Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Green flags? What should I be looking for in a man?

46 replies

Fluffybrain · 07/05/2015 18:22

Single again. Mumsnetters advised me I was with an arsehole 3 months ago but I slogged it out for a bit hoping they were wrong. They were right. So I know what the red flags are but what are the green flags? What should I be looking for. What are the signs of a good guy? What is it like to be in a healthy relationship?

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/05/2015 18:31

Work on you first and foremost rather than date for the time being. Your relationship radar needs resetting.

Work on your own self worth and self esteem by improving it. Abusive men always lower these over time. Love your own self for a change.

Ask yourself this question:-
What did I learn about relationships when growing up?.

Unlearn the crappy lessons you learnt along the way; this will take time and emotional work on your part to do.

Do not keep getting hung up on the "sunken costs" fallacy common in relationships. This is where you think that you've invested in this and want to keep going even though you think its wrong or have real doubts.

Enrol on Womens Aid Freedom Programme; this is an excellent resource for women who have been in abusive relationships. That will also help you more readily spot the red flags in future.

sunbathe · 07/05/2015 18:32

Kindness. Best quality ever.

Original poster
Fluffybrain · 07/05/2015 18:38

Thanks attila. I have done freedom programme and read Lundy after previous EA relationship. I'm not sure that this guy is abusive. I did see some behaviours that I thought may be and they played again and again in my mind because I am very aware of what those behaviours are. I have ended it as I know it's wrong and he didn't treat me right. I've been having therapy regularly for a few months and feel like this has made me strong enough to end it. I'm going to have a think about what you said about learning about relationships when growing up.

OP posts:
Mmmnotsure · 07/05/2015 18:44

One little flag is to look at how he treats and talks about people who aren't important to him - ie people he has little to gain from, like the ticket inspector, the waitress, the cold-caller. If he treats them with politeness and respects that they are people doing a job though how my dh can be so reasonable with cold-callers beats me I think that's a good sign.

KillmeNow · 07/05/2015 18:50

My main requirements if I was looking for a partner .

Someone who ;
Has a genuine good sense of humour - not just laughing at other peoples misfortunes but able to laugh at himself -and more importantly make me laugh.

Treats waiting staff /taxi drivers etc well - tips well and no smart mouth comments to harrassed waitresses for example.

Listens as well as talks .

Can talk about subjects other than his hobby or work.

MehsMum · 07/05/2015 20:02

Is he reliable: if he said he'd do something, did he do it?
Is he willing to do things for you, or be nice to you when there's nothing in it for him or it inconveniences him?
Do you have a sense of reciprocity in there relationship?

I also wasn't prepared to countenance anyone with a short fuse. I'd grown up with one of those and though I now see that the short fuse was more the symptom of wider issues rather than being was an issue in itself, it was a useful measure all the same.

Quietbiscuit · 07/05/2015 20:23

I always find threads like these and the ones about red flags interesting. My ex would pass the waitress test. He was always polite and patient with others but his attitude to me was completely different. The ex was rude, put me down and had a short fuse. I suppose really its whether you are treated with the same respect as others?

I'm in reflective mode at the minute as I'm thinking back to what I should have looked out for and when I should have left. I too would like to know what a healthy relationship looks like and be able to walk away at the first sign of a red flag.

cleanmyhouse · 07/05/2015 20:31

Kindness. That's the biggie for me.

TopOfTheCliff · 08/05/2015 00:23

My XH talked at length about kindness being so important and loved a generous public gesture but he wasnt very kind to me at all. It was all for show to others. I think he forgot I was a seperate person due some respect and consideration and thought I was an extension of him.

Meerka · 08/05/2015 09:46

Kindness
Integrity
valuing himself, but valuing others too.
sense of humour and can laugh at himself
Having a bit of experience with women. I was my husband's first relationship and I SO SO SO wish he'd had more experience!
Common sense.

HerBigChance · 08/05/2015 10:02

Kindness. Best quality ever.

Oh yes. Never overlook kindness in a man, I think. It sounds like one of the old-fashioned virtues that we've been somehow encouraged to overlook, but it's vital.

As PP have said, though, it needs to be kindness that continues behind closed doors. I've also (years ago) been with someone who had different public and private faces.

Honesty.
Integrity.

HerBigChance · 08/05/2015 10:07

Good at managing his money. By that, I don't mean he has to be well-off and I don't expect a man to support me, but I do expect him to be able to support himself.

Cherryapple1 · 08/05/2015 10:19

I would want to see how they are in stressful situations. Do they shout, swear, lose the plot. How are they if they argue with you. My ex would turn into a very frightening monster. I am all for a good argument but nobody should be scared, name called or belittled.

HotSweetTea · 08/05/2015 10:24

I will be watching this thread with much interest.

Original poster
Fluffybrain · 08/05/2015 12:42

One of the signs the last guy wasn't right was that he swore at me. Told me to fuck off and not speak to him. He was very tired. So yes if how they behave when they are stressed or tired. Kindness honesty integrity, able to manage his money and his life. I like the sound of this guy. Now where the hell is he?!

OP posts:
Babaismarriedtoyou · 08/05/2015 13:11

How you feel about yourself when you are with him/her

Meerka · 08/05/2015 13:37

that's a good one baba

also: observe the effects they have on the people closest to them, over time. What sort of people are they close to? Do they tend to be a positive influence or negative?

ThickOrSomething · 08/05/2015 13:40

is he kind to you?
the bottom line of the middle aged woman who has had her fingers burnt...

pocketsaviour · 08/05/2015 13:40

Having been out with a few liars in my time, I'd say it's important that his actions are consistent with his words.

EG if he says he really cares about the environment but turns up in a Range Rover. (Unless he actually lives on a farm.)
Or he speaks scathingly about "benefits scroungers" and then accidentally reveals he's a party to a tax avoidance scheme. Hmm

And yes also that he doesn't speak to people as if they're beneath him.

MadHattersWineParty · 08/05/2015 13:57

What I like to call 'delivery issues'.

My ex was all about saying he'd do things but the good seldom materialised.

I was ill at home not so long ago recovering after a pulmonary embolism. I was being sick and couldn't keep my meds down. I phoned and he actually said to let him know if I needed anything. I did. I said some company and some lucozade would be great. He said he didn't have time as he'd planned a bike ride. There's a thread about it on here.

Made me see him in a totally different light.

flora717 · 08/05/2015 14:02

What do you expect from your friends? All of that (the positive friends) plus a chemical attraction.

homeworkontothefire · 08/05/2015 14:25

Similar sense of humour to myself. Must be able to make me laugh!
Not controlling in regards to where I go , when, and who with.
Equally happy going for a good night out or watching a movie in bed with a chinese and bottle of wine.
Not a Tory.

Don't ask much really.

ElAngelo · 08/05/2015 22:18

A sense of humor, fixed job and be there for you when you need him :)

despomum41 · 08/05/2015 22:40

Very good points ive seen so far will be taking on board myself , i would like to add a few

see how he treats your children - ex had no patience with my 7 yr old son

someone mentioned a man who manages is money -my ex lived with his mother and his excuse was im still sorting out my debts my ex left me with only to find out the twat used his ex to pay for everything

watch out for the ones who are eager to please and when their feet are well and truelly under the table they start to show their true colours

omg i could go on the whole night lol i will always be stuck on the shelf i think :(

Twattergy · 09/05/2015 18:31

Non UKIP
solid friendships and/or good relationship with family
nice to kids/animals
hard worker
attention to detail (remembers stuff)
not cynical
open minded
doesn't need looking after