Green flags? What should I be looking for in a man?

[Fluffybrain]

Single again. Mumsnetters advised me I was with an arsehole 3 months ago but I slogged it out for a bit hoping they were wrong. They were right. So I know what the red flags are but what are the green flags? What should I be looking for. What are the signs of a good guy? What is it like to be in a healthy relationship?

^
Sounds like me! Lol.

What do his friends or other people who know him say about him? If they only have good things, that's a good sign

I'd say a man should be the same as a woman should be - kind, respectful of the feelings of others, tolerant.

One thing that makes me about someone is when they have a low threshold of loyalty, or honour. If they thought they'd get away with it, would they swindle their expenses?

i have been married for 18 years -very happily. shall i tell you about my husband?

he is the kindest man i have ever met. he is incredibly thoughtful-both to me and our children but to our wider family too. he has been so patient and kind over the years to my ill elderly parents.

he has never sworn AT me ever. To be fair he very rarely swears anyway but he has never lashed out in anger at me. we have had rows of course!

he always does something nice for my birthday, christmas, valentines, anniversary.

he shares all domestic chores and childcare without whinging or moaning.

he is funny and makes me laugh.
he is handsome and i fancy him and he is intelligent and we are able to talk about things .

he is financially responsible and a good provider for us as a family.

the kindness is the biggy- it covers so many aspects of life .

I was still in my teens when I first met DP so wasnt well experienced in relationships but the thing I really noticed about him was his desire to make other people happy. Hes never selfish or rude and puts himself out for other people even if it's just small gestures, kindness or generosity and he's one of those people that brightens up a room when he walks into it. Nearly a decade on he hasn't changed a bit.

That thing about 'do his friends and family say good things about him' didn't save me from a terribly abusive relationship. When we were first dating he had loads of friends and they all took it upon themselves to tell me how great he was. In retrospect I think they may have been going overboard on it because he hadn't really had a proper relationship before, despite being good looking, popular, and having a good job.

BUT - he totally failed the: how does he treat non-important people test. He was always rude to cold callers, or post office staff, or anyone not important in his mind.

Green flag would be "mutuality" is he as concerned with you feeling good as he is with himself feeling good - about whatever it is.
Also, how does he handle stress, and can he make you laugh in a relaxed way. (ie, just generally treating life lightly, and seeing the funny side of things - not by slagging people off etc).

Oh gymboy where do I find one like yours?!!!
This is something I spend A LOT of time thinking about OP having just been in two consecutive abusive relationships.
Echoing PPs, it has to be kindness.
My nana always said choose a kind man, that's the most important thing.
Independence (not needing to be mothered), funny, attractive (to me) and intelligent would be high on my list too.
Now where to find him

Oh yes and non-whingey!

Thanks gymboy. Men like this really do exist then?! Yes choccycorn I've had two wronguns in a row. Left wondering if they are all wrong?

For me, it's a positive attitude. I respect a man who can say "Everything is going to be ok-- because I'm going to do everything I can to make it ok."

Being grateful for what they have instead of feeling hard done by.

Loving Animals and caring for them well.

Someone who's content with themselves.
Kind
Has a job they enjoy and work hard at
Funny - can laugh at themselves too
Bright
Socially competent
Not addicted to gaming - that would drive me nuts
Likes sport but not obsessed
Confidence is important to me - watching dp deliver a very funny unscripted speech to his entire workplace once was fab.
Interested in life - reads, travels, enjoys music and film
Respectful
Not sleazy in any way - confident in bed but never pushy
Generous in spirit - dp always gives me the window seat or the bigger half of a choccy bar

Blimey, that's a long list..

bigger half of a choccy bar: you've got a good 'un there .

Kindness and self-control, evidenced by everyday things , not just a show/performance.

Kindness, reliability, and a positive attitude towards work.

Please do believe that nice men exist and that it's worth waiting for one. So many men are wastes of space and women let them be.
DH occasionally shouts at the toaster/hoover and we both have a hard time being completely calm and rational when DS steps on baby DD on purpose but he is calm in a crisis. We were out on NYE in a big city, crossing the road, some numpty stopped his car and got out and shook his fist at DH (some mad idea he'd stood in front of his car - well, he had because the traffic wasn't moving). DH was completely calm and just looked at him and walked off. Same when driving - it's better to have a mad driver in front, as he quite rightly says. So no macho side at all.

Also being a grown-up who can do their own washing, cooking, and accounts. DH can also build a cupboard and rewire a light but is happy to get the decorators in for big jobs if we have the money. It's about knowing what you'll actually get round to doing. He's not the most adventurous cook in the world but if it's his turn to do dinner I can rely on eating before I need to go out for whatever.

Basically someone that doesn't think he's a special snowflake just because he's a man. I credit his mother. And his very gentle father.

I think respect, kindness and consideration for others are very important.

I got a good book in the pound shop this week about relationships and 'deal breakers' and how we should work out what's important to us as an individual, and how if someone won't compromise on it, then that's it, we need to set our own boundaries.

It sounds like there are some nice men out there, and I think we are taught to settle for less than we deserve.

Here's my green flag list:

• Responsible... No trace of deadbeat
• Has similar answers to the big questions (eg children/no children; spirituality)
• honors your individual path
• caring
• sense of humour
• Really really thinks the world of you...

Sorry to hear you've had a rough go. Take care.

I like to 5S my relationships, they need to be: Sane, Sober, Single (in mind as well as body), Solvent and of course Sexy! I also after many years of experience don't think you should have sex until they are in a committed relationship, old fashioned yes but helps you get a quality relationship.

Socially competent

Oh god yes. Not someone who makes cheap loud boorish comments in public and shows you up all the time. There's a surprising amount of that about....

I'm very lucky to be married to one of the good ones
I think his number one awesome quality is acceptance. By which I mean, when we first met I was still pretty messed up from my abusive childhood - next-to-no self-esteem, generally unable to see myself worthy of love etc - and he loved me, and still loves me, for exactly who I am, just the way I am. He has supported, and encouraged, and challenged me even, into learning to love myself, but always from a position of complete love for me just the way I was. I am a very different person (in a good way!) to who I was 9 years ago when we first met, and that is in no small part down to him. (He would also say that it was all me who beat my demons, he was just support - so humility as well)

I had 2 previous relationships with wonderful guys who loved me a lot, but could not handle me in my dark places. It is a rare but wonderful quality.

Also -
Respect
Commitment (Assuming that's what you're looking for)
Sharing of same values/what is important in life
Good communicator
Good Dad (the day I saw my DH-to-be interacting with his young nephews, I knew he would make a great Dad to our kids -and so he's proved to be)

He's not perfect (he has a habit of thinking there's a cleaning fairy who goes round clearing up after him - thanks MIL!), but he's pretty brilliant, my absolute soulmate. He makes me a better person, and I him.

Little miss introvert - what's the name of the book you got? Sounds like it might be helpful to me; I'm thinking of dipping my toes in the dating pool again soon