappropriate he would be hiding it from you.

It's a bit odd they aren't friends on fb but you could ask him why.

He is allowed to have female friends but if you are really this concerned, I'd speak to him openly and calmly. If he is as decent as you describe, he won't mind and will show you messages if you want to see them. Sometimes clarification puts your mind at rest.

It does sound like he's committed to you so I'd give him the benefit of the doubt but I would speak to him about it if your uncomfortable.

Cassie258 · 08/05/2015 00:11

Ps I'm also a crazy over thinker (hence me being awake at this hour) and have previously shaken DP awake to ask if he knew a woman at work called shakira as I'd had a terrible dream. It was only when he laughed and said no that I realised how ridiculous the name was and then asked if he'd ever cheated on me but I'd let it go as my dream was so vivid that I couldn't tell if it was a dream or memory.

Now we always make jokes that he's off to see shakira or that shakira wouldn't give him shit over x y and z. Blush

Original poster
excitedbutscared · 08/05/2015 00:12

Probably a mixture of the last 3 suggestions would work haha!!

He doesn't see her every day wemadeit - she works in another office some 100 miles away, but when he has to go there, he's there for a day or two.

Cassie this is the thing, the messages come in, he reads what comes up on his phone, but doesn't open them fully in front of me and doesn't sit there typing a reply in front of me. He does other people I/we know - which is one of the reasons it bugs me more. Id rather he did!

I'll definitely casually bring it up over the weekend. We have a couple of mutual friends who she is a friend of too so can always just ask if he knows her because of that.

Over thinking at the maximum right here!!

OP posts:
Original poster
excitedbutscared · 08/05/2015 00:14

Haha Cassie - that made me smile, and feel a bit better knowing I'm not the only one!

OP posts:
Cassie258 · 08/05/2015 00:18

Hmmm that is odd. More than likely, he knows you're an over thinker so is doing it out of courtesy so you dont worry.

I think your plan sounds ok about mixing all three. It'll be fine Grin

Do keep us updated.

Bahh · 08/05/2015 00:20

cassie oh that had me snorting with laughter!

The other day OH woke me up with some lovely cuddles and asked me if I slept well, I replied "no. Go fuck off with Ariana Grande" because I'd dreamt about him sleeping with her Blush

Bursarymum · 08/05/2015 00:22

It sounds very dodgy to me. The fact they are not friends on FB suggests they have something to hide

Cassie258 · 08/05/2015 00:23

Our poor other halves.

I'm glad you're crazy too Wink

Bursarymum · 08/05/2015 00:24

I do have a purely platonic male friend but the situation is unusual.

Original poster
excitedbutscared · 08/05/2015 00:30

Unusual bursary? How may I ask?

OP posts:
Bursarymum · 08/05/2015 00:32

Well we message each other regularly and our friendship is how I imagine siblings I guess.

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